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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
BraxtonChic · 13/05/2021 00:25

Of course caring for children is work. As are all domestic chores. May not be exchanged for pay, but it's labour all the same.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:25

American-style model where you get a couple of weeks

US federal law has ZERO paid maternity leave. Women there use their sick days, if they have any. If not, they get unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks under the FMLA, but who can afford that?

CarolineForbes · 13/05/2021 00:25

I’ve had male colleagues take shared parental leave and I consider them to have had a time off work too- because they were off work.

And I don’t think you can compare to professional child carers. They have to go on courses, have a certain set up at home that’s open to inspection, deal with multiple children and parents, keep records and paperwork to set standards they’re audited on and do accounts and taxes as they’re self employed. That isn’t the same as looking after your own child!

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:26

[quote TurquoiseKiss]@leeds2glasgow I posted a request for advice on MUMSnet, after 50+ responses I added to the thread to say this is what I’m taking away from all the helpful replies.

I’m moaning am I?[/quote]
You asked if you were being a snowflake, the majority have said yes 🤷‍♀️ you were off work!!! Deal with it!!

TicTacHoh · 13/05/2021 00:26

I saw it as a year off...it’s the only thing that would really tempt me to try for number 3...

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:27

@Sakari

Wow, sexism is alive and well on mumsnet. I'm stunned at the lack of support for the op who is not being a snowflake in the slightest.

Maternity leave is a common good and unless you'd prefer we revert to an American-style model where you get a couple of weeks then combating negative attitudes which view mat leave as some kind of drain on society and GDP is key.

No one is saying that!! All anyone is saying is she wasn't at her place of work!! No one is suggesting she's been in a jolly abs sat watching Netflix. But she has been off work. How is that so hard to understand?!
SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:28

But she hasn't been off work. How is that so hard to understand?

Original poster
TurquoiseKiss · 13/05/2021 00:29

@leeds2glasgow I have never asked if I was being a snowflake.

You sound like a treat.

OP posts:
leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:30

Op:Aibu?
Everyone: yes
op: stamps feet

I give up.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:30

@Sakari

Wow, sexism is alive and well on mumsnet. I'm stunned at the lack of support for the op who is not being a snowflake in the slightest.

Maternity leave is a common good and unless you'd prefer we revert to an American-style model where you get a couple of weeks then combating negative attitudes which view mat leave as some kind of drain on society and GDP is key.

Well since I would respond the same way to a man having 1 year paternity leave, and then moaning about their colleagues welcome back comments, then there is no sexism on my part.
SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:33

@leeds2glasgow

Op:Aibu? Everyone: yes op: stamps feet

I give up.

Or alternatively:

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Erm ... we all seem to disagree ...
OP: Ok, sorry, I guess I was BU, I'll definitely listen to what was said.
One Random wanker: WAH WAH, YOU DIDN'T BEHAVE ENOUGH LIKE A SNOWFLAKE, HOW DARE YOU, I WANTED TO SLAP YOU DOWN AND NOW I CAN'T! UNFAIR!

ArcheryAnnie · 13/05/2021 00:34

@SarahAndQuack

How did she have a year off work? Confused

If the OP had resigned from her job and taken on a post as a childminder (caring for one child under one, which is the limit for that age range), then we'd all accept she had been doing work.

Why is it that it doesn't count as work in this situation? Either the OP needs to do that work herself, or she needs to pay someone else to do it - but it has to be done. It is work. Therefore her time spend doing that is not 'a year off work'.

This is a very near explanation, thank you.

I'd say something, too. I am used to long working hours and endless hard work, but nothing prepared me for that first year of no sleep while trying to recover from major abdominal surgery. Pisses me off no end that people might describe it as "time off work".

Pyewackect · 13/05/2021 00:36

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason
Pretty much
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/05/2021 00:42

Id have died for a year off. As a single mum in the 198os I was entitled to 6 weeks off maximum and so went back to work full time as a nurse when my son was 4 weeks old. Thank God he was a good baby. I think you are being g very precious. Being a mum is hardly that much like hard work.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/05/2021 00:45

But for some people (myself included) it IS a holiday! No way was looking after newborn DS on a par with how difficult and stressful my job at the time was.

I did laze around watching tv, sitting in a local cafe eating cake, reading books, walks in the park/on the beach and we went on several long weekends away. I even went on a hen party abroad Confused

Couldn't do all that if I was also working as a childminder........ so no, those two things are not even remotely comparable.

But I do agree that people shouldn't just assume that everyone has an easy maternity leave.

Changechangychange · 13/05/2021 00:45

I had a lovely time on my maternity leave. With no commute and no shift work, I finally did loads of things I had wanted to do for ages - jobs around the house, trips to museums, hikes, etc. Read plenty of books. Obviously all with DS, but he seemed to enjoy it all.

I would love another maternity leave!

Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2021 00:47

To me it was a holiday.

I slept more and was more rested on my first maternity leave, than in my hectic job before. And no, I didn't have an amazing sleeper. Baby 2 was different because I breastfed, and she slept worse, and or toddler also was still showing badly. Still much easier than work though.

Pre pandemic, my first maternity leave was spent:

  • visiting friends and having long lunches. Later when the babies got older, shorter lunches and soft play.
  • going to baby classes and then going for coffee afterwards.
  • holidays and weekends away to see friends.
  • tidying and sorting the house for once.
  • playing and cuddling
  • napping

The second was considerably harder because of having a much more demanding little person to look after too - the toddler. Fun though :-)

I appreciate everyone's experiences are different, but some of us do think of it as a year off. Tbh, in comparison with balancing toddlers and work (especially when their sleep is worse than as a newborn), maternity leave (first time round) was relaxing.

SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:50

@FrangipaniBlue

But for some people (myself included) it IS a holiday! No way was looking after newborn DS on a par with how difficult and stressful my job at the time was.

I did laze around watching tv, sitting in a local cafe eating cake, reading books, walks in the park/on the beach and we went on several long weekends away. I even went on a hen party abroad Confused

Couldn't do all that if I was also working as a childminder........ so no, those two things are not even remotely comparable.

But I do agree that people shouldn't just assume that everyone has an easy maternity leave.

That's not the point, though?

Sure, for you it was lovely. But you clearly had the money to go on weekends away and hen parties, so we can't count those. As to enjoying it - sure, but then, I've done jobs I loved, which involved things other people pay to do. That doesn't mean they weren't work.

MaverickDanger · 13/05/2021 00:57

These pre-pandemic maternity leaves are a world away from maternity leave in the last year.

All of the nice little perks of mat leave (meeting up with friends, baby classes, coffee & cake, little trips) were completely out the window, so I imagine it’s pretty much been a year of sitting at home trying to raise a child pretty much in isolation.

Much harder work than normal.

SkedaddIe · 13/05/2021 01:00

This thread is a parent pity party

EmeraldShamrock · 13/05/2021 01:03

US federal law has ZERO paid maternity leave. Women there use their sick days, if they have any. If not, they get unpaid leave of up to 12 weeks under the FMLA, but who can afford that?
That is shocking for the women in the US.

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 01:07

@MaverickDanger

These pre-pandemic maternity leaves are a world away from maternity leave in the last year.

All of the nice little perks of mat leave (meeting up with friends, baby classes, coffee & cake, little trips) were completely out the window, so I imagine it’s pretty much been a year of sitting at home trying to raise a child pretty much in isolation.

Much harder work than normal.

But is not her paid employment. Ffs. It's literally time off on leave.
Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2021 01:08

@MaverickDanger

*All of the nice little perks of mat leave (meeting up with friends, baby classes, coffee & cake, little trips) were completely out the window, so I imagine it’s pretty much been a year of sitting at home trying to raise a child pretty much in isolation.

Much harder work than normal.*

Kind of like the rest of parenting this past year. People trying to work effort simultaneously caring for toddlers, homeschooling, dealing with your children's frustration and boredom.

A first maternity leave during Covid must have been boring and lonely, but at least she wasn't trying to simultaneously work etc. And it's just mums boredom, bit managing the boredom of the child also.

Everyone's year has been harder.

Asherline · 13/05/2021 01:11

That's only like asking any mum how her weekend off was? Meaning away from work. You don't have a 10 year old and get all Arsy that you never have a weekend off as you have a child. You know what they mean. And even getting maternity leave is actually a luxuary that so many women never get.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 01:13

Tbh, in comparison with balancing toddlers and work (especially when their sleep is worse than as a newborn), maternity leave (first time round) was relaxing.

I was thinking that too. At one point I had 4 under age 7, while working FT and that was a three ring circus of being an exhausted zombie. From when they were 10-11 weeks old, I was juggling FT work plus caring for them. Having an entire year at home with just one baby while drawing pay would have been much much easier!