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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 09/05/2021 09:25

@Covywovy

He's never had a job or attempted to look for one.
That would bother me more!
Gymsmile21 · 09/05/2021 09:26

How do you know that about the job thing? Are you sure that’s true?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/05/2021 09:27

He sounds useless. I suppose although he’s old, he may as well be a teenager. Does she want someone whose life is going nowhere?

RachelRaven · 09/05/2021 09:28

@JackANackAnoreeee

It does seem creepy. Either he's deliberately targeting a youmger girl because she's more able to control or it could be women his own age are put off by the fact he's unemployed and living at home so he has to go for a younger woman who doesn't expect him to act like an adult.
This is what i think too. A friend of mine got married at 19 to a lazy manchild with no reaponsibilities who had achieved very little. She divorced him by 30.
Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 09:33

@Covywovy

He's never had a job or attempted to look for one.
How do you know this? You are very invested in your niece's life. I would understand more if it was your own daughter. But if it's true than that would bother me.

If she goes off to University in the next year or so you'll not know the age or personal circumstances of any boyfriends she may have.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 09/05/2021 09:37

I was 16, he was 23. Now I'm 37 and he's 44 and we've been together 21 years, married for 15. He doesn't have a controlling personality, he doesn't lead me and certainly never groomed me or any of the other things people tend to say in age gap relationships.

That doesn't mean that your nieces boyfriend isn't "creepy and weird" but you can't base it purely on age, your perception needs to be based on actions and behaviours too.

CecilyP · 09/05/2021 09:38

Half your age plus 7 years is the 'rule of thumb' on that a 17 year old wouldn't date someone over 20.

That would mean a 17 year old couldn’t date anyone older than 15 and a half, so how would that work?

LemonRoses · 09/05/2021 09:38

She’s a child. It’s not good.

Iwantanap · 09/05/2021 09:39

Sounds like he's an immature man child to be going out with a school girl. He's probably at the same life stage as her. The only problem is he isn't going anywhere and may pull her down with him or end up depending on her and continuing to be a man child. Either way it may be ok for the short term but long term he will hold her back massively. Been there and had to go back to sort my career out. He also took me for granted and resented me.

RolloTomassi · 09/05/2021 09:42

No, it's weird from the bloke. If it were my daughter I'd be very unhappy. Age gaps are totally fine but not when the relationship starts at only 17.

ItsAllAboutTheParsley · 09/05/2021 09:46

@CecilyP the ‘rule’ gives the minimum age of the younger party, not the maximum.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 09:48

Google threw this up-

Where does half your age plus seven come from? Half your age plus seven is an unofficial rule of romance often credited to French author Max O'Rell (Léon Paul Blouet) in his 1901 love manual with the incredibly romantic title of Her Royal Highness Woman and His Majesty Cupid

Pinkypink · 09/05/2021 09:49

I completely agree with you op. Its not the age diff it's the diffence in their stages of life. Although from your messages it seems clear that he has not really moved on from being a teenager and someone his own age or closer to his age would not be interested in him.
I hope your niece gets wise to it asap. Shame her mother isn't giving her better advice. But perhaps her mother's disapproval would make no difference.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/05/2021 09:52

One of my DDs (now 20) has always has older boyfriends. I think a lot of women their age find blokes the same age a bit immature.

HowWeAre · 09/05/2021 09:52

I agree. When I was 17 I was seeing a 25 year old. I thought it was so cool. He could buy alcohol, would drive me and my friends places, would pay for things etc.

I’m 24 now and I think it was creepy. 17 year olds are still children to me.

rwalker · 09/05/2021 09:52

Depends on the indivduals some 17 year olds are still just like school kids some are mature like adults and the same for the 25 year old.

I'd concentrate on the people not the age gap.

CecilyP · 09/05/2021 10:07

@CecilyP the ‘rule’ gives the minimum age of the younger party, not the maximum.

Ah, see, you apply the ‘rule’ to the older party. I was confused as the poster applied it to the oldest the girl should go out with rather than the youngest the guy should go out with which is 19 and a half!

Original poster
Covywovy · 09/05/2021 10:08

Oh yeah, when you're adults the age difference is neither here not there. Apart from issues over wanting to settle down etc.
It's hard to explain but if she were 19 and he 27 it wouldn't matter.
But she's a girl in her mid teens and he in mid 20s so it's dodgy as heck to me.

OP posts:
mumto2teenagers · 09/05/2021 10:09

When I was 17 I went on a girls holiday and met my ex-boyfriend, he was 24. Started as a holiday romance and then we ended up seeing each other for 18 months when we got home. I wasn't at college, I left school at 16 and had been working for a year full time, he was also working full time.

I don't think the age is the issue, although I would be concerned about this particular person given how you describe him.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 10:10

@Covywovy

Oh yeah, when you're adults the age difference is neither here not there. Apart from issues over wanting to settle down etc. It's hard to explain but if she were 19 and he 27 it wouldn't matter. But she's a girl in her mid teens and he in mid 20s so it's dodgy as heck to me.
However you feel there's nothing you can do. You are her Aunt.
ClimbTime · 09/05/2021 10:11

I’d be concerned too. A 25 and 17 year old should be at very, very different stages in their life. I think decent men wouldn’t even consider dating a 17 year old when they’re 25.
An 8 year age gap when they’re older is completely different.

Aprilx · 09/05/2021 10:12

My sister met her husband when she was 18 and he was 25, this was the 80s and nobody ever thought it was weird, although I would wonder now. They are equals in their relationship and always have been.

ConsuelaHammock · 09/05/2021 10:17

My brother was 23 and his now wife was 17 when they started going out together. My parents were the same age when they met. Not all older men are creepy. He does sound lazy though.
Being at home at that age is very common where I live. Most young people manage to buy their own houses too as they haven’t wasted thousands renting.

Bellringer · 09/05/2021 10:18

She is a bit young (half his age plus 7 = 19) but that isn't the problem, you clocked he's dodgy. That's the point

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 10:20

He seems nice

Have you met him OP?