To ask him to miss out on his friends stag?

[Ilovedmybed1985]

I know we have been in lockdown, and I know he needs to live his life too...
But...
We have two children under two. His friend is having two stags Friday to Sunday two weekends in a row (one is a small indoor one with 5 friends, one is an outdoor event with more people). Aibu to ask him to just go to one? It is so hard with two under two, and i don't know if I can do the nights alone two weekends in a row. Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Or should I say its fine to go? I know ultimately it is up to him just wanted to know opinions.

Oh gosh why are some people on here so horrid? Is this how anyone would really respond to a friend with a four month old baby who was exhausted and asking for advice?

OP- Your feelings about weekends away will be entirely different depending on your baby’s temperament (looking after a sleepy little one who coos away happily and plays contentedly is entirely different to a teething colicky baby who frets and won’t sleep!), your baseline energy levels (how much sleep you’re getting, how much your DH normally does his share in terms of parenting, how much of a break you’re getting regularly), your relationship dynamic and the availability of your own social circle.

You’re a new mum (again) and given what you’ve said it seems your partner is not taking account of the fact he’s also a new father (again) with young children.

If it is a very close friend could he go to the smaller stag then one night of the big one?

Two weekends in a row if he was consistently providing 50% of the childcare, overnight duties, etc, You had family who could come stay over if you were feeling overwhelmed- Yes fine.
But 5 out of 7 weekends away with a four month old and two year old at home - and when it sounds like you’re tired, don’t have friends/family nearby and just need some help - absolutely not ok.

If we’re playing top childcare trumps, my XDH was in the forces and missed the first year of two under two. I wouldn’t recommend it. I still think OP is not being unreasonable. Stags are essentially men getting very drunk and I’m not sure why OP’s DH doing this two weeks in a row for the same friend should be considered more important than OP’s feelings and wellbeing.

I think absolutely not unreasonable to have a conversation with him about it and work out what can be done (which may not necessarily mean him not going). If, for example, he took the Mondays off work so you could have a lie in and a day to regroup, would that work? Or something similar? Could you go and visit someone helpful for one of the weekends? But if it just means you struggling through two weekends (and consequently a long number of days without a break), and you feel like that's too much to face at the moment, I don't think it would be at all unreasonable to ask him to miss it.

I had three kids under two (for the top trumps). DH and I are generally mutually supportive of the other person having their own space, and both prepared to step up and have a bit of a shit time sometimes to enable that. I wouldn't have wanted to do two consecutive weekends on my own when they were that age. If it had been two different close friends I think we'd have tried to make it work somehow, but in the situation you describe I think he'd have been choosing one to attend.

This thread is Mumsnet at its finest

OP 'DH has 2 full weekend stag dos for same person. We have two young child ten. WIBU to ask him to only go to 1?'. Ans in other posts 'children are 20 and 4 months, no family nearby and DH has 5 out of 6 weekends with stag dos/ weddings I'm not invited to'

'You're controlling' ✅
'Red flag' ✅
'You chose to have children' ✅
'Can't you cope?' ✅
'I've done (insert mumsnet competitive childcare scenario) so you should too' ✅
'What if (insert imaginary health condition)?' ✅
'What if he left you?'✅

What utter crap responses

OP you're totally not unreasonable. It's not about whether or not you can do it, its selfish imho to ask, considering it's the same groom.

I wouldn't stop him. This is unusual, it's not likely to happen again this way - it's just people cramming lots in after the pandemic. They won't be easy weekends for sure, and I'd plan to be busy, but I'd be cross if it was vice versa and he stopped me celebrating with my friends for a couple of weekends after a year of nothing. You'll survive, he'll have had a great time, get yourself a weekend away booked ASAP.

A 6 day stag do? And I bet the groom wants his friends to finance them. One night would be fine! One weekend is excessive. 2 weekends are ridiculous.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d find it quite controlling and a red flag. Does he do the same and restrict you going out?

Don't be so bloody ridiculous, she's not 'restricting' his time out, having kids did that. He can't expect to have children and still live a single lifestyle. He has responsibities to his family and needs to balance that with time with his friends.

His request is unreasonable, two weekends is too much unless he's willing to do the same for his wife. I'd bet my savings he wouldn't.

Why do you bet your savings that he wouldn’t?
Is there any indication to suggest this is the case?

@barnanabas

I think absolutely not unreasonable to have a conversation with him about it and work out what can be done (which may not necessarily mean him not going). If, for example, he took the Mondays off work so you could have a lie in and a day to regroup, would that work? Or something similar? Could you go and visit someone helpful for one of the weekends? But if it just means you struggling through two weekends (and consequently a long number of days without a break), and you feel like that's too much to face at the moment, I don't think it would be at all unreasonable to ask him to miss it.

I had three kids under two (for the top trumps). DH and I are generally mutually supportive of the other person having their own space, and both prepared to step up and have a bit of a shit time sometimes to enable that. I wouldn't have wanted to do two consecutive weekends on my own when they were that age. If it had been two different close friends I think we'd have tried to make it work somehow, but in the situation you describe I think he'd have been choosing one to attend.

This is reasonable for the 2 weekend scenario in the op, but it’s actually 5 out of 7 weekends. He will have forgotten what his children look like, and it’s most of 2 months solid with the op flying solo with no help and a small baby and a toddler, it sounds like living hell. A guy who will even contemplate this is also not a guy who will spend his 2 weekends home in almost 2 months frantically cooking, cleaning, reading stories and going to the park. I couldn’t have done this without substantial paid help to replace my dick head husband, I’d have fallen into a million little pieces.

What kind of twonk needs 2 stag dos?

namechange The O.P is not being asked to raise the children alone.

I think 2 stags is ridiculous, too, but I would just tell him to go. But I wouldn't be with someone who thinks it's ok to do this. I would rather they declined of their own accord, rather than being a selfish shit. I don't think it's fair.
I do like pp's suggestion of you going to visit your family, though. Is that possible?

Let him decide.

I might be a little miffed about it with it being 2 weekends on the run. Assuming he works in the week I’d feel a bit like we missed out on family time but that being said I certainly wouldn’t say he couldn’t go and I wouldn’t be in a grump if he did go it’s his choice

@toocold54

Wait , have I got this right? He's going on 3 stag dos and a wedding over the next 6 weeks. By himself?

I’ve just read the update to say he’s got more weddings/stag dos, all ones OP still isn’t invited to. One guy is having two stag dos- who does that? And who isn’t allowed to bring a plus one!

So he’s basically staying away most weekends.
I’m sorry OP but I don’t believe he’s even going to stag dos/weddings.

I agree. Are you sure he's actually spending all these consecutive nights/weekends away at stag/weddings? With no plus-ones for anyone?

I know a colleague who is buzzing that wedding season is starting again - she has similar excuses for nights/weekends away with her affair partner. Apparently 'lockdown has been incredibly hard' on them both as they've had no excuses to continue their sordid affair. Throw a couple of little kids in the mix op and I'd be looking for la femme...

@VanceRefridgeration listing them like that actually shows how nasty people can be.
I will say it again too, I am not saying I don't want him to go to any stags, I am just wondering whether two for thr same person is too much. The 4 month old is up pretty much every hour/two hours and has reflux (slightly better as on medication now) so it is so hard. Obviously I can handle it by myself, I do every weekday when he is at work. I can do it but it will be a very exhausting 2 weeks.
I haven't seen my mum in about 10 years, I rarely talk to my dad as he isn't interested and I don't have any siblings.... so I don't really have anywhere to stay.

I've read the whole thread.

My last post was in response to someone else's response to my 'how do you think people manage on their own' comment, so no need to call it irrelevant when it was a response. Would you like some help finding said responses, their just a couple of posts up from the one you have decided to pick at xo

Why does anyone need two? (missing the point )

@timeisnotaline my last post is a response to yours.

The people saying OP is being unreasonable seem so personally invested in this thread....and are being pretty nasty to the OP. I don’t really understand why.
They are co-parents.
They both decided to have children.
They both decided to have children with a small age gap.
Having children means EVERY parent has to compromise.
Every parent has to sacrifice some of their past lives.
Most parents WANT to do that.
The OP is already compromising. She’s caring for the kids while the partner is at a stag do this weekend, she’ll care for them for both of the 2 weddings he’ll be going to without her in the next 6 weeks. She’ll care for them when he goes to the stag do of the other wedding. She’s said she’s happy for him to go to ONE of these stag dos.

On what possible planet is her requesting him to only go to 1 stag do for the same groom unreasonable??
Where is the partner’s compromise in all of this? Why would he even think that it’s reasonable to spend that much time away from HIS family?

He's taking the piss OP.

Being gone 5 out of 7 weekends? No way.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d find it quite controlling and a red flag. Does he do the same and restrict you going out?

Jesus.

I hate the whole " it's controlling" argument. Parenting is a shared responsibility. The OP's DH is putting the OP in an impossible situation. Surely he should draw on his responsibility/thoughtfulness and make a mature decision here?
Surely the OP is allowed to say that she is unhappy with her DH foisting all parental responsibility on her? Can HE not be accused of being controlling?

I’m not to one to ever stop my husband doing anything - to the point that all of his friends have commented to me that I’m different from their wives who “wouldn’t allow” them to do certain things, normal things like going out, going on a city break. In return my husband has never taken the p*ss.

In your situation with such young children, even with my relaxed approach, I would have DREADED those 19 days. He needs to reign it in and pick one, he shouldn’t have put you in this position, he should know how f*cking hard it is for you and be considerate of his responsibilities at a dad. Parents make sacrifices all the time, it’s hard to learn but has to be that way. His friend is self indulgent to have so many stags.

As an aside: people with on tap child care locally will never understand how difficult it is for those without. Ignore them.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d find it quite controlling and a red flag. Does he do the same and restrict you going out?

Lol at this. He’s away on another stag. Just like nearly every weekend for the next two months (oh sorry, some of them are weddings which the op isn’t invited to, how convenient. What charming friends he must have) He’d have to actually come home one weekend for her to even be able to think about going out.

OP I've just read your replies and am I right in thinking he's also going to two weddings that you're not invited to??

If so, something's very wrong there - even with the Covid restrictions it seems very pointed to exclude a wife.

It sounds like he might lead a very autonomous life and you are basically the person at home running the family.

If I'm right then YDNBU!!

Two stag dos two weekends in a row. Who is this person, Liz Hurley? You’re definitely not being unreasonable asking your DH to only go to one. Does the stag have kids?