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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask SAHD to clean?

204 replies

RunningAtStuff · 08/05/2021 21:20

I work FT and my OH is a SAHD, we have three DCs, two at primary, one just at secondary and eldest has additional needs.
Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.
Now schools are open again but I’m still wfh I don’t want a cleaner - it feels lazy (and I’m a little bit Covid paranoid about having someone in the house). But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends. OH does all the cooking, kids stuff and we share the laundry.
AIBU to ask him to do the cleaning too and not pay for a cleaner? It feels like he just doesn’t notice when things are dirty and is comfortable with a higher level of chaos than I am, so I feel like it’s my problem and therefore my job to do. I do want him to have a break and time to himself and I know the time the kids are actually at school isn’t that long so maybe it’s unrealistic?

OP posts:
paralysedbyinertia · 09/05/2021 10:55

The OP is lucky she has a husband who is prepared to be a SAHP and she’d probably have a shock if he did go back to work.

I think that really depends on the extent to which the OP feels that they actually need a SAHP, why that SAHP is her DH etc.

If it's necessary for their family to have a SAHP due to the eldest child's additional needs or some other circumstance, then yes, she may be lucky that her DH is willing to do it. Then again, it might be that she'd have really liked to SAH herself but didn't have that opportunity because she was the higher earner.

It's possible that the DH being a SAHP was a financial necessity because he earned less than childcare costs. In that situation, I don't think his low earning potential would make her lucky.

If having a SAHP isn't actually necessary for the family for practical or financial reasons, but is rather just a lifestyle choice, then it needs to be a choice that benefits both parents. If the DH isn't picking up afair share of the workload, and the OP is having to carry the financial burden and do all the cleaning while the DH has loads of leisure time and very little pressure, I don't think I would regard OP as lucky at all.

The division of labour needs to work for both parents. It doesn't sound like it's working for the OP right now.

5zeds · 09/05/2021 12:40

Yes but it isn’t really a division of Labour discussion. Neither adult wants to do the cleaning. Why are the funds that used to be available to outsource no longer there?

Liliolla · 09/05/2021 13:01

This reply has been deleted

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Dobbyisahouseelf · 09/05/2021 13:21

Any SAHP with all the children at school should be doing the majority of housework and admin during the week.

At the weekend jobs should be split more evenly.

OverTheRubicon · 09/05/2021 14:12

@5zeds

Yes but it isn’t really a division of Labour discussion. Neither adult wants to do the cleaning. Why are the funds that used to be available to outsource no longer there?
Maybe because he's stopped working?

No adult in a partnership with kids should also have 20-30 extra leisure hours per week either.

Badgerlock42 · 09/05/2021 14:17

But I’m doing most of (all) the cleaning at weekends

How is it that a full-time SAHD cannot ensure that the house is clean enough for his working wife to relax in at the weekends?

I appreciate that you have an additional needs child too, & if that causes a huge workload for the main childcare provider, I'm happy to wind my beak in ... & sure, he should get some downtime on evenings & weekends.
But so should you OP!
& running around all w/e doing housework is pretty joyless when you work f-t the other 5 days.

MrsWooster · 09/05/2021 14:26

Doing an hour a day housework is not unreasonable to ask of someone who doesn’t work outside the home. It’s the sweat equity contribution to the family finances.

MrsTroutfire · 09/05/2021 15:06

Interesting how work is a 'financial burden' when a woman does it but is a privilege when the man does. 🤔

UserAtRandom · 09/05/2021 15:38

No adult in a partnership with kids should also have 20-30 extra leisure hours per week either.

But that is the norm for any family where there is a SAHP and the DC are at school. I know very many SAHMs in that situation where they have a cleaner as they see their role as "looking after the children" and don't see why they should have to do all the cleaning.

TBH this boils down to:
Does the family have enough money for a cleaner without having to cut back on other things? If they do, they should get one.
If they don't then DH needs to agree to a minimum level of cleaning each day, as the person with more leisure time. Or the family needs to rethink the SAHP arrangement.

5zeds · 09/05/2021 16:32

@OverTheRubicon Maybe because he's stopped working?

I don’t see that he’s stopped working, the OP said

Before lockdown we had a cleaner once a week. Through lockdown we were dividing all chores as he was doing home schooling and I was working long hours from home.

It sounds like OP just thinks he could squeeze in a bit more work possibly because the youngest is now in reception. I expect she’s not commuting now so she could do a little more too. Sounds like she needs to renegotiate.

paralysedbyinertia · 09/05/2021 16:43

Of course it's about the division of labour. The OP was happy to pay for a cleaner before, when her OH was busy looking after their pre-school child, but now that child is in school, he has a lot more time on his hands. He still needs to pull his weight and do his fair share of the work, so he can either go back to work and pay for a cleaner, or he can continue to SAH and do the cleaning himself. It isn't fair for him to expect the OP to pay for a cleaner while he sits around and does whatever he fancies - that would be taking the piss, frankly.

TillyTopper · 09/05/2021 16:45

My DP was a SAHD for quite a while, we just got a cleaner. Far easier than arguing about it!

5zeds · 09/05/2021 16:51

They are both paying for it, their money is BOTH of theirs.

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 16:54

@5zeds

Yes but it isn’t really a division of Labour discussion. Neither adult wants to do the cleaning. Why are the funds that used to be available to outsource no longer there?
I don't think the funds are not longer there or at least that's not what I understood.

My understanding is that now the OP is working from home, she doesn't really want someone comiong to do the clening whilst she wprks + covid and having someone from the outside coming in + it feels lazy.

Tbh, I think the 'lazy' part only applies if the DH has 4 hours free everyday of the week. The OP hasn't said what her DH does during school hours so it's hard to tell whether she should just swallow it up or not.
What is true is that, atm, the set up is such that it's the OP who is inconvenienced. Either she is cleaning at the weekend or she has someone in when she is working.

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 16:55

@TillyTopper

My DP was a SAHD for quite a while, we just got a cleaner. Far easier than arguing about it!
I would agree with you.

But I find it funny and NO ONE ever takes that position when it's a woman who is a SAHM. Instead we have losts of discussion on its her responsibility, how her dH is tired coming back home and she nees to give him some slack and the likes Hmm

RosesAndHellebores · 09/05/2021 17:00

Hmm. I only had one year with both DC at school before I went back to work, part-time at first. I have always had a cleaner.

To be fair that year I was helping with reading an afternoon a week, running Sunday School, chaired the PTA. Cleaner did 4 hours pw in a largish house - all floors/vacuuming, dusting and damp wiping.

I did all shopping, cooking, weeding, child related stuff, laundry, etc. I knew I had to get a job when I started wiping the stainless steel appliances with a damp sponge and a few drops of baby oil and started leaving early for the afternoon pick-up in the hope there would be another mum waiting so I could talk to a grown up.

paralysedbyinertia · 09/05/2021 17:04

@5zeds

They are both paying for it, their money is BOTH of theirs.
Yes, I agree with the concept of family money, but only if both partners are pulling their weight in a way that is mutually accepted as fair. It sounds like the OP felt that things were fair before the youngest child started school, but that things now need to be reviewed and renegotiated in order to find that balance again.

For a relationship with one SAHP and one WOHP to work, neither partner can define the SAHP role without the other's agreement. If they can't reach a mutually acceptable compromise, then they have to revert to the default in which they both work and share housework/childcare equally.

RachelRaven · 09/05/2021 17:05

Im interested if the dh is actually doing the lion-share of the parenting. The appointments, including making them, the hair cuts, the sorting old and buying new clothes, the parties, the playdates, the homework etc etc.

If he actually is being a decent sahp, and the children always have clean uniform etc, id get the cleaner anyway.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 09/05/2021 17:18

Does your child with additional needs have lots of night time care needs? If so, how does this care get split? If SAHP is doing most night wakes then they should rest during school hours. Equally, paperwork for many children with SEN is very time consuming and way above normal life admin.

5zeds · 09/05/2021 17:23

What are you doing with the commute time and money you now save by working from home @RunningAtStuff? It sounds like the landscape of your resources has changed, rather than dh is shirking.

5zeds · 09/05/2021 17:26

PP’s comment about Sen paperwork is very true. It’s much much more than people realise. At least a days work a week for me last year.

fishonabicycle · 09/05/2021 17:28

I think that generally a stay at home parent (particularly when the children are school age) should be doing the bloody housework! Otherwise the balance of free time is totally unequal!

quizqueen · 09/05/2021 17:43

You work full time for pay. As the SAHD, he should work the same hours on household and kids' stuff. Then evenings and weekends chores are shared equally but the majority should have been done anyway during the weekly school hours in order to free up spare time for both of you in the evenings and weekends.

CovidSmart · 09/05/2021 17:57

@5zeds

What are you doing with the commute time and money you now save by working from home *@RunningAtStuff*? It sounds like the landscape of your resources has changed, rather than dh is shirking.
Not everyone has saved money and/or time from wfh. DH certainly hasn’t
5zeds · 09/05/2021 18:06

Well obviously not @CovidSmart but frankly if you paid for your commute and spent time doing it previously you presumably have more money and time. If you previously wfh or walked a short distance to work then nothing has changed on that front (I would suggest that’s a small group of people).