Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 09/05/2021 10:22

I agree, it’s gross. My first real boyfriend was 19 when I was 16, I didn’t really think twice about that gap and lots of my friends had boyfriends with a similar age gap. 25 is way too old to be messing around with a 17 or even 18/19 year old imo.

Nancylovesthecock · 09/05/2021 10:24

I do wish people would stop calling a person attracted to a pubescent teenager a paedophile.

It's fucking creepy and morally wrong to act upon. However totally biologically normal for a person to be attracted to a 15/16/17 year old but it DOES NOT make them a paedophile.

Paedophiles are the sickos who are attracted to pre pubescent children and babies. Completely non-comparable.

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 10:28

How did they meet? Do they have a shared interest so met through that? Is she at 'school' ie 6th form or college? Being at school can still make her seem like a 'schoolgirl' but college is more 'student'.
Without knowing the full circumstances it's hard to say for definitely if this relationship is wrong. If he met her because he hangs around the school gates as the 6th formers come out then that is dodgy but if they met on a Saturday morning volunteer tree planting event (or whatever) and struck up a friendship I think it is different.

CervixHaver · 09/05/2021 10:31

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin

I really think it depends on the people involved. When I was 18 I had a year long relationship with a 30 year old man. I was pretty streetwise and mature at 18 so it wasn't a case of him corrupting my innocence or anything like that.

DM was furious initially and tried to put a stop to it but he was one of the nicest, most genuine, respectful boyfriends I ever had and she was gutted later on when I eventually dumped him.

I'd be more worried about the fact you find him creepy and dodgy than the fact he's 25!

Now THAT is creepy.
CervixHaver · 09/05/2021 10:32

If we had the same laws as the US, this would be illegal and classed as the Rape/Molestation of a child

MintyCedric · 09/05/2021 10:35

He sounds pretty useless regardless of the age gap. I'm not sure what it is you find so dodgy/creepy about him otherwise...how many times have you met him?

If you're particularly close to your niece perhaps you could have a chat with her, but it sounds like her parents don't object to the situation and with the best will in the world it is their call.

Are you likely to fall out with them if you try to intervene? When does your niece turn 18?

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 10:38

CervixHaver not true. The age of consent is 16 in lots of states. The age of marriage with parental permission is even lower in some - as young as 13.

BetterThanKleenex · 09/05/2021 10:45

The age gap isn't a problem, the fact she isn't even 18 yet is. Even if she's very mature, sensible and knows what she's doing, it seems weird. I should add my husband is older than me, we met when i was 20 so I'm not against age gaps, but 17 is too young.

CupoTeap · 09/05/2021 11:08

My personal experience says there is a reason a grown man wants a girl that young

Ilovemaisie · 09/05/2021 12:27

Cupoteap 17 isn't a 'young girl'. It's over the age of consent and at 17 can be out of education and working full time. In Scotland 17 year olds can be at university. 17 year olds can be in the military.

CecilyP · 09/05/2021 12:43

Yeah it’s a bit of a non-problem unless there is a massive backstory and the girl is really vulnerable or the bloke is controlling. The only real red flag is he’s never worked. Does it mean he’s long term unemployed or is he a student? Otherwise, OP seems a little over invested. There doesn’t need to be an age gap for a relationship to be controlling and toxic. There are 2 threads running at the moment that are very disturbing where the young teens involved are exactly the same age.

Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 13:00

Why the judging on living at home? I have several friends with 25 year olds at home still as they cannot afford to move out, so please have more of an open mind on that.

When I was 18 I went out with a 30 year old man, parents probably werent that keen but were ok, he was really nice, not creepy, we hada few dates and it fizzled out.

What makes you say its creepy anyway? If it were my daughter yes I would be concerned but I would want to decide for myself once I met him , and I certainly would not judge because he lived at home ffs. When all you mums have kids in their 20's bet most will be at home at 25!

Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 13:01

Can I add , my friend was 16 when she met her husband who was 26 then, they are still together now.

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 09/05/2021 13:04

I have an 18 year old DD and I would not be happy with this age gap. My DD is still at school and apart from the fact she looks 16 I would question why a man is interested in a school girl.

Having said that if my DD was 21 then this type of age gap, in my opinion, is less of a problem in respect to life experiences.

Alexapissoff · 09/05/2021 13:09

At 17 my boyfriend was 26.

But I’d left home, had a full time job, lived in my own flat (grotty bed sit).

He also lived alone and worked.

I was by no means a child at 17 and was living the life of an adult. So it wasn’t a problem.

It depends on the 17 year old and the 26 year old.

(he was a massive fucking twat in the end though who ended up shagging his flat mate on my 18th birthday which also happened to be Valentine’s Day)

DdraigGoch · 09/05/2021 13:10

[quote CecilyP]^@CecilyP the ‘rule’ gives the minimum age of the younger party, not the maximum.^

Ah, see, you apply the ‘rule’ to the older party. I was confused as the poster applied it to the oldest the girl should go out with rather than the youngest the guy should go out with which is 19 and a half![/quote]
You have to reverse the formula to do that. So:

(25/2) + 7 = 19.5

Therefore a 25 year old ought not to consider dating someone younger than 19.5

(17 - 7) x 2 = 20

Therefore a 17 year old ought not to consider dating anyone older than 20

ScrollingLeaves · 09/05/2021 13:12

“I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.”

Probably making sure she is too immature to realise he feels/is a bit lost. Someone closer to his own age would pick up on that.

CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 13:12

Most young people now would find that age gap creepy where a 17 year old is involved.

DdraigGoch · 09/05/2021 13:16

But as with other posters, the bigger issue than the age gap is that he's 25 years old and has never had a job. Massive red flag.

Deadringer · 09/05/2021 13:17

He sounds like he has nothing going for him regardless of age. I have a 17 year old dd and i wouldn't be happy at all.

fruitloop2021 · 09/05/2021 13:19

I was 17 and started dating a 24 year old.

16 years later we are still together happily married. Age is just a number long as she's mature enough.

littlemisskt · 09/05/2021 13:23

My now husband was 23 when we met and I was not quite 18 so not massively different ages to your daughter and her bf. he still lived at home because he was happy living there and saving money. We’ve been together for 21 years nearly now.

PlanDeRaccordement · 09/05/2021 13:23

@CervixHaver

If we had the same laws as the US, this would be illegal and classed as the Rape/Molestation of a child
Depends on the state as unlimited age of consent varies from 16 to 18. A 17 yr old would be legal in most states.
Lemonwoe · 09/05/2021 13:24

I think it works out well for some couples. I was 15 and dated a 21 year old: we were on/off until I was 21. It was a disaster and yip, he pulled the “you’re just not mature” card on me. Now I’m happily married to a man my own age who I met at 22 (we’re in our 40s now).

Swipe left for the next trending thread