I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

[Besswess88]

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

I was pissed off thar he made them wash up what wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher when we normally just leave it for the next load.

But go ahead and twist what I have actually said

My kids always had to help out around the house and much in.

@Besswess88

I was pissed off thar he made them wash up what wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher when we normally just leave it for the next load.

But go ahead and twist what I have actually said

My kids always had to help out around the house and much in.

I’m not twisting anything. You were practically calling childline when your resident children were asked to wash some pots because the dishwasher was full, yet on the other hand, are completely disgusted by four cups being left out by your step daughter who is there four days a month!

I actually think you are being unreasonable nagging him to stop his daughter using her phone when it's fine for your son to use screens? And I also think it is crazy unreasonable to expect her to ask before she makes a drink in her father's home! No wonder she's upstairs on her phone, probably feels awkward and unwelcome!

My son is an adult and is a Uni so does not live here.

When my children did live here he would moan about them being online (when it was never constant) and switch off and hide the router.

His children have unlimited screen time.

I wouldn’t ask her to ask for a drink had she not gone through a 500g tub of Cadbury’s hot chocolate in one day.

@TatianaBis

Yup I think that’s the key. The father (and step mother) need to address over eating, not just ban them from the cupboards, which is going to compound their unhealthy relationship.

OP can’t do that on her own, DP refuses to engage if you read her posts.

They’re allowed to help themselves at mealtimes, it’s the endless snacking at issue. They have such an unhealthy relationship food already, I don’t think being requested to ask for snacks will make much difference to that. It goes way deeper.

Even if the father tried to address it the mother clearly lets them eat anything at home, and sends them loaded with snacks. It would be hard to address the destructive food habits every other weekend.

I agree. I would leave it to their mother and father and not get involved OP.

@Besswess88

My son is an adult and is a Uni so does not live here.

When my children did live here he would moan about them being online (when it was never constant) and switch off and hide the router.

His children have unlimited screen time.

I wouldn’t ask her to ask for a drink had she not gone through a 500g tub of Cadbury’s hot chocolate in one day.

You’ve mentioned the hot chocolate already and to be honest it sounds like you’ve shamed her for it. If her mother and father don’t have a problem with it, and it’s only for a few days a month I’d probably just let it go. Yes it’s absolutely galling that he treats them differently from your own children, but to be honest that’s on you and you should have properly addressed that bad treatment at the time. It sounds like you let it go and now realise that you shouldn’t have.

So why don’t you switch off and hide the router? I would be totally unable to accept the hypocrisy there.

@timeisnotaline

So why don’t you switch off and hide the router? I would be totally unable to accept the hypocrisy there.

What and punish the kids to make a point??

@timeisnotaline

So why don’t you switch off and hide the router? I would be totally unable to accept the hypocrisy there.

Because that just punishes the kids for his inability or unwillingness to put boundaries in place with his own kids, he does have an issue with the food thing but he is almost reticent to get involved and asks me to say something, I sometimes do very nicely (and no I have never “shamed” them for anything ) but it’s really not my place to although it is my home too, so I either turn into the wicked sleep mother or I seethe inwardly (at the lack of boundaries which I am a firm believer in and I think give kids respect, security and make them actually feel loved) and moan on here about it 🤣

The unfairness would bother me.

I guess I’d recommend going out as much as possible to avoid having to think about it. I’d also buy in lots of hot chocolate, milk and whatever they like. Maybe if you change the rule book you might feel more in control/involved?

@Greenmarmalade

The unfairness would bother me.

I guess I’d recommend going out as much as possible to avoid having to think about it. I’d also buy in lots of hot chocolate, milk and whatever they like. Maybe if you change the rule book you might feel more in control/involved?

Yes I see your point but as a responsible loving adult in a child’s life it goes against my moral fibre to enable her to make unhealthy choices, I feel like someone should be guiding her and it saddens me to see her weight ballooning, as I think she is conscious of it which is crap for her self esteem (again I have never once mentioned it).

@SunIsComing

You’re a bit nuts.... why should they ask for food every time. Using all the milk is annoying, but they are kids. Being in screens, sadly normal. Yabu

Doesn't it depend on what the food is that they are helping themselves to?

I grew up in a family with a weekly food budget and my Mum would buy enough for everyone but also specific things for cooking certain meals. I knew that I could help myself to milk, fruit etc whenever I wanted to but I needed to ask about the cheese for example because she might be saving 4oz for a pasta dish and if I ate it all up in snacks then it ruined her food planning and budgeting.

I was shocked when I first had stepkids and they were allowed to graze on any food all the time. It meant having to constantly wrap and label or even hide stuff so that I could plan for meals.

When my DD was born my stepkids are adults and out of the house so I now insist on a similar system to the one I grew up with. Some things are always available - fruit, milk, carrot sticks etc but other food needs to be checked about - as well as double checking when it gets close to meal times.

My kids always asked before they helped themselves to food. Purely as a courtesy to make sure they weren't eating something I'd planned to use our had bought for myself. The answer was virtually always a yes (with maybe a 'remember we're eating in an hour so don't stuff yourself!' occasionally). It was very casual and not really about permission. And of course there were simple rules like 'always check before you use the last of...' which applied to us parents too.

Yes this is exactly it, and she has 2 sugars in a hot chocolate and yes I do not want to be cooking for people who are not hungry.

I was also brought up like this and we were not really allowed to snack a lot, we ate at mealtimes (admittedly I had “older” parents who grew up during/after WW2 and were rationed.

@Greenmarmalade

The unfairness would bother me.

I guess I’d recommend going out as much as possible to avoid having to think about it. I’d also buy in lots of hot chocolate, milk and whatever they like. Maybe if you change the rule book you might feel more in control/involved?

I think this is a good idea - take control of it and if you don’t feel comfortable get things that are a bit more health conscious: ‘DSD I know you like hot chocolate so I’ve bought this options one for us to try - it’s a bit less sugary. I’ve also bought Almond milk for a change- let me know what you think of it!’

They're only there for four days a month, so I really think you could find solutions that don't leave you seething.

Couldn't you put the stuff they're allowed in one cupboard or one shelf of the fridge or something? They can help themselves but you won't replace it when it's gone.

It's difficult because some of the things you are cross about make you sound really mean, so it muddies the water and makes me wonder whether there's another side to the story about your complaints that seem legitimate.

Yes we tried Almond milk but she didn’t like it (tbf considering how much more it’s costs and how much she drinks ..😂😂)

@sunshinesontv

They're only there for four days a month, so I really think you could find solutions that don't leave you seething.

Couldn't you put the stuff they're allowed in one cupboard or one shelf of the fridge or something? They can help themselves but you won't replace it when it's gone.

It's difficult because some of the things you are cross about make you sound really mean, so it muddies the water and makes me wonder whether there's another side to the story about your complaints that seem legitimate.

Agreed, don't think anyone is coming out of this looking like parent or child of the year.

Agreed, don't think anyone is coming out of this looking like parent or child of the year

Whoever does? Being a step parent is a bloody minefield, as is I am sure being a step child.

All I can do is like anything, do my best and muddle though 🤷‍♀️

All of this 'modelling healthy eating' is nonsense if they spend 27 days every month in a house where the rules are different - you are not going to change them in any meaningful way

Yep. In afraid you're on a hiding to nothing if you want to change their overall eating habits.

But that doesn't mean they have carte blanche to eat stuff that is intended for another meal, or means you'll run out.

but as a responsible loving adult in a child’s life it goes against my moral fibre to enable her to make unhealthy choices, I feel like someone should be guiding her and it saddens me to see her weight ballooning, as I think she is conscious of it which is crap for her self esteem (again I have never once mentioned it).

I can emphasize- I have a difficult balance to strike with my own teenager on this one.

I do feel that in your situation, you’re not the right person to have to navigate and deal with this though. It absolutely has to be her mother. Continuing to think and worry about it (and it’s obvious you are coming at it from a caring perspective) will break down any positivity in their time with you, and make you stressed. I’d try to consciously take a step back from it.

@Rookw

She make herself a hot drink without asking? I’m not reading anymore, YABU.

Sugary drinks - so I'm assuming hot chocolate or similar? Using all the milk is the issue and high sugar consumption.

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’ve posted about milk issues before. You need to start freezing some.

He’s not going to change. You always sound miserable. He’s selfish. You think he’s a terrible father. You’re regularly infuriated by your step kids.

It’s not about milk. Or drinks. Or snack food. It’s your basic incompatibility as people and you’d all be better off if you split up. You could be happier and less stressed. Why not choose that?

Well said.

*You’ve posted about milk issues before. You need to start freezing some.

He’s not going to change. You always sound miserable. He’s selfish. You think he’s a terrible father. You’re regularly infuriated by your step kids.

It’s not about milk. Or drinks. Or snack food. It’s your basic incompatibility as people and you’d all be better off if you split up. You could be happier and less stressed. Why not choose that*

No I have not “posted before” and thanks stranger on the internet for your absolutely judgemental assassination of my life.

Did you even think before you posted that?

@Besswess88

I have had those conversations it’s falls on deaf ears, I am also absolutely paranoid about body shaming them or making them feel bad, so no I am not shaming then.

From a practical POV if I go food shopping for the week and buy stiff for all my own lunches in the week and by Sunday night I discover that’s all gone not only is it annoying it has a financial implication too.

We were out yesterday and DSD1 stayed hone got a few hours alone, she had 4 mugs of hot chocolate in 2 hours (obviously we were not there to ask).

You need to shop for the week after they go. Keep minimal in the fridge the weekends they stay and only gave things you are happy for them to eat. Get in sugar free hot chocolate or reduce amount in tub so it's only enough for the weekend.