Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a polite way to explain maternity leave is not ‘a year off’?

779 replies

TurquoiseKiss · 12/05/2021 23:25

Returned to work this week after maternity leave of 1 year. All my colleagues are nice people so I don’t think this has been meant maliciously but a few have followed “welcome back” with “I wish I could take a year off” / “what did you get up to? Any nice trips?” / “you’re looking well, must have been nice to have a year break from work” (obviously this is what happened but the tone was as if I’d gone to lay on a beach somewhere and had ‘me time’ for 12 months!).

Suggestions please of the nicest way to say: “I birthed a baby, spent 5 fairly traumatic nights on a postnatal ward with no visitors allowed, haven’t had a full nights sleep since last April, didn’t go on any trips because y’know I took the time away from work to start raising a tiny person not seek out cheap last minute jollys…Comprende!?”

Yours,
Tired Mum

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/05/2021 14:09

For some people maternity leave is a bit of a holiday. Not usually the first few weeks. And definitely not everyone. And for those who have had to endure lockdown during their leave I absolutely get that so many of the nice social things I enjoyed during my 3 periods of maternity leave have just not been an option.

It so much depends on the woman, the baby and the job one is on leave from. I was lucky to have 3 “easy going” babies. I do a job that is very hard work, mentally, and quite demanding. I love it, but it’s hard work. Truly, after the first 6 weeks or so, my mat leave on each occasion was a blast. And I really enjoyed it. So I don’t agree there is a general need to re-write the narrative. It doesn’t apply to everyone. I can see the desire to make some comment about the limited opportunities due to lockdown. But not the more general nature of maternity leave.

You are absolutely entitled though to speak up about your own experience whenever you think it’s appropriate. That said, I suspect that the comments from your colleagues ate really just throwaway small talk that doesn’t really require a response.

Goatinthegarden · 14/05/2021 16:24

@Ussernayme

I’m assuming you chose to have a child because you are an intelligent human being who was able to evaluate what it might be like and all that it entailed, and decided that was the lifestyle for you.

Once again, is it outside of the realms of your imagination that lots and lots of young women actually don't really know what having a baby is going to be like...that there's a lot of nonsense out there. I had never met anyone who had a non sleeping child (or they didn't talk about it), I got some books from the bloody library when pregnant and they all made out that if you pop them down in a cot they go to sleep! I hadn't ever met anyone who talked about having a section!

No, it’s not out with the realms of my imagination to understand that many people have a baby without considering that it is going to be hard work.

Having a baby is still a choice though, whether entered into with eyes wide open or tightly shut. A quick Google search will refer you to Mumsnet which will quickly inform you how hard child rearing is. I genuinely hang around these boards to remind my broody, hormonal self that my life doesn’t need a child in it.

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 17:03

or me the key to this whole thing is colleagues projecting their own assumptions on to the OP, rather than talking to her and listening

The colleagues are making expected small talk and do not give a shiny shit. You need to get over yourself.

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 17:05

You do realise that not all work is paid? You also realise that some parents stay home to look after their kids, without pay rather than going out to work and paying for childcare?

You do realise that its not "work" as in employment? It's life. SAHP are not "working". Don't you understand that?
I go to work, and then I come home, and live my life, which is mainly parenting. I don't go to work and then come back to work, do I?

Stop trying to inanely insist that parenting is "work", fgs. It's tragic.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 17:13

@BimBimBapp

You do realise that not all work is paid? You also realise that some parents stay home to look after their kids, without pay rather than going out to work and paying for childcare?

You do realise that its not "work" as in employment? It's life. SAHP are not "working". Don't you understand that?
I go to work, and then I come home, and live my life, which is mainly parenting. I don't go to work and then come back to work, do I?

Stop trying to inanely insist that parenting is "work", fgs. It's tragic.

I think some folks do perceive parenting as work. Others. Like myself. Never perceived looking after my daughter as work. It’s always just been parenting and what I do out of love.
KarensChoppyBob · 14/05/2021 17:19

Yes because obviously if you found it hard you don't love them 🤦🏻‍♀️.

IntermittentParps · 14/05/2021 17:21

The colleagues are making expected small talk and do not give a shiny shit. You need to get over yourself.
No. 'small talk' is 'How was your leave?' 'How's the baby/any pics?' etc. Not basically 'I'm going to assume you've spent a year sitting on your arse/a sun lounger.'

There is a clear difference and it's obvious and easy to apply common sense in these situations.

trixies · 14/05/2021 17:31

@IntermittentParps What was that about not projecting assumptions...?

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 17:32

I think some folks do perceive parenting as work. Others. Like myself. Never perceived looking after my daughter as work. It’s always just been parenting and what I do out of love

They might see it as hard work, but when they conflate it with paid employment its just idiotic.

trixies · 14/05/2021 17:32

Back in the real world, I welcomed a colleague back from maternity today with a cheery, “how have you been?” “It was so good to have a year off...” she replied.

Might send her this thread.

BimBimBapp · 14/05/2021 17:33

There is a clear difference and it's obvious and easy to apply common sense in these situations

If only you and some others on this thread had some, and didn't project your own ideological issues on to people who are passing the time of day with you. Just because you infer something doesn't mean anyone was implying it.

IntermittentParps · 14/05/2021 17:36

trixies, I've said this about a hundred times in different ways, but it doesn't require any projection – or much brains – to see that people saying 'I wish I could take a year off' are imagining that ML is a walk in the park.
And your example is pointless and meaningless – well actually it backs up what I'm saying – because you asked an open, neutral question, to which the colleague could respond as she wanted. I'm sure you can see the difference.

IntermittentParps · 14/05/2021 17:37

If only you and some others on this thread had some, and didn't project your own ideological issues on to people who are passing the time of day with you.

I will always stand up for 'ideological issues' if by that you mean not enjoying hearing people speak thoughtlessly and potentially offensively/damagingly about equality.

curlydiamond · 14/05/2021 17:40

I've been fortunate to have had 3 lots of maternity leave with three relatively healthy babies and no PND, and took the full 12 months each time, the majority of my last mat leave being during the pandemic. None of my babies have been good sleepers or easy babies and I've breastfed all of them. My three years of maternity leave, even the last one where I was stuck homeschooling two bored primary school kids instead of enjoying baby groups and coffee mornings, definitely count as time off work and I'm amazed anyone takes offence as comments like 'did you enjoy your time off'. It was time off, that doesn't mean it was easy or that I had angelic babies or enjoyed every moment. I also had the 'you look well' comments - I wasn't the size of a whale anymore and a paler shade of green like I was before the birth so yes I looked better despite the lack of sleep. If you've not had medical issues as a result of the pregnancy/birth and have a relatively healthy baby then even with the extreme sleep deprivation it's still not 'work' - it's parenting and you'd be doing it whether you were in work or not. I get that if working you'd have some hours away from meals/nappy changes/attention to baby if paying someone else to do it (and that's the positive choice close friends of mine who didn't enjoy their maternity leave and struggled with PND made) but when you are juggling work and caring for your little one you realise that the last part of the year off was definitely easier than working and caring for your little one too (if it wasn't, you'd go back to work sooner rather than being skint on SMP or unpaid leave).
The first year for a first time parent can be utterly overwhelming, and going back to work incredibly nerve-wracking, but I do think too much is being read into the office small talk on this occasion and I honestly do not think it's perpetuating sexism in the workplace. Just small talk. Enjoy getting to finish a hot drink and going to the loo on your own, it's not easy going back after a year out regardless of how you spent the time.

trixies · 14/05/2021 17:43

Good lord. Asking if someone had a nice year off is an equality issue. I’m done now - there’s no reasoning with this at all.

Blossomtoes · 14/05/2021 18:30

I'll say it again: the argument that things are 'trivial' or 'don't matter' is what shuts down conversation and impedes progress

And I’ll say again it doesn’t. It’s words. Mat leave is time off work. It certainly doesn’t shut down conversation - this thread has rumbled on for ever!

IntermittentParps · 14/05/2021 18:38

Mat leave is time off work
No one is disputing that. The argument is whether it's OK to talk about it as if it's a holiday ('I wish I could take a year off' etc).
To which the answer is a resounding no.
I find it depressing and alarming that someone clearly actively involved in feminism is so quick to dismiss this kind of thing as 'words'. As if theyr'e not important and don't signify things.

Blossomtoes · 14/05/2021 19:10

The whole thread has been about disputing it. The OP didn’t mention the word “holiday”.

maggiethecat · 14/05/2021 19:39

@BimBimBapp

You do realise that not all work is paid? You also realise that some parents stay home to look after their kids, without pay rather than going out to work and paying for childcare?

You do realise that its not "work" as in employment? It's life. SAHP are not "working". Don't you understand that?
I go to work, and then I come home, and live my life, which is mainly parenting. I don't go to work and then come back to work, do I?

Stop trying to inanely insist that parenting is "work", fgs. It's tragic.

You have become fixated with with the idea of parenting being called work as an equivalence with paid employment. I really don’t care what it’s called

What is tragic is the minimising of its value both on here and in the workplace.

Newmumatlast · 15/05/2021 10:07

[quote trixies]@IntermittentParps If someone genuinely hears "I wish I could take a year off" and think it means "I wish I could give birth to a baby so that I could do absolutely no work at all for an entire year", rather than, "I wish I could give birth to a baby and take some maternity leave to have a break from the 9-5, the commuting, and the daily office grind", then honestly, that's on them. It's a huge reach, and challenging it in my workplace on this basis would be met with a lot of confusion.[/quote]
I actually agree

Rupertbeartrousers · 15/05/2021 10:09

@curlydiamond

I've been fortunate to have had 3 lots of maternity leave with three relatively healthy babies and no PND, and took the full 12 months each time, the majority of my last mat leave being during the pandemic. None of my babies have been good sleepers or easy babies and I've breastfed all of them. My three years of maternity leave, even the last one where I was stuck homeschooling two bored primary school kids instead of enjoying baby groups and coffee mornings, definitely count as time off work and I'm amazed anyone takes offence as comments like 'did you enjoy your time off'. It was time off, that doesn't mean it was easy or that I had angelic babies or enjoyed every moment. I also had the 'you look well' comments - I wasn't the size of a whale anymore and a paler shade of green like I was before the birth so yes I looked better despite the lack of sleep. If you've not had medical issues as a result of the pregnancy/birth and have a relatively healthy baby then even with the extreme sleep deprivation it's still not 'work' - it's parenting and you'd be doing it whether you were in work or not. I get that if working you'd have some hours away from meals/nappy changes/attention to baby if paying someone else to do it (and that's the positive choice close friends of mine who didn't enjoy their maternity leave and struggled with PND made) but when you are juggling work and caring for your little one you realise that the last part of the year off was definitely easier than working and caring for your little one too (if it wasn't, you'd go back to work sooner rather than being skint on SMP or unpaid leave). The first year for a first time parent can be utterly overwhelming, and going back to work incredibly nerve-wracking, but I do think too much is being read into the office small talk on this occasion and I honestly do not think it's perpetuating sexism in the workplace. Just small talk. Enjoy getting to finish a hot drink and going to the loo on your own, it's not easy going back after a year out regardless of how you spent the time.
Excellent post
Newmumatlast · 15/05/2021 10:10

@Eminybob

Been thinking about this. When you’re on annual leave, it’s holiday from work, even if it’s to look after your kids because it’s school holidays, or if you are going away with the baby, or to decorate the house or provide care for a relative or whatever. When I take a week off during school hols, it’s bloody harder than being at work, I can tell you. But it’s still holiday. From work. So yeah, I can’t get worked up about mat leave being called holiday. (Ps my first mat leave was a holiday, I bloody loved every minute. My second I had severe PND and hated every minute)
I think this is a good point. I really think when people refer to a year off they genuinely mean off of work not time off from doing anything at all
Arena5 · 15/05/2021 10:26

This thread makes me want to start a petition to change the name of mumsnet to internalised-misoygny-net.

Op congratulations on your baby it is very hard work - everyone in the comments claiming it’s was a big jolly holiday for them are just being macho twats

MilkRunningOutAgain · 15/05/2021 10:39

I saw both my mat leaves as time off work. Not a holiday but definitely not work and it was lovely to have that time away from work and office politics and concentrate on my family. My colleagues made similar remarks to the op’s when I went back to work, I joked along, not because I felt undervalued and misunderstood and felt I was being pressured into going along with it, but because on the whole I agreed with what was said. Parenting is hard work and is extremely valuable, but it’s different to paid work.