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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 18:36

@katy1213

It's no skin off your nose if his kids grow up to be obese. And if he chooses to do their chores - well, as long as you don't have to, so what! Order an extra pint of milk and calm down.
But it is, because I love and care for them and they deserve better.
OP posts:
Rookw · 08/05/2021 18:39

She make herself a hot drink without asking? I’m not reading anymore, YABU.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 18:41

If someone has proven that they have no self control with food and drink then yes they have to ask, why should we have to go through a weeks worth budget of food/snacks drink because someone is eating/drinking unreasonable amounts?

OP posts:
Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 18:43

I don’t ask at my parents and I’m 41. I just go and help myself. Is it not normal to relax the rules as you go down the children? It sounds like you’re interfering. Could you not have gone to daughter to tell her she’d used all the milk and ask her to go to the shop with you?

Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 18:44

Your making it more appealing by the fact they need permission to have it. Just have healthy stuff in that they can help themselves to.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 18:47

@Fixitup2

I don’t ask at my parents and I’m 41. I just go and help myself. Is it not normal to relax the rules as you go down the children? It sounds like you’re interfering. Could you not have gone to daughter to tell her she’d used all the milk and ask her to go to the shop with you?
Yes but at 41 you probably wouldn’t eat a packet of 10 twix’s or 20 cheese strings in one sitting would you? Or a bunch of 5 bananas.
OP posts:
Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 18:51

No because we’ve never had crisps or biscuits in the house. But as a teen I never gorged so much but by taking away their control you could be driving the gorging.

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 18:54

Bloody hell his teenage kids can't help themselves to food in their dad's house? That is weirdly controlling. I'm not sure why you had that rule for their sets of kids. (Obviously I wouldn't expect teenagers to cook a sirloin steak for breakfast without asking but it's insane they can't grab a snack).

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 18:54

The gorging happens at the house they live in usually.

We control it by asking that they ask before snacking.

OP posts:
Thatisnotwhatisaid · 08/05/2021 18:55

yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

This raised an eyebrow. You actually let this man drive your children out of their home? And you’re with this tosser why exactly?

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 18:56

Yes but at 41 you probably wouldn’t eat a packet of 10 twix’s or 20 cheese strings in one sitting would you? Or a bunch of 5 bananas.

If his kids eat that much they clearly have issues with food. These issues won't be solved by treating them like toddlers who have to ask if they're allowed a snack. DH should be concerned about the ver eating (as he should be concerned if they were undereating) but there are clearly psychological issues at play they need addressing. You can't simply stop them from eating at their age.

Rookw · 08/05/2021 18:56

What strikes me:

Running out of milk and there never being any when you want some is par for the course in a large family and no big deal (unless you live in the arse end of nowhere).

They’re clearly your anal rules (based on your attitude to food and screen time). DH would have felt he had to apply them because they were your DC.

When DH was applying the anal rules in a way that was hounding your kids out of the house, you did nothing about it.

You now want DH to apply your anal rules to his kids - when they’re not permanent visitors, understandable he doesn’t want their every moment regulated.

Strict regulation of access to food is not the only way to encourage healthy eating habits in children (in fact quite the reverse).

Why can’t you just talk to him about it all?

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 18:56

Food issues aside it sounds like your DH was a dick to your kids so he doesn't win any prizes here.

Nicknacky · 08/05/2021 18:57

Would you say no if they asked for several teas/coffees during the course of a visit?

Icancelledthecheque · 08/05/2021 18:58

I get where you’re coming from OP. The DC aren’t the problem, your DHs reaction and hypocrisy is the issue. He treated your kids like second class citizens and treats his own like the sun shines out of their backsides.

My DH was similar with his kids and it drove me mad. I told him his lack of parenting was deeply unattractive and he isn’t their to be their best friend, he’s there to be a bloody parent and mould them into decent human beings! He didn’t like it one bit, but after several conversations he did eventually get the issue and take it on board... he’s so much better now and actually gets the kids to help around the house and doesn’t expect me to wipe their arses 24/7.

That aside, I think there are two things that you need to change. Having to ask for food and drink is just controlling and unnecessary. And it also sounds like you didn’t get enough milk/food in for the DC. Obviously you’ll need to plan ahead when you have more people in the house. Just buy more milk and a reasonable supply of snacks for them - once it’s gone, it’s gone, and don’t buy any more. Hopefully they’ll learn portion control by default!

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 18:58

@Besswess88

The gorging happens at the house they live in usually.

We control it by asking that they ask before snacking.

This is clearly stupid and massively counter productive. You must know this. If they're obsessively over eating they need help - not treating like toddlers. Your food hangups are definitely not helping whatever issues these kids have. Doesn't sound like DH is helping either.
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 18:59

Could you buy a bottle of milk that is free for anyone to use without asking? Or a shelf in the fridge with food that is just for eating and a fruit bowl?

Mehoooole · 08/05/2021 19:00

I can't get past the comment about your step daughter having 5 hour drinks without asking. 😮 What a delinquent!

Also, the thing about you catching your DH getting your DC to wash up dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher by hand. I don't even understand what you think you caught. Surely, everybody washes up the dishes that don't fit in a full dishwasher by hand.

ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 19:01

@Besswess88

The gorging happens at the house they live in usually.

We control it by asking that they ask before snacking.

Ah just read this bit sorry. Unfortunately I think the food is something that needs to be addressed at both houses for it to have any impact. But having their own stash of cheap food they can stuff themselves silly with if their dad wants them to be able to might help you?
StealthPolarBear · 08/05/2021 19:03

500g of hot chocolate in a day is binge eating.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 19:04

We had 8 pints yesterday morning, there are 4 of us here and two people had cereal yday and today.

OP posts:
Lou98 · 08/05/2021 19:04

You've said that his behaviour is the main reasons your kids moved out, yet you also want him to treat his kids the same way, just so it's fair?

Why would you want him to treat his kids with the same strictness that drove your kids out your home? Surely it's a good thing he's relaxed a bit, perhaps learnt from that?

Rookw · 08/05/2021 19:05

The binge eating sounds really difficult though. I don’t know how you deal with that. My attitude to junk food has always been, don’t have it in the house - free access to what there was, which sometimes resulted in a kilogram of carrots being eaten or a box of 72 weetabix in a weekend, but that’s cheap to replace, not that alluring and not to much concern from a weight gain point of view!

If the snack food is coming from their other home, then not your problem, you don’t need to regulate it.

username34512875 · 08/05/2021 19:06

“I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself“ .... yet here you are trying to tell him how to raise hisConfused

CombatBarbie · 08/05/2021 19:07

I totally get it, we are now full circle with our own kids and he is so strict and anal with them, however if I dare say "well you let D & E do xyz" he minimises it to the point he believes it never haopened even when I can give multiple examples. Its bloody draining.