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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she’s using me as childcare?

213 replies

Rainallnight · 14/05/2021 09:26

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 14/05/2021 13:09

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare

Not necessarily. Depends who initiated the playdate and invited the kid round to you all those times?

I personally wouldn't be hosting any more. It's her turn to host and it is not rude to say that if the subject comes up again.

Equally if you did the inviting and suggested he comes to yours, she is not U for accepting.

headintheproverbial · 14/05/2021 13:10

I think you're massively over simplifying things. YABU.

tolerable · 14/05/2021 13:12

yabu- if hees at yours by invitation

SpaceOp · 14/05/2021 13:13

@honeylulu

If you are inviting the child then it's on you.

I have been the FT working mum in this scenario and it is awkward. Typically my son would get invited to play dates after school (because the SAHMs understandably wanted to keep their weekends for family time). I'd let him go but in reality it meant I still paid for the unused wraparound care I'd booked for those days AND I'd have to rush home from work to pick up from friend's house a bit earlier - 5.30 was usually requested rather than 6. Then when I reciprocated it could only be at a weekend which was a pain when I was knackered from work and wanting to do something other than look after other people's kids. Son is now secondary and I'm glad those days are over. I have a younger child but thanks to covid play dates aren't happening (teeny hooray from me).

Honestly, this just irritates me. Around here, people are understanding of work etc. Sometimes I'm the one working and therefore before accepting a play date, I'd say, "really sorry but I can't get back before 6pm, is it okay to keep her until then" and the other parent says, 'yes of course, no problem". Similarly, if I have a child whose parent is working, I'd never dream of asking them to be picked up earlier than the child would be collected from whatever childcare they would have gone to usually (and for which the parent is still paying).

Who are all these incredibly inflexible people? In holidays, if we want to do a playdate with DD's BF we accept it means she gets dropped off at 8 am, usually sans breakfast, and collected at 6pm, because her mum works all day and her options are holiday club OR us. On one occasion, where we had somewhere to be for later, we dropped the child at her holiday club for the afternoon session, but it wouldn't even occur to me to say no to the playdate because we have to accommodate the parent's working schedule.

I'd like to hear from OP under what conditions the play date is arranged too because a parent asking you to have a playdate at your house is very different to you inviting that child and the working parent agreeing they can come to you instead of going to childcare.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/05/2021 13:14

Really depends if she’s asking or if you’re inviting!

I’d you’re inviting she might well just not have found a good time yet. If she’s asking, you’ve got a point!

I work full time and it’s really hard! I do manage to invite their friends but it’s tricky.

Triffid1 · 14/05/2021 13:18

Just to add to the comments already made, this kind of thing goes further too eg DS has a good friend who is one of 3 and whose mum is single. So we tend to drop him/collect him for playdates and I'm usually the one driving the boys to an activity. Because for her to collect or drop him involves getting both the other kids in the car etc etc whereas because DH and I work from home, it's super easy for one of us to jump in the car and take him home, leaving the other one at home with DD making dinner/doing bathtime/working/whatever.

It's just common sense.

Mrgrinch · 14/05/2021 13:31

5 times with no reciprocation would be too may times for me.

thelegohooverer · 14/05/2021 13:36

Just don’t invite if you’re not comfortable with it. As a sahm I liked hosting play dates because it was an opportunity for the dc to play together. I figured that my dc got more out of it than the visiting dc who was often in a creche after school and playing and socialising more. I wasn’t expecting working parents to tit-for-tat.

One family couldn’t host play dates because of their older child’s sn. There can be all sorts of reasons.
Occasionally I’ve had my dc come home from a play date and not want to host the other dc for a very good reason and it’s not benefiting anyone to push the issue.
I think it helps to be flexible about these things.

Ssmiler · 14/05/2021 13:39

@RaisinFlapjack

I work full time, DD goes to after school club every day. Sometimes one of school mums offers to pick her up and have her round for an after school play date. We do have her daughter round sometimes but it’s very uneven as I can’t often do an after school pick up and I have younger DS to collect from nursery. Ratio is at probably at least 4 to 1.

The DDs get along famously, school mum always offers I never ask.

I don’t see it as childcare as on the days she goes for a play date I’m still paying for childcare I’m not using!

This I worked full time in a demanding job and had major family issues / responsibilities too with distance involved - so even Saturday play dates were very difficult for me to arrange, and not as frequent as I might have liked. It was something that I really wished I could do more of.

I paid for full time childcare but a sahm often asked if she could take my son to her house to play after school. I felt awkward that I couldn’t reciprocate and it also put me under extra pressure as she expected him to be collected from hers before 5pm, while my childcare pick up time was by 6pm.
She used to discuss it with the boys at school pick up before texting me to tell me “they’d decided to do play date this Thursday” etc - so it was really hard to get out of it without upsetting the boys who were young and had already been told it was happening.
Then I heard that she was complaining that I was “using her for childcare” and not reciprocating as often as I should. I can’t tell you how upsetting that was to hear with all the pressure I was already under, given that her taking my son who already had a pre booked and paid childcare place, was actually adding to my stress.

So when is it you’d like her to take your child OP? Should she book annual leave to do that? Really, unless you are being expressly asked by the other mum to take her child, then either take him if you’d like to or want to and be nice about it - or don’t take him. Taking him and then complaining about no reciprocation without any reference to another parent’s situation is not pleasant IMO

Ohnomyteeth · 14/05/2021 13:45

I imagine she has existing childcare in place for the days her DC has been to play. So I doubt you are being used as childcare. She is unable to reciprocate after school as she is working.

DD has a friend that has been over, but she cannot go to the friend's after school, as the parents are teachers. Doesn't bother me at all.

Coyoacan · 14/05/2021 13:52

I think if you want to invite a child or a friend to your house you should do so for its own sake, not looking to get the return invitation. When my dd was small, our house was the playground for all her friends and I enjoyed their presence. Now my dgd has all her friends around at our flat and I love it just as much. If you have an only child, it is wonderful to be able to organise some company for them, isn't it?

TinyTear · 14/05/2021 13:55

I think the OP isn't enjoying being told she is wrong...

user1471554720 · 14/05/2021 14:06

I just don't agree to playdates as I work fulltime. I do food shopping and dcs activities on a Sat so the weekends are very busy. A SAHM tried to arrange a playdate with me for Sat afternoon, and I started crying. Sat afternoon is when I clean the house, bake etc. DH and dcs like to relax st 9pm on the weekdays. If I didn't take the Sat afternoons to do my jobs, I would be stuck cleaning at 9pm on a weekday and I won't do that for anyone, SAHM or no SAHM. There would be no appreciation from them as they can get all their jobs done at reasonable times and just don't understand and don't care how much pressure this generates for other people!!!

LillianGish · 14/05/2021 14:07

Does your DD enjoy playing with this little boy? Is he a PIA to have over? Sometimes it’s easier having a friend over so they can play together than having to entertain them yourself. If you are inviting him over at a time that suits you then I don’t see the problem. That was always my criteria when organising play dates - if you abide by that then it doesn’t really matter what the other parent’s motivation is.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2021 14:08

As everyone else said

Are you inviting or is she asking @Rainallnight

Original poster
Rainallnight · 14/05/2021 14:10

Hello, sorry, busy morning.

It’s been a mix of me offering and the other mum asking.

I can see the consensus is that I am being U, so happy to take that on board.

OP posts:
partyatthepalace · 14/05/2021 14:12

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Yes. She is doing what many mums do. Trying to work, keep her kid/s happy and make friends. If you don't like it say no and she will move on to someone who doesn't mind.

It's up to you if it bothers you or not. You are neither right nor wrong in your thoughts about it.

This exactly

It’s not right or wrong

QforCucumber · 14/05/2021 14:14

Funny how no invites are forthcoming in the holidays either.

My DS goes to his nanas or holiday club in the holidays, we aren't at home with him having all this free time for playdates, unsurprisingly not every working parent is Term Time only

Goldenbear · 14/05/2021 14:15

I think this is where Mumsnet tends to be a bit removed from what people feel and think in real life about these scenarios. People around here are genuinely pleased when someone picks up your child from school as it takes the pressure off of you, you can stay longer at work etc. My youngest is late junior years and so everyone works, but we have one particular set of parents who never offer to have the DC over. They have jobs that allow them flexibility but seem to find it all so challenging to sort out and don't imagine we have challenges in organising these things, indeed, in the holidays a parent had seen my DD with some friends as I had to work that day and demanded to know why her DC wasn't included. I'm not sure of the exact reason but I think everyone is a bit sick of the lack of reciprication.

Cupidity · 14/05/2021 14:15

I'm a SAHM. I often (pre covid) host playdates, and I don't mind if it's reciprocated or not. Some parents work full time, others may not have a garden, some families just don't do playdates. But my dc love having friends round to play and if it makes them happy and keeps them entertained then I'm all for it. Also, it makes me tidy my house 2 or 3 times a week as I know people are coming round - covid isolation has not been great for my toy tidying away routine.

Bul21ia · 14/05/2021 14:15

It depends how well you know the school mum. However if you have offered you have made a rod for your own back!

Is it more your DD hasn’t been round to her house that’s bothering you? Say no in future you have made plans already.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2021 14:16

@Rainallnight

Hello, sorry, busy morning.

It’s been a mix of me offering and the other mum asking.

I can see the consensus is that I am being U, so happy to take that on board.

If she asks it’s childcare

But if a mixture and been 5. That’s 2 and 3 iyswim

pondfrog · 14/05/2021 14:21

Tbh the core issue for me is not whether the other parent is taking the piss but whether my child benefits/ enjoys the socialisation and friendship.

pondfrog · 14/05/2021 14:21

And whether the other child is benefiting from it too.

Goldenbear · 14/05/2021 14:22

Who are all these people that think it makes life easier, more food needed, more mess (fine as they are having fun) and the general waiting around for someone to get picked up before you can relax in your own home.

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