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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
Fixitup2 · 08/05/2021 20:51

We only get crisps if going for a picnic. Biscuits and cake only if we’re having guests. We have hot chocolate you make with milk. Drinks are tea, coffee, water, fruit juice or squash. Snacks are fruit or veg. We have yoghurts but once they’re gone they’re gone. Our fridge only has vegetables and main meal stuff in so no temptation. I think the answer is to stop buying the crap then relax and let them do whatever on the 4 days a month they’re there then you’re not stressing. It’s obviously not great they’re overweight and binge eating but they have 2 parents to deal with that, not your issue (thankfully for you). Maybe just start getting more active as a family when they’re there?

EverdeRose · 08/05/2021 20:56

Seeing your update of it being only 4 days a month makes me think you're even more unreasonable.

They are basically guests qnd you're controlling how much they eat and drink. For 4 days a month just back off and let their dad deal with it. I think its ridiculous to expect them to feel at home enough to be responsible for household chores but not to make a hot drink without permission.

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 21:00

For only 4 days a month I’d definitely bite my tongue. If the milk runs out get your DP to go to the shop and buy more.

They may binge eat because they’re being forced to eat healthier at home. Most teens do eat a lot and I’d just get your DH to make sure they’re eating filling, healthy meals at mealtimes to stop them wanting to eat so many snacks.

Cas112 · 08/05/2021 21:09

I think it’s awful they have to ask for food, your kids or his kids. Your home should feel like a home to all the kids so you shouldn’t make anyone ask even if they are just there on a weekend, it’s tight

Rillington · 08/05/2021 21:12

You are out of order making them ask before they eat something. You sound very unwelcoming to his children.

Chailatteplease · 08/05/2021 21:16

@PinkTonic

I don’t get all the posters saying it’s awful for children to have to ask for food. They don’t need 5 hot chocolate drinks in a day, it’s greedy, bad for them and inconvenient if they drink all the milk. Likewise, you all let your children help themselves to snacks? So however many packets of crisps or biscuits they want? No wonder the nation has an obesity crisis.
Nope. My children eat one packet of crisps when they want them. Probably because I don’t restrict anything, they don’t feel the need to take advantage.
LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 08/05/2021 21:16

You need to start buying more milk and food when they come over.

casade13 · 08/05/2021 21:16

I have three boys in my house (one teenager and two approaching). I buy what I buy and sometimes if I want to limit, I hide some of it! They do ask if it’s extras but general snacks I have no problem with as we have a variety (fruit, yoghurts, jelly, crisps, pastries). My rule is once it’s gone for that weeks shop it’s gone!

hparkins · 08/05/2021 21:18

OP I actually get it.

My step dad was really really strict with me and my brother but wasnt at all with his own biological children and it caused a lot of resentment, particularly between my brother and the others. Do your children see the difference or are they not aware? I know you mentioned they moved out.

The food thing again, I dont think is all that weird. I can help myself at my mums house even now at 26 but I wouldnt take it upon myself to eat and drink all the nice food in the house. thats what I've read your posts as (some people dont bother reading and might of missed where you mentioned the word snacks) so you are within your right to not be over the moon about this. I dont remember being allowed to eat multiple packets of crisps/sweet things when I was younger either, although of course I wasnt restricted to things like toast/fruit/lunch type stuff, it was just the more treat like things that we didnt have free reign on.

that's actually normal in most households I am aware of. I remember my friend who lived with her nan warning us often not to drink the entire bottle of cola that was in the fridge. things like that are common to me - maybe everyone I know and myself have been in really abusive households and not realised!

Cherrysoup · 08/05/2021 21:23

So she made herself a few hot drinks with milk in them, over the course of a day, and you think she’s greedy and inconsiderate because there was no milk left for you?

5 and went through a 500g tin of hot chocolate. That’s crazy. No wonder they’re obese.

I think I’d be telling the kids there are limits-no more than 2 hot chocolates a day, hide the treats!

Definately · 08/05/2021 21:50

I suppose it's a bit like how parents are really strict with their first couple of DC but more relaxed with younger children and then grandchildren. Seems unfair and it is unfair but people change over time and sometimes that includes caring less about enforcing arbitrary rules.

TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 22:02

People here have come up with alternatives that are no more or less controlling than OP’s plan. And appear not to have read the OP properly.

She stated in the OP that the kids bring the snacks with them, so it’s not just a question of her not buying them, she would have to confiscate them to regulate the amount they eat.

She also stated that she had talked to DH about eating healthier food, which, instead of embracing, he just gets defensively attacked her son who went through a phased of eating crap.

If OP doesn’t stock snacks like crisps or biscuits they will simply overeat on their own stash followed by whatever is in the cupboards - cereal, bread, whatever.

OP also stated that they’re allowed to help themselves to actual meals, it’s only the snacks that they’re required to ask for.

If DH took more responsibility for talking to the kids about healthy, moderate eating, and was pro-active about having healthy food in the house, perhaps OP wouldn’t be forced to such measures.

TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 22:03

@Definately

I suppose it's a bit like how parents are really strict with their first couple of DC but more relaxed with younger children and then grandchildren. Seems unfair and it is unfair but people change over time and sometimes that includes caring less about enforcing arbitrary rules.
It’s not really though. It’s more like people who are strict with their step kids because they don’t give much of a stuff about them, and super nice to their own because they do actually love them.
TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 22:07

Nope. My children eat one packet of crisps when they want them. Probably because I don’t restrict anything, they don’t feel the need to take advantage.

Your kids eat one packet of crisps at a time because they’re not over eaters.

These kids don’t overeat because they’re restricted, they clearly overeat at home, hence being sent with a hoard of snacks, and continue to do so at OP’s.

Lili132 · 08/05/2021 22:08

@EverdeRose

I think its all quite bananas.

I can't believe you make teenagers ask to make a hot drink or some food. Are you purposely wanting them all to feel as unwelcome as possible.

She did explain that they are allowed to make themselves lunch and healthy drinks but have to ask for snacks because they have problem with binge eating. This is both unhealthy and inconsiderate for other family members. Different families have different rules depending on circumstances and preferences. I really don't understand why people are being so petty on this thread it's not like she is harming the children.
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/05/2021 22:16

You’ve posted about milk issues before. You need to start freezing some.

He’s not going to change. You always sound miserable. He’s selfish. You think he’s a terrible father. You’re regularly infuriated by your step kids.

It’s not about milk. Or drinks. Or snack food. It’s your basic incompatibility as people and you’d all be better off if you split up. You could be happier and less stressed. Why not choose that?

JackANackAnoreeee · 08/05/2021 22:16

If they're only with you for four days a month it really is not going to make any difference. Even if they were with you full time if teenagers want to buy 10 twixes and eat them in a day they will.

They need to learn to self regulate and deal with whatever issues lead them to overeat. Op kicking up a fuss because the milk has run out and no one has the sense to pop out and get more isn't going to solve that.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/05/2021 22:37

@Cherrysoup

So she made herself a few hot drinks with milk in them, over the course of a day, and you think she’s greedy and inconsiderate because there was no milk left for you?

5 and went through a 500g tin of hot chocolate. That’s crazy. No wonder they’re obese.

I think I’d be telling the kids there are limits-no more than 2 hot chocolates a day, hide the treats!

She put 100g of chocolate powder in each hot chocolate? I very, very much doubt it.

The OP hates her husband and now dislikes and resents the step kids.
That’s it. That’s all that’s happening.

SionnachGlic · 08/05/2021 22:43

Have a 'no junk' rule in the house or buy a v limited amount & when it is gone, it's gone. So if they are six packets of crisps & 2 packets of biscuits & they eat all on Day 1 then nothing for Day 2 & so on... fruit bowl is available if they want something...

And about DH stacking & emptying the dishwasher or otherwise tidying after them, be grateful the battle doesn't include all the mess left for someone else (you).

I get you have issues with it...but you need to lighten up a bit...its a few days a month...not everyday

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 22:50

No because I refuse to go out with men with children, it would do my head in.

Rosebel · 08/05/2021 23:01

I get a lot of what you are saying but I think the drinks thing is a bit much. It would drive me mad if my kids asked whenever they wanted a drink. Yes it was inconsiderate to use up the milk but most teenagers just don't really think about things like that.
It must be really irratating that he was so hard on your kids but not his own. However if they are only there a few days a month I'd probably let it go.
Only other option is to talk to him when they aren't there and reach an agreement about chores and food. Although it doesn't sound as if he'd enforce that anyway.
Does it annoy to the point that you don't want to be with him anymore? If it does then you have a difficult choice to make. If not then just leave it
Sorry no practical advice.

UhtredRagnarson · 08/05/2021 23:02

Urgh. This OP again. Lay off these girls!

Bayleaf25 · 09/05/2021 00:28

4 days a month?! I’d get enough milk in, a range of snacks and let it go. If you’re really worried about the hot choc then leave it to your DH to police.

Theunamedcat · 09/05/2021 06:22

I get the disparity my daughter was not my husbands child he was great with her until we had our own then he was on her being strict enforce ridiculous rules around her eating Internet time her going out time everything we split after a few years of this but the damage was done she is now overweight with disordered eating and anxiety i blame myself for staying and putting up with him

andivfmakes3 · 09/05/2021 06:45

If you don't want to them drink/eat it then the simple solution is not to have any in especially when it's only 4 days per month. Have basic tea and coffee etc and leave it at that

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