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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
Takemetothebar · 13/05/2021 00:05

You did have a year off work. No one is saying it was a breeze doing FA, but you did choose it, and not once did anyone insist you turn in x report bang on time, deal with Z complaint or join an agile ways of working stand up scrum session. Or whatever your paid employment job is.

You chose to have a child, you chose to be at home with said child for a year, you chose that. So you did indeed have a year off to spend in a manner that you chose.

Carbara · 13/05/2021 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BadLad · 13/05/2021 00:07

[quote MythsandSparkles]@BraxtonChic it won’t let me quote you for some reason.

But on the assumption you chose to have a baby...you then chose how you were going to spend that year no?

I mean, there might be a million things you would rather have been doing, but in choosing to have a baby you choose to commit the time after surely?

In regards to the OP, honestly just smile and ignore, no one cares, as far as your colleagues are concerned you’ve voluntarily taken a year out of the workforce so yeah, you’ve had a year off work.

Unless they’re complete dicks they’re not denigrating the effort you’ve put in at home to raise your baby.[/quote]
The reason is that you can't quite posts which already contain a quote.

PlanDeRaccordement · 13/05/2021 00:07

I got the same OP and I was only gone 12 weeks, to your 12 months.
It is time off work, so I think you’re being a bit too sensitive.
Also, what are they supposed to say? Must be horrible having a baby, don’t know why you bothered? Of course they’re going to be positive and say it must be nice to have a whole entire year with your baby. It was nice overall right?

SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:09

Ffs. It's not the same at all. Not even close.

How so, then?

Sure, the childminder isn't working 24/7. But otherwise? It's the same, isn't it? It's work.

BackforGood · 13/05/2021 00:10

Well, you did have a year off work.
I'm not sure why you are being so defensive.

Just reply with something about it being nice to come back to work for a rest if you think maternity leave is so hard.

Would you prefer them to ignore you, and pretend you had been there all along and not missed X or Y being introduced or A and B being changed ? Confused

Staffy1 · 13/05/2021 00:10

Please at least don't use the expression "birthed a baby". That's up there with "baby mama" for yuck factor.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2021 00:11

My dh is taking paternity leave next time and I fully expect this conversation to be far more blunt and he will be fine with it- the guys will be oi how’s your holiday you bludger? And he will be everyone should do this, sucks to be you getting up at 5 every morning. Just to address the low level sexism comments - I think I guys would be much worse on average!

Original poster
TurquoiseKiss · 13/05/2021 00:11

I feel some posters have misinterpreted my original post/request for advice. I don’t deny I had a year away from work - this is a fact!

I have no desire to go into any details with colleagues of sleepless nights, feeding, teething blah blah blah - the 2nd paragraph of my post was intended to be jovial, as was the sign off!

My take home message from all is to probably have a reactive line in my locker along the lines of: “my maternity leave period was great, thanks for asking, incredibly grateful for my baby son. Parts of raising a child for the first time are challenging, especially in a pandemic. It’s a hard job but the best job! Glad to be back to work however!” End with BIG SMILE!

I hope some of the content of this thread is helpful for anyone out there feeling in a similar position.

OP posts:
omgwhy · 13/05/2021 00:13

But it is leave? They are being nice, and polite and be grateful you had a year off when they are maybe plenty like me that were having to run a business less than 3 weeks after giving birth. (Also my choice!)

I'd of given anything to be employed and have a year off.

Cocogreen · 13/05/2021 00:14

Are any of them parents?
They sound idiotic to me.
Yes it's a year off but you weren't lying in bed eating chocolates and watching Netflix.
As someone above said, welcome to the world of casual resentment in the workplace to parents.
When I returned to work 3 days a week when my kids were at primary school
the manager ( who employed me and the hours were of her choosing!) made a few remarks about my " ladies' hours" ie part time. After a few times of this I just smiled and say : "I know, I love it, it's great!"
She never said it again.

AntiSocialDistancer · 13/05/2021 00:14

If anyone asked me if I took any nice trips I would say, yes to the maternity hospital and got some stitches as a souvenir. Served with a Paddington Bear Stare.

Some people. It was a year away, not "off". She was doing something else, it is low level sexism.

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:14

@SarahAndQuack

Ffs. It's not the same at all. Not even close.

How so, then?

Sure, the childminder isn't working 24/7. But otherwise? It's the same, isn't it? It's work.

But not her "work". If you can't see that I can't help you. It's the childminders "work", not the sodding parent that chose to have the child!!! That's the parents life. Not work.
Seefoodwaffle · 13/05/2021 00:14

I had 4 and 6 months off work each time and while it's different it was not work. I enjoyed being off, lots of cafe, weekdays out (including to beach, actually) and whatnots which is technically a holiday vs working for me, even if it did get boring sometimes and involved leaking milk involuntarily etc. It probably sucks during a pandemic though.

julachu · 13/05/2021 00:16

Some of these comments are just wow... It's kind of ironic that Mumsnet basically hates mums Hmm

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:16

@TurquoiseKiss

I feel some posters have misinterpreted my original post/request for advice. I don’t deny I had a year away from work - this is a fact!

I have no desire to go into any details with colleagues of sleepless nights, feeding, teething blah blah blah - the 2nd paragraph of my post was intended to be jovial, as was the sign off!

My take home message from all is to probably have a reactive line in my locker along the lines of: “my maternity leave period was great, thanks for asking, incredibly grateful for my baby son. Parts of raising a child for the first time are challenging, especially in a pandemic. It’s a hard job but the best job! Glad to be back to work however!” End with BIG SMILE!

I hope some of the content of this thread is helpful for anyone out there feeling in a similar position.

Soooo what exactly are you moaning about?
BackforGood · 13/05/2021 00:16

Yes. Do that. If you want to sound prissy in response to friendly comments like "welcome back"

Hmm
leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:16

@Cocogreen

Are any of them parents? They sound idiotic to me. Yes it's a year off but you weren't lying in bed eating chocolates and watching Netflix. As someone above said, welcome to the world of casual resentment in the workplace to parents. When I returned to work 3 days a week when my kids were at primary school the manager ( who employed me and the hours were of her choosing!) made a few remarks about my " ladies' hours" ie part time. After a few times of this I just smiled and say : "I know, I love it, it's great!" She never said it again.
No one said she was 🤷‍♀️
SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:18

But not her "work". If you can't see that I can't help you. It's the childminders "work", not the sodding parent that chose to have the child!!! That's the parents life. Not work.

What utter nonsense. As I said, if she'd given up her job and become a childminder, it'd count as work. Clearly, caring for a child this age is work. Someone has to do it. So she's had a year doing work. Her colleagues should keep their beaks out.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 13/05/2021 00:19

Just go into great detail about the birth, the stitches down below, the sleepless nights, the sore nipples etc that will stop them. T9 be fair though, a year is a long a time to be away, people can just be making conversation and not really thinking.

leeds2glasgow · 13/05/2021 00:20

@SarahAndQuack

But not her "work". If you can't see that I can't help you. It's the childminders "work", not the sodding parent that chose to have the child!!! That's the parents life. Not work.

What utter nonsense. As I said, if she'd given up her job and become a childminder, it'd count as work. Clearly, caring for a child this age is work. Someone has to do it. So she's had a year doing work. Her colleagues should keep their beaks out.

She chose to leave work for a year!! Not the save as quitting and becoming a childminder. Honestly, have a think about what you're saying!! It's a choice!!!! It's not fucking the handmaids tale 🙄
Sakari · 13/05/2021 00:21

Wow, sexism is alive and well on mumsnet. I'm stunned at the lack of support for the op who is not being a snowflake in the slightest.

Maternity leave is a common good and unless you'd prefer we revert to an American-style model where you get a couple of weeks then combating negative attitudes which view mat leave as some kind of drain on society and GDP is key.

Original poster
TurquoiseKiss · 13/05/2021 00:21

@leeds2glasgow I posted a request for advice on MUMSnet, after 50+ responses I added to the thread to say this is what I’m taking away from all the helpful replies.

I’m moaning am I?

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 13/05/2021 00:22

@Sakari

Wow, sexism is alive and well on mumsnet. I'm stunned at the lack of support for the op who is not being a snowflake in the slightest.

Maternity leave is a common good and unless you'd prefer we revert to an American-style model where you get a couple of weeks then combating negative attitudes which view mat leave as some kind of drain on society and GDP is key.

YY, this.
Enough4me · 13/05/2021 00:23

I'd say "thanks it's great to be back in this work, my last year's work screamed, vomited and had me running about day and night so it's great to be around adults again". Joking about will help you fit back in faster than being standoffish.