To think she’s using me as childcare?

[Rainallnight]

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

@Goldenbear

And all these things you suggest people can do as the are partly working from home but apparently that work can be left or done at 10 at night, can also be done by someone who finishes work at 6 in preparation for a weekend play date. I think when it comes down to it, it's about not wanting to bother.

I've found very few people are willing to arrange playdates at the weekend due to wanting to spend time as a family, clubs, seeing friends and family etc.

There's some bloody horrible people on this forum.

If you can't reciprocate invitations then don't accept them, and especially dont ask for them

Iamyourequal

Iamyourequal I wish there was a like button on here. Your post is how most reasonable people would behave. If you are not willing to do that then don't accept playdates.

'If you can't reciprocate invitations then don't accept them'

What a deeply unpleasant way to view the world. What a horrible philosophy to pass on to your child.

I find people who take take take deeply unpleasant personally, its give and take in my view and there's not much giving going on in the OPs situation.

Isn't being selfish and unreciprocating a horrible philosophy to.pass on then ?

See I amyourequals post, that's how decent considerate people behave in my view

'Isn't being selfish and unreciprocating a horrible philosophy to.pass on then ?'

There is a difference between being able to reciprocate and choosing not to and not being able to reciprocate. Your philosophy specifically targets those who CAN'T reciprocate.

'If you can't reciprocate invitations then don't accept them'.

Deeply unpleasant.

I actually was referring to those on this thread that said their time at weekends is far too precious to entertain reciprocating a playdate, I'm talking about people who have no intention of it. Perhaps I should have made myself clearer.

That's deeply unpleasant in my view

Yes those who choose not to

OP you are not being unreasonable, your DD is not being invited to this freind's house. The expectation that they spend time at each others house is not arising, and now his Mum asks, I think she is looking for an easy option childcare. I see you also offer, but I would cool off on the offering.

The world is full of takers. Whether she is one remains to be seen, but don't let it become an issue.

@NaughtyNell

There's some bloody horrible people on this forum.

If you can't reciprocate invitations then don't accept them, and especially dont ask for them

Bullshit. I've had kids over whose parents never invited DD back or maybe once or twice.

Here's the thing. I invite kids for DD's sake , so she could build friendships,have a social life,have someone to play with etc. Once they got a bit older it was for my own sake too as they'd just go off on their own as I could have a break or do chores and stuff without DD moaning she's bored,can I do this ,can I do that.

I invite kids over because it benefits me and DD, and tbh I also prefer playdates at my house as it's less hassle.

You have playdates because you want to, not to keep tally charts and wait impatiently for the favour to be returned.

Yes, you do it to facilitate the friendship but I actually don't do any of it for my benefit. I am naturally an introvert and don't want the extra company, my children are very sociable so it would be cruel to not host playdates!

My husband and the DC's friends' parents that 'do' host them all work and are busy but we still manage it. The one set of parents that don't manage it (ironically, have more flexibility as one is a freelancer) are actually perceived to be taking the piss! It is not about Tallies, it is about give and take and mutual responsibility for something that benefits both of your children. It is hugely beneficial for the parents I am thinking of to have their child taken out for the afternoon in the holidays as it stops the child being bored at home for example but as we work it would be hugely helpful to us if this was reciprocated but it is 'always' others within the friendship group that take it on themselves to be helpful and yes, that is now being noted and is highly unfair as in our situation it is definitely not justifiable, they are just lazy and thoughtless oh and don't like mess in their home!!

Bullshit. I've had kids over whose parents never invited DD back or maybe once or twice. Here's the thing. I invite kids for DD's sake , so she could build friendships,have a social life,have someone to play with etc. Once they got a bit older it was for my own sake too as they'd just go off on their own as I could have a break or do chores and stuff without DD moaning she's bored,can I do this ,can I do that.
I invite kids over because it benefits me and DD, and tbh I also prefer playdates at my house as it's less hassle. You have playdates because you want to, not to keep tally charts and wait impatiently for the favour to be returned

Absolutely this! Playdates are to provide opportunities for friendship and socialisiation for your children. They are not about the adults.

Exactly, so that should be the priority for both sets of parents! It shouldn't be onesided. That's what being a parent involves - effort!!

The children I know who never host playdates, want there parents to do it and will ask their Dad at the school gate, particularly as they are walking the dog anyway at the park and are old enough to hang out on the play area that can be seen from the park but they always say, 'no', they are very quick to say, 'yes' if you are offering. It is so entitled and selfish!

And all these things you suggest people can do as the are partly working from home but apparently that work can be left or done at 10 at night, can also be done by someone who finishes work at 6 in preparation for a weekend play date. I think when it comes down to it, it's about not wanting to bother.

I take your point. But replace ‘not wanting to bother’ with ‘physically exhausted’.

Occasionally I work from home, it’s much easier sitting on the sofa with my laptop all day than commuting an hour each way and being on my feet all day. I only work from home if I have an excess of admin or training though, most of my work is face to face and involves walking at least 3K per day around a hospital, ward to ward! Even when I work from home my child goes to after school club as I usually have at least 3 Skype business meetings between 2 and 6. Many of her friends go too, so it’s not as if she misses out on socialising after school.

Totally different if you can log in and log out. And if you work from home most days you save a lot of energy. Plus nobody forces you to have play dates after school. It’s a choice. And not all parents have that choice sadly.

Unless of course I give up my job or change my hours (but the NHS needs all hands on deck right now) I simply can’t do after school play dates!

I used to host a lot of playdates when I was a SAHM and never resented working mums not reciprocating. Actually I didn’t resent anyone not reciprocating, who knows what’s going on in their homes. I used to be friends with a lovely mum from Afghanistan who spoke little English but always came to play dates when I invited her. She was so polite and gracious and lovely. Always brought snacks for the kids, insisted on helping me in the kitchen, tidied up the toys, even unloaded the dishwasher once when I was in the garden. This was when our kids were toddlers so mums stayed. She didn’t invite us back to hers but I assumed she had a reason not to... and why would I pry? I miss her (we moved away when I started working again). A lot of the mums excluded her, either because she didn’t reciprocate or the language barrier was awkward maybe.

As for weekends, once indoor meet ups are permitted again I’ll be arranging play dates for DD at ours. Probably on Sundays though or when I’m on leave. Saturdays (after a week of commuting and working long hours in a high stress physical job) I can barely get off the sofa before noon let alone watch another person’s child!

those who choose not to

It’s not so clear cut. Those who choose not to may be physically exhausted from working out of the home all week, or want to spend time with their own child. I don’t like the way people imply it’s laziness that causes working parents not to reciprocate every playdate! Or that not wanting to do outdoor play dates during lockdown means they’ll never host one in the school holidays when they’re on annual leave!

I actually didn't mean after school, we can't always do afterschool (despite lounging on a sofa on our laptops) as we have deadlines to achieve and we can't have extra children to be responsible for. When we work from home it's our actual jobs, it is not insignificant admin catch up that we haven't managed to do in the office. It is mentally draining, I'm not sure where all this energy is saved. If you have responsibilities at Director level then it is not really a walk in the park.

I think it depends on circumstances but if you know they are very similar to yours and yes, it would be useful to have some holiday childcare help reciprocated, then you shouldn't take the piss as that's the reputation you will start to get. Ultimately nurturing friendships for your child is the responsibility of parents not just one set of parents. It is part of bringing up a child and you wouldn't leave other responsibilities like getting them to school on time to another parent so why would you leave socialisation? Obviously caveat that with in particular circumstances this might not work at all but for most IME it can be done, it's just not wanting to do it. Fine but don't expect everyone else to sort it for you.

Pre pandemic I was working out of the home every day but my job doesn't have to be done in the office so I had to work from home. I still did playdates at the weekend, in the holidays. I have hated WFH, it is not great having all the boundaries blurred and feeling like you are never 'off'. My DH stayed away, overnight this week for site inspections, he is still able to pull his weight.

I rarely arrange playdates during term time. However, in the school holidays(except Christmas )I can and do have kids over for the whole day, from 10 am to 8 pm. So it is would take 6/7 weeks for someone to get their "money's worth ".

Strictly speaking , I give more free childcare than I get, mostly because I rarely need it anyways and when I do I ask actual friends .

Of course, I don't look at it like that. It's more like "Yay, someone can entertain DD and I can be left alone to get on with my own stuff" .

Ultimately nurturing friendships for your child is the responsibility of parents not just one set of parents. It is part of bringing up a child and you wouldn't leave other responsibilities like getting them to school on time to another parent so why would you leave socialisation?

Socialisation happens at school, after school clubs and activities, holiday clubs. And play dates.

I don’t think weekly or even monthly play dates are essential for nurturing friendships provided the child has plenty of time to socialise in the holidays.

If both parents work FT (especially in physically demanding jobs) what’s wrong with only hosting play dates when you have annual leave or on a Sunday?

My DD often socialises in the park before school with her friends, on days we’re early. Not an arranged play date but it fits in spontaneously and means I can still commute after drop off.

I don’t know any parents who don’t ‘nurture’ friendships their child has made. If DD’s friends’ parents want to bring their kids to mine in the holidays when I’m on leave that’s fine by me. I don’t expect an invitation back especially if I know they’re working (or have problems at home or lots of other children to look after.)

When we work from home it's our actual jobs, it is not insignificant admin catch up that we haven't managed to do in the office. It is mentally draining, I'm not sure where all this energy is saved

You use less PHYSICAL energy wfh than if you’re commuting for hours then on your feet all day.

Admin and training are part of any job? Not insignificant catch up days. My wfh days are peppered with Skype meetings, yes they’re mentally draining but I’m not physically exhausted at the end of the day (like I am when I’ve walked miles and dealt with emergencies face to face and trekked all over the hospital, on top of school runs and after school club pick up).

YANBU, now I've seen your update that she's invited him to yours in addition to the times you've invited him over. I think at this point you have to ask yourself if it's worth it for your DD. If she's enjoying the play dates, I'd keep doing them, just maybe less often?

Agree though, if she's working FT, when is she meant to reciprocate? I'm not asking to be combative; I genuinely don't know how she could without having DD at the weekend? (Which I would have no problem with but people here seem very stuck on weekends being family only..)

show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like

Wow. Considering your thread subject matter and what you wrote about this woman that statement is hugely lacking in any form of self awareness. You can’t criticise others for what you yourself are the queen of.

The thing is the WFH is our jobs admin and training it isn't! I don't understand what you don't get about that. Our jobs aren't admin so I don't think you understand.

I think the OP is entitled to think this person is taking the piss. Often the instinct is right.