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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 15:45

@Covywovy

Moondust101, I really do think most reasonable people would see that a 30-year-old woman dating a 40-year-old man is not dodgy while a 25-year-old man seeing a 17-year-old girl is.

Why because the former are grown-ups!! Not that I want to throw stones.

He's dodgy as f*. Thanks for replies. Most of you agree with me.

There's nothing I can do about it, of course. It's not even as if he's got his own place or take her out to pubs/meals very often so I'm hoping the fact he is older - which might be exciting- wears off.
Is he controlling? I don't know. He certainly can't control himself, that's for sure.
I'm not suggesting he solely date fellow 25-year-olds, of course. Heck a 19-year-old wouldn't be too young for him, but 17? That's just dodgy.

How many times have you met him OP?
Iamclearlyamug · 09/05/2021 15:45

I was 17 when I met DDs dad, he was 26. No power imbalance, we got married, had a child and yes eventually split after 10 years but it was certainly nothing to do with the age gap

newnortherner111 · 09/05/2021 15:49

From what you describe, the age of the man is not the only issue, just the main one.

CutieBear · 09/05/2021 15:49

@AzkabanPrison

I was 16 and in year 11 when I met my DP who was 25, I met him online when I was 15 and met him twice once I turned 16 before we got together. He lived 65 miles away and I had it from my parents for 6 month. 11 years later we are about to buy our second home with our DS.

I don't think it's creepy at all

That’s really creepy. You were a child. If it was legal to have sex under 16, then he would’ve had sex with you in your early teens. A decent human being would NOT groom children and have sex with them. An adult in their 20s has no business having sex with a teenager.

I wonder what the power dynamics are in your relationship. He basically chose a child to groom so he could mould her into his ideal woman.

AzkabanPrison · 09/05/2021 15:51

Yes we met on Facebook, we first started talking a month before I was 16. There was no grooming involved at all. It was my choice not to tell my parents but once I did tell them they were fine with it. It was never about power or anything stupid like that.

I engaged in conversation with him first about a mutual hobby we both have.

Cloudyview · 09/05/2021 15:52

OP I was also 17 and still at school when I first went out with dh. He was 24. We got married when I was 20 and just finished university. We had 4 children and were married for 38 years, before he passed away at the end of last year. It wasn’t always easy, and at times I wished we hadn’t got together as quickly, but he was my soulmate and I couldn’t imagine not having had him in my life (still can’t imagine a future without him either 😓).

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 15:53

It’s quite disturbing that people are so quick to say this is ok. The 17 year old is potentially vulnerable in this situation. There is likely to be an element of her being impressed by the boyfriend just for being older, which means there is an imbalance.

CutieBear · 09/05/2021 15:53

@Ilovemaisie People saying that 'what would a 25 year old have in common with a 17 year old?'....the answer is loads. Loads of stuff.

I am 24 and have nothing in common with my 17 year old sibling. Or anyone they hang out with. I’ve changed so much mentally since I was 17. If a 20 something can’t pull someone their own age then alarm bells are ringing.

Awalkintime · 09/05/2021 15:54

You are still legally a child at 17 so he is having sex with a child.

AIMD · 09/05/2021 15:55

@AzkabanPrison

Yes we met on Facebook, we first started talking a month before I was 16. There was no grooming involved at all. It was my choice not to tell my parents but once I did tell them they were fine with it. It was never about power or anything stupid like that.

I engaged in conversation with him first about a mutual hobby we both have.

Again this is all great that it worked out ok for you.

Still as a rule of thumb I’d say full grown adults should not contact children online or have relationships with children.

Pinkpaisley · 09/05/2021 15:55

Nope nope nope

It’s not the age difference itself. Give it a few years and it will be perfectly fine. It’s the power imbalance. It’s never about age, it’s about money and maturity. They are at massively different life stages so it’s really creepy.

AzkabanPrison · 09/05/2021 15:56

@CutieBear there is no power imbalance. We both work full time jobs, share child care equally, share house work equally, both on the mortgage, joint bank account, own friends, own hobbies as well as joint hobbies, he hasn't moulded be into anything, I'm my own person.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 15:56

I think if a decent 25 year old did find they genuinely had feelings for a 17 year old, they would step back from the situation.

Wavypurple · 09/05/2021 15:56

Completely wrong. Power balance way off. I’m 24 and the thought of dating a 17 year old boy turns my stomach.

So wrong.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 16:00

Cutie you could be twins with your sibling and have nothing in common with them or their friends.
I go to a social group where you do have to be 18 to attend (because we meet in a pub) but 16/17 can come if they are with an over 18 person. We have had younger teens help out at events we have been part of.
The oldest in the group are in the 70s, the youngest has been attending since 16 (but is older now).
We all have one major thing in common - the 'hobby' we are involved with. It is possible for people of different ages to have shared interests.
The OP is assuming this relationship between her niece and the 25 year old is a sexual one. It might even not be.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 16:01

Awalk the age of consent is 16.

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 16:02

@Ilovemaisie still, any decent man should not engage

RachelRaven · 09/05/2021 16:04

I think people are missing the point about what different age groups have in common. It is not that simple. Of course a 25 year old could have a lot in common with a 17 year old. They could both work in the same place, they could follow the same Bands, they could have the same hobby, they could both live at home with parents.

The point is, would you want for your daughter a man of 25 who is still has so much in common with a 17 year old, with no ambition and no career?

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:05

The OP is assuming this relationship between her niece and the 25 year old is a sexual one.

You’re right. I bet the 25 year old just wants to discuss their shared interests. Hmm Ffs.

You really have to question some people’s agenda on mumsnet. These posters trying to pass this off as nothing to be concerned about by sharing their positive stories. All very, very disturbing.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 16:06

To be honest when I was 25 most of the 17 year olds I knew were more confident and independent (ie they had cars) and seemed to have good life plans compared to me who was stuck in a Groundhog Day of not having a clue what I was doing or wanted.
Not all 17 year olds are vulnerable.

ElphabaTWitch · 09/05/2021 16:13

I was seeing a 40 yr old
When I was 19/20. I’m ok.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 16:15

Kale some 25 year olds are not yet in sexual relationships. I was one of them.
Fuebombaa engage in what? Starting a friendship? Getting to know someone? Daring to even speak to a 17 year old.
I don't know the 25 year old that is 'dating' the 17 year old. I have no clue what he is like and his personality. I have no clue whether this is a dodgy relationship or not. The OP hasn't answered my question of how they met. If it was at the park across the road from her school when she was in school uniform and he was basically hanging around waiting for the end of the school day....then that is wrong.
If they met at a church coffee morning (which my then 17 year old niece used to help out at) then it's a different set of circumstances.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:17

some 25 year olds are not yet in sexual relationships. I was one of them.

Great. But if you really believe the world is full of 25 year old virgins then you are deluded.

worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:20

Surely its up to her parents more how they feel about it than you ?
At 17 I had a 25 year old boyfriend my mum wasn't happy but let it run its course which wasn't long as he was pretty immature
Not many were bothered by this age gao then though

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:24

Surely its up to her parents more how they feel about it than you ?

I can have concerns about my nieces and nephews, especially if their parents seem to be minimising the potential issues, like in OPs case. I love the kids in my family, my protective feelings extend to them, they’re not just for my own children. OP is reasonable to be concerned.