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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:07

@Sparklingbrook it was a joke. Anyways a 25 year old dating a college aged girl is just creepy 😂

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 15:08

[quote Fuebombaa]@Sparklingbrook it was a joke. Anyways a 25 year old dating a college aged girl is just creepy 😂[/quote]
Mmm. Joking about paedophiles. Ok.

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:10

@Sparklingbrook it’s not that deep calm down

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 15:11

[quote Fuebombaa]@Sparklingbrook it’s not that deep calm down[/quote]
Sitting on the sofa with a cuppa. Quite calm thanks. Brew

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:12

@Sparklingbrook moving on, would you let your 17 year old date a 25 year old man?

CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 15:12

@Coldwine75

I dont think most men are creepy, a 25 year old is still a young adult, the girl is over the age of consent, it is not creepy? I wouldnt judge anyone with that blanket statement , id want to meet them first and decide. I know a few friends with lads this age and they are certainly not creepy.!
It was probably more accepted in the 1950s or 1960s, but now we have all sorts of rules designed to prevent the exploitation of young people by older people. We can only legislate for situations where eg college lecturers date their pupils because we can't legislate beyond the legal age of consent. But many people now have more of a realisation that the sexual exploitation by older men of young naive girls isn't exactly a good thing!

And in the further distant past when your best option as a mother was to marry of your daughters as soon as possible because they had few job prospects, things were different. But now we like to give young girls more options in life.

AzkabanPrison · 09/05/2021 15:15

I was 16 and in year 11 when I met my DP who was 25, I met him online when I was 15 and met him twice once I turned 16 before we got together. He lived 65 miles away and I had it from my parents for 6 month. 11 years later we are about to buy our second home with our DS.

I don't think it's creepy at all

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:18

@AzkabanPrison don’t wanna offended you but that’s creepy AF, borderline grooming

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:19

Offend*

AIMD · 09/05/2021 15:19

YANBU
there is a big difference between 17 and 25 years old. Maybe in 3-4 years that age gap wouldn’t be an issue but I think at those ages it is.

I think with age gaps where the younger person is still 20ish or under I just think there a power imbalance issue. I, like many others 8 image, was much more mature and had more life experience at 25 than I did at 17.

Not sure there is anything you can do about it though.

AIMD · 09/05/2021 15:20

@AzkabanPrison

I was 16 and in year 11 when I met my DP who was 25, I met him online when I was 15 and met him twice once I turned 16 before we got together. He lived 65 miles away and I had it from my parents for 6 month. 11 years later we are about to buy our second home with our DS.

I don't think it's creepy at all

Yes that is creepy. I’m glad it worked out for you but an adult contacting a child and then arranging to meet them without their parents knowing is creepy.
CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 15:22

@AzkabanPrison

I was 16 and in year 11 when I met my DP who was 25, I met him online when I was 15 and met him twice once I turned 16 before we got together. He lived 65 miles away and I had it from my parents for 6 month. 11 years later we are about to buy our second home with our DS.

I don't think it's creepy at all

He contacted a child under the age of 16 online? Why would a man of that age even strike up a conversation with a child?
Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 15:22

[quote Fuebombaa]@Sparklingbrook moving on, would you let your 17 year old date a 25 year old man?[/quote]
I am not sure you can 'let' or 'not let' 17 year olds do stuff. They are very nearly adults you can't place them on the naughty step. You can't ground them if they have to go to College every day.

I imagine it would depend on the maturity and personality of both the hypothetical 17 year old and the hypothetical 25 year old. Maybe 'inappropriate' is better than 'creepy'. I don't know.

CarryOnParenting · 09/05/2021 15:22

I think you can ring social services and have a conversation in principle, where you don’t have to name anyone, if you are concerned

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:22

@AIMD literally! We all know why ‘D’P waited till she was 16!

readingismycardio · 09/05/2021 15:22

@CecilyP

Half your age plus 7 years is the 'rule of thumb' on that a 17 year old wouldn't date someone over 20.

That would mean a 17 year old couldn’t date anyone older than 15 and a half, so how would that work?

I came here to say this 😂
Rosebel · 09/05/2021 15:22

I met my first proper boyfriend at 17 and he was 27. He didn't have a job when I met him but when we decided to move in together he pulled himself together and got a really well paid job.
I get the feeling you just think he's dodgy because he's older than your daughter. It's a bit hypocritical to say she can't be with someone older when you are.
My best friend got with her husband at 17 and he was 35, they're still together with 3 children 24 years later.

Beatinghearts · 09/05/2021 15:23

No definitely not okay she’s still a child. I’m not much older than this man 26 and wouldn’t dream of dating anyone under 21. Definitely think there should be a two year age limit on under 18’s rather than the age of consent just being 16.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 15:28

Sparklingbrook

I think any parent would have some serious concerns if their 17 year old started dating a 25 year old. What do you think a 17 year old can offer a 25 year old? Hmm

theDudesmummy · 09/05/2021 15:30

I would be less worried about the age difference than about the fact of him never having tried to get a job. What is that about? Does he have health problems (mental or physical)? If not, why on earth has he not had a job?

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:30

@KaleSlayer agreed. Think about it like this what does a grown adult man want with a college aged girl....seems a bit suspicious

AIMD · 09/05/2021 15:32

All the people coming out with their own age gap stories. I mean really they’re irrelevant.

A) no one cares about anyone age gap once they are well into adult hood. It a 30 year old wants to date a 70 years old it’s up to them. It’s when the younger person is under 20ish (and certainly under 18) that people query the rights or wrongs.

B) just because your current happy relationship started when you were a child and your partner well into adulthood, doesn’t mean it was ok. It also doesn’t mean it’s ok for fully mature adults to start relationships with people much younger and less experienced and mature than them. It’s creepy and I really questions what is up with adults who seemingly only want to date children or barely adults.

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 15:43

Moondust101,
I really do think most reasonable people would see that a 30-year-old woman dating a 40-year-old man is not dodgy while a 25-year-old man seeing a 17-year-old girl is.

Why because the former are grown-ups!! Not that I want to throw stones.

He's dodgy as f*. Thanks for replies. Most of you agree with me.

There's nothing I can do about it, of course. It's not even as if he's got his own place or take her out to pubs/meals very often so I'm hoping the fact he is older - which might be exciting- wears off.
Is he controlling? I don't know. He certainly can't control himself, that's for sure.
I'm not suggesting he solely date fellow 25-year-olds, of course. Heck a 19-year-old wouldn't be too young for him, but 17? That's just dodgy.

OP posts:
CutieBear · 09/05/2021 15:43

I think 17 and 25 is way too big of an age gap. You grow up so much between those ages. I’m slightly younger than her bf and this relationship turns my stomach. She’s not even an adult yet.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 15:44

I used to work in a job that had several 17 year olds working there. Some were part time - at college the rest of the time, some were full timers because they had finished with their education. While most still lived with their parents, many had their own cars, busy social lives.
They were hardly 'children' in a mental/social sense. Yes legally they were. There was actually some legal rules about hours they could work (not late evenings/nights) and a few times some of these 17 years olds would accidentally be put on the late shift because without looking at their files managers would forget which ones were 17 or 18/19. From a behaviour/social point of view the 17 year olds were no different from the 19 year olds. I was mid 20's then. I didn't want to date any of these younger ones but we had loads in common - especially music. A group of us wanted to go to a gig together but couldn't all be off work at the same time. Is that 'creepy' that me aged 25 wanted to go to a music gig with some 17 year olds? No. We enjoyed the same music. A few that were a mix of 'the teens' and the older staff started a five a side football team and talked football a lot.
People saying that 'what would a 25 year old have in common with a 17 year old?'....the answer is loads. Loads of stuff.