To think she’s using me as childcare?

[Rainallnight]

I don’t want to talk about this in my friendship group because I’m very anti playground Mum politics. But need to get this off my chest.

DD is in reception and is friendly with a little boy there. We have had him over to our house for a play dates around five times. She has never been invited to his. The mum keeps saying that they must have her back sometime. I am taking a break from work at the moment, and the other mum works full time.

AIBU to think that the other mum is only interested in the childcare?

DH is like this. DD1 has a friend who has been round ours for more than one sleepover (on top of normal after school days). We've taken her to zoos and theme parks for DD1's birthday etc and never received a return invite. He wants to call it a day on this child and expensive days out.

I say we've done these for DD1, and not for the child. A return playdate is not an expectation and there may be many reasons why this is the case. The mother works full time in a very stressful job, the father also works full time. I've been a SAHP/student and now WFH part time and DH does weeks on/weeks off. We have more time.

We like having people over (as long as they're happy with our clean but usually untidy house. We have lots of stuff everywhere. Example. I've just got a load of hama beads but have no-where to tidily store them so compartmented boxes of them are stacked in a corner of the living room, next to my yarn that has no home yet either). Not everyone would invite people in with a less than instagram-worthy show home.

OP - you are not 'owed' a return play date. Do what is best for your child, with that as your only goal.

after five play dates it seems unlikely. She may well not be able to invite you over, (difficult dh or other children, may feel embarrassed about her house in comparison. If your dd likes having him over, and he likes coming, then its ok. If you are being pressured to have him, then make excuses.

My DS has been invited to playdates at others houses and gone but non have been here, our house is our sanctuary away from the outside world I dont even have my own friends over nevermind other peoples children.

Even as a child myself there was nothing but hassle having children over to the house (things went missing/got broke, there was always a falling out at some point, kids wouldnt follow house rules etc...) its litrally my idea of hell to have strange kids in my house and If DS was invited because the family are comfortable with that (many of my friends are super social and love a full house so I know not everyone is like me) I dont feel I owe someone going out of my comfort zone to 'repay' something we never asked for.

Playdates are about the kids spending time together not parental politics of I feel you owe me 'x' because I did 'y' for your kid unexpectedly.

I mean the flipside would be we did a big party for DS every year with the whole class invited (many parents would drop off kids then vanish, some even brought others kids so we where basically babysitting) but most families didnt have parties every year (they either didnt have parties or left my DS out) and I never felt that I paid and hosted their kids so they should 'return the favor' because that would be insane and I view a playdate the same way.

If you are inviting the child then it's on you.

I have been the FT working mum in this scenario and it is awkward. Typically my son would get invited to play dates after school (because the SAHMs understandably wanted to keep their weekends for family time). I'd let him go but in reality it meant I still paid for the unused wraparound care I'd booked for those days AND I'd have to rush home from work to pick up from friend's house a bit earlier - 5.30 was usually requested rather than 6. Then when I reciprocated it could only be at a weekend which was a pain when I was knackered from work and wanting to do something other than look after other people's kids. Son is now secondary and I'm glad those days are over. I have a younger child but thanks to covid play dates aren't happening (teeny hooray from me).

Is having the boy causing any issues? I'm guessing no, if you've invited him 5 times.

Does your DD like having her friend around to play? I guess she does.

So what is the problem. As a SAHP you can facility your child to have friends around to her house to play. The working parent can't as easily. Doing these things that make your daughter's childhood happier is surely one of the many reasons you decided to be a SAHP.

Embrace it, stop looking for offense where none is intended and know your boundaries.

The key bit of information here is whether you are inviting them or if she is asking you.....

If it's the former than the chances are she just hasn't had time to take time off work to facilitate this. If i was to invite a a child round for a playdate I would need to make sure I was off work where as I often collect DS and continue working for a couple of hours.

My group of friends just used to take turns or if I had children twice then they went back next time. It is difficult if you work full time but I do think 5 times is excessive without any invite back? Does depend over what time period though and who is setting the dates plus if its fun for yourchild and youdont mind it isn't a problem. I imagine a lot of people may plan to do something else if their child is at their friends house whether its work or social.

If she works full time, it’s really hard to organise a play date. You can’t do after school, weekends get busy and you need time to yourself too. Plus - inside play dates (if you’re in the U.K.) haven’t been technically allowed lately

If you don’t want to invite the kid over, stop. But don’t seethe about a FT working parent not being able to reciprocate easily

This! Five playdates is hardly using you for childcare, and presumably you invited the child around.

Personally, I'd be pleased to that my child had a friend and be happy to facilitate and build that friendship rather than making it about me by inventing a fiction that I was being taken advantage of.

Do you invite him over? Im not sure how she can have dd over if she works ft, also I presume she still pays for childcare while hes at yours.

It could be anything, you just don’t know.

My dad didn’t like other kids in our house because he didn’t want the bother, noise etc. He was not a great dad, but anyway.

You just do the play dates that you want to or don’t want to and leave this other woman to do what she does or doesn’t want to.

It’s different if she’s asking you to have the child - that is cheeky. But if you’re inviting, you can’t complain really.

I don't think she is using you as childcare unless he is there all day. But she needs to make an effort to invite your child back.

I know loads of mums like this.

They never invite back. What I notice is that they fall into two types.

1)The ones who actually just don't host. Anyone, ever. For whatever reason they don't want/can't be arsed having people over. I'm ok with this, if they make effort in other ways and aren't just using me.

2. the people who never invite me back. These people i quickly stop bothering with. They want to come for a playdate at mine, where they know their kid will get offered a good meal and where the kids won't be parked in front of the tv for two hours. But when they are hosting playdates they are always choosing to invite other people..... yeah, no. Ds has a little buddy who's mum has tried to pull this. I don't invite them any more because mum always vaguely says "you must come to us next time" then invites other children but never mine. No thanks!

@sillysmiles

Is having the boy causing any issues? I'm guessing no, if you've invited him 5 times.

Does your DD like having her friend around to play? I guess she does.

So what is the problem. As a SAHP you can facility your child to have friends around to her house to play. The working parent can't as easily. Doing these things that make your daughter's childhood happier is surely one of the many reasons you decided to be a SAHP.

Embrace it, stop looking for offense where none is intended and know your boundaries.

This!

I've often been the working parent in your position. I've noticed in the sahm crew round these parts there's lots of invites going back and forth and because it's tricky for us to reciprocate DS gets left out. I get in from work around 6ish... School finishes at 3... You have 3 WHOLE HOURS more time in your day to facilitate this kind of stuff. Be gracious and suck it up!

Equally DD has a friend who's mum is a mate of mine, she's a single parent and I know she's on her knees financially. Awake at night worrying about it, so her DD comes with us on holiday, she lovely it makes my dd happy (and more bearable as she's not bored!) and her friend gets a holiday. The mum always gives me cash to cover food etc but I undervalue it deliberately, she's single and struggling we're a lot more fortunate and we're happy to help. Be gracious.

Personally I would not be looking for the return invites to be exactly equal to the ones I had given. It is just nice for DCs to have friends round. That being said, if your DC are not invited back at all, or very rarely indeed, then you have to consider if you are being used. I had one mother who did this quite frequently. One weekend turning up saying she had to go to London urgently and could we look after DC? (she had a bag packed when she turned up. Turns out they she and DH simply had a weekend away booked and had assumed we would look after DC. never once did DC get a return invite as the family was very busy. Next time they asked we said no... sorry we are also busy and have family things to do.

Tbh this is why I tend to hope my kids aren't invited on play dates, I can't reciprocate. Does mean my kids miss out though.

@honeylulu

If you are inviting the child then it's on you.

I have been the FT working mum in this scenario and it is awkward. Typically my son would get invited to play dates after school (because the SAHMs understandably wanted to keep their weekends for family time). I'd let him go but in reality it meant I still paid for the unused wraparound care I'd booked for those days AND I'd have to rush home from work to pick up from friend's house a bit earlier - 5.30 was usually requested rather than 6. Then when I reciprocated it could only be at a weekend which was a pain when I was knackered from work and wanting to do something other than look after other people's kids. Son is now secondary and I'm glad those days are over. I have a younger child but thanks to covid play dates aren't happening (teeny hooray from me).

This! My daughter gets invitations - the last time I reciprocated meant using flexi as the child was only free on a school day, and I had to make my hours up another time. And that’s fine- but I can’t do it that often. My kids in wrap around care till almost six most days, and weekends people have family things, and I’m a single parent so I also try to see my family and get some support from people at the weekend, play dates are never top of my list I’m afraid but I don’t mean anything by it.

And if you continued to invite my child over, without me reciprocating I would assume you were cool with the situation. If she’s the one asking then yes, perhaps it’s a bit cheeky - but if she’s not and you are, then the message she is getting is that this arrangement is fine.

Don’t really understand where the reference to childcare comes from? It’s a play date not a regular commitment!
She’s doesn’t like you/your kid/hosting... who knows?! It’s not about childcare.

You need to provide more info op. I wouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that you're being used. I would have thought that the mum is struggling to fit it in or is embarrassed about her house, has stuff going on etc.
Also does it really matter if your child is happy? The other option is to stop and then your child misses out. Maybe just be nice as it isn't hurting you and your child is benefitting. Does it have to be about what is "fair" rather than what works?

With no questions being answered by the OP, it's difficult to know. But as a working parent it is unlikely she uses 5 playdates over however long as childcare. Her reasons for not reciprocating could be varied.

I host other kids way more than DD goes to other folks' houses. There are lots of reasons for that and I have no problem with it whatsoever. I always make it clear that I don't expect the parents to reciprocate and they are fine with that too. Except for one parent who every time bleated on about having DD over. They live just over the back so it's not exactly problematic. The only time I asked if DD could go over was when OH was in hospital and I needed to go and visit him. She said it would be fine, send her over for the day, don't worry about it. Then the morning she was supposed to go over, I got a response that she had been out the night before and could DD come over just for the afternoon. I was pretty pissed off at that. Why keep saying they felt bad their girl was here all the time and they really should blah blah blah, if they had no intention of actually doing it?

It all depends whether you invite the kid over or if she wrangles an invite out of you.

If the invites come from you, she's not using you , she's just saying yes to your offer.

You invited him. Unless she requested that you invite him, or manipulated you into it, she's not using you. You can invite him again because your dd enjoys playing with him, or not, up to you.

There's no obligation to reciprocate. Some families can, some can't.

Same as with birthday parties. Some DCs always have parties, some never do but you invite your DCs' friends regardless of 'reciprocation', because they're your DCs' friends and the point of he party is your DCs' enjoyment.

We've had children over to play and not had an invitation back, I think. It's not something I keep track of. It's my child's social life, not mine. It's not childcare, they enjoy having friends over to play and I'm happy to facilitate that. I think learning to be a good host is important. Besides, it's not particularly difficult, we have a large house and garden and plenty of toys so I just leave them to it. Just means bunging an extra few fish fingers under the grill at tea time. I don't get the angst here. If she was asking you for childcare and it wasn't a child that yours is particularly friendly with, or was somehow inconveniencing you, then that would a different matter.

Are you coming back or was this just an attempt to pit SAHM and WOHM against each other?

I’m another one who agrees with @honeylulu

Getting a child from a play date meant some disruption to my working day ( earlier finish), and I’d still have another child to collect from wrap around too. It is hard but you do it because it is good for the kids socialisation and developing friendships. I did have an early finish on Fridays so we could reciprocate, but even that wasn’t always possible, because sometimes you need to dash your child of to the dentist or hairdresser or whatever other job needed doing. School holidays also need to be planned so childcare is covered too. I’d try to reciprocate but it does indeed take planning.