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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the majority of people are not very nice

199 replies

Namechangeme1 · 11/05/2021 23:49

NC for this post.

Just that really. As I approach 40 im starting to see very mean sides to people that is making me not want to spend much time around them.

Not all people, but it's starting to become the vast majority. I'm not perfect by any means but slightly worried about approaching older age as a bitter recluse. I have a husband, very good close family and a handful of close friends but aside from that, people never cease to disappoint.

I'm struggling with it - are the majority of people outside your close circles not very nice or is it just mine?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 13/05/2021 06:21

@AmberIsACertainty I could have written your post it's great thank you. Exactly another example why I dislike people too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 13/05/2021 06:23

@AmberIsACertainty

I don't know what's happening to friendship. But something is. And it's not just me, others have noticed it too.

It takes a certain amount of effort to keep a friendship going, so what's with almost nobody wanting to make plans, pretty much ever (not just with me, with anyone)? And if people do make plans, what's this "it's ok to cancel" culture that's sprung up with meems all over social media?

Since when is it ok to mess someone around for no real reason when they've set aside time for you? Why aren't people organising themselves/their lives such that, except for emergency, they don't need to cancel?

Eg if you've got dinner plans for Thursday night and on Thursday morning someone invites you for drinks Friday night, but you can't afford both, the decent thing to do is turn down Friday night drinks due to already having plans that week, not cancel on your dinner date. And if you've also got arrangements to meet a friend for a run or gym class or something on Saturday morning, phoning up with a hangover to cancel 5min before you're due to meet is not on.

I have very few friends because I'm not prepared to tolerate this nonsense. People in general didn't used to be like this. I find it rude, selfish and dismissive. Why would I want to spend time with people who behave like that towards me? Yet when you bump into them it's all "hey stranger where have you been?" Um, floating around bored having been cancelled on by someone like you, mostly!

I'm seriously weighing up not getting back in touch with anyone after lockdown and being a loner instead. At least I can rely on myself. So yeh, I'm with you on this OP.

👏👏absolutely love this. Something bizarre has happened to friendship since the rise of social media and also correct about people being flaky. Another reason why I also am tempted to resume to a life of a loner.
OP posts:
Egghead68 · 13/05/2021 06:41

@Viviennemary

Not sure about being nice. But nearly everybody does whats best for themselves although they cover it up very well in a lot of cases. Took md many years to reslise this.
This
the80sweregreat · 13/05/2021 09:09

My dh has had a friend for years and he is one of those people who can dish out the ' banter' and wind ups but can't take it if others do it to him. Plus he never knows when to stop.
My h finally snapped and they are now on longer friends. He has had enough of him.
It's sad I think but being a people pleaser can be hard and everyone has a line when they can't do it anymore.
People can be so blind to how much things can hurt you as well.

stayathomer · 13/05/2021 09:34

This morning I did as many good turns as I could, waved at people, let people out etc exactly as a result of this thread! Just sad we all see so much negativity now. Got some lovely responses backBrew

MisContrued · 13/05/2021 10:13

Nice people can be manipulative too i.e. if they are being nice for something in return, and once they have used you for it got what they want you are then dispensable.

Consistently doing what is right and fair, that's the thing.

NotVeryChattySchoolMum · 13/05/2021 10:29

I like to think of myself as nice. Polite to waiters, even tidy up after myself for them a bit. Absolutely happy to help when asked. My friends can always confide in me and trust me not to judge them. I don't cancel on people last minute.

But do I bring positive energy to communities? Get out of way to make people happy, organise something good? Doing something beyond existing and surviving? I do think that's where I fall short.

PetuniaPot · 13/05/2021 11:09

Goodness you are setting a high bar for yourself NotVeryChatty.

You sound a positive influence.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 13/05/2021 11:14

Most people are mostly nice most of the time

Imho

OccaChocca · 13/05/2021 11:38

I completely agree!

I'm nice but I am very selective with who I share that with. I have been let down a lot in the past. Now people have to earn my trust and the rude, flakey, self serving generally don't get a look in.

Society is changing. People are under far more pressure and have far less time for others. This is supposed to progress apparently.

motherloaded · 13/05/2021 12:21

I think the majority of people is perfectly decent, maybe a bit selfish but that's self preservation, but on the whole will naturally help and be nice.

But people have bad days, have shit in their life, and sometimes get blinded by that.

There are a few nasty ones, most of us seem to be MN posters neighbours! Just entitled, selfish, and uncaring about being a nuisance to anyone else.
(and a few truly shocking individuals)

There are also exceptional people, more than we think.

In our society, most people are nice.

Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 13/05/2021 19:54

@stayathomer

This morning I did as many good turns as I could, waved at people, let people out etc exactly as a result of this thread! Just sad we all see so much negativity now. Got some lovely responses backBrew
That's really good to hear. I love this. I started the day in a right grump lol so I might try this instead
OP posts:
Ocean456 · 13/05/2021 21:22

Yes, I feel this, my ‘friends’ knew I had struggled with infertility for two and half years, three lockdown babies were born from our group during covid whilst I was dealing with the incredible pain of my continuing infertility and an isolated only child at home, they constantly posted pictures on the WhatsApp every day...absolutely no concern for my feelings, they were fair weather friends, suitable for coffee and superficial conversation only...and now I don’t even want that

amicissimma · 13/05/2021 21:39

I think most people are lovely. I'm often taken aback at how much people will put themselves out for others for no apparent advantage to themselves. They seem genuinely suprised when praised as if they don't think they've done anything special.

Occasionally people get swamped by their lives and don't have energy left for others. And the odd person just isn't so nice.

But the people I find the meanest tend to be the ones who claim to be nice, or people pleasers, but are just acting certain ways to look good and are actually full of resentment. There was a politician not long ago who kept saying on the radio that he was nice, but his actions spoke otherwise.

BackforGood · 13/05/2021 21:46

Echobelly

I think most people are fundamentally 'nice' and well meaning but also put themselves first, which is often fair enough.

I think assuming most people mean well has served me better than being cynical about them would have, I mean, I've never jumped to a negative conclusion about someone's actions and had a needless argument about it, for example.

I agree with this ^ too.

I think most people are nice.
I also have worked out that most people who come across as aggressive or angry are actually defensive and hurting.
I always start from the default assumption that people are nice and I am nice to them. I mostly find that most people respond to me being nice / friendly / welcoming to them.
I am not one of those MNers who looks for offence in every remark or interaction.

prettylittlestar · 13/05/2021 22:32

I agree. It also annoys me the most popular people at work are nasty.

Anordinarymum · 13/05/2021 23:33

I think most people are nice but when i come across someone who is not and directs their meanness at me I become as not as very nice as them.
It's a bad trait and I try not to let myself behave that way because later I feel bad and know I could have handled things better.

And if you were that person at the swimming pool yesterday who stared at me and made comments to other swimmers you know who you are.

bristles

123banana · 13/05/2021 23:39

I disagree actually. I’d say the majority of people are nice - it’s just the nasty ones shout louder/stick in your memory more. Don’t let them get to you!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/05/2021 08:38

Yanbu. I'm not all that nice myself. The older I get the more other people annoy me!
The downside of an individualistic society is it promotes competitiveness and selfishness (I'm not excluding myself here) and that doesn't make for healthy friendships.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/05/2021 08:39

I think also its true that the most popular people are often the most nasty. I was in an antenatal group and the two women who most drove divisions, bullied, excluded etc were the ones the other women seemed most desperate to please. I couldnt be arsed with it.

BiscoffAddict · 14/05/2021 08:50

I still think most people are decent and kind. However I’ve noticed as I get older I’ve become much less of a people pleaser and am no longer as tolerant of shitty behaviour. When I think back to how I was in my 20’s where I let people trample all over me it’s makes me really angry that I allowed it to happen, but I suppose it’s one of those things that comes eventually with age and life experience. I find it so liberating that I no longer give a shit. I’d never deliberately upset someone, but I won’t stand for being treated poorly either and I will tell someone if I’m not happy about something.

ThePlantsitter · 14/05/2021 08:52

I don't disagree with you but it's too depressing to write everybody off as horrible.

Stressed people are not very nice, and most people right now are stressed.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/05/2021 08:55

OP
YADNBU
always there have been mean kids that turn into mean adults, but this is something else where seemingly pleasant middle aged or older people think nothing of shitting on you from a great height behind your back. I never even noticed this until I was over 50 and it has been a revelation. I do wonder if I'm not on some spectrum though , I've always taken people at face value and trusted them, not always with a good outcome of course, so perhaps I'm not the best judge of character.

Finally, thankfully, I'm a lot more suspicious of other people's motives these days.

People can be horrible.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 14/05/2021 09:39

I don’t know if this is true really. I have encountered a heck of a lot of lovely strangers in my time, obviously a few horrible ones too but I think more good than bad. I don’t think many people are inherently bad, I just think we’re all very human and we all have good and bad days.

zafferana · 14/05/2021 10:18

Some interesting perspectives on this thread. I tend to agree with the friendship thing - that a lot of people are more willing these days to blow off arrangements at the last minute, but tbh I bin these sorts of people instantly. I'd far rather have a small number of good, decent human beings in my life than a large number of flakey, selfish ones who always have their eye out for a better offer. It's actually quite easy to spot them - they post EVERYTHING on SM including large numbers of pouty pictures of themselves, use hashtags in a non-ironic way, witter on about living their 'best life', call people 'hun', and constantly ask for favours that they have no intention of ever reciprocating!

TBH, I don't value 'nice' anyway. Give me a snarky cow who makes me laugh any day over a 'I'm so nice and kind' doormat!