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Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
BraxtonChic · 12/05/2021 23:46

@stressfuljune

For a huge number of people I know they do see it as a year off. The ones that don't enjoy it go back to work - sometimes earlier than planned! Yes it's not all a holiday but it's time you can spend how you choose
spend how you choose

Don't think those are the words I'd use to describe the first year with a baby tbh.

My top choices for a "year off" would probably involve travelling, sleeping for as long as I wanted, eating, drinking and showering when I wanted, maybe doing a bit of creative writing or crafts, a tonne of yoga, and lots of swimming in the sea.

Don't remember any of that during mat leave Hmm

SarahAndQuack · 12/05/2021 23:47

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

Humour combined with withering scorn.

Or just poke them in the eye with a fork.

This.

Or reverse it on them. 'Oh, you guys are the ones who had it east! What with the pandemic you guys must have been out sunbathing most of 2020, right? So did you all get to have massive lie-ins while working from home? God, it was a nightmare for me, labour was agony, wish I'd stuck around for the big "year off" eh?'.

Biffsboys · 12/05/2021 23:48

Similar to people saying oh your so lucky you only work half a week - yeah and I only get half a wage at end of month 🙄

Rosewood017 · 12/05/2021 23:48

I agree with PP to say it's nice to come back for a break from all the hard work of parenting!

There was a debate on Loose Women a couple of years back where women who didn't want kids thought they should be entitled to 'Me-ternity leave' to take time off to travel or pursue goals, general personal time.

I disagreed with that concept. I think if they were taking a year off to care for another human full time then fair enough, but not for an extended jolly-up.

leeds2glasgow · 12/05/2021 23:48

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason
Yup. You did have a year off work?
leeds2glasgow · 12/05/2021 23:50

@TurquoiseKiss

Thanks for the responses. Maybe I am being a snowflake about it, I think it’s the lack of the term “leave” that annoys me when people talk about it. As in, it gets my back up to hear “this happened while you took a year off” rather than “this happened during your maternity leave”.
But you did have a year off!!!
SarahAndQuack · 12/05/2021 23:50

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason
She didn't have a year off work? She had a baby.
BlackCatShadow · 12/05/2021 23:51

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I'm gonna g against the grain and say go for it. This kind of low level sexism needs to stop and it doesn't stop if we don't challenge it
I agree with this! I don’t think you’re being a snowflake at all. This attitude towards women is really crap. Even look at the responses you’ve had here. It’s sad that working mothers aren’t more respected.
Fixitup2 · 12/05/2021 23:51

But you did have a year off work.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2021 23:52

I wish I could take a year off the obvious answer is "well have a baby then" but you probably want to be sure you aren't saying it to someone who can't for medical not age reasons but perhaps a variation? "Oh if i'd known you wanted a year off, I'd have shared leave with you and you could have done the nights"
what did you get up to? Any nice trips? had a baby, crap birth experience, lockdown. How about you?
you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” ah sleep deprivation obviously suits me but yes, baby Emma is much better company altho she does poo herself a lot more than anyone here

Some people will only ever see it as a year sat on your bum doing nothing. Ultimately there's little you'll do to change their mind

leeds2glasgow · 12/05/2021 23:53

No matter what way you look at it, you had a year off work. No one is saying maternity leave is easy but you chose that. And people probably had to pick up your stuff. You're being too sensitive. And a bit ridiculous.

SarahAndQuack · 12/05/2021 23:54

How did she have a year off work? Confused

If the OP had resigned from her job and taken on a post as a childminder (caring for one child under one, which is the limit for that age range), then we'd all accept she had been doing work.

Why is it that it doesn't count as work in this situation? Either the OP needs to do that work herself, or she needs to pay someone else to do it - but it has to be done. It is work. Therefore her time spend doing that is not 'a year off work'.

leeds2glasgow · 12/05/2021 23:54

@SleepingStandingUp

I wish I could take a year off the obvious answer is "well have a baby then" but you probably want to be sure you aren't saying it to someone who can't for medical not age reasons but perhaps a variation? "Oh if i'd known you wanted a year off, I'd have shared leave with you and you could have done the nights" what did you get up to? Any nice trips? had a baby, crap birth experience, lockdown. How about you? you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” ah sleep deprivation obviously suits me but yes, baby Emma is much better company altho she does poo herself a lot more than anyone here

Some people will only ever see it as a year sat on your bum doing nothing. Ultimately there's little you'll do to change their mind

No one has said she's had a year off of life, just a year off of work. There's a difference.
leeds2glasgow · 12/05/2021 23:55

@SarahAndQuack

How did she have a year off work? Confused

If the OP had resigned from her job and taken on a post as a childminder (caring for one child under one, which is the limit for that age range), then we'd all accept she had been doing work.

Why is it that it doesn't count as work in this situation? Either the OP needs to do that work herself, or she needs to pay someone else to do it - but it has to be done. It is work. Therefore her time spend doing that is not 'a year off work'.

Ffs. It's not the same at all. Not even close.
Mehoooole · 12/05/2021 23:57

You have had a year off work. Don't be acting like what you were doing benefited anybody in work. You could be arsey about it or you could say 'yes, it was quite nice not having to do (insert the worst aspect of your job) for a whole year.' Or tell them you didn't enjoy maternity leave and are glad to be back but don't try to say you didn't have a year off work.

CounsellorTroi · 12/05/2021 23:58

You've had a year out of the workplace for a reason of your own choosing.

MythsandSparkles · 12/05/2021 23:59

@BraxtonChic it won’t let me quote you for some reason.

But on the assumption you chose to have a baby...you then chose how you were going to spend that year no?

I mean, there might be a million things you would rather have been doing, but in choosing to have a baby you choose to commit the time after surely?

In regards to the OP, honestly just smile and ignore, no one cares, as far as your colleagues are concerned you’ve voluntarily taken a year out of the workforce so yeah, you’ve had a year off work.

Unless they’re complete dicks they’re not denigrating the effort you’ve put in at home to raise your baby.

HalzTangz · 13/05/2021 00:00

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason
Exactly this, it was a years break from the paid job, and that's what the colleagues are referring to. I'm sure some have kids themselves and know how hard raising kids is
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 13/05/2021 00:01

Oh good lord I'm glad to be back for a rest. It the first time I've drunk a warm cup of tea in a year. Right what did I miss.

OnlyInYourDreams · 13/05/2021 00:01

Having a baby isn’t work. It’s a choice. Yes there can be some difficult aspects to the first year of parenting but those are aspects which everyone chooses when they have a baby.

All this talk of how terrible sleepless nights were and bf and changing nappies is just a ploy for sympathy.

And let’s be honest, if the OP had wanted to go away during a maternity leave outside the pandemic then she could do so whenever she wanted to without having to ask for time off etc.

They could take a family holiday at any point, and while it’s not a pursuit I would choose during the 1st year, you could, and you wouldn’t be answerable to anyone.

Having a baby isn’t the same kind of effort as doing a job.

And I speak as someone who took a year’s maternity leave followed by a 2 year career break, and then left.

Rookw · 13/05/2021 00:02

Maybe it depends on what job you do? And how much you like it? Or how stressful your job is? —or how annoying your kids are— but I’ve had 4 kids and 3 of them are allergic to sleep and maternity leave has felt like a break every time. Better pottering around at home with the kids on no sleep, then a stressful job with late nights and early starts on no sleep 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stichintime · 13/05/2021 00:02

You did have a year 'off' because you were **off work. Doesn't matter what you were doing, it is still a year off. Think your reading too much into the words used.

Rachie1973 · 13/05/2021 00:03

I don’t think it means any harm.

I got a newborn in September, I’d have killed for a week off lol.

My granddaughter was delivered to me at 3 days old due to feckless parents. I foster her now, and fostering doesn’t get any parental leave :(

ThinWomansBrain · 13/05/2021 00:03

what are your colleagues supposed to do?
Make no reference to the fact you've not been in the workplace for a year?
Ask if you've had a horrible year off?

Babyroobs · 13/05/2021 00:05

@HopeClearwater

Did you have a baby for anyone’s good except your own?

Laugh along and say, “yeah it was great, aren’t we lucky to live in a country where maternity leave is a thing?”

Yep. I had my first ds in a country where there was no maternity pay. I went back to work when he was 4 months old, despite the fact he was born 6 weeks prem. Used to bf him in my tea breaks.