To think she’s using me as childcare?

[Rainallnight]

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

The only thing I’d remark on, though, is some of the assumptions about SAHMs on this thread, and Mumsnet generally. It’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve worked all my life, including going back to work after both DC. I took a break from work to care for my dying mum, and had to extend it because one of my DC experienced fairly severe mental health challenges during lockdown. Now I’m sorting childcare for younger DC so I can get back to work. So I’m having a brief period of accidental SAHM-ing. My mental health is fairly shot after my experiences of the past year.

I’m sort of staggered by the reaction being off work brings out in these threads. Talk of ‘leisurely afternoons’ and so on, and the slight implications that mums who work outside the home are the only ones who have pressures just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like.

I can see why it’s like this but it is a shame there is so much division.

@NoSquirrels

If she works full time, it’s really hard to organise a play date. You can’t do after school, weekends get busy and you need time to yourself too. Plus - inside play dates (if you’re in the U.K.) haven’t been technically allowed lately.

If you don’t want to invite the kid over, stop. But don’t seethe about a FT working parent not being able to reciprocate easily.

I find this, working full time. It is especially true with multiple DCs and as a single parent - it's awkward because I don't want to deny my children a social life or to be a cheeky f¥$¢er myself...

That said, I wouldn't accept 5 invitations in a row without either being able to reciprocate or having a frank discussion about why I might not be able to check the other parent was feeling ok (and make sure even if they are that a provide a special afternoon tea cake or buy a pizza delivery some time).

If he’s a nice friend for DD and behaves well at your house I probably wouldn’t mind if you’ve invited him. Some people are better at play dates than others...

@Goldenbear

Who are all these people that think it makes life easier, more food needed, more mess (fine as they are having fun) and the general waiting around for someone to get picked up before you can relax in your own home.

But it is easier. The other child(den) entertain mine so I get some time to myself, play dates generally involve fish fingers or similar for tea, so not exactly hard, and my kids know that they have to tidy away all their toys before they're allowed to watch a little bit of Tv before bed, so not any more mess. Also, I get generally try to time them so that they're the day before cleaner day, so the house is a bit grubby anyway and our lovely cleaner will be here the next day to deal with it all.

Offering is one thing but other parent has also asked. Without offering a reciprocal meet at hers. Honestly op go with your gut feeling. So offer when you are happy to do so and don’t feel bad if you say no.

@Rainallnight sorry to hear of your troubles over the past year.

Have you actually taken in the responses on this thread?

For example when do you think the parent who works full time can offer for reciprocate the play date?

I would agree that it makes you tidy up and I think that is certainly beneficial to the state of my house but I will host them after work and we live the furthest away from school only about 1.3 miles but there is moaning from the friends about the walk, I often log back on to work to do a bit more but can't do that if other children are here. My teenager finds the young girls annoying as they tend to burst in to his room. Also, I often have 3 extra kids not just the one. They often never want to leave and get up to mischief when it is time to go. These are the challenges we all take on to facilitate the friendships but the one set of parents although freelance refuse and others are becoming a bit resentful as we all work!

I’m sort of staggered by the reaction being off work brings out in these threads. Talk of ‘leisurely afternoons’ and so on, and the slight implications that mums who work outside the home are the only ones who have pressures just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like.

I think people were just offering up an explanation as to why it might be more challenging for a parent who works f/t to facilitate play dates. I don't think it was a dig a SAHPs.

@chopc Um, yes, please see my post of 14:10 where I said I could see I was unreasonable.

OP, you say it’s a shame there’s so much division, but are you sure that you didn’t intentionally word the title of your thread and the wording of your post in order to encourage a bit of divisiveness? Hmm?

Yes, I’m sure.

Ok

Honestly? The concept of a "sisterhood" is a bit of a sham, ime. There are things that women can generally understand better than a man, since a man doesn't have the same physical experience as a woman, but then again, no two women are exactly alike. A thread about feminine hygiene products (why anyone would wear a liner between periods, for instance) is all the proof I need that there are oceans between my experience of being a woman and someone else's. Basically, I wouldn't count on a random woman to be any more reasonable, fair, and understanding than a random man.

But to your original point, she may be taking advantage. If you're not happy hosting, you'll have to either stop offering or have a list of excuses for when she asks. Even if she doesn't view you as childcare, if it's not working for you, it's not working! I'd only have him over when it's convenient for you.

It's frustrating when someone always claims to have been "meaning to" do this or that, yet never actually doing it, so I'd be irritated on that head alone.

When mine were reception age, I did think that they had all day with children in their class and actually they were tired and I wanted to do stuff with my own children. I'm no averse to them but IME the benefit older children more with socialisation not really infant school aged children. Sometimes, the child doesn't like the after school setting so yes, the OP could have a point. My DC have both had friends that prefer play dates to afterschool club.

@Rainallnight

The only thing I’d remark on, though, is some of the assumptions about SAHMs on this thread, and Mumsnet generally. It’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve worked all my life, including going back to work after both DC. I took a break from work to care for my dying mum, and had to extend it because one of my DC experienced fairly severe mental health challenges during lockdown. Now I’m sorting childcare for younger DC so I can get back to work. So I’m having a brief period of accidental SAHM-ing. My mental health is fairly shot after my experiences of the past year.

I’m sort of staggered by the reaction being off work brings out in these threads. Talk of ‘leisurely afternoons’ and so on, and the slight implications that mums who work outside the home are the only ones who have pressures just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like.

I can see why it’s like this but it is a shame there is so much division.

I agree.

@Rainallnight

The only thing I’d remark on, though, is some of the assumptions about SAHMs on this thread, and Mumsnet generally. It’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve worked all my life, including going back to work after both DC. I took a break from work to care for my dying mum, and had to extend it because one of my DC experienced fairly severe mental health challenges during lockdown. Now I’m sorting childcare for younger DC so I can get back to work. So I’m having a brief period of accidental SAHM-ing. My mental health is fairly shot after my experiences of the past year.

I’m sort of staggered by the reaction being off work brings out in these threads. Talk of ‘leisurely afternoons’ and so on, and the slight implications that mums who work outside the home are the only ones who have pressures just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like.

I can see why it’s like this but it is a shame there is so much division.

The only division is of your making, when you invite a child to your home and then bitch and complain about their mother.

Sisterhood...what the fuck?

@BimBimBapp maybe RTFT and you'll some of the times the other mum has been asking for an invitation.

'just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination'

And starting a thread about this other woman and her child who you invite over is....? A great act of sisterhood? I don't think so.

Be the change you want to see OP. Maybe if people like you were a bit more 'sisterly' other people might follow? Lead by example and all that.

Well as others have pointed out, I don’t think she can really be using you as childcare, because five times in the academic year would be a pretty useless childcare arrangement for a FT worker. But she almost certainly does find it very difficult to reciprocate. That’s not the same as using you for childcare. It’s up to you to decide whether that’s acceptable to you or not.

If it were me and my child liked the little boy, benefitted from the play date and maintained a friendship that helped her feel happy and settled at school, I’d be happy to overlook it.

I would step back if you are feeling put upon. I would might be encouraging her to invite other children too. It's good to have a wide selection of friends.

Friendships between girls and boys usually peter out - by Y2 there are barely any left.

I never worried about return play dates, was always happy to host. We all worked so fitted them in when we could.

Five play dates in a year is hardly excessive plus given the restrictions surely they were mainly last summer or outside anyway.

[quote mainsfed]@BimBimBapp maybe RTFT and you'll some of the times the other mum has been asking for an invitation.[/quote]
And OP extended that invite, so my point remains.

To me, it sounds like..you're actually pretty pissed off that she hasn't offered to have your DC, because you'd like - and it sounds like you deserve and need - a break.
I can guarantee, you're that person that is always kind to others, giving and generous...but you don't have the support you'd like when life is tough for you.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising atall. I have read between the lines and can hear someone who's been through A LOT of stress in the last couple of years and would like to think they're not being taken advantage of.

And OP extended that invite, so my point remains.

Not really a freely given invitation when you ask for it. And OP has said nothing 'bitchy' about this woman, but what a typically sexist response.