To feel the majority of people are not very nice

[Namechangeme1]

NC for this post.

Just that really. As I approach 40 im starting to see very mean sides to people that is making me not want to spend much time around them.

Not all people, but it's starting to become the vast majority. I'm not perfect by any means but slightly worried about approaching older age as a bitter recluse. I have a husband, very good close family and a handful of close friends but aside from that, people never cease to disappoint.

I'm struggling with it - are the majority of people outside your close circles not very nice or is it just mine?!

@PoleToPole

I think women are too concerned with `nice`. Everyone has different moralities, everyone has different ideas of what nice is, and all too often `nice` is just another stick to beat women and girls, to force compliance and to erode boundaries. I have very rarely heard a man worrying about whether he was `nice` or not. `Kind` fits into the same camp.

I think it would make for happier lives if people stopped worrying whether they were nice or not, and just aimed to do what they considered to be the right thing. Do the best you can with what you have, and don`t be a mug. Firm boundaries make for good relationships.

I agree with the second bit, but overall I'm not sure women are 'nicer'. The majority of work bullies I've encountered have been female, for example, and the stats show that overwhelmingly women don't like working for their own sex.

I tend to think that most people are decent. There are always arseholes but mostly people are just getting on with their lives in their own way. I do agree with the age thing though. I'm pushing 50 and have less tolerance for twats but but I don't encounter too many of them in real life.

I can be really nice, and downright awful. It's curious how the same person can operate at such extremes.

Very few people are nice or horrible 100% of the time.

@MrsTroutfireVII It pains me to admit it, but the best bosses I've had are male, and the worst bosses I've had are female. I think a lot of women at senior management level are downright vicious and make things personal - maybe because they think they have to do all these things to get to the top?

Men can be awful to work for, but it's rarely personal, and that makes it easier to cope with.

No, it's not just your close friends and family that are nice, they are just nice to YOU. They are just like everyone else in society.

I’m 48 and I have 1 friend and I’m fine with that as I don’t like many people and if I’m being honest I would say that I am really difficult to get on with as I no longer tolerate fake people talking bull shit to me ( excuse ) .
Life is too short .

[quote agreatmistake]@MrsTroutfireVII It pains me to admit it, but the best bosses I've had are male, and the worst bosses I've had are female. I think a lot of women at senior management level are downright vicious and make things personal - maybe because they think they have to do all these things to get to the top?

Men can be awful to work for, but it's rarely personal, and that makes it easier to cope with.[/quote]
I hate to feel like I'm denigrating women, but I've found it to be the same, especially when I was briefly in the legal sector (wasn't a lawyer but worked with loads of female partners/associates). Some were downright horrid to their trainees.

I wonder whether it's because some women interpret this as being what men do to get ahead or whether it's just because we interact different. Usually, I think that the differences between individuals trump the difference between sexes, but in this respect I think it's quite clear cut.

For example, a lot of men can easily say "bloody hell, you've put on some timber" to their mates or call them a "fat bastard" without any offence taken, but I've never seen women doing this, which makes me wonder whether in a similar way men are more resilient at work. If I called any of my overweight friends a "fat bitch" they'd never speak to me again!

I find nearly all people i interact with are nice. By that i mean pleasant, reasonably mannered with no unnecessary rudeness. I lived in Australia and have just moved back to an eu country.

When i go back to the uk. People aren't always nice (and i include certain family members). The english have a reputation for politeness, but some can be downright rude out of irritability - i guess?

Nearly everyone here and Australia are much more easy-going and less likely to take their annoyance out on others (maybe better working conditions and societal infrastructure help).

YANBU

@Namechangeme1

I agree with you.
I think it’s to do with too many people and increasing mobility.

Unfortunately, I learned at a very young age through bullying from peers and teachers and people in the wider community that people can be utter arseholes (I grew up the wrong colour in a rural area, so that was fun).

I’ve seen it throughout my life so I keep people at arms length to be honest. I really don’t like people as a rule.

Most people are not intentionally unkind- they might not do you a good turn but won't do you a bad one.
A lot are selfish or inconsiderate though, myself included sometimes.

I don't know about nice, but most people are certainly not very bright.

@Oenanthe

I don't know about nice, but most people are certainly not very bright.

No, you only have to read the comments section of any online publication; it's barely literate, full of unresearched (right wing) views. I simply don't have the tolerance for it these days. I marvel at 11 years of compulsory education and they can barely string together a coherent sentence or enable a spell check function.

I read this in the night and it made me feel sad. I definitely think most people are nice, but I do think it depends on the situation that you live and work in.

DH and I work public sector (very different occupations) and we both work within lovely teams of people who are caring and what to do the best for their clients and the greater good of society.

We live in a Northern city which is well known for its friendliness. We have neighbours we talk to and could call on several of them if there was ever a problem. Simple things locally like people let you out at a junction and are generally friendly wherever you go. People 'let on' and you can have a chat and a laugh with everyone from a shop worker to our lovely lollipop man! There is a general sense of community in our area and people wanting to improve it.

I imagine I would feel different if we worked in tough commercial business and lived in an area where it was everyone out for themselves. I left financial services for that reason as it was full of not very nice people and I wanted to do a job with more purpose.

I think the older you get the less willing you are to overlook stuff. Also the more life experience you have. I never used to think people meant to be as mean as they were sometimes. Now my estrogen has hit the floor I feel like I see so clearly the motive behind people’s actions.
It’s a blessing and a curse to be so hormonally challenged

@yoshiblue my community is exactly the same, and I suspect we’re from the same city. Lockdown really brought our community together, we started a street what’s app group, ironically instigated by a couple of Londoners who’d just moved in and knew the support of their neighbours would be invaluable due to health issues. It’s been amazing. But day to day and individually people can still get in a bit of a nark

I agree but I also think people often doesn't realise they're not being very nice or don't realise the impact of their words/behaviour. I think people can be extremely insular and self absorbed and the pandemic has amplified that even further.

@Bunbunbunny

I'm actually trying to be less nice as I feel I've had mug written on my forehead and I'm sick of it.

I've stopped saying if you need help speak to me at work as people took the piss and I let them but no more. I hate the be kind motto as it keeps women in their boxes, I much prefer don't be an arsehole

I’m with you on ‘Be Kind’. Fine for primary school.

I'm tired of being nice. Also, I'm tired of being told "be kind" as shorthand for "you're not allowed to have an opinion on this".

So I'm polite, and that's that.

I think the overwhelming majority of people are kind and pleasant. Some hold views that are the polar opposite of mine, but on a personal level they are good people.

Most people smile back, most people stop to help if needed, most will do things for others. Old saying Smile and the world smiles with you, weep (or moan) and the world weeps (or moans) too.

I’m sure a lot is the way you approach others is how they respond to you.

People are a plague. I'm just going to live with rescue animals when I get old

@PoleToPole

I think women are too concerned with `nice`. Everyone has different moralities, everyone has different ideas of what nice is, and all too often `nice` is just another stick to beat women and girls, to force compliance and to erode boundaries. I have very rarely heard a man worrying about whether he was `nice` or not. `Kind` fits into the same camp.

I think it would make for happier lives if people stopped worrying whether they were nice or not, and just aimed to do what they considered to be the right thing. Do the best you can with what you have, and don`t be a mug. Firm boundaries make for good relationships.

Good post.

I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘nice’. It’s not a quality I value, any more than the ubiquitous #bekind. It’s a quality too often advocated to women, when what is meant is ‘comply’. On the other hand, I will never talk about you behind your back. I’m not a gossip. If you tell me something in confidence, I will never tell anyone else, including my DH. I do what I think is right. I call out sexism and racism. I examine my own prejudices. I’m not a people-pleaser, but if you ask me for help, I will give it to the best of my ability. If you need to take time out from our friendship, I don’t flounce because I feel neglected. I fall out with very few people.

That is more important than ‘nice’.

What do you mean by “nice”? It’s important to define. People are never just bad or good, they are mixture of different sides. I’m a meat eater, I might be not nice from vegan’s point of view and so on. I’m nice enough, I’m aiming to be kind and fair in my life but there are always genuine mistakes, lack of experience and misunderstandings.
By the way you are in much better position than me. My close relatives are not entirely very nice, they are sort of ok but I don’t get any support from them ( I mean moral ) and there is no understanding. We have very different views and theirs are quite old fashioned not in a good way. And I’m not saying that I’m very modern far from that. So if you have at least close relatives and 1 or 2 friends who are nice and supportive - it’s great!

I never understand how people can spend time and money trying to save say a baby whale, but walk past homeless people every day and do nothing.
Or a man will spend hours saving a cat up a tree, but other men will speed at 60mph down a 20 mph road and endanger children (and cats).
Or a woman will help her neighbours for years but vote tory because no one should be given a handout.

I like many individuals but take a dim view of humankind. I take the lowest possible view of mankind - men as a class are utterly awful