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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask SAHD to clean?

204 replies

RunningAtStuff · 08/05/2021 21:20

I work FT and my OH is a SAHD, we have three DCs, two at primary, one just at secondary and eldest has additional needs.
Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.
Now schools are open again but I’m still wfh I don’t want a cleaner - it feels lazy (and I’m a little bit Covid paranoid about having someone in the house). But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends. OH does all the cooking, kids stuff and we share the laundry.
AIBU to ask him to do the cleaning too and not pay for a cleaner? It feels like he just doesn’t notice when things are dirty and is comfortable with a higher level of chaos than I am, so I feel like it’s my problem and therefore my job to do. I do want him to have a break and time to himself and I know the time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long so maybe it’s unrealistic?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/05/2021 21:23

I think you should have equal leisure time so that would be my starting point.
Then everything should be divided to achieve that goal

Smeds · 08/05/2021 21:24

What is he doing when the DCs are in school? Surely that's the time he should be doing some cleaning.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 08/05/2021 21:24

All children are at school is that correct? And all for the standard number of hours? If so then of course he should be doing the cleaning. With a SAHP of school age children the weekends should be relaxing as the vast majority of housework should have been done during the week.

However having a cleaner is not lazy as a general point.

WhereTheWildlingsLive · 08/05/2021 21:25

So you work ft while he's a sahd with all kids at school? Of course yanbu to ask him to do the majority of the HW! You should divide at weekends of course but imo he can get most stuff done including shopping and meal prep in the 30hrs the kids are at school... If he claims otherwise (drop feeds aside) he's a total slacker Hmm

PickAChew · 08/05/2021 21:25

I'm in your OH's position. I don't do all the cleaning but definitely do the majority of the daily gruntwork with dh doing the heavy stuff that I sometimes physically struggle with.

What is your dh doing for the 6 hours your kids are at school?

Hughbert · 08/05/2021 21:26

Unless you live in a mansion, I'm sure 30 hours a week is sufficient time to look after the house properly and still have "leisure time". What on earth is he doing if he doesn't need to do child care all day?

1Morewineplease · 08/05/2021 21:30

Methinks there might be a drip feed coming on.

UserAtRandom · 08/05/2021 21:30

Can you afford a cleaner?

If this was a SAHM posting that she hated cleaning and they could easily afford a cleaner, everyone would be telling her to go for it, life was too short, if her husband didn't like it he could do the cleaning himself ...

OverTheRubicon · 08/05/2021 21:33

What's he doing when they're at school?

If you're working from home, say 9-5.30, that's around 8 hours including 30 mins for lunch.
Even assuming he needs to do more in the morning than you and travel, that's what, 8-9.30 then 3-5.30 (when you finish), which is 4 hours and could well be less.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner had 20 extra free hours per week beyond me and still made me share housework at weekends.

That said, if you can afford it and there are other family things to do, it may be worth having a cleaner for school holiday.coverage etc. But if not, then he should step.way up.

Original poster
RunningAtStuff · 08/05/2021 21:39

He’s not a slacker at all. I think it’s just we haven’t found a rhythm of who should do what with all 3 kids at school. The youngest was only in Reception when lockdown hit and then it was home schooling for the best part of a year so he definitely hasn’t been swanning around with loads of leisure time!
Maybe it’s just trial and error of how much is achievable now some normality is resuming

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/05/2021 21:53

Could you sit down together and wrote a list of everything that needs cleaned and tidied and washing etc. Then talk about what's fair for each of you to do. Get kids involved too - dishwasher, wiping table, putting washing away

BowserJr · 08/05/2021 21:56

You're not unreasonable to ask.

Maybe if he doesn't want to do it, you could ask him to pay for the cleaner.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2021 21:57

I think the Big Clean and the Big Shop should be done by the one who has 9-3 free every weekday.

Evenings and weekends should be shared.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/05/2021 22:03

I’d expect him to be looking for work and in the meantime be doing everything house wise. Thirty free hours a week e him ample time to clean and look for work.

CatFaceCats · 08/05/2021 22:04

When I was a SAHM, I did all the cleaning and tidying. It never really ever got bad as I could stay on top of it each day and still had plenty
of time to myself in between school runs and general errands. That way, none of our family time was eaten into with cleaning.

HTH1 · 08/05/2021 22:05

Surely he should get a job now that all the DC are at school...

UhtredRagnarson · 08/05/2021 22:10

I think if you want the house cleaner than your partner wants the house then you should either clean it or pay someone else to do it.

shouldistop · 08/05/2021 22:17

Surely he should get a job now that all the DC are at school...

A 10am til 2pm term time one that can fit in with their disabled child's needs? I'm sure he'll just magic that right up after being out of the workplace for however long caring for their children.

Op he should definitely be doing the housework / laundry etc while the kids are all at school. Even taking school runs into account he has 4 hours a day of free time to do it.

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 22:20

Just ask if he has time to do xyz while the kids are at school as it makes it hard for you to relax on the evening. Don't micromanage though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 22:22

No one doesn’t see mess or dirt. People have different standards as you say, but he has plenty of time to keep on top of things.

What’s he doing while you’re working and they’re at school?

SkankingMopoke · 08/05/2021 22:24

In theory he should do the lion's share, although as the PP said, the starting point needs to be equal leisure time. Does he also do all the gardening and DIY? How is he currently spending his 9-3? The parents I know who have children with additional needs complain a lot of their time is spent form filling/chasing up stuff to do with that - is that the case here?

Ultimately though, if you are otherwise happy, he's not just dossing around, and can afford a cleaner, I'd hire a cleaner. It's worth it for a happy life, especially if you're standards are different.

SkankingMopoke · 08/05/2021 22:25

*your
My phone has gremlins this evening!

Howshouldibehave · 08/05/2021 22:27

So, what is he doing for 6 hours a day whilst the children are at school, @RunningAtStuff?

Sadieeloise5687 · 08/05/2021 22:27

All the SAHMs I know have cleaners. If you can afford it get a cleaner. If you can’t talk to him about him doing as much as he can.

Sadieeloise5687 · 08/05/2021 22:28

Howshouldibehave - you’re not allowed to ask that question or stay at home mums! It’s a Forbidden Question