To think she’s using me as childcare?

[Rainallnight]

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

We have dd s friend over about twice a week, sometimes more and take her with us to the zoo legoland ect. We both work but still manage to fit it around. Shes a lovely wee girl and no bother. We often joke that she is part of the family her mom is not working at the moment but has a lot on her plate mentally after fleeing an abusive marriage and now fighting for custody ect, so for us it makes sense that we have her dd over so much and I like to think we give her mom a bit of respite while giving her dd some space to be a kid.
5 playdates would definitely not make me feel like childcare

She works full time, why would she want to spend any of her precious weekend or evening time entertaining or minding your son? She’s probably exhausted. If you keep inviting her DD to play she probably thinks it’s for the kids benefit not hers.

I’ve been both a SAHM and a FT working mum, when you’re at home all day you have loads of time to yourself, time with your kid, time to clean and keep on top of housework.

FT working and she must be using after school club or other childcare (or how else does she manage those hours) so she hardly gets to see her DD. Who has the energy or desire to host a play date after a day at work or a whole week of work?

Maybe she’ll host at half term or when she’s got some annual leave.

Maybe her DD has play dates with other friends and she can’t squeeze in any more around work?

I’d encourage your son to make other friends too, and go for SAHM friends if you want regular reciprocation.

Also is your son hard work? They still sound very young for a drop off play date!

The times you've invited her dc? Meh. She can't reciprocate really.

The times she's asked you to have him? A few times, no problem. More than that? It's becoming childcare.

This could go on for years. I've been there. Maybe put your foot down op.

I'm bitter on this. I had a child over for a play date every weds for a year. Not a problem, I thought, kids are happy, I could do it. I asked the parent for one favour, ONE after about a year. She ignored me.

I stayed home with my kids then worked school hours therefore if they wanted a friend over who mum was full time I knew it couldn't be reciprocated and had to he until 6pm. However the particular family would have both my DD's for me once or twice in the long holidays, sometimes other from 9-3 when I worked because they had annual leave, I was most grateful!

I agree with you @Rainallnight about an attitude towards SAHM on here. I think there was a thread about it recently. I think the other mother is taking the piss, it has happened to me before,. Just out of interest are you also paying for food when you look after the child? I would not invite him over any more and perhaps be busy when she fishes for an invitation. On the other hand if your DC enjoy having him, it wouldn't bother me.

@Lovingspring

I agree with you *@Rainallnight* about an attitude towards SAHM on here. I think there was a thread about it recently. I think the other mother is taking the piss, it has happened to me before,. Just out of interest are you also paying for food when you look after the child? I would not invite him over any more and perhaps be busy when she fishes for an invitation. On the other hand if your DC enjoy having him, it wouldn't bother me.

How is she taking the piss? Only 5 playdates, and for some of those OP invited the child herself. Unless they were all in a week , I don't see how she's taking the piss or using OP as childcare.

BeneathYourWisdom, if my DD's circle of friend's parents all had your attitude none of them would see each other outside of school, something that has a significant bearing on friendships around here. All the parents work, admittedly we are all in jobs that have been doable from home but often you host the meet up, at the park or someone's garden and then you are working later as it is still waiting for you. Don't you think everyone finds their time precious, I find it hilarious that people really think others are falling over themselves to host playdates all the time. The parents that never do anything have become known as 'users', goodwill swings in roundabouts.

Ironically the couple who never do anything work full.time at home the rest of us have a mixture of full time job in an office and having to be in the office part of the week but obviously working remotely for the rest of the time.

@Rainallnight

The only thing I’d remark on, though, is some of the assumptions about SAHMs on this thread, and Mumsnet generally. It’s been a real eye opener for me.

I’ve worked all my life, including going back to work after both DC. I took a break from work to care for my dying mum, and had to extend it because one of my DC experienced fairly severe mental health challenges during lockdown. Now I’m sorting childcare for younger DC so I can get back to work. So I’m having a brief period of accidental SAHM-ing. My mental health is fairly shot after my experiences of the past year.

I’m sort of staggered by the reaction being off work brings out in these threads. Talk of ‘leisurely afternoons’ and so on, and the slight implications that mums who work outside the home are the only ones who have pressures just show huge lack of sisterhood as well as lack of imagination for what people’s lives can be like.

I can see why it’s like this but it is a shame there is so much division.

I haven't even been on MN that long and the anti-SAHM stuff is really putting me off.

"I’ve been both a SAHM and a FT working mum, when you’re at home all day you have loads of time to yourself, time with your kid, time to clean and keep on top of housework" I've also done both and this is just not true.

All the parents work, admittedly we are all in jobs that have been doable from home

There’s a big difference between being able to work from home and catch up later, to say commuting an hour each way to work and being on your feet much of the day. Not everyone has the luxury of working school hours only or doing their job from home.

i only ever had other peoples kids round when I was friends with their parents.I did allow my kids to go on playdates to others if they asked, but hated reciprocating, as 1, my house was always messy, and 2, I had 2 other autistic kids and it just always felt like chaos and was barely handling life with my own, let alone adding more

Imagine being out of the house from say 7am until 6pm, then hosting a play date! Or working 37.5 hours a week and spending your Saturday watching over someone else’s kids to reciprocate a play date.

We do work those hours so no need to imagine, I don't have the kind of job personally that ends at school pick up time. My DH commutes to London and works many more hours than 37.5, one parent works full time in a clinic, one works again partly commuting to London but has had mine over. We make it work at weekends if necessary, in the holidays etc. I would not dream of assuming everyone 'loves' my child's presence, even if that's what they say as they are doing it to benefit the friendships between the children not just for their child.

I worked FT and invited children at the weekends. Unless it was a party no-one wanted to come. (And there's no point in inviting a seven year-old for dinner at 7.30 is there?)
So you're stuck really.

Luckily my DCs' friends understood - and it worked for us.

Five times over what period? Five times over five months isn’t a lot. Five times over two weeks is.

It is not a luxury, it is work, it has to be done, what are you on about, - 'luxury'? I really think that when I'm shattered after park,picking up enough food for all these children and hosting some play and food in the garden and then logging back in to do work at 8 at night back until 10! Equally, the work is professional that needs to be thought about, It is not going through the motions kind of work.

OP I think the interpretation that you're being U is a bit harsh. I have long ago decided we do playdates for my DCs' sake only and I don't expect tit for tat. However the fact she's asked you to have him and not reciprocated is reason to be wary.

It doesn't need to be exactly one to one, but most non-CFs will either not keep accepting endless invites, or find a way to reciprocate in other ways. It's completely understandable that FT working parents can't always invite back but we've variously had the child sent with biscuits to share, or a bottle of wine after, or my child taken out to McD's very occasionally when I was doing a regular favour. Offer less often, and stop agreeing to do favours if you're feeling put upon.

I haven't even been on MN that long and the anti-SAHM stuff is really putting me off.

Off topic but working mothers - particularly of younger children - are also often given a terrible time on here. Two particularly popular comments for them are ‘you’ll never get this time back’ and ‘why did you even bother having children?’

SAHM, WOHM, whatever - I’ve been here a while and I personally think MN has gone in a generally anti-woman direction, with lots of posters who’ve migrated from the BTL comments section of the Daily Mail.

One of the first principles of misogyny is that a woman can never do anything right. So SAHMs are lazy parasites who live off men, and WOHMs are heartless bitches who shouldn’t have bothered becoming parents and their children will grow up to stab you (or so said Boris Johnson).

It is not a luxury, it is work, it has to be done, what are you on about, - 'luxury'? I really think that when I'm shattered after park,picking up enough food for all these children and hosting some play and food in the garden and then logging back in to do work at 8 at night back until 10! Equally, the work is professional that needs to be thought about, It is not going through the motions kind of work

Being able to do your job from HOME is a luxury not the work itself. So is being able to work flexible hours when you want to (eg at night). Most work has to be ‘thought through’ professionally but it’s a lot easier when you can do it from home, compared to a parent who is commuting and working with members of the public all day, often on their feet constantly with lots of pressure and responsibility to perform.

I’m not saying hosting a play date isn’t hard and tiring for wfh parents but at least it’s possible! And if planned in advance you can pick food up during the family shop and get the other parent to drop off, no need to go to the park and make it more tiring.

@KarmaKarmaKarmaChameleon

I haven't even been on MN that long and the anti-SAHM stuff is really putting me off.

Off topic but working mothers - particularly of younger children - are also often given a terrible time on here. Two particularly popular comments for them are ‘you’ll never get this time back’ and ‘why did you even bother having children?’

SAHM, WOHM, whatever - I’ve been here a while and I personally think MN has gone in a generally anti-woman direction, with lots of posters who’ve migrated from the BTL comments section of the Daily Mail.

One of the first principles of misogyny is that a woman can never do anything right. So SAHMs are lazy parasites who live off men, and WOHMs are heartless bitches who shouldn’t have bothered becoming parents and their children will grow up to stab you (or so said Boris Johnson).

@KarmaKarmaKarmaChameleon you're so right

But it is not WFH full time, it is Covud restrictions that have brought about this for me, my husband and two other parents. Like I said, there are parts of the week we have to go to the office, commute, stay over in my husband's case. I would argue that the office days are miles easier as I get more done and it is left in the office mostly. There are lots of legal timeframes with my job and legal implications for poor advice, I don't work in a team and nobody really understands what I do so there is tons of pressure on me, it doesn't matter if I am at home or in the office it is the same pressure, It is definitely NOT easier at home. My husband's job is the same and the implications of poor decisions are the same whether he is at home or in the office so it really does make no odds to the work pressure - it is 'high'!

It is usual to pick up straight after school here and we've been going to the park because of the need to meet outside. We also don't do family shops and I find that the children we have around don't enjoy the food my children like so things like thai curry, casseroles etc. They like fish fingers or pizza only and my children are not that keen. It is a bit annoying to have to cook two types of meals but I do it as their friendships would not be as strong otherwise.

And all these things you suggest people can do as the are partly working from home but apparently that work can be left or done at 10 at night, can also be done by someone who finishes work at 6 in preparation for a weekend play date. I think when it comes down to it, it's about not wanting to bother.

There are loads of jobs that mean you can't reciprocate with after school playdates. Teaching is one. Holidays and weekends I'm happy to reciprocate. I'll never be able to do after school.

I understand your concerns Rainallnight
If your daughter is really enjoying having her friend over so much fine, do it for her sake. However if you find yourself agreeing to take the little boy just to help out the other working mum, I would politely decline to take him. Your further post explains you are only SAHP for a short spell in your life, so you should really stand your ground in this one and do what’s right for your family and not become a martyr to it.

I’ve worked both FT and PT. Whilst FT it was impossible for me to host play dates during the week. I never wanted other mums to think I was taking advantage of their play dates, so I would regularly host one on a Saturday afternoon, often inviting more than one kid over to blitz my obligations all at once! It’s an efficient way of doing it. For anyone still not balancing out, I would (maybe stupidly) try and make it up by having mine take gifts of flowers/chocolates etc to the other parents to show some appreciation.