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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask SAHD to clean?

204 replies

RunningAtStuff · 08/05/2021 21:20

I work FT and my OH is a SAHD, we have three DCs, two at primary, one just at secondary and eldest has additional needs.
Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.
Now schools are open again but I’m still wfh I don’t want a cleaner - it feels lazy (and I’m a little bit Covid paranoid about having someone in the house). But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends. OH does all the cooking, kids stuff and we share the laundry.
AIBU to ask him to do the cleaning too and not pay for a cleaner? It feels like he just doesn’t notice when things are dirty and is comfortable with a higher level of chaos than I am, so I feel like it’s my problem and therefore my job to do. I do want him to have a break and time to himself and I know the time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long so maybe it’s unrealistic?

OP posts:
Sadieeloise5687 · 08/05/2021 22:28

Of not or

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 23:31

In terms of getting a cleaner surely it depends on finances. If they could very easily afford it, definitely get one. If it would be a stretch and mean they miss out on other family treats I can see why it would make sense for DH to do it while the kids are at school. It doesn't sound like he's deliberately lazy, he just is less bothered by mess than OP. I don't think it's a big deal at all for OP to just bring up that it would be good if certain things got done during the week (e.g. laundry, hoovering once a week, kitchen mopped etc).

Pinkyavocado · 08/05/2021 23:52

I’m a sahm. I do all the cleaning . I still have plenty of time in the day. Our house is quite big , it takes 2 hours maximum a day that’s with ironing. My husband works 10/12 hours a day, there’s no way I’d expect him to do housework. He does stuff at the weekends like windows and mowing and cleans up if he’s made food but the majority falls to me.

DungeonKeeper · 09/05/2021 00:12

If he’s got 5 days a week for 6 hours a day to himself then yes he should be doing the cleaning. He doesn’t need to do a full clean everyday!

Weekends I would think everyday stuff can be done by both of you, any washing, cooking, general tidying up, surely?

I work part time and clean the house on my day off so we don’t have to do it on the weekend.

OverTheRubicon · 09/05/2021 06:13

@shouldistop

Surely he should get a job now that all the DC are at school...

A 10am til 2pm term time one that can fit in with their disabled child's needs? I'm sure he'll just magic that right up after being out of the workplace for however long caring for their children.

Op he should definitely be doing the housework / laundry etc while the kids are all at school. Even taking school runs into account he has 4 hours a day of free time to do it.

2pm? I'd assume that OP's child is a little closer than 1.5 hours away. Additional needs also does not necessarily or even often mean profound disabilities to the point that working or childcare is impossible - it certainly can, but surely more likely that OP would have included this.

I do know from experience that a school day can go fast, but this sounds unfair - and reflects what I see with most of my friends with SAHDs, that they are essentially childcare only and don't do half the stuff that sahms do.

shouldistop · 09/05/2021 06:16

2pm? I'd assume that OP's child is a little closer than 1.5 hours away. Additional needs also does not necessarily or even often mean profound disabilities to the point that working or childcare is impossible - it certainly can, but surely more likely that OP would have included this.

Schools here finish at 3. It obviously might be possible for ops dh to get a job but op didn't mention that she'd like him to. My post that you quoted was in response to someone saying that surely he'd get a job now the kids were at school, as if it was very easy to magic up a suitable job.

Trixie78 · 09/05/2021 06:20

@JackANackAnoreeee

Just ask if he has time to do xyz while the kids are at school as it makes it hard for you to relax on the evening. Don't micromanage though.
This is micromanaging 😂😂😂
Orangebug · 09/05/2021 06:29

IMO a SAHP with all the kids at school should be doing all the cleaning. Unless you can easily afford a cleaner, in which case why not get one. I don't see it as lazy to pay someone to do the jobs you hate!

andivfmakes3 · 09/05/2021 06:55

time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long

What SIX whole hours? He should be doing the cleaning

Oh and I bet this is a reverse or something and it's actually the OP who is a STAHM and her husband wants her to clean when the kids are at school 🤔

DeciduousPerennial · 09/05/2021 07:04

3 kids. One with additional needs. One in year 1 and the eldest in secondary school? So potentially 2 school runs?

I’ve done SAHM with kids in 2 schools and additional needs, and I’ve done FT work. By the time you’ve sorted out various things, and you factor in that your day fundamentally isn’t your own because the time in the middle is bookended by the school runs, those free hours don’t seem to go far. If you’re not a fan, cleaning can always get sidelined (in terms of quality of job, or actually doing it) in favour of the list of errands that need doing to avoid having to do them at the weekend, or the weekly shop, etc etc etc.

Get the cleaner. You’ll never be satisfied with his ‘standards’ otherwise because he doesn’t see that it needs doing, and he’s going to end up feeling like ‘the help’ - you had one before, you’re just going back to the status quo. Divide up the weekend grunt work equally, keep the current things divided as they are, and just make sure that the general day to day grub is kept on top of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2021 07:10

It’s not happening so if you can afford it, pay for the cleaner. If not, have a sit down together and discuss a solution, which works better for the 2 of you.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 07:11

Surely he should get a job now that all the DC are at school...

A 10am til 2pm term time one that can fit in with their disabled child's needs?

School drop offs are typically 8.45 or so and rarely before 3pm, and lots of parents of children with additional needs use childcare. It really depends on the nature of their needs.

It's not an absurd question to ask, it's not typical in the uk to have a parent sat at home 30 hours a week when children are at school. Most will work at least part time.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/05/2021 07:12

Op if you get the cleaner he needs to get a job to pay it.

pinksnowball · 09/05/2021 07:18

If you can afford it then there's no harm in getting a cleaner.

To be honest though I don't really understand why a SAHP with school age kids can't get pretty much all of the errands/chores/cleaning done during school hours.

I work 4 days a week and my DH works 5 and we are constantly run ragged. Threads like these make me feel a bit better to be honest, because if even families with a SAHP can't keep on top of stuff it's no wonder we find it so hard.

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2021 07:20

It sounds easiest to just have a cleaner again

CarlottaValdez · 09/05/2021 07:29

My DH is a SAHD and he does everything except cooking (if I’m at home). So he does all cleaning, laundry and sorting bills and stuff, shopping for food and DS’ clothes and so on.

Where I observe a difference between out set up and families I know with a SAHM is that at the weekend I spend every minute with DS (because I want to!). Men seem to want to spend lots of their free time doing a hobby or something. So DH gets the weekend pretty much to himself if he wants.

MrsTroutfire · 09/05/2021 07:35

@UserAtRandom

Can you afford a cleaner?

If this was a SAHM posting that she hated cleaning and they could easily afford a cleaner, everyone would be telling her to go for it, life was too short, if her husband didn't like it he could do the cleaning himself ...

This is what I secretly thought to myself. And how usually the working partner is viewed on here as the privileged one who gets to enjoy the bliss of office life whilst having their career 'facilitated' by the sacrifices of their partner at home.
MRex · 09/05/2021 07:41

If you can afford it then get a cleaner and ask him to pick up other slack (shopping, cooking, washing-up, laundry etc) that falls outside the cleaner time. That's the easiest way to get you both comfortable with more time to relax.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 09/05/2021 07:42

I don’t see why you need a cleaner tbh. He’s at home without the children for 6 hours a day, what is he doing during those hours?

I’m a SAHM but I have a toddler and baby to contend with all day as well as primary school DC. I still do 95% of the housework! Your DH doesn’t even have children at home all day with him so he can definitely do some cleaning.

OverTheRubicon · 09/05/2021 07:43

@MrsTroutfire I work full time and have been a sahp and found being a sahp infinitely easier for me personally and for the family, even with small DCs and an unengaged DH - I also don't buy into some of the self-sacrificing sahm stuff on here.

Nevertheless, if there was a sahm posting that she did all the cleaning herself in the week and managed everything else for the family, and hated cleaning, then I'd also say to get a cleaner. Similarly if OP's DH was taking on the load already.

It's different when the sahp is just taking the 4-6 hours of leisure time a day and letting the working partner have to use their weekends for cleaning, it speaks to a really selfish approach. As with @CarlottaValdez, even the most dedicated SAHDs or part time working dads I know still manage to have a very good chunk of leisure time during the week or on weekends, often more than their working wives, so it's not a surprise - but he needs to find a way to make it fairer.

MrsTroutfire · 09/05/2021 07:44

In all seriousness though, I think a big part of attaining equality is to destigmatise men being SAHP. It's a bit rich to all jump on a man for not working when the kids are at school when loads of women never return to full time employment even when the kids are grown - usually because the husband 'earns enough'.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 09/05/2021 07:47

Just get a cleaner again.
I worked from home, three kids and we could do the cleaning, but we would have a lot less quality time with the kids on the weekend if we did.
Cleaner all the way.

SimonJT · 09/05/2021 07:49

Get a cleaner, most people who have them don’t need them, we both work part time, we dislike cleaning and can’t really be bothered to do it, so we pay a cleaner to do it for us.

I do think the person who demands the higher standard should be the one to either clean to that standard themselves or to hire someone who meets that standard.

MrsTroutfire · 09/05/2021 07:50

@MrsTroutfireI work full time and have been a sahp and found being a sahp infinitely easier for me personally and for the family, even with small DCs and an unengaged DH - I also don't buy into some of the self-sacrificing sahm stuff on here.

That's pretty much what my sister said and she has three kids (although she does now work part time again in her old job).

Obviously, some children require much more attention than others, but I do sometimes wonder if many of the people claiming that being a SAHP is harder have ever actually had a stressful senior management position. I often reflect that many got pregnant in their late 20s whilst still in lower/middle management and ten years later have no idea what the job that their husband does actually entails.

fishonabicycle · 09/05/2021 07:51

Your husband should definitely be doing the cleaning with 3 children at school. That is a massive amount of free time.

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