AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

[Covywovy]

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

I agree with you OP: the age gap is too much because she is 17. If she was 27 and he was 35 then it wouldn't be a problem.

The fact he's been unemployed for his entire adult life is also a bit of a red flag.

She's only 17; so long as she's not drawing pictures of her wedding dress and thinking of baby names, just let the date run his course.

 The best way you can support her is  by being an accepting , no-blame listener   so she feels free to chatter about  her romance/BF and tell you what's going on. 

Invite him to a meal, be friendly, and let her see him "being himself" against the context of her family background and home.

I met my ex when I was 17 and he was 29. We were together more than 20 years.

My dd is a similar age and i would be concerned if she was dating a 25 year old of course but i would never use the word creepy, ever.

One of my friends is 35 years older than me -yes he is my surrogate dad as my real dad didn't love me. I love my friend and I would have married him if he had been 5 years older. I can't marry or be with or have a relationship with someone that much older. It's heartbreaking as he is my soul mate. He did moot it twenty years or so ago and I shot it down. I was 30 and he was 65. So 7 years might not sound like a lot. But in this case it is.

17 is a child. You need to live, travel, have fun and not adult at that age.

My first serious relationship -he was 12 years older and my second he was 7 years younger. Neither worked out. I'm glad now.

At aged 25 plus it doesn't matter + 7 years but minus 7 years does. I be worried about it. Especially if he is still living at home and not working / saving /studying

I’d be more concerned about the “creepy and dodgy” and the fact he’s never had a job rather than his age to be honest. When I was 17 I had a boyfriend who was 27, I was in sixth form and he had a really good job and his own flat and we were together for two years.

Then according to OP, he would also be creepy and dodgy. 2 years more creepy and dodgy, in fact, as OP hasn’t given any further evidence beyond the age gap. Your boyfriend does sound an awful lot more industrious though.

Is your neice not weirded out by the fact he has never worked!! Wtf

I dated a few older men in their 20s when I was 16/17. At the time I thought it was really cool but now when I look back I think it was disgusting. 🤢🤮🤢🤮

@IWentAwayIStayedAway

Is your neice not weirded out by the fact he has never worked!! Wtf

I would ask is the niece not weirded out by her Aunt being so very invested in her relationship to the point of rowing with her mother over it?

"half your age +7" always a good rule...

@00100001

"half your age +7" always a good rule...

I posted the history of that 'rule' upthread when it first came up. It's from a book in the early 1900s apparently.

I am from a culture where a 17 or 18 year old dating someone who's 21-26 ish would be very normal and I did and it was fine, but in my culture it's no sex etc before marriage or sleep overs etc and so it's all about getting to know each other etc as potential husband and wife. In western culture it maybe deemed different I guess. Worst thing that happened was a guy pulled out a guitar one night and sung me a song he wrote for me... That was too much 🤨 cringe he was 24 I think and I forget if I was 17 or 18 but I was in year 13 at school he was studying medicine at uni.

I had a similar relationship at 16 with a much older man. He used the power difference to take advantage (eg manipulating me into sexual activity that I was not comfortable with). I couldn't see it at the time but it was not at all a good thing for me. It adversely affected how I saw myself well into adulthood.

The older men I dated when I was young had so much baggage and they wanted a naive little thing such as me to not see through them.

As a 30 year old woman I can say with 100% certainty I would never, EVER engage in a relationship with a 17 year old because I just don’t find men that young attractive!

It would make me feel ill.

You can like the same bands or work at the same place but at some point that relationship is likely to come crashing down because the people involved are at very different developmental and life stages.

Given that generally women mature faster than men though, I can’t speak for men dating women, but I still bet my bottom dollar that it’s unlikely to work because eventually the immaturity of the 17 year old will surface!

It’s definitely creepy no matter how it’s dressed up

No job or looked for one... contraceptive advice may be needed from mum. Cover the bases then it's easier to walk away when she needs or wants to...

How did he meet her? 17 sounds young but in a bar you could struggle to tell them apart from an 18 or 19 year old, especially if made up.

Years ago one of my male mates at uni almost slept with a 15yo French girl who lied that she was 18 - she was on some kind of exchange program. I met het several times and never questioned her age. She dressed extremely well and drank and smoked weed etc, never had a problem getting served in bars. I was really surprised when her mate told me her real age.

One of my friends got with the manager of the shop she was put in on work experience. 11 year age gap. Even as a 16 year old I knew it was wrong, still makes me vom.

I went out with a guy when I was 16 who was 22 and my mother went spare. She said “what does a man in his 20s want with a 16 year old” Actually, I was more mature than him. However now I’m older I agree it is yukky. But it’s fairly normal despite how we now see it

half your age +7" always a good rule...

A 60yo and a 37yo still seems a bit off to me though...

Doh, I missed that it's actually half your age plus seven inches. 🥒 That somewhat changes things....

Half your age plus 7? So as a 47yo woman it would be ok for me to date an 80yo man? No fucking way!!! It's a ridiculous rule!

Half your age plus 7...

I’m 41. Something would have had to have gone very wrong in some poor 28 year old chaps life to end up with me.

@KaleSlayer don't call people fools because they don't share every view you have
As I said I would be wary but would also judge on a individual basis
We have minimal facts here
How far from 18 is the girl. How mature she is, maybe the boyfriend has health reasons as to why he doesn't work .
How they met ? , what kind of relationship it is ? Loads of unknowns from the post.
Like I said I wouldn't be arguing with my sibling over this , I would maybe raise my concerns and then make sure I could find out as much as possible and be their for my niece.
I wouldn't be going around telling my sibling how they should bring up their children and I doubt your siblings run all their decisions by you .
Maybe the Op sibling thinks the 10 year gap between the OP and her dh is a lot and not a gap she would choose , but accepts its OP choice.
Maybe the mum isn't happy either but knows if she tries to stop it this may push them closer
So yes like I said I would be wary but would judge on an individual basis with as many facts as possible