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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 16:24

No Kale I don't think the world is full of 25 year old virgins.
I also don't think that all males are sex obsessed pervs and I don't think that all 17 year olds are vulnerable innocent 'schoolgirls'.
Anyway I am out of this conversation now. I have said what I think from my life experiences.
Bye all.

worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:28

@KaleSlayer you can have concerns but can't tell her parents what they should do as much as they would probably struggle telling a 17 year old , how long until this 17 year old is 18 ?
My ds is 17 if he had a 25 year old girlfriend I wouldn't be happy but not much I could do about it , other than offer him advise
And if my sibling told me what to do I would tell them where to go

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/05/2021 16:28

My brother is 24 and is quite young. Was always a bit slower than his peers, but he has an absolute rule that he never goes out with anyone under 20 (youngest) he says he would feel really weird being with a teenager.
I know quite a few men, even older that will happily go out with 17/18 year olds. Yes ots weird.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:28

I also don't think that all males are sex obsessed pervs and I don't think that all 17 year olds are vulnerable innocent 'schoolgirls'.

Neither do I. But I think it is reasonable and responsible to be concerned when a 25 year old adult is dating your 17 year old niece.

worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:31

@KaleSlayer but some of them are positive
It very much depends on the maturity of parties and not just the age as long as obviously not a child.
Some 17 year olds are very mature , others not so
OP herself has a big age gap but its ok as she met her partner later
I would be more concerned about lack of job unless good reason
None of us can make a judgement fully without all facts ,

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/05/2021 16:33

I 'dated' a 46 year old when I was 18.

There was absolutely a power imbalance and dramatic differences in maturity and intellect...

He was bloody boring, narrow minded and well... 'old' (mentally, far far older than his years). I was emotionally far more mature than him, better educated all round, far wider range of interests, been to more places and done more stuff, than he had.

It fizzled out because he was boring and shit in bed, and it really only started because he had a car, money and a gorgeous little cottage and I was 18 and had nothing better to do. I got tired of bossing him about and holding up his rather fragile emotional state!

So the age gap does not always mean the older party is the more mature, intelligent or 'powerful' one... but yeah it often can work out that way! I do suspect he was hoping I'd be compliant and quiet and impressed by his wealth and a bit upset that I wasn't any of those things!

TheCrowening · 09/05/2021 16:33

@PermanentTemporary

A friend of mine aged 30 got off with a 19 year old at a riotous wedding we were both at - total one off. During hangover breakfast she was castigating herself as a paedophile. It's called 'taking advantage' for a reason. I'd be wondering what her mothers' experiences with older men were. You can say to her that your dp aged 27 would never have wanted to actually go out with 17 year old you because it would have distorted your life. Your experience of an age gap is useful in fact.
Luckily I saw past these reactions when I met my husband, when he was 18 and I was 29. To be fair I’d not have considered dating a “normal” 18 year old but fortunately my husband managed to convince me. That was 16 years ago. Thinking of it in terms of being a “paedophile” is weird and minimising of actual paedophilia.
KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:33

worriedatthemoment

OP isn’t telling the parents what to do. She just sounds concerned and suspicious and is looking out for her niece.

My son is also 17 like yours. I would be very suspicious if a 25 year old woman wanted to date him. It would be weird as fuck, so let’s not pretend otherwise. You also have to think why it’s never usually the woman that is older in these situations.

Hairbrush123 · 09/05/2021 16:35

I'm a similar age to the boyfriend and there is no way I'd ever date a teenager. It is very strange. My partner is nine-years older than me however we met when I graduated from university. I don't think it would be so bad if he was 30 and she was 22, both fully consenting adults and she has a better idea what she wants from life.

I think though as others have pointed out, keep a close eye on it but don't try and stop it. Most love-struck teenagers will go hard against your wishes if they knew you weren't accepting of their relationship. Just let it run its course (if it does).

worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:35

@KaleSlayer its says she argued with her neices mother

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:36

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worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:37

@KaleSlayer like I said I would be concerned to but I couldn't stop him
Also in general girls do mature quicker than men, this 17 year old could be a couple weeks from 18
Each should be judged case by case is all I am saying , yes be weary

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:38

its says she argued with her neices mother

Good. When parents are acting irresponsibly, they need to be questioned.

worriedatthemoment · 09/05/2021 16:39

@KaleSlayer without all the info you don't know that they are
Maybe they have discussed with their daughter , maybe they don't want to tell the OP everything because she doesn't actually have a right to know
Glad your not my relative as I know what I would be telling someone who TELLS me what I should do with my children, advice and concern is one thing ,

TillyTopper · 09/05/2021 16:43

I understand what you mean, and I'd feel uncomfortable to. However, I (f) met DP when he was 19 and I was 29. We are still together with two sons at uni 25+ years later. I don't think you can do anything to be honest.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 16:45

I wouldn’t need to step in to help my nieces and nephews as their parents would act responsibly. They certainly wouldn’t be minimising the potential dangers.
OP is concerned for a reason. The ages of her niece and this man, the fact he’s never had a job or looked for work are huge red flags. If you want to pretend they aren’t, then you’re a fool.

earthyfire · 09/05/2021 16:46

I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 27, we're married with children and have a very successful and happy life 20 years on. My parents did raise an eyebrow at first but they knew if they told me not to see him I was going to anyway.

Rosebel · 09/05/2021 16:46

I wouldn't have a issue with my daughter seeing an older man as long as she was happy and he treated her well.
IME the happiest relationships were those with a big age gap. 17 year olds going out with another 17 year old just lead to drama and endless rows. Also the younger they both were the earlier they had sex. The older they were the more the man seemed prepared to wait.
That won't always be the case but was certainly true in my group of friends when we were 17.

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 16:51

She brought up the fact that my dh is ten years older than me in a guy of pique and I got annoyed with her for being so thick not to see that ten years is nothing between a 30-year-old and 40-year-old but is significant between a 25-year-old and a 17-year-old.

I thought this would be obvious.
Personally, if a man of 25 was wanting to actually date me at 17 ( look I know men are attracted to young women) I'd think he was dodgy in some way.

OP posts:
Awalkintime · 09/05/2021 16:52

@Ilovemaisie

Awalk the age of consent is 16.
I didn't say it wasn't. Yes, children of 16 and 17 can have sex .I do know the age of consent. However, he is still having sex with a child as she is under 18.
Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 16:52

Attraction is one thing acting on it another.

OP posts:
IanHBuckells · 09/05/2021 16:55

17 year old being attracted to 25 year old is not weird. 25 year old being attracted to a 17 year old however... Hmm

I'm not sure about half your age plus 7 as a rule- for me that would be mean dating a 24 year old or a 56 year old. Neither an attractive proposition.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 16:55

She brought up the fact that my dh is ten years older than me in a guy of pique and I got annoyed with her for being so thick not to see that ten years is nothing between a 30-year-old and 40-year-old but is significant between a 25-year-old and a 17-year-old

She probably didn't appreciate you making comments about her parenting, and regrets telling you anything about all this. Why do you want to argue over it with her? What does your niece's Father say about it, have you had it out with him as well?

DeadButDelicious · 09/05/2021 17:05

I went out with a man who was 23 (still living at home and at college which is where we met) when I was 16 and looking back on it now with 39 year old eyes I think it was a bit creepy and it was a very odd relationship all round. Fortunately it didn't last long. When I got to be 23 I had met my (soon to be) husband and was living out of home and engaged, the idea of going out with a 16 year old wouldn't have even entered my head, they're children.

YANBU OP. It's definitely a bit off and I would not be at all happy about it if it were my DD/niece/nephew.

Footloosefancyfree · 09/05/2021 17:07

I went out with a 21 year old when I was 16. We went together for 3 years lost my virginity to him he was sweet and respectful and loyal. We broke up as we drifted apart as I was at uni and I got with my ex who was my age who was abusive and a cheat left me with a baby for someone else. Age isn't necessarily a bad thing its down on the individual and there behaviour.