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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
Namechangeme1 · 13/05/2021 04:31

But it is a holiday. You didn't have to take so long off work.

I know many women who have babies to take advantage of maternity leave!!

So YABU,

RainingZen · 13/05/2021 04:38

It is a year off. And I know women who took their baby away - one went to India to see family for 5 months, one went backpacking. It's not unusual for people to go on trips.

I'd just point out things for you were disappointing due to covid and it was hard raising a baby without seeing friends or family

Chunkymenrock · 13/05/2021 04:39

I'd say, no it wasn't a year off at all. I've been looking after a baby

Kidson · 13/05/2021 04:39

It is time off. You’d have time off for hip surgery, time off for bereavement etc. Time off doesn’t mean living it up in Dubai. People make polite chat in the workplace, it’s usually light and the kind you don’t have to put that much thought into. So yeah, maybe a bit thoughtless but I wouldn’t worry about the wording.

BarbaraofSeville · 13/05/2021 04:43

@Takemetothebar

You did have a year off work. No one is saying it was a breeze doing FA, but you did choose it, and not once did anyone insist you turn in x report bang on time, deal with Z complaint or join an agile ways of working stand up scrum session. Or whatever your paid employment job is.

You chose to have a child, you chose to be at home with said child for a year, you chose that. So you did indeed have a year off to spend in a manner that you chose.

^ This. The OP has had a year's break from 'turn in x report bang on time, deal with Z complaint or join an agile ways of working stand up scrum session' while her colleagues have had to do all this, often all at the same time, no OR about it, and^ in all likelihood take on @turquoiseKiss work in addition to their own.
LaBellina · 13/05/2021 04:43

It’s every day sexism and no that’s not acceptable regardless of how common it might be. If men could bear children these jokes probably wouldn’t be made and everyone would be in awe of their ‘horrifying experience’ of pushing a little human out of their private parts and all the hard work of having a little baby. You are NOT unreasonable to be annoyed OP.

countrygirl99 · 13/05/2021 05:00

Don't forget your colleagues mayhap had a crazy year too. Likely the pandemic has caused massive changes snd uncertainty. Maybe, like me, it's meant a huge workload. If they have been in the office they will have worried about catching covid there and taking it home. If they have been at home they may have struggled fitting it in with domestic life. Some will have struggled with home schooling or elderly care. Alongside all that some may not have been able to visit loved ones in hospital or care homes. They may envy you having dodged that turmoil.

Nothingyet · 13/05/2021 05:07

@katy1213

You've had a year off; they've possibly had to pick up some of your work for no extra pay. They sound perfectly nice people who are welcoming you back - but nobody cares about your five traumatic nights or your lack of sleep or your tiny person because that was your choice. Spare them the details.
Quite. I might have had a year off, but I had 5 traumatic nights in hospital don't forget!
Marchitectmummy · 13/05/2021 05:08

Goodness, your colleagues are making light welcome back conversation with you, they really won't be wanting tbe details of parenting from you. Can't you just answer 'I had a lovely year off thank you" and move on.

It really isn't special or heroic to have your own child and spend the year with it. You choose to have a child, reap the benefits of having thst child and yet seem to want sympathy from your colleagues and appreciation for it.

Read this thread when you have your next child pretty sure you will cringe at your posts.

sunshinesontv · 13/05/2021 05:09

They don't care what your year was like really, because they've had their own really crap year to contend with.

They're just making small talk. All of the examples you quote are perfectly normal responses to someone returning to the workplace after a year, regardless of reason.

Many of those asking will be mothers themselves and know exactly what it was like. I have had four and have a good idea of what it was like. There are parts that are hard work and gruelling, and parts that are lovely. I know I felt fortunate to be able to spend a whole year at home with each of my children.

sunshinesontv · 13/05/2021 05:13

A normal response would be 'yes, had a lovely year at home with my baby thank you.' Because it was lovely wasnt it? On balance, all things considered, it was a really special time in your life? Presume you'd have gone back to work earlier if you preferred work.

mamamalt · 13/05/2021 05:21

The comments here are so sad. This is a womens site predominantly, where women, mothers and parents can support each other and yet any chance some get they just want to tear someone down. Think I'll delete the app for now. I genuinely feel sad that some people couldn't just empathise with someone who has just had maternity leave and new baby in the middle of a pandemic. I'm not saying agree with them, just empathise.... 😓

sunshinesontv · 13/05/2021 05:27

@mamamalt

The comments here are so sad. This is a womens site predominantly, where women, mothers and parents can support each other and yet any chance some get they just want to tear someone down. Think I'll delete the app for now. I genuinely feel sad that some people couldn't just empathise with someone who has just had maternity leave and new baby in the middle of a pandemic. I'm not saying agree with them, just empathise.... 😓
A different style of post would have elicited a different response I think. Plenty here who can sympathise with the hard work of giving birth and caring for a young baby, or the mixed emotions of returning to work. Weird that op's top concern is coworkers not acknowledging her sacrifice imo and instead assuming, possibly due to their own personal experiences, that she's enjoyed her year at home.
FlakeorTwirl · 13/05/2021 05:28

The OP clearly says "the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!"
If these comments were made by juniors trying to climb the ladder who don't have children and I was offended by their tone/genuinely thought they were being passive aggressive, then I might consider saying something dry back along the lines of "you clearly don't have kids do you, haha!"

sunshinesontv · 13/05/2021 05:35

Well if they haven't got dc of their own, then you can't really expect them to understand what looking after a baby is like can you?

Before I had kids I probably had a rather rose-tinted view of motherhood too.

I don't know. I just always try to assume the best of people. I'd assume chatty small talk from people trying to sound interested over any sort of unkindness.

Cassilis · 13/05/2021 05:35

“my maternity leave period was great, thanks for asking, incredibly grateful for my baby son. Parts of raising a child for the first time are challenging, especially in a pandemic. It’s a hard job but the best job! Glad to be back to work however!” End with BIG SMILE!

This is quite insensitive, maybe they can’t have kids? Sounds like you want them to think you have a new status as a mother.

sunshinesontv · 13/05/2021 05:40

"I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work”

I honestly don't see what is wrong with any of op's examples.

People who've had kids know what it was like and don't need it explaining.

People who haven't had kids probably don't know what it was like, and won't unless they go on to experience it for themselves, but so what?

rwalker · 13/05/2021 05:46

You've have had a year off/away from the workplace . Chances are a few will have kids and know whats involved .
I think your being oversensitive would you of been happier if they just ignore you .

In every job I've had when someone goes on maternity leave it always has had an impact on the people at work. As in having to train people ,take on more work , put up with useless people who don't care as there only there temporary and supporting new staff .
chances are they aren't remotely interested just making conversation .

georgarina · 13/05/2021 05:47

I definitely see where you're coming from OP.

I'd just lightheartedly say, 'If you compare the two, this is more of a break!' and roll your eyes at the 'year off' comments like 'yeah sure!'

For me personally work is much easier day to day than childcare, which is totally exhausting and overwhelming - and I work a demanding job. It was a relief to get back into the office.

Chocolatebiscuitcollection · 13/05/2021 05:51

I'm laughing at some of the po-faced comments on here.

Surely it's not beyond you to come back with a tongue in cheek comment about how much you enjoyed all the lock down spa days, lunches out and general dossing about you've been doing and how you would recommend it to anyone! They know you birthed a baby.

OP has been very busy this past year, probably the busiest and most challenging year of her life. But she has not been working. She has been away from work, not doing her job, not working. If she had resigned and done any other kind of work whilst also looking after her baby then she would have been working. But she didn't. So she was off work/not working.

georgarina · 13/05/2021 05:52

*I also think it's definitely something that should be challenged. It goes along with other toxic workplace phenomena, like seeing people with children going home on time as skiving, judging people for having children, pushing people out while on maternity leave, etc.

camelfinger · 13/05/2021 05:56

When I had my “year off” a lot of the older workers and people without children thought I was off on full pay for a year. There was some jealousy from a colleague who felt that women these days get things much easier. I did have to point out her superior pension payments.
My employer chose to backfill my post with an expensive, ineffective (male) contractor. So he probably benefited most from my leave.

KarensChoppyBob · 13/05/2021 05:59

YANBU OP.

Some strangely hostile responses here. Wonder why? Must be some serious underlying issues.

So glad I don't work with any of them. Actually maybe I do!?

Fuck.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 13/05/2021 06:00

@SarahAndQuack

But she hasn't been off work. How is that so hard to understand?
You're really going on about this and making yourself look silly. OP had a year where she didn't do any work related to her job. Her paid employment is what is commonly referred to as her 'job'. Running a home and looking after children and everything that entails is not paid employment. It is in addition to your paid job. I'm really struggling to understand how you seem to believe that having a year at home, away from any obligations of paid employment to raise a baby is exactly the same as going into work every every day. OP had a year off work. She may be fulfilling different roles at home during that year but it's not work. It's parenting. Your comments about if she was a childminder are just bizarre. Believing that parenting your own children should be a paid job is a very slippery slope.
drpet49 · 13/05/2021 06:01

Talk about precious. Your colleagues were just making small talk Hmm