Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel the majority of people are not very nice

199 replies

Namechangeme1 · 11/05/2021 23:49

NC for this post.

Just that really. As I approach 40 im starting to see very mean sides to people that is making me not want to spend much time around them.

Not all people, but it's starting to become the vast majority. I'm not perfect by any means but slightly worried about approaching older age as a bitter recluse. I have a husband, very good close family and a handful of close friends but aside from that, people never cease to disappoint.

I'm struggling with it - are the majority of people outside your close circles not very nice or is it just mine?!

OP posts:
BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 12/05/2021 08:51

@Covid10lbs

I work in healthcare and I agree and disagree with you. People are capable of great self sacrifice and stoicism. Or can be incredibly selfish also. I suppose on balance, there is more good than bad in us, or society would fail to function.

I think it is important to not take things for granted. I think the quality of our elected leaders filters down. If we don't see decency around us, and believe that decency is important. I think behaviour generally deteriorates.
Sometimes I do despair, and feel that society, generally, is less kind & politicians less honest. But then I reflect on where we are coming from as a society & no, we are becoming more fair, prosperous and equitable.

Looking at it another way, are prople wrong to look after themselves and their nearest & dearest first?

I am ‘nice’. As I’ve got older I’ve realised that it means I have weaker boundaries than those who don’t bend over backwards for everyone and am a people pleaser. TBH, it isn’t great being ‘nice’, I’m trying to be less nice.
BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 12/05/2021 08:52

Oh crap. Sorry, I didn’t mean to quote you @Covid10lbs Blush

catsareme14 · 12/05/2021 08:53

I agree . People think I'm nice but I'm not .

user648482729 · 12/05/2021 08:53

I don’t think it’s as simple as being nice or not nice; people are complex. However overall I think most people have good intentions; Soemtikes they’re misguided or a bit thoughtless but not many are actually not nice

LimitIsUp · 12/05/2021 08:54

People are complex - the same person can be generous and kind or mean spirited and snarky, depending on what is going on in their lives, how they are feeling that day etc

Shinyletsbebadguys · 12/05/2021 08:54

I don't agree with the concept of nice. Its far too often used as a battering ram for compliance . A bit like not being rude. Both are arbitrarily decided by someone else to get what they want out of someone.

I've spent 23 years in Social care and I am not and never have been nice. I am however compassionate and boundaried , I am caring and supportive.

Sorry that all sounds like I'm kicking you OP but you don't have to be nice to not hurt someone else. There's a massive difference between the two. This morning the group of school mums in our school who have banded together to support after the decimation of childcare in the area have checked in on a mum who had disappeared (her child was unwell) , dropped support packages to another who is having to move really fast and is overwhelmed and a third has picked up two other children because their DM if she doesn't pick up an extra shift at short notice.

None of these people would ever be called nice (I'm one of them) we are not fluffy in anyway.

Nice is not caring or supportive . What matters is your actions and not being nasty.

I know what you are saying but I truly think less "niceness" and more genuine support is a good thing.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 12/05/2021 08:55

Sorry the DM with the extra shift was threatened with being fired. Missed that bit out in editing Hmm

Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 12/05/2021 08:56

@yoshiblue I'm in that sector!! Maybe I need to get out lol.

A lot of my view of people not been very nice is through work - maybe something to be said there.

And by nice I'm not referring to women, my troubles come 50/50 from both genders.

The word nice I also wish to rephrase to 'not being an areshole'

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 12/05/2021 08:56

I disagree, I think most people are inherently nice. I think lots of people have stresses and worries, especially at the moment, which can manifest themselves as being grumpy or unkind but I don’t think people are bad. I think most people want the best for others.

In years and years of teaching I have only taught a handful of children who I thought were not very nice people. Most are lovely and it restores my faith in humanity being around them!

Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 12/05/2021 08:58

@Shinyletsbebadguys totally agree, and I hold my hands up and say nice is not me!!! I made my original post in a rush and like a I say I actually am wary of nice people so I don't want everyone smiling and giving me small talk at the local shop for instance.

I just wish people would not be a dick, not be horrible just be somewhere in the middle

OP posts:
PumpkinPiloter · 12/05/2021 08:58

The vast majority of people I have encountered from all over the world have been nice.

Livelovebehappy · 12/05/2021 09:00

I think as you get older you see through people more. I used to always see the good in people, but now I tend to see the bad instead - I’m sometimes sceptical when people are nice as I think they have some ulterior motive, or are faking being nice. I think it’s life experiences that make you that way. People say I’m nice, but I don’t think I always am. Although I would never intentionally hurt anyone, and do beat myself up a bit if I do something which I consider to be not nice. Example, my mum called me yesterday, I was tired and couldn’t face an hour long telephone conversation, so I ignored. I feel bad about it this morning.

iamaMused · 12/05/2021 09:03

I have a friend who had a spiritual awakening a few years ago, she now follows the Baha'i faith. One of her quotes is that you can only control how you think and act not others, explaining that what they say or do says more about them than you, as a reformed people pleaser I live by this and try not to ruminate too much and be as pleasant as I can when associating with others. My reasoning being that I never know exactly what's going on in their lives and I like to act towards people with the respect I would hope to experience in return. I'm often disappointed.
So, yes op I can agree in principle with exactly what you are saying, I also agree with the ideas that with the government we have now and also the media peddling their hate to influence the dissatisfied amongst us.

coogee · 12/05/2021 09:05

I disagree, I think most people are inherently nice

I feel the same. I meet very few people who aren't 'nice'.

lola006 · 12/05/2021 09:08

I used to be “nice.” But after being treated like shit time and time again all while keeping a smile on my face I gave up. This happened a couple years ago and as I approach 40 I do think my age played a factor.

That said, I don’t think I’m mean or mean spirited. I just created boundaries for myself, which included deleting people off FB, blocking phone numbers, not talking to certain people at the school gates, etc. If it across as mean, I honestly don’t care because I’ve finally learned to care more for myself than people who took my kindness for granted.

user1471538283 · 12/05/2021 09:10

I am less tolerant now but I can remember being a teenager and some people were just awful.

I am noticing more and more the sense of entitlement everyone has, selfish and self absorbed and arrogant. I don't like the majority of people.

Iceniii · 12/05/2021 09:10

I've always felt this way. As someone said up thread 'Hell is other people'.

I try hard to advocate for other people. I notice at work that as you get higher the politics, game playing and self serving is insane. Those below on lower wages get completely shat on. It's horrible.

The Internet breeds intolerance. People can now happily practise confirmation bias easily and push their intolerant thoughts, creating the cancellation culture by using fear.

I also believe that social media has made people more self focused. They see this glossy lie and must keep up with it. I do see people using this to a good advantage. Around here on the local FB groups people are forever sharing the radom act of kindness they received and it's really taken off.

I think all you can do it model good behaviour. I'm not perfect, and my inner monologue can be vile about others, but I acknowledge my thoughts then tell myself to fuck off and do the right thing.

Bluesername · 12/05/2021 09:11

Most people are good at being nice to their own friends and family. Being genuinely considerate and tolerant to people we disagree with, don't like or don't know is a different level and I admire people who do this.

MysteriousMonkey · 12/05/2021 09:12

I think most people probably are nice, but as a pp said, as we age we become less tolerant and when we have children we prioritise them and our family above anyone else. We also have a lot of pressure on us from various things which can make us frustrated and impatient and less nice than we would be if we stopped to think.

Original poster
Namechangeme1 · 12/05/2021 09:12

I am noticing more and more the sense of entitlement everyone has, selfish and self absorbed and arrogant. I don't like the majority of people

Exactly this. Sense I entitlement is a real problem in the modern age that makes people behave like aresholes

OP posts:
yoshiblue · 12/05/2021 09:12

@Namechangeme1maybe there is something in working in FS then!

Hilariously, my boss (who TBF was very nice) wanted us to fill in some questionnaire to see what motivated us at work. Mine came out as being motivated by working on projects with a purpose, plus I'm not very money driven. That ultimately led me to look for another job! Grin

I found working in FS dull and dreary and most people were there for the high salaries and benefits, rather than due to it making them happy. I am grateful I was able to move to a public sector role and took a bit of a pay cut, but it was totally worth it. I now really love my job and the people I work with.

Maybe something to think about?

Pinchoftums · 12/05/2021 09:13

I work for a really supportive charity. Almost everyone involved give up there time to make their places they live better and support their communities.
I live in a city that is predominantly left leaning, very tolerant to diversity, easily multicultural and generally most people I know are decent. Overwhelming voted against the Tories and against Brexit. Not much money about but lots of community support. The majority of people I know are great. There are some annoying arseholes but I've learnt to give them no credence.

yoshiblue · 12/05/2021 09:15

@Alwaysablockednose ahh yes we are yet to have a Street What's App group, though I have contact details for many of the neighbours on the street! I know my ECV dance teacher in another part of our suburb was very grateful to their street WA group for support during lockdown one, many volunteering to do errands for her.

Ragwort · 12/05/2021 09:19

My experience is the opposite, maybe I am very lucky (or have low standards) but I find the vast majority of people are nice and friendly. I have moved around a lot and never have difficulty in making new friends, finding things to get involved with etc.

What do you mean by 'nice' though? Do you mean exactly the same views of the world, opinions, outlook on life?

My DH finds it hard to get on with people but he is incredibly rigid in his views ... if people don't like exactly the same things as he does then he can't be bothered to spend any time in their company Confused. I am friends with all sorts of people whose views and opinions don't always match mine - but that makes spending time together so interesting.

I work in retail and again, the vast majority of my customers are pleasant, friendly people ... I can think of one rude customer in the last five years.

An0n0n0n · 12/05/2021 09:22

I dont think people are innately nice. They train themselces to be in order for social acceptance. Being nice and therefore liked makes you part of the group and less likely to be predated in primitive terms.

Im nice. My friends are nice. Were all also jealous, petty, critical and get pissed off like every other human being but hide it well and dont voice or "bitch" about eachother. Some people are better at playing the game convincingly.