AIBU to ask SAHD to clean?

[RunningAtStuff]

I work FT and my OH is a SAHD, we have three DCs, two at primary, one just at secondary and eldest has additional needs.
Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.
Now schools are open again but I’m still wfh I don’t want a cleaner - it feels lazy (and I’m a little bit Covid paranoid about having someone in the house). But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends. OH does all the cooking, kids stuff and we share the laundry.
AIBU to ask him to do the cleaning too and not pay for a cleaner? It feels like he just doesn’t notice when things are dirty and is comfortable with a higher level of chaos than I am, so I feel like it’s my problem and therefore my job to do. I do want him to have a break and time to himself and I know the time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long so maybe it’s unrealistic?

Get a cleaner for sure.

@PerspicaciousGreen And of course, he'd NEVER leave you

@zaima If you think you are automatically financially protected because you are married then with respect you're a little naive.
I was married to an extremely wealthy man and ended up homeless for six weeks, still privately renting now.
He was a Chartered Accountant with his own business. Also a very clever man.

Thank God I'd kept my career going when I had the kids, albeit on a pt basis.

@5zeds This may come as a surprise, but there are many families out there where both of the couple HAVE to work - you know, to pay bills and things? Where is the choice for them? It's not always a choice.

[quote Dontknowowt]@PerspicaciousGreen And of course, he'd NEVER leave you [/quote]
Who do you think you are to comment on a complete strangers relationship that you know nothing about. Your bitterness is palpable.

@lookylookyhooky No, I'm a realist. Any woman who 100% believes her partner would never leave her and so becomes totally financially dependent upon him is foolish.

@Dontknowowt you’re right. There are some families where the choice for one to work would so disadvantaged that family that it would never happen. How silly of me.

@Dontknowowt that is what marriage is for.

@Dontknowowt - I am not reliant on my husbands salary because he doesn’t have a salary and never has. He sold one company for millions and now mainly invests and has taken on various non-exec directorships. I am not dependent on him because of the resultant shared assets and investment portfolios in both our names. The DC have trust funds which will see them through uni and well beyond and enable them to get in the property ladder; also they will receive dividends from their 18th birthdays. DH has a will and I know how to access everything if need be. I am far from naive, thanks very much. This is why I am a SAHM, because by the time the kids were all in school any salary I could have earned would have been insignificant so what is the point in bringing extra pressure into the family for money that is negligible. This is why women are SAHMs very often and it’s gone way past the point of being reliant on a single income or source of money. It’s wrong to assume SAHMs are stupid and vulnerable because they don’t have a job.

I realise I have talked about money now and I feel as if I shouldn’t have done that, so I apologise. I will name change after this anyway, so it’s irrelevant. I just get tired of being told by strangers that SAHMs must be financially vulnerable, “wait til he huggers off” etc etc. Some will be, for sure, but many will not and it’s definitely not inevitable. If a woman on here states she is not financially vulnerable, that should be enough and she shouldn’t have to go details or be patronised as naive.

If you can afford a cleaner I'd get one in my opinion. If he doesn't see the mess he probably won't clean to your standards and it's probably a fight waiting to happen. I am curious what he does all day while kids are at school though? Surely he could spend a little time on it?

@lookylookyhooky What exactly is marriage for?

I've got it!!! Marry a wealthy man, hope he never screws you over (I mean financially, the other is potentially forgivable right?) and you'll never have to work again!

@5zeds Your comment doesnt quite make sense?

@zaima Ah fair enough if you're happy with that. Have you never had any career aspirations of your own (genuine question)?

@Dontknowowt stability

Yes I expect it’s hard for you to understand @Dontknowowt

I was married for a decade! What stability did it offer? Nada.

@5zeds I mean your sentence doesn't make grammatical sense?

@Dontknowowt well you must have signed a prenup then or been married to someone without much money to begin with.

“Have you never had any career aspirations of your own (genuine question)?”

Fair enough question. I was never motivated by money or corporate success as some are, no. I never defined myself by a job title. Mainly, I think I am motivated by people, so in my 20s I worked in child protection. I had a degree in psychology and another post-grad qualification and did a part-time masters while I was working. But I had kids at the ages of 30, 32, 34 and 36, so I was 40 by the time the youngest was in school. I never missed working in that decade because it was a privilege to be with my own kids, rather than have to deal with some of the horrific child protection issues I’d been involved in before. I never used any help in the form of childminders, nannies or family because I didn’t feel the need. I may still return into working as a child psychotherapist in the next few years because that would be a new challenge for me into my 50s. Nothing is set in stone, so who knows?

[quote Dontknowowt]@PerspicaciousGreen And of course, he'd NEVER leave you [/quote]
Glad we're on the same page at last I'm so glad you know my marriage as well as I do

Anyway, the half of the joint savings which are in my name (ISAs, mostly) would support me and the kids for several years while I found a suitable job. Fascinating how many posters on Mumsnet are determined to believe that all SAHMs are basically bimbos. Too thick to understand finances, too thick to marry a decent man, too thick to have any intellectual life except that which they're being paid for.

@lookylookyhooky Nope, very wealthy. Gave assets to his brother and started his own business. There are ways of getting out of it.

I think he should yes.