To think she’s using me as childcare?

[Rainallnight]

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

I guess I could easily get into this situation too, probably not the same as her, but my problem is I live in a nice area where most of DDs peers live in large-ish, detached houses and we are in one of the very few blocks of flats.
Furthermore, my landlord is awful and the house is falling to bits. I’m extremely embarrassed by it.

However, I wouldn’t let DD go for 5 play dates knowing I wouldn’t be returning the invite, or I’d try and get around it by taking them out instead. I’d probably also make it clear from the get-go though.

Maybe she just doesn’t want to ? If you are doing the inviting and have had enough of there being no reciprocation then just stop inviting, if she is pushing for the play dates then just say you can’t today.
Mine are way past play dates, but I never went into it with any expectations, that way you won’t be disappointed

Honestly I don’t invited sons friends round to ours because we live in a shitty flat in a poor area 7 miles from the school. Could it be something like that?

So stop inviting.

Never invite another child with the expectation of getting a return invite as it rarely works out like that!

Have you watched Motherland? Yes, she's possibly using you for childcare, next time say 'could they playdate at yours instead?' Although, there are a number of reasons why she could be avoiding or unable to return the favour. One family we know has loads of dogs so my children can't go there (they're scared of dogs and don't behave appropriately around them).

Hard to tell frim the information you provided.

If the children are friends, and you are the one inviting, maybe she is just a busy mom who doesn’t have time to reciprocate but does not want this to get in the way of the children enjoying each other’s company.

That said, you need to listen to your own feelibgs and if you are not happy with the situation take a step back and stop inviting for a while.

*feelings

You don't invite a child to play because you want a return invite. You invite a child to play because you want them over. If you don't want this boy over, then don't invite him.

I agree with others that if she works full time, then she may have very little opportunity to host play dates. We've also had lots of experiences where one of our DC was invited to a single child's house lots of times, and we couldn't hope to keep up with return invites as we also had family commitment/non-school friends/other schools friends/other child's activities to rotate through. I suspect if you don't work and she's your oldest/only child and you're prioritising inviting this child, then it might be the same sort of situation.

Also - there's been a lot of this year where play dates weren't allowed!

Its likely just circumstances. If she works FT then she wont be have the time to have your DD over after school 🤷 - i suppose on a weekend it would be possible but then that eats into yours/hers family time etc. Where would her DS be if not at yours? She is probably still paying for unused childcare or having to cancel plans etc with someone else which can be inconvenient or awkward to do if its a regular arrangment, but wants to keep her DS and your DD happy. Or maybe by midweek she feels her house is untidy and she needs the time to tidy or is embarrassed about something. Offering one back is the polite thing to do and she will know this. How about offering times/dates next time she says it. I work FT and this could be me in a few years and I'll be horrified if people think like this about me - though i would do my best to offer play dates back at weekends etc. I live rurally though so that could be a pain for other parents.

I don't know whether she's using you for childcare or not, but in your situation I think the thought that she was would cross my mind too.

If your daughter is enjoying the play sessions and you're comfortable having the little boy around, then I wouldn't think any more about it.

Some people just aren't great at hosting, for whatever reason. We could all speculate the reason why the invitation hasn't been returned, but I'd just put it aside and decide whether or not you're happy to continue, or whether you need the arrangement to work both ways to be happy about it.

I think this is quite a normal thing to happen. Some parents don’t have much spare time for hosting play dates. Maybe they could only suggest evenings or a weekend. If they’re a lone parent, it may be that the child sees their other parent at the weekend. Perhaps they have to take other children to activities etc. Some parents might not have their own home to invite a child back to. Perhaps they live in one room in a relative’s home, perhaps they are in temporary accommodation, perhaps they live with a hoarder and are too embarrassed, all sorts of reasons. I really would ease off on expecting a return offer. Host because you want the child to come and play.

If you're inviting the child over, then no, I would assume as she's working full-time she doesn't have a lot of time to do play dates. It's much easier to do that stuff when you're not working. Obviously. I wouldn't judge her for it. The play date is for the kids isn't it.

@UserAtRandom

You don't invite a child to play because you want a return invite. You invite a child to play because you want them over. If you don't want this boy over, then don't invite him.

I agree with others that if she works full time, then she may have very little opportunity to host play dates. We've also had lots of experiences where one of our DC was invited to a single child's house lots of times, and we couldn't hope to keep up with return invites as we also had family commitment/non-school friends/other schools friends/other child's activities to rotate through. I suspect if you don't work and she's your oldest/only child and you're prioritising inviting this child, then it might be the same sort of situation.

Also - there's been a lot of this year where play dates weren't allowed!

This is a good point too. Friends that are only children or eldest children or very big age gaps with siblings often seem to invite more than we can reciprocate- and usually there’s a discussion at some point and they say “Please don’t worry, we love to have them, it helps us out.”

It’s hard to see when it’s not your own situation. We work FT, have 2 DC with a small age gap, play dates for 1 DC means the other one feeling left out inevitably (bitter experience) so I need to double up DC (extra organising) or find something for other DC to do. Weekends have activities on Sat mornings and Sundays we need a lie in and time to see family members & do chores. It’s just hard sometimes and whilst we try our best I’m not going to turn down what appear to be genuine invitations, disadvantaging my DC, because it’s a strict tit-for-tat on invites.

How does the kid get to your house, how long does he/she stay?

I could never host playdates during the week when the kids were little, and weekends were generally full with activities. I could only reciprocate maybe 1 in 3 invitations, at most. Eventually, the kids drifted towards other children with ft working parents, it made life much easier.

It totally depends on whether she's inviting her DC to your house or you are? DD's bf's mum works full time. If DD wants a playdate, we arrange it for a day that the friend would usually go to after school club and we simply collect her. Mum then picks her up after work.

She does occasionally have DD over on a weekend or doing the holidays (she works shifts so does some weekends/some weekdays) but without a doubt, BF is here far more often than DD is there. It's fine. Because at the end of the day DD wants to see her BF and they have a lovely time.

Next time she says, "we must have DD over some time" I'd say something like, "oh, that would be lovely, DD would love that. I know your schedule is tricky so what days are better for you and we can work around you?"

That’s a bit of a leap op. Is she asking you to have him or are you offering?

I think if take the flip side, are you only doing it so you can get some child care in return?

If she is actually asking the OP to look after her dc, then she is being a cf and the OP needs to stop being such a doormat and say no.

If the OP is inviting the other dc to her house, it's ridiculous to assume that the other mum is using her for childcare - that really isn't how childcare works! She is merely accepting the invitations that are offered. Yes, it would be nice if she would reciprocate, but maybe she can't, or maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she finds the OP's repeated invitations excessive but doesn't want to say no because she thinks it might look rude? Maybe she was has been planning to reciprocate but can't keep up with the OP's expectations about how frequent playdates need to be? Maybe she is just disorganised and hasn't got around to it, or maybe she has other priorities right now?

I stop inviting the child for playdates after they've been to our house 2/3 times and it's not been reciprocated.
I'd then move on to meet-ups in the park etc.
It's a shame for the children but I just don't think it's fair to be the host continuously.

But not everyone has leisurely afternoons free to do these kinds of things and most people are doing their best

This.

You're a SAHM - good for you, but some of us have to bloody well work, it's really difficult to arrange playdates when you're out of the house 8-6 every day and catching up on life stuff/family at the weekend! Have a bit of empathy.

When I was in school, the SAHMs would host the vast majority of school events and play dates. I think that was a big part of the reason why they didn’t work. People who work full time usually won’t have the time to do this. You need to decide if you’re doing this for the kid or to get childcare in exchange.

Is there any reason why she'd be anxious about hosting your DD? My DD has a good friend with (we suspect) ADHD. I do host play dates but they are extremely hard work.

If she's asking you to have him, yes, she's using you for child care. If you're inviting then, no I suspect she keeps thinking "must have him back, but not this week because I have so much work..."

There can be 101 different reasons why. If she's working and knows he can be left in front of the TV to get on for a couple of hours without disturbing her, she may well feel that she can't ask back for a playdate to do that-does he maybe go to dad's at the weekend, so can't do weekends? etc.

I know that with dc1 in reception I had a friend back every week, sometimes twice a week. Dc2 less often, simply because the first hour of any playdate was walking down to the junior school, hanging around and walking back home. For reception aged child who wasn't used to that, they were exhausted before they got home, so I tended to only ask friends who had an older one at juniors whose parent could either bring dc1 home or understood about pick up.
With dc3 I don't think he did a playdate either way in reception because he was exhausted at the end of the day, so I didn't want to inflict him on anyone else, then we still had the walk to juniors and all his friends were first children or went to a childminders after school.

When dc1 was in reception though we did have one child back regularly who never reciprocated. I knew her family situation was very different and never expected it. I hope her mum didn't feel guilty at all as she (and the child) were lovely and I knew in other circumstances she would have.