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Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 08/05/2021 17:41

Ridiculous to expect teens to have to ask for a drink or something to eat except fruit when they're only there for the weekend. Especially considering they've probably been at school all week so this should be there time to wind down and relax. If they were with you 50/50 you might have a point but then I still think you'd probably be unreasonable.

Holly60 · 08/05/2021 17:44

I think the problem is that you didn’t and don’t agree with his attitude/treatment of your children. To be honest his treatment of his children is irrelevant except to highlight the difference in treatment, and perhaps demonstrate that you were right to dislike how he treated your DC. The anger you are feeling has nothing to do with his own DC. You are feeling angry about how he treats/speaks about your DC. I think you either have to let it go, have it out and hope he sees your point of view, or leave him. Is he always going to treat your respective DC differently? For example help with houses/weddings etc? This would be the main concern for me

Holly60 · 08/05/2021 17:45

One thing that stands out to me - I think it is wrong to expect the DC to have to ask for a drink/food. It is their home too. When we have GUESTS we tell them to help themselves to whatever they want - would never have dreamt of asking my own DC to ask for food or drink. Maybe let me know if something is running low, but to have to ask.. nope

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 17:47

Only has to ask for hot drinks as got thought a 500g tin of hot chocolate in one day.

Food they have to ask for (they can make themselves lunch without asking) just no continuous snacking, I think that’s fair and it’s healthy.

OP posts:
Demortuisnilnisibonum · 08/05/2021 17:52

I think it’s reasonable to ask for food, as it prevents using up something you might have been saving for a meal. I would say fruit and tea or coffee don’t have to be requested, but I’d expect them to ask if they wanted anything special, as it saves running out.

katy1213 · 08/05/2021 17:52

It's no skin off your nose if his kids grow up to be obese. And if he chooses to do their chores - well, as long as you don't have to, so what!
Order an extra pint of milk and calm down.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/05/2021 17:56

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own

You should have stood up for your DCs to the point that there were consequences, in the face of his favouritism towards his own DCs. You didn't so, here you are he's still carrying on.

Its likely too late for him to change, and doubtful that he wants to. He will remain anal about your DCs (who are no doubt fully aware of this) whilst treating his like royalty

All you can do is make your own decision and stick to it

billy1966 · 08/05/2021 17:56

Why have you stayed with him OP?

He sounds like a lazy parent who bullied your children until they left home.

Awful.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/05/2021 17:57

@Besswess88

Only has to ask for hot drinks as got thought a 500g tin of hot chocolate in one day.

Food they have to ask for (they can make themselves lunch without asking) just no continuous snacking, I think that’s fair and it’s healthy.

We have the same rules around food. Both for my daughter who lives here full time, and for my stepkids. I don't think it's unreasonable.
DeeCeeCherry · 08/05/2021 17:58

Your anger isn't about food and drinks, it's about the way he's treated and speaks about your DC

SomewhereInbetween1 · 08/05/2021 18:04

I can't imagine having to ask if I wanted a cup of tea Confused

skybluee · 08/05/2021 18:05

@Besswess88

No I expect the rules which he anally stuck to in regards to my kids to also be stuck to for his kids.

I am not saying anything am I? So clearly not directing him!

But these weren't good rules so why carry on with them?
SuperMonkeys · 08/05/2021 18:06

You expect his children, who live there, to ask for a cup of tea?

Blueberry40 · 08/05/2021 18:08

Why are you staying quiet? Can you just bypass him about the issues that are most irritating you and talk to your step children directly in a non confrontational way? As in “please could whoever finished the last of the milk just pop out and grab some more?” Just ask for what you want with a smile- surely nobody can object if you’re being reasonable!

Sunflowers095 · 08/05/2021 18:08

@Besswess88

When it’s in your own home and you go to the fridge and there is no milk for example because of someone’s greed/lack of consideration and this isn’t highlighted it’s very irritating.
But it's supposed to be their home too. I wouldn't imagine being a teen and having to ask to have a hot drink or snack or anything.

Why are you making them feel uncomfortable in a space that's supposed to be a second home?

Buy more milk. You're being ridiculous.

Bayleaf25 · 08/05/2021 18:09

How old are they? At 13 maybe I’d still want them to ask. My 15 year old usually does but I don’t mostly expect her to.

My 18 year old son can trough his way through the entire contents of the house and mostly doesn’t ask. Periodically I do moan at him but I try to have plenty of bread, milk, cereal, fruit etc so we don’t run out.

I don’t restrict screen time at 15 and 18 either. And yes, they can be prone to being lazy unless I really insist.

I think they sound fairly ‘normal’ teenagers that don’t always think about everyone else. I would expect snacks other than just fruit to be available.

shouldistop · 08/05/2021 18:12

You expect them to ask to use milk in a drink?

Holly60 · 08/05/2021 18:15

@Besswess88

Only has to ask for hot drinks as got thought a 500g tin of hot chocolate in one day.

Food they have to ask for (they can make themselves lunch without asking) just no continuous snacking, I think that’s fair and it’s healthy.

If our DC did this it just meant there was no hot chocolate until the next big shop.....
Method · 08/05/2021 18:16

No wonder so many kids are obese with so many mums thinking it's normal to have 5 sugary drinks in a day without asking...

I think you should talk to your DH, remind him how strict he was with your DCs and how complacent he is with his own. You can't stop him tiptoeing around them, but you can say no to them bringing junk into your house. Frankly, it sounds like he just didn't like your kids and his are spoilt brats.

Holly60 · 08/05/2021 18:18

I agree with @skybluee - they are not good rules, and you aren’t going to cancel out what he did to your DC by doing it to his. He was cruel but I wouldn’t be hoping that he will be cruel to his own DC just to make you feel less guilty for not standing up to him.

doodleygirl · 08/05/2021 18:20

Sounds like a horrible environment for all of you. I think your rules are anal and I also think you are angry at how your kids were treated.

Let then snack, their weight isn’t really your concern, kids finish milk, put empty cereal boxes back in cupboards and are generally selfish arses until they leave home. Then they hopefully turn into lovely young adults.

Why don’t you go and do something for you and leave them to it?

Holly60 · 08/05/2021 18:23

@Method

No wonder so many kids are obese with so many mums thinking it's normal to have 5 sugary drinks in a day without asking...

I think you should talk to your DH, remind him how strict he was with your DCs and how complacent he is with his own. You can't stop him tiptoeing around them, but you can say no to them bringing junk into your house. Frankly, it sounds like he just didn't like your kids and his are spoilt brats.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s normal to have 5 sugary drinks in a day - I think people are just saying it’s not normal for teenagers to have to ask for food/drinks in their own home. If I realised my DC had done something similar I would have spoken to them about making healthy choices and making sure that everyone gets to enjoy the food in the house. I think kids are more likely to go overboard with food if they think it is restricted. Mine knew they could help themselves to anything, which might explain why they never felt the urge to binge ....
Theunamedcat · 08/05/2021 18:27

@shouldistop

You expect them to ask to use milk in a drink?
I'm pretty sure she wants someone to open there mouth about the lack of milk or running low on milk my son alerts me when we have two, two litre cartons left because he drinks loads and has been known to drink one in a day
Checkingout811 · 08/05/2021 18:29

I completely agree that the double standards is shit. However, not allowing teenagers free access to food and them having to ask for hot drinks is not on. Not at all. My DD is 8 and doesn’t have to ask for drinks. I find it completely inappropriate that teenagers cannot help themselves to food.

MarkUp · 08/05/2021 18:29

I wouldn't expect them to ask for everything, but if they are teens I'd probably expect them to be more considerate about things like using all the milk and just not saying anything.

I wouldn't have to ask when I was living at home but if I was making myself 10 hot chocolates a day and using all the milk my parents would have something to say about it.

I also think it depends what it is too. Packet of crisps? No. One bar of chocolate in the fridge that someone has bought for themselves? yes.

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