Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask SAHD to clean?

204 replies

RunningAtStuff · 08/05/2021 21:20

I work FT and my OH is a SAHD, we have three DCs, two at primary, one just at secondary and eldest has additional needs.
Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.
Now schools are open again but I’m still wfh I don’t want a cleaner - it feels lazy (and I’m a little bit Covid paranoid about having someone in the house). But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends. OH does all the cooking, kids stuff and we share the laundry.
AIBU to ask him to do the cleaning too and not pay for a cleaner? It feels like he just doesn’t notice when things are dirty and is comfortable with a higher level of chaos than I am, so I feel like it’s my problem and therefore my job to do. I do want him to have a break and time to himself and I know the time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long so maybe it’s unrealistic?

OP posts:
Bomchiccawick · 09/05/2021 08:47

I’m a SAHM with a toddler and I manage to do all the cooking and cleaning. I imagine it’s very easy to do when your children are at school! What on earth is he doing all day whilst they’re at school?

NickyHeath · 09/05/2021 08:48

@RunningAtStuff

He’s not a slacker at all. I think it’s just we haven’t found a rhythm of who should do what with all 3 kids at school. The youngest was only in Reception when lockdown hit and then it was home schooling for the best part of a year so he definitely hasn’t been swanning around with loads of leisure time! Maybe it’s just trial and error of how much is achievable now some normality is resuming
I totally get this, my youngest also started reception in Sept (I also started a part time job in Dec), & it feels like we haven’t worked out the routine yet. I’m at home 3 days a week ie 18 hours of child free time, & I definitely think it’s my responsibility to deal with cleaning, food shopping etc in that time. Gardening we do at the weekends though.
Temp023 · 09/05/2021 08:49

Yes, but read some of the MN threads where a man has come home and berated a SAHM for not having a clean, tidy house.
If all the DC are back at school, he can start looking for a job and you both can start looking for a cleaner!

Maryann1975 · 09/05/2021 08:50

If he doesn't like cleaning then why should he
I’d love to be in the position of this man! He has 3 dc at school and is presumably not doing a great deal while they are at school all day and because he doesn’t like cleaning he doesn’t have to do any! I don’t know many people who do like cleaning tbh, it’s just something that has to be done. If you work full time, you have to fit it in around everything else, but if you are lucky enough to have a stay at home parent, especially once the dc are all at school, you are verging on housewife/husband territory and you should be sorting the chores at home.

ittakes2 · 09/05/2021 08:51

get a cleaner
you said you don't want the cleaner because it feels lazy
but you don't want to do the cleaning and therefore he should?
And you want things cleaner than him?
its you that seems to be calling the shots - get a cleaner

icelollies · 09/05/2021 08:55

If you can afford a cleaner, then just get a cleaner.
There’s nothing worse than arguing over cleaning. Besides if they come once a week, there will still be some cleaning, laundry etc to do.

There’s so many other things to do with yours and his time, than cleaning the house!

Harefield · 09/05/2021 09:02

My husband is currently a SAHD and does the lion’s share of the cleaning. I’ll occasionally put on a wash on the weekend but it’s mostly been done before I get the chance. He cooks dinner almost every day, even at weekends. I do offer to cook on the weekend but I think he sometimes likes the chance to be alone when we’re both here with the kids and prefers his own cooking to mine. I deep cleaned the bathroom last weekend and did some laundry, but he has been doing a big decorating job lately which takes up most of his time during the school day. While I am working full time it seems fairest this way. We take it in turns with children’s bedtimes, I sometimes wash up after tea but we have a dishwasher so there isn’t much. I get up with the kids every morning, including weekends, as I’m an early riser and he’s not, so I do lunchboxes and sort breakfast. I’ll often make something which we keep in the fridge for lunches during the week. I still tend to sort appointments and things, partly because one of the children is only mine so he doesn’t have parental responsibility for school or medical things. I’m also better at researching so sort out other stuff.

He did more of the cooking when he worked and I was a sahm but I had a child at home with me then and his hours changed so sometimes he’d be home well before tea. He’ll probably get a part time job at some point and then it’ll change again. And eventually we’ll both be full time and then we’ll either have to pay a cleaner or share it all out on the weekend!

Naunet · 09/05/2021 09:06

If he doesn't like cleaning then why should he

Seriously?! Because he’s a grown up, and grown ups have to do things they don’t like sometimes. 🙄

aashna · 09/05/2021 09:11

All these posts with, “What is he doing all day? I work x to y hours and I still manage to do EVERYTHING.., “ Well... good for you. That’s your choice. It’s not everyone’s choice.

Just because a cleaner comes in once a week does not mean there is never anything to do in terms of housework, does it? If the kids have made a total mess on a Wednesday, you’re hardly going to just leave it for the cleaner in the following Tuesday. What I’m saying is, there’s always stuff to do (obviously), but having a cleaner in just means that the house is hoovered, mopped and dusted once a week properly - freeing you up to get on top of all the 101 other things. Also, people tend to tidy for the cleaner (well I do) so it means the house is more organised too.

Just because children go to school does not mean SAHPs have to suddenly become obsessed with cleaning in those hours. You either are or you aren’t. Most people do not live to clean (working or SAHP) and this is precisely why people are paid to do it. I pay my cleaner £15 per hour. She hoovers the stairs (3 flights), mops the wood floors, cleans the bathrooms (4) and dusts. But I make sure there is no mess or picking up for her and surfaces are cleared when she comes so she can just get in with her job, as a self-employed professional. It saves me a day and means I can be doing other things.

TheMoth · 09/05/2021 09:14

We both work full time. I work more hours though. Dh also gets early finishes on Fridays. To balance this, he does a few more chores. There's no way I'd be happy about him sitting round for hours on end.

JackANackAnoreeee · 09/05/2021 09:18

@Temp023

Yes, but read some of the MN threads where a man has come home and berated a SAHM for not having a clean, tidy house. If all the DC are back at school, he can start looking for a job and you both can start looking for a cleaner!
What an inane comment. Probably from one of those people who hate stay at home parents. He'd need to get a term time job 10-2 which is fine to not turn up to when their children are ill.
Stickyjamhands · 09/05/2021 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

idontlikealdi · 09/05/2021 09:27

@HTH1

Surely he should get a job now that all the DC are at school...
No one would say that on a SAHM thread!
ThePlantsitter · 09/05/2021 09:31

YABU. If you had a cleaner before it's up to your DH to suggest not having one not you (as you can - as a family - afford it). Otherwise you are treating your H as staff whom by your own admission you will be critical of - he doesn't notice mess/dirt. This spells disaster for your relationship.

This thread has of course turned into a SAHP slag off session which I'm not going to dive into because it makes me angry. It would be a different matter of he was not by nature a diligent SAHP but that does not sound the case. The last year has been hard on everyone so I would not want to pile on the pressure of you can afford not to, particularly as it's a delicate balance of control when one person earns all the money.

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 09:32

What is he doing when the dcs are at school?

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 09:38

Also the issue is that you somehow still find that the he is YOUR responsibility, not a joint one. I suspect your DH can feel it too and therefore can allow himself to let things go.

You need to sit down.
Make a lost if all the things that needs doing.
Decide who is responsible of what.
Don’t take on anything that is during working hours, just like you wouldn’t if you were in your office.
Look at how much free time you each have. Eg does he 4 hours of free time everyday between school runs but you have hardly any time off at weekends because you are cleaning?

Be honest and FACTUAL.

Then and only then also talk about taking or not a cleaner. Obviously it’s less work. BUT depending on where you are working, when the cleaner comes etc... it might well not be manageable for you.
Eg my DH works from home, his ‘office’ is in the living room. Having a cleaner coming in would make things hard for him. The noise of the hoover when he is on a meeting just isn’t going to work.

paralysedbyinertia · 09/05/2021 09:46

Perhaps he’s happy to give up paid employment to care for the children but doesn’t want to be the cleaner?

Yes, but it isn't just his decision to make, is it, unless he is financially independent. It's a negotiation between the two of them as to what the SAHP role should look like. Ultimately, if they can't agree, then I guess he'll have to go back to work.

I would absolutely expect him to do the cleaning in this situation. With 3 kids in school, it's a perfectly reasonable expectation. However, it would also be perfectly reasonable for him to decide that that's not the life he wants and to go back to work. The OP needs to be ready to support this by taking on an equal share of responsibility for the kids, cooking, cleaning etc.

bunglebee · 09/05/2021 09:55

Everyone is different. I have a senior management position. I haven't been a SAHM but I have been on maternity leave. I would 100% find being a SAHM more stressful. I think basically I am better at my job than looking after my children full time.
Yeah. Being at home with young DC, as I was on mat leave or am on my nonworking day, is "easier" in the sense of less time pressured, less goals to meet, less intellectually challenging... which is one of the many reasons I don't like doing it. I think being a SAHM is "easier" than my job, but I like my job better.

harknesswitch · 09/05/2021 10:06

I think you should both be doing 50:50 when you're not working. If he doesn't have the time to do the housework whilst he's at home then you share it when you're both at home (not working). But if he's getting leisure time whilst the dc are at school then I don't see why you should give up your free time to do the housework

However it might just be easier to get the cleaner back if you can afford it. Sometimes it's a case of picking your battles

Naunet · 09/05/2021 10:09

No one would say that on a SAHM thread!

Err, it’s said ALL THE TIME to SAHMs.

paralysedbyinertia · 09/05/2021 10:13

No one would say that on a SAHM thread!

I would say it and have said it.

aashna · 09/05/2021 10:16

This argument about which is “easier” - being a SAHP or “working” - is total nonsense because it totally depends on what your “working” happens to be and also every family / home situation is unique. What is the point of personal anecdotes? Your situation is not the OP’s and your job / home / kids / husband is not hers.

But in general SAHP does not equate to “full-time default cleaner” - no. Why should it? If you happen to work in an office and you’re having a quiet day, do you feel the need to leap up and start vacuuming the premises? No.

Of course, if a SAHP wants to do all the cleaning, that’s a different matter. But it shouldn’t just be assumed as default. And if a family can’t afford a cleaner, then that’s that, obviously. But this family can afford a cleaner and have had one before. The OP is lucky she has a husband who is prepared to be a SAHP and she’d probably have a shock if he did go back to work.

Orielica · 09/05/2021 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Inertia · 09/05/2021 10:34

If one parent is at home while all children are out at school full time then yes, that parent should be doing the cleaning, laundry etc. Wouldn’t have expected it while he was home schooling or actually caring for children during the day, but he does have time now.

The unknown here is the extent of the additional needs you mention- if the child with additional needs has very frequent hospital /medical/ physio appointments, or your husband regularly has to go into school to give medication or bring the child back home, then cleaning would have to drop down the list of priorities.

5zeds · 09/05/2021 10:45

Presumably the sahp has some say in how money is spent unless you are all in financially controlling relationships. If the dh thinks paying for cleaning is a good use of the cash does his dw really think that’s where she should be making savings? Is he allowed to insist dw walks to work, stops her coffees, BT’s all clothes as cheaply as possible? I’m pretty sure we all pay for things we really could do ourselves. I have a slightly larger family but I would guess he’s doing far more than a 8 hour day looking after 3 children in reception, primary and secondary.