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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she’s using me as childcare?

213 replies

Rainallnight · 14/05/2021 09:26

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

OP posts:
Twistiesandshout · 14/05/2021 10:31

She works full time, it is really tough to find time for playdates. It is SO much easier when you are not working or part time (have been FT/PT/not working over the years). If your children are friends it is nice to have playdates.

mainsfed · 14/05/2021 10:33

All the comments about how busy this woman must be imply OP's time is less valuable. (I work FT).

Funny how no invites are forthcoming in the holidays either.

hibbledibble · 14/05/2021 10:34

It's possibly because of her home environment. I have previously only had kids coming to ours, as their parents were embarrassed about their homes.

Or it might be due to lack of time.

You are right it's time for it to be reciprocated. Can you ask the mum directly? Maybe a weekend playdate at hers.

motherloaded · 14/05/2021 10:35

We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times.

Rainallnight Do YOU invite him
or does SHE ask you to have him over?

8monthsinandcranky · 14/05/2021 10:37

I was expecting this to be a clear CF situation but actually I don’t think it is.

If you’re inviting the little boy to your home and the mother is simply agreeing then she’s not ‘using you for childcare’ she’s just not reciprocating which could be for a number of reasons. Issues at home, unstable living environment/conditions or simply that she is too overstretched and doesn’t have capacity/inclination.

SAHP’s get very defensive about ‘my time is not less valuable’ than working mums and Ofc that’s true but they do have more on their plate and less overall time than you so you kinda need to accept that and get off your high horse about it. It’s likely she only has weekends to fit everything in, house work, family, her own friends and errands I assume it’s a nightmare.

I work PT so kinda see it from both angles. SAHP friends have a lot more time than I do whilst FT working friends have a lot less.

NuffSaidSam · 14/05/2021 10:38

This is just the way it is when you work full-time.

She can't have your child over for a playdate if she's working.
You CAN have her child over because you're not working.
The children want a playdate.
It has to be at yours or not at all.
Your choice.

YABU.

Branleuse · 14/05/2021 10:38

some parents are always inviting kids for playdates and have some idea in their head that everyone wants to do that.
If shes sending her kid over to yours unasked, then put a stop to it.
If youre inviting the kid, then thats your choice

SparklyLeprechaun · 14/05/2021 10:39

Funny how no invites are forthcoming in the holidays either.

Why? I still work during the school holidays. The kids go to holiday club. I take time off to go away on holiday.

SparklyLeprechaun · 14/05/2021 10:42

All the comments about how busy this woman must be imply OP's time is less valuable. (I work FT).

Really? I work ft, I'm not super busy and don't think my time is incredibly valuable. It's just that I'm out of the house so I can't host playdates. That's about it.

Lemonlemon88 · 14/05/2021 10:43

@mindutopia yes its really difficult when you work full time but others can't do weekends at all as its family time. We are always happy to have the whole family over too to make it work.

Schoolchoicesucks · 14/05/2021 10:43

All depends on who is suggesting the playdates. If it's you and the lack of reciprocity is bothering you, stop offering them. If it's her, then she is being cheeky. But if your DC enjoys them then you could continue to provide them when it works for you.

Some people struggle to reciprocate due to work, lack of space, embarrassment about clutter.... it's not necessarily that she's taking the piss.

Volhhg · 14/05/2021 10:43

No idea but I guess you just have to weigh up how much your daughter enjoys the playdates and how it benefits her. If she likes having him around and they play well together and generally you feel it's a beneficial social experience for her then I suppose it doesn't matter if she's using you. Or if you feel you would like her to develop other friendships then invite another child

BelleBlueBell · 14/05/2021 10:43

Way too little information to say either way imo

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 14/05/2021 10:46

What does she do normally for childcare? Presumably she pays for an alternative that she still has to pay for if he doesn't come to you.

I work FT and can never offer after school playdates. However I try to offer weekends but people tend to say no. It's difficult.

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2021 10:48

@mainsfed

All the comments about how busy this woman must be imply OP's time is less valuable. (I work FT).

Funny how no invites are forthcoming in the holidays either.

They really don’t imply anyone’s time is more valuable, just that if one party is working X hours at paid employment they have X less hours to host play dates than the person working at childcare.

And full-time working parents also work full-time in the holidays Confused

Randomdogbite · 14/05/2021 10:49

Honestly I work full time I pick my children up at 5.30 everyday, when could I have an after school play date? However I’d be delighted if one of mine could do something different after school, should I say no as I know I can’t reciprocate. Play dates haven’t been happening anyway because of covid but if mine went to a friends house to play I’d still pay for childcare anyway!

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 10:50

No, she's not using you for childcare, how would that even work? She must already have childcare, she's hardly planning her days on the off chance you want a playdate, is she?

I've been her in this situation. I work full time, I'm literally not there to do playdates. If anything its an arse for me to arrange to get my kid to go to it, but I will do because she likes it and the other mother has asked for a playdate. I didn't ask for it, I don't even particularly want it!

You don't invite a kid to your house in the expectation of getting an invite back. If you don't want her kid there, stop inviting them over!

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2021 10:54

I know how you feel. I'm a sahm and had my daughters friends over quite often, rarely was it reciprocated. Many mums work a full day and use the wrap around school clubs. I realised that they're not going to book a half days annual leave, or use their weekend to invite mine over for a playdate. My child benefited from these playdates, so I continued.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/05/2021 11:02

She works full time, it's probably not as easy for her. Like others have asked, are you inviting the little boy or is she asking you because if you're inviting him I don't see how you can say she's using you for childcare?

Hersetta427 · 14/05/2021 11:03

Maybe she is waiting until you are allowed to mix indoors?

Crosstrainer · 14/05/2021 11:10

Depends whether you’re asking him ( “would Harry like to come after school on Thursday? Pick him up about 6?”) or if she’s asking you (“any chance you could take Harry home with you on Thursday and I’ll pick him up about 6?”). If it’s the former - no. The latter? Yes, probably.

paralysedbyinertia · 14/05/2021 11:21

My child benefited from these playdates, so I continued.

I think this is the point, really. You are not actually doing the other mother a favour by having her child over to play, you are doing it because your own child enjoys it. If your own child stops enjoying it, or if you decide that it isn't worth the hassle, then just stop doing it.

It would be nice and polite if the other parent could reciprocate, but there is no law that says she has to. Perhaps the fact that you have repeatedly invited her child over without her having invited yours back has given her the impression that you're happy with this arrangement.

This is assuming that you're doing the inviting. If the other parent is asking for the playdates without ever hosting in return, then just stop being such a fucking martyr and decline.

RaisinFlapjack · 14/05/2021 11:29

Yes ultimately a play date is for the kids. The school mums that hosts play dates for my DD insists it is no bother and if anything it’s easier for her when her DD has a friend for company.

I am well aware I can’t host anything like the number of play dates a SAHM can manage. I can occasionally book annual leave or flex my hours but it is really going out of my way just so I can occasionally reciprocate. If I was going to pick up my DD anyway I’d not think it a great inconvenience to pick up another kid too and have them for a couple of hours.

fridascruffs · 14/05/2021 11:32

I had 2 friends that helped me a lot when my Dcs were young. Years later, I tutored their kids for free (maths/science.) Dd had a friend who had 3 siblings, the friend stayed at ours much more often than dd went to theirs (she stayed over most weekends) but it didn't bother me, dd was happier in company. So I'd say, have the boy over if it doesn't bother you, dont if it does. Simples.

her me

Enwi · 14/05/2021 11:37

If she works full time I can’t see what use five random days of childcare would be. If she uses a childminder/ after school club she’ll likely still need to pay for him even if he’s at a play date, so won’t be saving her any money.

I’d imagine if you work full time it’s quite difficult to reciprocate play dates vs someone who is at home. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of I’d stop offering/agreeing to play dates. Smile