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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
PinkTonic · 08/05/2021 19:45

I don’t get all the posters saying it’s awful for children to have to ask for food. They don’t need 5 hot chocolate drinks in a day, it’s greedy, bad for them and inconvenient if they drink all the milk. Likewise, you all let your children help themselves to snacks? So however many packets of crisps or biscuits they want? No wonder the nation has an obesity crisis.

sadpapercourtesan · 08/05/2021 19:51

I agree with a pp - it sounds like you are the one driving the anal rules, and your DH enforced them with your kids because you wanted him to. He's not enforcing them with his kids because he doesn't have to, and you're coming over all "my house, my rules" about it.

You're on a hiding to nothing. He's going to parent his kids as he chooses and there's bugger all you can do about it. You'll be happier if you back off and just buy more milk.

I think his kids sound unhappy and if I were him I would be concerned about why they are overeating to the point of obesity and not engaging with the world outside their devices. It's a worry, not a discipline issue. But if he's not concerned, then again there isn't much you can do.

RaaRaaeee · 08/05/2021 19:59

So from what I understand your children, and then there boyfriends/ girlfriends for a time lived with you and DH full time? They must have been older than your stepchildren if they had their bf or gfs living with you before moving out? I don't think on that basis your DH was unreasonable to insist that they pull their weight around the house to be honest.
In my opinion that situation is quite different to having young teens around for the odd weekend. I also think expecting them to ask when they use milk in their tea is a bit much.

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 20:02

@PinkTonic

I don’t get all the posters saying it’s awful for children to have to ask for food. They don’t need 5 hot chocolate drinks in a day, it’s greedy, bad for them and inconvenient if they drink all the milk. Likewise, you all let your children help themselves to snacks? So however many packets of crisps or biscuits they want? No wonder the nation has an obesity crisis.
You're equating two things that aren't the same. You seem to think that saying they shouldn't need to ask for permission is the same as saying they're allowed whatever they want no matter how ludicrous or harmful. No one has said that.
  • No one would expect a teenager to ask if they're allowed to have a shower, but that doesn't mean they're allowed to take 14 showers each day.
  • No one would expect a teenager to ask if they're allowed to change their clothes, but that doesn't mean they're allowed to change outfits 21 times each day.
  • No one would expect a teenager to ask if they're allowed to open a window, but that doesn't mean they're allowed to leave it open all day in the winter/snow when they go to school
  • No one would expect a teenager to ask if they're allowed to go in the garden, but that doesn't mean they can set up camp and live out there.
Just because they don't have to ask for permission to do something doesn't mean that they shouldn't be expected to behave reasonably with respect to that thing. The same applies to food. No one is saying they should be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want.
TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 20:02

@PinkTonic

I don’t get all the posters saying it’s awful for children to have to ask for food. They don’t need 5 hot chocolate drinks in a day, it’s greedy, bad for them and inconvenient if they drink all the milk. Likewise, you all let your children help themselves to snacks? So however many packets of crisps or biscuits they want? No wonder the nation has an obesity crisis.
I agree.

The kids have no boundaries around food and no self control. It’s ok to try and create boundaries in that context.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:04

@Besswess88

We always agreed we would have the same rules for all 6 kids, now there are only two left the rule book has gone out the window.
Well that wasn’t the best agreement because some rules can be too strict and as you go, you learn to be a better parent. It’s too bad your kids were the guinea pigs, that is the fate of all older children though. I was much more stressed and strict with my two elder DCs, but am much better mother to my youngest two. You live and learn, so it’s not wise to have an agreement that the rules will never change.

I have to say that requiring teenagers to ask permission to make a hot drink or have any food is very strict.

TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 20:05

No one is saying they should be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want.

Come up with a better plan then.

TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 20:06

So how would everyone here regulate these kids’ food intake?

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:07

@PinkTonic

I don’t get all the posters saying it’s awful for children to have to ask for food. They don’t need 5 hot chocolate drinks in a day, it’s greedy, bad for them and inconvenient if they drink all the milk. Likewise, you all let your children help themselves to snacks? So however many packets of crisps or biscuits they want? No wonder the nation has an obesity crisis.
Small children, no. But teenagers yes. They can help themselves. And how else are they supposed to learn to be self-limiting if you treat them like a small child? If you require they ask for every snack, they won’t magically know how to self limit their snacks when they turn 18.
Ellpellwood · 08/05/2021 20:09

I don't get it. You tell them one hot chocolate per day, they sneak around and make an extra 4, you don't know about it until the tub is gone. If they have to ask you can say no, you've had one/two.

Ellpellwood · 08/05/2021 20:10

Obviously I'm thinking of younger teens here! Older than 16/17 and I'd be saying we will provide x, you buy your own if you want more.

Haffiana · 08/05/2021 20:12

@Besswess88

The gorging happens at the house they live in usually.

We control it by asking that they ask before snacking.

You are just controlling. That's all. You have a need to control food and you are putting it all on the DC.

It isn't 'healthy' to obsess about what other people eat, and it is most certainly not 'healthy' to force teenage children to have to ask for food. It isn't normal. Do you understand that?

This is giving them your food issues - all this talk about 'gorging'. You need to look to your own issues.

Ellpellwood · 08/05/2021 20:14

@TatianaBis

So how would everyone here regulate these kids’ food intake?
I don't disagree with having a limit on certain snacks etc. but the way my family did it was - one weekly shop, they'd buy say a multipack of crisps and when they were gone they were gone til the next week. If I ate them all at the weekend there'd be none for my lunchbox.
PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:15

@Haffiana
I agree the food thing is definitely controlling and exactly the behaviour that creates eating disorders in children/teens.

I found it really sad that these teens bring food with them when they come to stay. That’s awful to have to pack food in your bag because your step mother is literally gatekeeping, analysing and criticising every drink and every mouthful of food.

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 20:17

How old are they?

Honestly it just sounds like you have completely different parenting skills/ideas and i don’t think any good is going to come from mentioning anything so I’d bite my tongue. If there is one thing that is bugging you the most then you could try and resolve that but I think you need to remember that most SC do have more relaxed rules when they’re at Disney dads house either because he wants them to enjoy going there or because he can’t be bothered enforcing the rules. I’d pick my battles OP.

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 20:21

I feel this is more about the way he treated your DCs vs his DCs rather than what they eat, internet usage etc

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 20:21

@TatianaBis

So how would everyone here regulate these kids’ food intake?
  1. You could not have it in the house
  2. You could have a limit on how many they're allowed
  3. You could educate them on healthy choices
  4. You could have a discussion about their health/weight
  5. You could have healthier alternatives

They're going to be adults soon who don't live with their parents and treating them like toddlers during their teens won't prepare them for that. Not to mention, OP doesn't seem to prevent them stuffing their faces she just gets mad they don't ask her sweetly before they do it.

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 20:27

So how would everyone here regulate these kids’ food intake?

I personally have a daily limit but lots of people have a snack draw (which I’m going to start doing) which they can decide to eat it all in one go or save it but once it’s gone it’s gone and then there’s no other junk food in the house for them to eat.

shiningstar2 · 08/05/2021 20:30

I think there is sometimes a difference between the way resident kids and kids there for less of the time are treated. When you only see your kids a couple of days a week inevitably there are some differences of treatment. Maybe your own kids were treated differently in their dad's home if he was on the scene.

I think there should always be some food that older kids can access without permission. Teenagers almost inevitably have bigger appetites than fully grown adults and I think they should be able to have a packet of crisps, a yoghurt or make a sandwich in their dad's home [their second home] if they want to. Imo this should be prepared for and expected. Of course their should be some consideration built in. Don't use ingredients needed for full meals. Give them money to go to the shop to replace milk, crisps ext without fuss. I would never expect anyone in my home to have to ask before they can make themselves a hot drink.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 20:31

Thins is they are here 4 days a month, they don’t give a fuck if they have eaten all the food for a week, they go to another house where there are no boundaries.

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 08/05/2021 20:33

So what else goes on while they are with you apart from all the annoying eating and drinking? Are they doing school stuff, do you go out for walks or play games together? Do they ever cook a family dinner? Their dad sounds a bit useless. I'd be tempted to find a hobby and be out while the kids are around and leave them all to it.

BeneathYourWisdom · 08/05/2021 20:39

When it’s in your own home and you go to the fridge and there is no milk for example because of someone’s greed/lack of consideration and this isn’t highlighted it’s very irritating

So she made herself a few hot drinks with milk in them, over the course of a day, and you think she’s greedy and inconsiderate because there was no milk left for you? Even though your husband solved it by going to get more.

Why did you have so little milk in the first place? You knew they were coming, why no back up milk?

I think it’s bizarre and controlling to tell teenagers they must ask permission to make a cup of tea/coffee in their own home! Or ask your permission for a snack. And it is their home as their dad lives there, presumably you had strict rules for yours but you’re not their mum and I think you need to take their parents’ lead on this. Maybe they don’t need to ask for snacks/drinks at their mum’s and your husband is embarrassed by your rules?

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 20:43

@BeneathYourWisdom

When it’s in your own home and you go to the fridge and there is no milk for example because of someone’s greed/lack of consideration and this isn’t highlighted it’s very irritating

So she made herself a few hot drinks with milk in them, over the course of a day, and you think she’s greedy and inconsiderate because there was no milk left for you? Even though your husband solved it by going to get more.

Why did you have so little milk in the first place? You knew they were coming, why no back up milk?

I think it’s bizarre and controlling to tell teenagers they must ask permission to make a cup of tea/coffee in their own home! Or ask your permission for a snack. And it is their home as their dad lives there, presumably you had strict rules for yours but you’re not their mum and I think you need to take their parents’ lead on this. Maybe they don’t need to ask for snacks/drinks at their mum’s and your husband is embarrassed by your rules?

We had 8 pints yesterday morning 👍🏻
OP posts:
bogoffmda · 08/05/2021 20:45

But OP your house has only healthy food which they don't eat - so have they eaten everything!
Seriously you keep changing to story.

Don't buy drinking chocolate or a smaller tin - would be a simple answer. If my DCS eat all the chocolate I have bought that week - then I buy no more for a few weeks - they soon got the message and self regulate

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:48

@Besswess88

Thins is they are here 4 days a month, they don’t give a fuck if they have eaten all the food for a week, they go to another house where there are no boundaries.
OP Simple math would dictate you need more than 1 weeks worth of food for 2 adults to feed 2 adults and 2 teens for 4 days.

7 days with 2 adults= 14
4 days with 2 adults + 2 teens= 16. And that isn’t even considering the fact that teens need more food than adults do.

I don’t understand your anger?

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