To feel the majority of people are not very nice

[Namechangeme1]

NC for this post.

Just that really. As I approach 40 im starting to see very mean sides to people that is making me not want to spend much time around them.

Not all people, but it's starting to become the vast majority. I'm not perfect by any means but slightly worried about approaching older age as a bitter recluse. I have a husband, very good close family and a handful of close friends but aside from that, people never cease to disappoint.

I'm struggling with it - are the majority of people outside your close circles not very nice or is it just mine?!

I think the problem with modern life is that it's busy, tiring and stressful. And women in particular are often juggling home, job, family and friends.

I also think there is a very modern phenomena of 'fakeness' driven by reality tv and social media where people gush about OMG I love all these guys so much. We've become best friends and I genuinely think they are all so talented/so marvellous, etc If you watch reality shows everyone is SO humble, kind, generous of spirit and it's all such utter bollocks, really.

In real life too, people say Oh let us know if we can do anything to help without really meaning it. People trot out platitudes to make themselves look and sound caring and kind, but in reality have no intention of giving up a Sunday to have your kids/help you move house or whatever. People are generally wrapped up in their own lives and don't have the time or energy to spare for others.

It's too easy to say things, but rare that people will come through with kind offers if it puts them to any trouble.

I think we all live on our individual spectrums between selflessness, self care and selfishness. We can be selfless taking care of our children, assertive at work looking after our own interests when necessary and selfish eating that last bit of chocolate cake in the fridge when no ones looking. It's probably a good thing to move up and down the spectrum when and where necessary. The bad thing is to be permanently on either extreme.

I think as I have got older I agree with the OP. Expecting people to protect themselves and trying to protect yourself is something that can be good for self preservation. Do not expect too much of others.

I'm 39 and have become very reclusive over the last year. I'm sick of being nice, people either take advantage and walk all over me or they see me as an easy target to take out their anger/aggression/shitty moods on. I'm 5ft nothing and look like I wouldn't say boo to a goose, I mind my own business etc and I've often found myself the target of unhinged strangers on a power trip when I'm out alone. Doesn't happen much when I'm with my large and naturally angry looking partner.

I feel the same sometimes OP, and it makes me want to go and live somewhere remote and away from other humans. But my family and friends are all genuinely nice, and when I was weeding the front garden the other day quite a few dog walkers said hello and chatted and were very friendly, I didn't know any of them. Think sometimes nice people get stressed and seem grumpy but are nice underneath.

I like to think I would say so much to my younger self to get them to stand up for themselves. I have sat quietly with people I have felt are dishonest, gas lighting (in the truest sense of the phrase) and bullying and not stood up for myself , not risked upsetting anyone (when arguably their actions are more to blame).

A lot of people are inconsiderate. Anyone who blasts their music, for example.

A lot of people are inconsiderate. Anyone who blasts their music, for example.

I feel the same sometimes OP, and it makes me want to go and live somewhere remote and away from other humans. But my family and friends are all genuinely nice, and when I was weeding the front garden the other day quite a few dog walkers said hello and chatted and were very friendly, I didn't know any of them. Think sometimes nice people get stressed and seem grumpy but are nice underneath.

[quote Namechangeme1]@Shinyletsbebadguys totally agree, and I hold my hands up and say nice is not me!!! I made my original post in a rush and like a I say I actually am wary of nice people so I don't want everyone smiling and giving me small talk at the local shop for instance.

I just wish people would not be a dick, not be horrible just be somewhere in the middle [/quote]
I completely agree with that. I once saw a phrase that the meaning of life was that. "Just don't be a dick". I've always liked that. Simple. Easy to follow and covers it all really.

I grew up thinking that everyone was nice. Was shocked by how not nice people really are, when I left home. Became not very nice myself in order to survive this new world I'd discovered. And then it took years to learn to be nice again.

We all have horrible and nice aspects. But I think you've either been brought up to be nice and that sticks with you forever - or you choose to be a good, decent person.

In this difficult/horrible world many people either can't or just don't choose the nicer option.

I'm frequently touched by the kindness and generosity of spirit people show, both to me/mine and others.

My take is that most people are doing their best and if or when they fail, well, no one's perfect.

As a PP said, we're social animals and if we didn't co-operate with each other - at least to some extent - society would simply cease to function.

How are people defining niceness?

What are some examples of unkindness?

I think, sadly, there are people out there who think of others as weak and treat them like shit because they dismiss them as completely unimportant. As a small child, I remember various adults (a couple of teachers etc, who should know better) being quite unkind - and as an adult, I just think wtf?!

As a vulnerable ill young adult, some doctors were pretty brutal and frankly, cruel and now I just think, woah you really shouldn't be in that job.

Funny how now I'm older and assertive and well-resourced, nobody does this anymore.

I'm frequently touched by the kindness and generosity of spirit people show, both to me/mine and others.

Yes, this too.

Discount all my posts.

@PoleToPole

I think women are too concerned with `nice`. Everyone has different moralities, everyone has different ideas of what nice is, and all too often `nice` is just another stick to beat women and girls, to force compliance and to erode boundaries. I have very rarely heard a man worrying about whether he was `nice` or not. `Kind` fits into the same camp.

I think it would make for happier lives if people stopped worrying whether they were nice or not, and just aimed to do what they considered to be the right thing. Do the best you can with what you have, and don`t be a mug. Firm boundaries make for good relationships.

Excellent post. I also think if you feel everyone else is insert behaviour of choice its usually you with the problem 😬

Agree with many of these posts and honestly these days just gravitate more and more towards my DH and close family. They're the only people I can trust.

If it means I become a recluse so be it. At least I'm protected emotionally

I don't know what's happening to friendship. But something is. And it's not just me, others have noticed it too.

It takes a certain amount of effort to keep a friendship going, so what's with almost nobody wanting to make plans, pretty much ever (not just with me, with anyone)? And if people do make plans, what's this "it's ok to cancel" culture that's sprung up with meems all over social media?

Since when is it ok to mess someone around for no real reason when they've set aside time for you? Why aren't people organising themselves/their lives such that, except for emergency, they don't need to cancel?

Eg if you've got dinner plans for Thursday night and on Thursday morning someone invites you for drinks Friday night, but you can't afford both, the decent thing to do is turn down Friday night drinks due to already having plans that week, not cancel on your dinner date. And if you've also got arrangements to meet a friend for a run or gym class or something on Saturday morning, phoning up with a hangover to cancel 5min before you're due to meet is not on.

I have very few friends because I'm not prepared to tolerate this nonsense. People in general didn't used to be like this. I find it rude, selfish and dismissive. Why would I want to spend time with people who behave like that towards me? Yet when you bump into them it's all "hey stranger where have you been?" Um, floating around bored having been cancelled on by someone like you, mostly!

I'm seriously weighing up not getting back in touch with anyone after lockdown and being a loner instead. At least I can rely on myself. So yeh, I'm with you on this OP.

Some are nice but unfortunately a lot of humans are not.

Donkeys are nice though.

@AbsentmindedWoman

I'm frequently touched by the kindness and generosity of spirit people show, both to me/mine and others.

Yes, this too.

Our family has had a very difficult year. I can honestly say friends, family and people I haven't spoken to in a long time have been wonderful. I genuinely think we lead very busy lives with our heads down and miss the small stuff. The wave of kindness our family received was just amazing

@Tealightsandd

Donkeys are nice though.

That they are

I'm a menopausal old bag now, and my tolerance for fuckwits is through the floor. Yes, there are nice people, but so many have an agenda.
These days, I call people out on it. I was bullied at work years ago, and I vowed after that to develop a thicker skin. It took a lot of time and work! But I nip things in the bud very smartish if someone is "off". A few months ago I was in a new location as part of my job, and my new colleague was "difficult". After the first week I was pulled up by my boss because I hadn't done something - it was because I hadn't been told about it (and I'm not a fucking mind reader!). Colleague had run straight to the boss to complain about me - I suspect the omission to tell me the information I needed was deliberate on colleague's part (I found out later she has form for this kind of thing.) The old me would have been upset by this, but now it just didn't bother me. I did, however, compose an email to my boss stating that I could not reasonably be expected to do a task I did not know existed, and also cc'd the rest of the team, adding that if anyone has a problem with me to address it with me directly. It worked - I actually got an apology from boss and colleague.
I do think getting older helps with dealing with unpleasant people, and not taking their shit. And also cutting any such people out of your personal life. I have friends I love, and I cherish them. Last year though, a friend of a friend who sometimes comes to social events and who I've tolerated for years, did something that made me realise that I wasn't going to waste any more time pretending to be nice to her. I told her why I couldn't stand her, and told my (close) friend that other friend was the reason why me and others had avoided some events. It was a relief, even though it was scary to do.
I do think that unpleasant people stick in our memory more than others, maybe making it seem like they are a larger proportion of the general population than they actually are.