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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to miss out on his friends stag?

225 replies

Ilovedmybed1985 · 15/05/2021 13:09

I know we have been in lockdown, and I know he needs to live his life too...
But...
We have two children under two. His friend is having two stags Friday to Sunday two weekends in a row (one is a small indoor one with 5 friends, one is an outdoor event with more people). Aibu to ask him to just go to one? It is so hard with two under two, and i don't know if I can do the nights alone two weekends in a row. Am I being selfish and unreasonable? Or should I say its fine to go? I know ultimately it is up to him just wanted to know opinions.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 15/05/2021 22:23

I hate that the narrative is always "wife tells husband he can't go on 2 stag dos".

A more accurate narrative is "wife declines to do husbands share of parenting on two consecutive weekends so he realises he can't go".

A parent who wants to go on a jolly can only go if someone will cover for them, and it isn't reasonable to assume the other parent is always up for it.

namechangingforthis19586 · 15/05/2021 22:24

you knew that before you decided to have a 16 month age gap. Surely you knew you’d have them on your own at some points?

FFS.

I think these posters are all male.

namechangingforthis19586 · 15/05/2021 22:25

Surely DH works in the week and she manages the children fine then by herself?

So she can push herself to breaking ponit while he has his jollies...because she has pushed herself to breaking point. Great rationale. I'm sure that will result in a very healthy family dynamic. But what the heck, a bunch of men got to get pissed so she can suck it up.

namechangingforthis19586 · 15/05/2021 22:27

And before anyone says the OP hasn't specifically said that she'd pushed herself to breaking point -

She's started a thread on Mumsnet because she doesn't think she can cope with 19 days on the trot. She's looking over the hill of Not Coping.

TinaTurnoff · 15/05/2021 22:37

That sequence of 5/7 weekends is unrelenting for @Ilovedmybed1985. With two under 2yo, she’s unlikely to claim back ‘equals’ any time soon. YANBU. The infant years are exhausting Flowers

KizzyMoo · 15/05/2021 23:20

Yabu it's only 2 weekends op sure you can cope with 2 kids for that short time.

NakedBanana · 15/05/2021 23:48

@toocold54

Wait , have I got this right? He's going on 3 stag dos and a wedding over the next 6 weeks. By himself?

I’ve just read the update to say he’s got more weddings/stag dos, all ones OP still isn’t invited to. One guy is having two stag dos- who does that? And who isn’t allowed to bring a plus one!

So he’s basically staying away most weekends.
I’m sorry OP but I don’t believe he’s even going to stag dos/weddings.

Ok so I got it wrong, it's 3 stag dos and 2 wedding all in the space of 6 weeks that he's going to them alone!!!! You're stuck at home??!!

Hey call me a cynical old cow, but that doesn't sound healthy!

mabelmint · 15/05/2021 23:59

@MrsTerryPratchett no ones playing top trumps, op mentioned the age of her DC and her accessibility to family so I mentioned mine.

Coyoacan · 16/05/2021 00:43

Would it be possible for you to go visit your relatives, OP, for a couple of months? Surely your mother would be delighted to be able to spend some time with her grandchildren.

Pinkylemons · 16/05/2021 00:55

I think you are being unreasonable. I’ve left my husband quite a few times for more than a weekend with all the kids and one is disabled. He’s fine and perfectly capable. It is hard work but there are plenty of single parents out there doing it alone every day. My DH is self employed and often works 7 days a week.

If he was out every weekend then that’s different.

Wobbitcatcher · 16/05/2021 01:34

Not being unreasonable, so many “I walked 10 miles a day in the snow with my 4 kids on my back for 8 months so my husband could go on every damn stag do”

It’s just a piss up? Why on earth should you have to struggle all those weekends (on top of the weekdays) while he has a jolly old time.

Honestly mumsnet hates mums! And I have a 3 yr old and 6 month old and it’s bloody hard work, I count down the hours on a Friday for an extra pair of hands over the weekend. There’s no shame in needing help from your co parent, he did his bit bringing them into the world! There’s also no where I’d want to go and ditch my family for 2 weekends just for payback. My husband would never cope (baby is bf and kids are hard work) and I would miss them all far too much!

Coyoacan · 16/05/2021 01:43

“I walked 10 miles a day in the snow with my 4 kids on my back for 8 months so my husband could go on every damn stag do”

Hahaha

If all the people defending the father's right to go boogying for five out of six weekends are women, no wonder women's rights are going down the drain.

Maybe if I'm good I'll be able to reincarnate as a man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2021 01:48

Maybe if I'm good I'll be able to reincarnate as a man.

Do I have to play golf though? Or cycle?

SaturdayRocks · 16/05/2021 01:51

Do I have to play golf though? Or cycle?

Not necessarily, as long as you can find an alternative activity that means you have to leave the missus at home to do all the donkey work all weekend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2021 01:53

I've always fancied painting those little figures and playing with them. Warhammer, is it? That takes all day!

Yay, bloke it is next time.

Coyoacan · 16/05/2021 01:54

I already do cycle so that wouldn't be a problem, but from the looks of it, a man doesn't have to do very much. As men we could change a nappy once a week, occasionally hold a barbecue and then we get a free pass for the rest of the time

Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll · 16/05/2021 01:54

I wouldn't stop my OH going to be honest.

Two under two is 'quite hard' - of course it's hard! How do you think people manage on their own!? Not that that's relevant as you are together but come on OP it's 2 weekends not forever!

SaturdayRocks · 16/05/2021 01:55

How do you think people manage on their own!?

‘People’ generally don’t.

Women do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2021 01:56

I already do the car stuff and tiling. That's me sorted.

Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll · 16/05/2021 02:10

@SaturdayRocks I said people because single fathers exist believe it or not ShockHmm

SaturdayRocks · 16/05/2021 02:39

What a revelation that is. Indeed they do. But more often than not, it’s the woman left holding the baby/ies.

And it’s the woman left carrying the can at the weekend when the bloke swans off.

AMCoffeePMWine · 16/05/2021 03:00

@CirqueDeMorgue

Also, imagine actually telling another adult "no, you're not allowed to do that."
Imagine having such a crap partner that you have to.

OP is not his childcare provider. The man is a father.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 03:09

I’d expect my dh to say Jack is having two stag dos for a weekend each on two consecutive weekends? I didn’t realise he had such tickets on himself. I’ll go to (preferred stag), and he’d quite probably come home Friday help with dinner then go for the weekend.

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 03:14

Sorry for the late response, he is at another stag do today (just for the day) so have been busy. Thank you for all your replies. It seems very split between the two.
He says he would look after them overnight, but I don't have as many friends as he does, so he knows that won't happen any time soon at all. He has another stag do after these two 2 weeks later, and is away for a wedding thr week after that. I wouldn't mind AT ALL if it was for a different friend, I just thought 2 stag dos for the same person is a bit much when you have responsibilities. Noone going to the first stag do (the one with 6) has any children, he is the only one.
Holy crap. He’s at a stag do. This other mate has weekend away stag dos for two weeks in a row. Two weeks after that he has another stag. The week after that he has a weekend away for a wedding. You aren’t invited to that wedding and another wedding coming up. Bloody hell, when did he last see you or his children? Do anything for them?
Have you sat him down, said have you looked at this schedule? What are you going to do to make it up to me? I’m considering moving to mum and dads for the next month (yes even if they are in another country) and once I get used to having an extra pair of hands occasionally I might not be able to move back here to solo parent again? This isn’t what I signed up for, babies are hard and you seem to think I’m rock bottom of your priorities?

timeisnotaline · 16/05/2021 03:15

[quote Welllllllwellllllllwellllllll]@SaturdayRocks I said people because single fathers exist believe it or not ShockHmm[/quote]
Pretty irrelevant here, if you’ve read the thread and looked at this guys schedule it’s not clear he could pick his babies out of a lineup, or that they would recognise him either.