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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 09/05/2021 08:54

I'd be considerably more worried by the creepiness and dodginess (whatever you mean by that)

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 08:56

Elaborate on 'creepy and dodgy'.

year5teacher · 09/05/2021 08:59

Nope. Not ok. No fucking self respecting 25 year old goes out with a teenager. She’s not even 18 - the imbalance of power in age gaps of this type is massive. So often men use this kind of relationship to be controlling as they can use the “you just don’t get it because you’re not as mature” card. I would NOT be ok with this.

JackieWeaverFever · 09/05/2021 09:00

Yanbu from when I was 13 or 14 my mother put me on high alert re dating older men. I had a friend who starting dating an 18 year old when were 14 and thought he was 🤮 rather than 🤩

her brain washing was clearly v successful my first thought reading this was what is so wrong with him he can't find a 25 year old to date.
Grin

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 09:00

I think a man of his age hanging around with a girl her age is creepy and dodgy in itself- that's what I mean.
Her mother says that my dh is ten years older than me. True. But it's not the same when you meet your boyfriend/partner at 30 and he's 40.

OP posts:
JackANackAnoreeee · 09/05/2021 09:01

It does seem creepy. Either he's deliberately targeting a youmger girl because she's more able to control or it could be women his own age are put off by the fact he's unemployed and living at home so he has to go for a younger woman who doesn't expect him to act like an adult.

MrsJBaptiste · 09/05/2021 09:02

I was 17 when I met a 25 year old on holiday. We carried on seeing each other when we got home for 9 months but it fizzled out due to the long distance amongst other things. It did feel a bit of a gap at that age but is was fun while it lasted!

Incidentally, there are 8 years between DH and I which is fine now we're older.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/05/2021 09:03

My dd is 17 and I wouldn’t be happy at all. But I don’t know what you can actually do....

Orangebug · 09/05/2021 09:03

I agree - creepy.

Pumpkyumpkyumpkin · 09/05/2021 09:06

I really think it depends on the people involved. When I was 18 I had a year long relationship with a 30 year old man. I was pretty streetwise and mature at 18 so it wasn't a case of him corrupting my innocence or anything like that.

DM was furious initially and tried to put a stop to it but he was one of the nicest, most genuine, respectful boyfriends I ever had and she was gutted later on when I eventually dumped him.

I'd be more worried about the fact you find him creepy and dodgy than the fact he's 25!

Sarahlou252 · 09/05/2021 09:07

When I was at school my 17 year old best friend started seeing her boyfriend who was 27. We are now in our forties and they are still happily married. It can work.

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2021 09:07

Ergh- 17?? Not sure what you can do but completely agree about dodgy. Focus on building her self esteem and plans and contraception

My first husband's brother had met his lovely wife as a young teacher when she was 16. This was still not career ending back then. Years later after she'd ditched him he was after another 16 year old when he was in his 40s.

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 09:08

There's nothing I can do. But I just want to ascertain whether I'm being unreasonable or not.
Argued with her mother who can't seem to grasp that it's the stage of life they're at not the actual numbers in years that makes it off.

But there's ten years between you and dh! But it's not the same thing when you're 30 and he's 40..Hmm

OP posts:
3scape · 09/05/2021 09:12

Half your age plus 7 years is the 'rule of thumb' on that a 17 year old wouldn't date someone over 20.

It's grim. I've never met anyone with a huge age gap where it wasn't about power and or money. It certainly wouldn't be a balanced relationship.

3scape · 09/05/2021 09:14

And the youngest for a 40 year old would then be 27.

PermanentTemporary · 09/05/2021 09:15

A friend of mine aged 30 got off with a 19 year old at a riotous wedding we were both at - total one off. During hangover breakfast she was castigating herself as a paedophile. It's called 'taking advantage' for a reason. I'd be wondering what her mothers' experiences with older men were. You can say to her that your dp aged 27 would never have wanted to actually go out with 17 year old you because it would have distorted your life. Your experience of an age gap is useful in fact.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 09:16

In what way is he 'lazy'. Not sure about the still at home bit as on a single wage (what does he do) it's not always possible to afford to rent or buy at 25, sadly.
If he had his own house would that change your view?

All that said, this is your niece so not sure what you can do. If her Mother isn't bothered. You can disapprove but it won't change anything.

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 09:17

3scape agree. Half age plus seven seems a good rule of thumb. It's not just a numbers game, though. I don't see anything off about a 40-year-old woman seeing a 60-year-old man -or even 65 but, of course this would bring other issues like him being retired before her and other issues.
Not dodgy though.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 09:18

I've heard the 'half your age plus 7' thing but don't know how it's a rule. Grin

Eachpeachpears · 09/05/2021 09:19

I was 17 when I met dh who was 25...

He wasn't creepy or controlling. I wasn't immature either though. And he didn't live at home, he had a full time job and lived in a house share.
8 years later we are happily married with 2dc. And he has never once said tge above quote "you just don't get it because you're not mature enough" or similar. On the contrary, he worried he was stopping me living my life and that I would decide I wanted a lifestyle he was already done with (clubs, parties etc)

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 09:20

You are correct.

Creepy men sniff around teenagers.
The living at home and lazy tie in with that.
He can't pull a woman his own age!

Her mother sounds very dim.

All you can do is keep a look out.

DelurkingAJ · 09/05/2021 09:20

I briefly had a 25 year old boyfriend at 18 and he is still a mate. Yes, he was immature (we were both students) but there was no power imbalance. But still at school feels off...agree that if it’s just a bit of fun and she mature it may be no damage done but I would think that if it’s discouraged heavily then it’ll be worse. Nothing more contrary than a teenager!

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 09:23

He's never had a job or attempted to look for one.

OP posts:
Gymsmile21 · 09/05/2021 09:24

I don’t think you can judge him about being at home. It’s not practical for them to rent or be home owners. They are the generation coming through at the beginning. A few more years from now and it will be normal to still live at home in your late twenties unless your lucky enough to find a partner to get a mortgage with as doing it on your own just won’t happen.

I think it’s ok personally, most girls if they are mature want someone older. I wouldn’t date a guy who was less than five years older than me as they wasn’t on the same level as me. 7 years older is not that bad.

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 09:25

I'm not being old-fashioned. If she were 20 and he 28 I wouldn't think it dodgy.
I mean maybe I'd think there'd be issues that maybe he wanted to settle down before her but not dodgy.

OP posts: