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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 09/05/2021 06:48

This sounds a bit tit for tat. He should parent his kids & you, yours.

MinnieJackson · 09/05/2021 07:29

Do they have sugar in their tea and coffee? If they're having tonnes then I don't think it's unfair to restrict that, but...for four days a month their food issues aren't going to improve. It needs to be consistent between both houses and if thats not possible i think I'd just leave it and try to ignore it.

Billandben444 · 09/05/2021 07:47

Very irritating, I agree, but I'd leave him to get on with it tbh. He's not expecting you to pick up the slack which would be a huge no-no! Breathe deeply, treat them kindly and then wave them off - he's being a Disney dad because he doesn't want to cause arguments and atmospheres whereas with your children he was more confident that his behaviour wouldn't do that. However, if his children ever stay for longer periods then I would tell him beforehand that there will be certain ground rules and remind him what he was like with yours. Pick your battles carefully.

Whatafustercluck · 09/05/2021 08:06

I'm not sure that making the situation his dc versus your dc is going to help anyone op. But you are perfectly entitled to have a say on the things that impact on you when you're all living there. So I'd be suggesting to him that you set some new ground rules, without mentioning the old ones he rigidly stuck to. Tbh I'm not sure I agree with you that they should ask for drinks/ food unless you want them to feel like guests in your house (which I don't think is productive or reasonable when you have step children). But I might ask that when they help themselves to something they should ask you/ their dad if you'd like something too. I'd also be saying that whoever uses the last of something (milk, bread etc) they're expected to replace it (making it clear it's not about money as you're happy to pay for it). Plus any other ground rules (how about phone free points in the day when you all do something together?)

It sounds to me like they're treating the house as a hotel because they're treated like guests in someone else's home, rather than contributing to helping it function as a home for everyone.

But you need to sit down and calmly and constructively suggest these things to, and get agreement from, your dh before going any further. And if he can be the one to lay the ground rules so you don't end up being the evil stepmother then that would be ideal.

AgentJohnson · 09/05/2021 08:41

I do not find it funny that they moved out but they have successful and happy lives and come back all the time so it’s not been an awful thing for them.

It’s just sad that you prioritised him and his ‘rules’ over your children: That misplaced loyalty has now come back to bite you in arse because it was never about rules but a powerplay on his part. He wasn’t part of the reason for your children leaving home sooner rather than later, your decision to prioritise his wants, was.

If I was one of your kids I’d be feeling very smug right now.

Alisesia · 09/05/2021 10:33

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LuaDipa · 09/05/2021 10:38

I would not have allowed anyone to dictate to my own dc how to raise them and if it caused as much of an issue as you indicate it did I would have moved out. I certainly wouldn’t have had them hand washing dishes when they could re-do the dishwasher the next day. You allowed and accepted this so it is on you.

You are both bu expecting his dc to ask for food. Overweight or not, they should feel comfortable to eat and drink what they want. My ds drinks pints of milk, I just buy more. I think it is fundamentally wrong to limit a child’s food intake in this way and they will see the judgement behind it which will not help their self-esteem.

The other issue is that your dh clearly sees your dc as less than his own. That has always been an issue and you have tolerated it. You are blaming his dc but the issue is him. He won’t change so you need to decide if you can live with this or if you want to leave. To be honest he is simply defending his own dc which is only what you should have done. I would have left the first time he treated one of my dc unfairly.

ballsdeep · 09/05/2021 10:42

Op you sound intense
You are making me nervous reading your posts. You clearly don't like them. You say about his kids then in the next breath say my kids do the same but.....

I'm sorry op, I don't think there's anything wrong with children helping themselves to food. You seem in approachable so they probably feel like they can't ask you.

MarkUp · 09/05/2021 10:42

I do actually get it if they are eating huge chunks of your food in one go. DH does this sometimes and will get home from work and just scoff loads of stuff that I've bought for thinks like packed lunches etc... For the week and it really fucking annoys me. So whilst he doesn't have to ask, I do think it's right that you shouldn't just hoover up a load of food without thinking about it and being considerate that someone else will need to buy more if you eat it all.

In that case I don't think it's that unreasonable, if they have no control over how much they eat which it sounds like they don't, to tell them they can't just help themselves.

billy1966 · 09/05/2021 10:51

@Besswess88

My DC did not move out as a direct result of him, both two of them had partners move in first then moved out, it was slightly tongue in cheek. I forget it’s AIBU.
OP, I don't like to question OP's but I don't get the tongue in cheek reference?

You wrote he drove your children out of home.

It's either the truth or a lie?

There is nothing tongue in cheek about it.

It reads to me as if you are back pedalling and he wasn't actually very nice to your children.

It sounds really toxic and as if he wasn't very nice to your children and you massively resent his, perhaps with good reason.

4 days a month isn't a lot.
I think you should suck it up.

After all, you put up with him not being very nice to your poor children.

He sounds awful btw and it certainly reads like the children have been collateral damage in your marriage, particularly yours.

BeneathYourWisdom · 09/05/2021 11:18

I haven’t RTFT but how could she possibly drink 8 pints of milk in one day? Are you sure your husband and stepson hadn’t been using the milk too, or somebody spilled some and didn’t own up?

Holly60 · 09/05/2021 12:17

@TatianaBis

So how would everyone here regulate these kids’ food intake?
Part of the post was about the teenagers having to ask to make a hot drink! Also - when mine were teenagers if I had felt that they weren’t making good food choices over a sustained period of time (having the odd day where they ate lots of junk wasn’t really a worry as long as they made good choices the rest of the time) I would have addressed it with them in conversations about why it’s important to eat well and exercise. I wouldn’t have just made them ask permission for food and drink. That is so counterintuitive.

We didn’t really have huge problems though because we ate meals together so I knew what they were eating then, and didn’t have that much junk in the house. The treats we did have were finite - so they knew I wouldn’t buy any more until the next shop. Of course they could buy their own snacks if they wanted but then they knew that they would have less pocket money for other things. Plus they didn’t bother because they knew they could help themselves to whatever was at home for free! We didn’t create a culture of shame around food- and they never really gave it a second thought.

TatianaBis · 09/05/2021 12:20

We’re not talking about your teens Holly, we’re taking about 2 habitual over-eaters with a father who won’t address healthy eating.

Holly60 · 09/05/2021 12:22

@MarkUp

I do actually get it if they are eating huge chunks of your food in one go. DH does this sometimes and will get home from work and just scoff loads of stuff that I've bought for thinks like packed lunches etc... For the week and it really fucking annoys me. So whilst he doesn't have to ask, I do think it's right that you shouldn't just hoover up a load of food without thinking about it and being considerate that someone else will need to buy more if you eat it all.

In that case I don't think it's that unreasonable, if they have no control over how much they eat which it sounds like they don't, to tell them they can't just help themselves.

I agree this is annoying, but surely it’s more responsible to have a conversation about not being selfish than it is to just ban them from eating food. I am aware that the latter would probably seem easier, because it’s not just going to be one conversation and you will have to model positive behaviour for them. But I think that’s a problem in itself for me, that it just seems kind of lazy parenting to just decide that you are going to make them ask for food, as a solution to what is obviously quite an extreme relationship with food.
Holly60 · 09/05/2021 12:23

@TatianaBis

We’re not talking about your teens Holly, we’re taking about 2 habitual over-eaters with a father who won’t address healthy eating.
Yup I think that’s the key. The father (and step mother) need to address over eating, not just ban them from the cupboards, which is going to compound their unhealthy relationship.
sunshinesontv · 09/05/2021 12:40

I think it's terrible that they are only with you for four days per month, and yet you are complaining about what they eat to the extent that they bring their own snacks from home.

It really is appalling that they have to ask to make a hot drink.

Why on earth does it matter if your dp would rather empty the dishwasher than ask them to do it? As long as it's done, and not by you, who cares?

All of this 'modelling healthy eating' is nonsense if they spend 27 days every month in a house where the rules are different - you are not going to change them in any meaningful way, just make them feel unwelcome and everyone miserable.

Buy snacks for them, buy a carton of hot chocolate for them, buy whatever they usually eat/drink, show them where it is and make it clear that when it's gone it's gone.

TatianaBis · 09/05/2021 12:49

Yup I think that’s the key. The father (and step mother) need to address over eating, not just ban them from the cupboards, which is going to compound their unhealthy relationship.

OP can’t do that on her own, DP refuses to engage if you read her posts.

They’re allowed to help themselves at mealtimes, it’s the endless snacking at issue. They have such an unhealthy relationship food already, I don’t think being requested to ask for snacks will make much difference to that. It goes way deeper.

Even if the father tried to address it the mother clearly lets them eat anything at home, and sends them loaded with snacks. It would be hard to address the destructive food habits every other weekend.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 09/05/2021 12:54

I have had those conversations it’s falls on deaf ears, I am also absolutely paranoid about body shaming them or making them feel bad, so no I am not shaming then.

From a practical POV if I go food shopping for the week and buy stiff for all my own lunches in the week and by Sunday night I discover that’s all gone not only is it annoying it has a financial implication too.

We were out yesterday and DSD1 stayed hone got a few hours alone, she had 4 mugs of hot chocolate in 2 hours (obviously we were not there to ask).

OP posts:
bluegreygreen · 09/05/2021 13:13

I can understand some of the frustrations.

However, who on earth counts how many hot drinks someone has had? And when you're not even in the house to notice?

Original poster
Besswess88 · 09/05/2021 13:20

Because she used a new cup every fucking time...

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/05/2021 13:23

I suppose the point where you count is when 8 pints of milk and a 500g tin of hot chocolate are empty in a day or so!

They have such a serious eating disorder. Why can't your partner see that and try to deal with it?

I wouldn't be bothered about them emptying the dishwasher etc as they are guests rather than residents. Not that they should be guests, but they visit so little that technically they are.

SpeedRunParent · 09/05/2021 13:23

I'm totally with you OP. I had a bit of a petty nightmare of a step-dad. Mum did her best to buffer between us but it was difficult for her.
All my kids ask if it's okay to help themselves to stuff unless they know it is designated snacking food ( cooked chicken / falafels / whatever). They wouldn't dream of finishing something without letting me know so I can put more on my shopping list and they know sweets / cake / biscuits are limited and must be agreed to ( they would happily eat chocolate for breakfast otherwise).
YANBU, your DH has double standards.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 09/05/2021 13:38

It’s funny how, according to MN, this is their home but they are also guests .. which is it?

I don’t see any harm at all in cleaning up after oneself. DH and I are not their slaves and this is not a hotel.

OP posts:
DuncinToffee · 09/05/2021 13:43

You have posted about this issue before and nothing ever changes, so you either put up with it for 4 days or you split.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/05/2021 13:54

@Besswess88

It’s funny how, according to MN, this is their home but they are also guests .. which is it?

I don’t see any harm at all in cleaning up after oneself. DH and I are not their slaves and this is not a hotel.

Really? Because you were really outraged when he told your children to wash some pots

I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

You don’t like him or his children.