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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too big an age gap for a 17-year-old girl?

204 replies

Covywovy · 09/05/2021 08:52

Hi my 17-year-old niece is at college and has started seeing a 25-year-old man.
He seems nice but lazy and still at home.
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy.
Now I do NOT think he's a paedophile or anything. I must be absolutely clear about that but still it seems off to me.

Dh is ten years older than me but I met him when I was 30 and a grown woman so hardly the same thing.

I mean wtf is a 25-year-old man doing with a young girl like this? Yeah, I can probably guess.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 09/05/2021 13:24

When I was 19 I was in a relationship with a 28yo.

It was one of the most loving, respectful and healthy relationships I've ever had.

Didn't last as we were at different life stages but we still ask after one another via a mutual friend (he is no longer on the country and I've not seen him in 20 years!) and I always send my warmest regards when my friend goes out to see him and vice versa.

but aged 19 I was a lot more worldly and experienced than I was at 17.

Lemonwoe · 09/05/2021 13:26

@Nancylovesthecock you’re right! Attraction to a young female adult does not a peadophile make

babbaloushka · 09/05/2021 13:44

I would hate it. Her age and limited experience makes her vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation from an older partner. What normal, self-respecting 25 year is interested in a schoolchild?

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 14:11

I wouldn't call a 17 year old at college a 'schoolchild'. She's not at school, but at a college studying A Levels in preparation for University?

TBF we haven't been given a huge amount of information from the OP about the situation.

CecilyP · 09/05/2021 14:18

Or she could be at FE or technical college doing a vocational course. She might have even met him there. Really not much info to go on.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/05/2021 14:29

He sounds like an overgrown teenager - she'll get bored soon enough.
you do sound over involved in your nieces life though

CorianderBee · 09/05/2021 14:34

I'm a 25-year-old woman and honesty id feel like a right pervert being with a 17yo. So I'd be disturbed by this.

In the time since I was seventeen I've gone to Uni, started two full time jobs, moved hundreds of miles from my home town, travelled extensively. I can't see what I'd have in common with a school child.

If any of my mates started dating a kid that young I'd be grossed out too. It begs the question why can't he get a woman his own age? Because they won't have him? Why not a 20 year old? Oh they won't have him either...

CorianderBee · 09/05/2021 14:40

@Sparklingbrook

I wouldn't call a 17 year old at college a 'schoolchild'. She's not at school, but at a college studying A Levels in preparation for University?

TBF we haven't been given a huge amount of information from the OP about the situation.

A levels are still school.
Branleuse · 09/05/2021 14:41

Tell her that hes cringy and creepy and that she shouldnt see it as flattering that some mid twenties loser who still lives at home is dating 17 year olds adn that hes a massive cliche
Id definitely push the cringey aspect as teenagers dont like that

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 14:44

A levels are still school

Not when you are doing them at college. Then it's college.

Floralnomad · 09/05/2021 14:46

I was 18 when I started going out with my husband who was then 26 , I was definitely not exploited or vulnerable to being manipulated . I was training as a nurse so not at school which I do think makes a difference . We’ve been married 32 yrs next month ,

CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 14:47

@Sparklingbrook

I wouldn't call a 17 year old at college a 'schoolchild'. She's not at school, but at a college studying A Levels in preparation for University?

TBF we haven't been given a huge amount of information from the OP about the situation.

Christ, pretty much the vast majority of girls doing Highers in Scotland at that age are still at school.

As for the poster who said a 17 year old shouldn't be referred to as a "young girl" - wtf? She is a young girl, as in being a young female, commonly referred to as a girl.

Whats with all these attempts to force maturity on very young people to facilitate older mens' interest in them?

Its creepy as fuck.

Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 14:48

I really dont get why its 'creepy' ??

CirclesWithinCircles · 09/05/2021 14:51

@Coldwine75

I really dont get why its 'creepy' ??
Don't you? You're unaware that older men pursue much younger women because those women are more niaive and innocent than women their own age, and will likely put up with things that others won't?

Completely unaware of that are you? Its bad enough when the woman are out of their teens, but with a 17 year old, its awful.

And people mature less quickly now than in the past. Its no longer so socially acceptable for this sort of thing to happen. She will not be admired by her contemporaries, she will either be laughed at or pitied.

AcornCups · 09/05/2021 14:52

I dated a college lecturer when I was 17 and in sixth form, he was 26 we ended it amicably because I didn’t want a physical relationship. When I look back I absolutely cringe at the entire situation. I was also harassed by my first boss when I was 18, he was 40! I turned him down.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 14:52

Christ, pretty much the vast majority of girls doing Highers in Scotland at that age are still at school

Christ, that is not the case here in Worcestershire, loads of schools don't even have a 6th Form so they have to go to Sixth Form college which is quite different to school. Very much treated like adults preparing for Higher Education.

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 14:52

I really dont get why its 'creepy' ??

You really can’t think of any reason people think it’s creepy? Really?

Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 14:54

I dont think most men are creepy, a 25 year old is still a young adult, the girl is over the age of consent, it is not creepy? I wouldnt judge anyone with that blanket statement , id want to meet them first and decide. I know a few friends with lads this age and they are certainly not creepy.!

Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 14:55

@KaleSlayer

I really dont get why its 'creepy' ??

You really can’t think of any reason people think it’s creepy? Really?

Not at all, dont get why it is? He isnt a 40 year old ! He a young adult at 25!
Coldwine75 · 09/05/2021 14:56

My friend's son is 22 and is gf is 33, they moved in together a year ago, they have been together 4 years, is that creepy?

Moondust001 · 09/05/2021 14:58

They are both "legal" though, and I think maturity rather than age is more important. And despite the OP's fine distinctions, I don't see them being in a position to throw stones given the age gap between herself and her DH. I have met more than one very mature 17 year old, and more than one totally immature 50 year old - my sister for starters, who has the maturity of a narcissistic child. But I think what is more important is, why is the OP arguing with the girls mother about this? Neither are in a position to tell a 17 year old what she can and can't do, but it certainly isn't the OP's role to interfere.

Besides which, there is one absolute sure fire way to ensure that the young woman sticks to him like glue, and that is to openly oppose the relationship. Thwarted star-crossed young love is still immensely appealing....The more one interferes, the more you drive them together.

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 14:58

Don't know if the OP is coming back (as some more info would be good) but in the first post they said

He seems nice but lazy and still at home
Despite his apparent politeness, I think he's creepy and dodgy

But I thought they meant that the situation with the age gap is creepy and dodgy? Or did they think he was even though he seems nice and is apparently polite?

KaleSlayer · 09/05/2021 14:59

Not at all, dont get why it is?

I’d say that’s quite concerning.

Fuebombaa · 09/05/2021 15:03

He’s definitely a creep..like why is he interested in a college aged girl, is his name Gary Glitter? Grin

Sparklingbrook · 09/05/2021 15:06

@Fuebombaa

He’s definitely a creep..like why is he interested in a college aged girl, is his name Gary Glitter? Grin
No. Because Gary Glitter is a convicted paedophile. Confused