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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 13/05/2021 01:20

Are you the only person at your work who has a baby?

Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2021 01:23

@PlanDeRaccordement

Ooh gosh yes...

I remember days with my second where for whatever reason my eldest wasn't there (out for the day with grandparents etc) and it felt blissfully relaxing, like an actual day off with just one baby. I think it's only something that you only notice when your have more though.

You probably think that 2 small ones sounds easy if your usual was 4 😂

Ooh I miss that first maternity leave though (ok, I went back part time at 3m as self employed, but I was still home most of the time and it felt still like a break).

TaraR2020 · 13/05/2021 01:27

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I'm gonna g against the grain and say go for it. This kind of low level sexism needs to stop and it doesn't stop if we don't challenge it
Agreed, take no prisoners.
Frezia · 13/05/2021 01:35

Christ the comments here are depressing. I've had the same comments from coworkers, OP, and I know the passive aggressive tone. I get your point, it's not about whether or not you were technically off work but the implication that you had a nice bit of me time while others were doing actual work.

Most people saying stuff like that are genuinely clueless and won't understand unless they have that experience (I didn't get it either before I had a baby). Some are baiting so they could gossip about you being a martyr or a snowflake after you try to explain. So I mostly ignored it.

Motherhood and maternity leave are highly individual experiences. So what if it was a jolly for some people? Good for them. Doesn't make you a snowflake if it wasn't like that for you.

1forAll74 · 13/05/2021 01:37

I didn't get to have maternity leave way back in the1980's. I just stopped work.My late Husband didn't get to have Paternity leave either. When our second child ,a daughter,was born,My husband delivered her on the back seat of our car, he went straight back to work the next day..

castemary · 13/05/2021 01:39

If you work with any older woman with kids, they probably had only three months maternity leave or if a bit younger six months maternity leave.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/05/2021 01:42

My kid is an older teenager, castemary, and I only had three months maternity leave. I am glad younger mothers are having more. They are still working, though.

castemary · 13/05/2021 01:47

@archeryannie I am glad younger mothers get more maternity leave.
Not all mothers take their full maternity leave, but older mothers had no choice. That was how long maternity leave was.
It also depends on your job and your baby. For some mothers being at home with a baby is much nicer than being at work.

castemary · 13/05/2021 01:49

So for example the middle-class mums on here tend to talk about how when they went back to work they could sit at a desk and drink coffee in peace.
I was working on a factory line and couldn't even sit down until my break never mind having a coffee. So yes, unless you had a very difficult high needs baby, maternity leave was a break.

Asherline · 13/05/2021 01:50

@Frezia the same people would judge women back at work for not being at home with their kids. It's pointless trying to justify or please everyone you lose whatever you do that way. Whatever time you get is yours the point is learning not to be bothered what people think. All people at work see if your not at work it's not being mean. And it doesn't have to be a competition to prove how hard being a parent is.

castemary · 13/05/2021 01:52

Everyone has to do what is best for them, Truthfully most people at work don't really care if you have a baby, stay at home or come back to work. They might care if it means they have to do more work, but beyond that most people are too busy with their own lives and worries.

girlsallowed21 · 13/05/2021 01:56

@julachu

Some of these comments are just wow... It's kind of ironic that Mumsnet basically hates mums Hmm
I'm surprised at the amount of casual resentment from a lot of people on here. If OP didn't spend that year looking after her newborn, someone else would have to be paid to do it.

Yes it's a choice to have a child, but that's life. Some of you actually sound bitter about the fact that she had a baby in the first place 😳🙄

Saltyslug · 13/05/2021 02:00

Just make a bit of a joke out of it. ‘Lucky to have a year with baby, unlucky to have a year of nappies and sleepless nights’

HelgaDownUnder · 13/05/2021 02:03

Ahh, office chitchat. The lowest form of conversational life.

urely some of them are parents and know what's involved?

I remember some crusty old male lawyer welcoming a receptionist on being from her 'nice relaxing break' (maternity leave) and someone pointed out that it's leave from work, but not a holiday. She had only taken four months too.

Other than that, maybe just say you enjoyed bonding with your baby, but since the whole world has been in lockdown the past 14 months you haven't really had much of a chance to do anything else.

silentpool · 13/05/2021 02:13

OP, this inane commentary in the workplace is what internal eye rolls were made for. All of us put up with our colleagues and their "funny' jokes, so ignore them and rise above.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2021 02:25

@PlanDeRaccordement

Tbh, in comparison with balancing toddlers and work (especially when their sleep is worse than as a newborn), maternity leave (first time round) was relaxing.

I was thinking that too. At one point I had 4 under age 7, while working FT and that was a three ring circus of being an exhausted zombie. From when they were 10-11 weeks old, I was juggling FT work plus caring for them. Having an entire year at home with just one baby while drawing pay would have been much much easier!

It is in hindsight. But it’s not at the time. I remember clearly with my first that I didn’t know how to put him down. It didn’t seem ok to put him down and go do something unless he was completely happy with it. So I really struggled to do anything. It was very hard. Obviously would not have been hard doing it again (except the no sleep that would not be easier ever) but that doesn’t mean it’s not very difficult at the time!!
btchymcbtchfce · 13/05/2021 03:02

You can't because it is a year off. A year off where you are busy, yes, but still a year off doing what you have chosen to do.

Eminybob · 13/05/2021 03:03

Wait until you’ve been back at work a while, and realise you’re now doing all the baby related stuff and holding down a job. Then the last year really will feel like a holiday GrinWink

Diddumz · 13/05/2021 03:13

People at work asked me if I'd had "a nice break" after I returned following a miscarriage.

Topseyt · 13/05/2021 03:21

I'd rephrase it.

It is a year out of the workplace but it certainly isn't a year's holiday.

PerveenMistry · 13/05/2021 03:24

@fairynick

Well surely it was nice to have a year off work? They have a point, you’re being arsey for no reason

This.

It IS a year off and at others' expense, due to nothing more than your own personal lifestyle choices.

PerveenMistry · 13/05/2021 03:25

@Eminybob

Wait until you’ve been back at work a while, and realise you’re now doing all the baby related stuff and holding down a job. Then the last year really will feel like a holiday GrinWink

LOL, too true.

HoppingPavlova · 13/05/2021 03:41

Some people. It was a year away, not "off". She was doing something else, it is low level sexism.

Rubbish. I’m a mum. I work. I’ve always worked. Never ‘lucky’ enough to get a year off due to nature of the job, registration requirements etc. But yes, I took some time off at points to have kids. It was time away AND time off - not sure why you think this is not the case? It’s got nothing to do with sexism, it’s just what it is. I’m also staggered that people can be so disturbed about colleagues referencing ‘while you were away/time off’ etc.

I was always glad for myself and any colleagues who had ‘time off’, while having a baby and looking after one involves physical and emotional effort it’s not in the same ballpark as the physical and emotional effort required for work. Work provided far more sleep deprivation than that due to my kids. I also say that as the parent of some with SN, including one that was hospitalised for several months after birth (so longest I had ‘off’) and very sick. Even then I only had to worry about one sick child and they were my own, so much easier Grin.

Ajl46 · 13/05/2021 04:18

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Id have died for a year off. As a single mum in the 198os I was entitled to 6 weeks off maximum and so went back to work full time as a nurse when my son was 4 weeks old. Thank God he was a good baby. I think you are being g very precious. Being a mum is hardly that much like hard work.
I'm just returning to work now after a year of maternity leave (which involved major abdominal surgery, 7 months of being tied to a breast pump for 20 mins every 4 hours & a baby that fought sleep with every fibre of her being). Maternity leave was the hardest (but most rewarding) work I've ever done. I've come back to my (demanding, full time) job for a rest!
lavenderandwisteria · 13/05/2021 04:23

I’m not sure why people are getting irate that women are now entitled to a year on maternity leave.

It is about phrasing.

It would be possible to say, for example ‘did you have a good time sat on your arse stuffing your face’ but as well as being extremely rude it suggests laziness.

‘Did you get a chance to chill on your lunch break?’ is a bit politer as well as being accurate.

Maternity leave is a hard win battle and it isn’t a year off.