Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am trying not to let this annoy me but it is (Step Parenting)

207 replies

Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 16:53

So I am going to have rant here.

DH and I aren’t in a great place atm so I am really trying not to sweat the small stuff to his face.

His teenagers are here this weekend (my kids have left home).

We have always had lose “house rules” which everyone is expected to respect, such as people don’t just help themselves to food, they ask, everyone helps clear up after dinner and screen time has to be reasonable etc.

Both his kids are overweight (I WOULD NOT DREAM of mentioning this to them) and eat a lot of snacks/sweets (which they bring with them).

I have suggested to him that we should perhaps eat more healthily particularly when they are here as so to role model good habits and get them to like healthier food options. He then starts going on about my DC3 who went through a phase of eating crap and I was very direct with him about it and he now chooses to eat very healthily (he’s actually now a vegan).

DD2 has been in the bedroom on her phone all day and I have said maybe he should try to interact with her as she is here to see him, is struggling with friendships at school and is very shy. He’s so defensive, mentions DC3 internet use, when he is home from Uni he is online a lot (doing work, lectures, has a job and has a gf!) and when my kids were younger they did have screen time limits and he used to hide the internet router from them (yes part of the reason they moved out was him!).

He runs around after him kids loading the dishwasher etc before they can (they are perfectly happy to do it) when my kids were that age if everything wouldn’t fit in, I once caught him making the my kids wash the remainder up by hand.

DD1 has helped herself to 5 surgery hot drinks today without asking and we’ve now run out of milk so rather than asking her to pop up the shop he went up there and said nothing.

What bugs me is that he was so anal about my kids (and we fell out all the time about it, I didn’t need him directing me in how to bring up my kids I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, and he’s only ever been a weekend/Disney dad to his own kids!) and he’s scared to say anything to his own and is a total Disney dad with his own and we seem go have a completely different set of rules from a couple of years ago.

As I said I am trying to hold my tongue as it’s irrelevant now really as my kids aren’t here (I have close relationships with them all), but it’s the bloody hypocrisy which is making me feel really angry and this whole my kids/your kids shit which he brings up at every opportunity.

Does anyone else get this?

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 08/05/2021 19:07

@Besswess88

Only has to ask for hot drinks as got thought a 500g tin of hot chocolate in one day.

Food they have to ask for (they can make themselves lunch without asking) just no continuous snacking, I think that’s fair and it’s healthy.

Have they seen a dietician?
arcof · 08/05/2021 19:08

Not your kids, not your problem. This is the only way to survive step parenting when you disagree on the rules. Apart from the milk thing, which was rectified when the husband went to get some more, I'm not clear how this is impacting you. It's hard especially if you care for them but you have to just stop worrying about it, literally just decide to stop. You'll be much happier for it.

Chailatteplease · 08/05/2021 19:09

Veganism doesn’t automatically equate to ‘healthy’.

Not sure why you felt the need to include that.

YANBU to be pissed off with your husbands double standards.

YABU to make kids ask for food.

Ellpellwood · 08/05/2021 19:11

I don't think this is a mystery, is it? He imposed stringent rules on your kids, they left. Bonus for him. He actually wants to see his own, so he's going to be super accommodating.

Honestly though, they can eat what they want if they bring it, but just don't buy the Cheestrings and Twixes?

I don't think hot chocolate is the same as tea. I use a velvetiser and each serving of the powder/shavings is one small chocolate bar. I wouldn't let my DS have 5 in a day.

Nicknacky · 08/05/2021 19:11

So would you let them have tea/coffee if they asked?

tenlittlecygnets · 08/05/2021 19:13

Bloody hell, op, if my dc had moved out because of my partner I'd have dumped him right then. Or preferably before then. So YABU for that.

But he is VVVVVU for being so partisan to his own dc. I'd lose all respect for him. What a hypocrite and a bully.

bogoffmda · 08/05/2021 19:21

I get the impression these were your rules for your DCS and he supported you in implementing them.

These are his DCS and he may want slightly different rules as yours are not around to have double standards.

May be you need to both decide the new rules and be on the same page, instead of bringing up various past injustices you are fairly critical of his parenting .

The food I am still struggling with your control issues

EverdeRose · 08/05/2021 19:22

I think its all quite bananas.

I can't believe you make teenagers ask to make a hot drink or some food. Are you purposely wanting them all to feel as unwelcome as possible.

AgathaAllAlong · 08/05/2021 19:22

How old are they? Honestly OP having to ask for a cup of tea in your own home is absolutely horrible, I'd really relax that rule.

Agree it's unfair if he mistreated your children, but to me that would not be a reason to now mistreat his kids. Though he sounds too indulgent and you are right to ask that they help with chores and go to the shop if they've drank all the milk.

Original poster
Besswess88 · 08/05/2021 19:23

My DC did not move out as a direct result of him, both two of them had partners move in first then moved out, it was slightly tongue in cheek. I forget it’s AIBU.

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/05/2021 19:26

You don’t like him. You don’t like his children.
Split up and then you don’t have worry about teenagers helping themselves to your hot water.

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 19:28

I think this depends on two things:

  1. How old are his children? "Teenagers" is very broad - are they 13 or 19?
  2. How often they visit.
A 19 year old who visits your house for three weekends each year is a guest in your home and should be treated as such. I wouldn't expect them to do chores or be forced to follow rules. However, a 13 year old who visits every weekend is a family member who should be adhering to rules and contributing to the running of the house in some way. The difference between your children and his is that yours (presumably?) lived in your house, his children don't - so the dynamic is very different. Expecting someone to follow rules or do chores in their own house is not the same as expecting it in someone else's house. I'm also struggling to see the "hypocrisy" you've mentioned because it appeared that you complain about his kids behaving a certain way and then he points out when your children behaved the same way and you didn't have a problem. Sounds like you're being just as much of a hypocrite as he is.
EverdeRose · 08/05/2021 19:28

If this doesn't work OP and you have to move in with either of your kids until your set up, will you be asking permission for hot drinks and anything more than fruit. Because honestly its thr weirdest, petty and controlling thing I've ever heard.
Why are you keeping track of what they've eaten aswell. Anything else you keep track on? Minutes spent using the hot water? Amount of TV they watch.

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 19:32

@Ellpellwood

I don't think this is a mystery, is it? He imposed stringent rules on your kids, they left. Bonus for him. He actually wants to see his own, so he's going to be super accommodating.

Honestly though, they can eat what they want if they bring it, but just don't buy the Cheestrings and Twixes?

I don't think hot chocolate is the same as tea. I use a velvetiser and each serving of the powder/shavings is one small chocolate bar. I wouldn't let my DS have 5 in a day.

Just going off on a tangent to say that I also use a velvetiser (and not only are you 100% correct that they aren't the same because my velvetised hot chocolate has 340 calories, compared to just 10 calories in a cup of tea) but also that velvetisers are the best invention since the dawn of time and every person seeing this comment should request one for their next birthday.
bogoffmda · 08/05/2021 19:32

2 teenagers had cereal yesterday and today - wtf - how dare they eat breakfast cereal
. 4 bowls of cereal takes quite a bit of milk unless you like dry/damp bran flakes.
My 13 yr old eats two big bowls of muesli most mornings and a couple of bagels. ( does lot of sport and not over weight) - that would be 2 pints gone in a blink and a glass of milk min morning and evening.

Crunchymum · 08/05/2021 19:32

Did your kids live with you both full time and from what ages?

BowserJr · 08/05/2021 19:34

You've posted about the step kids before, haven't you OP? I remember the hot chocolate incident discussed previously.

If things haven't improved, I would consider ending it with DH if you don't have children together. There will always be something that he treats his own children differently to (read as better than) yours.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 08/05/2021 19:35

I wouldn't want them to ask for anything but I would expect them to tell their dad they're about to use the last of xyz and I would expect him to deal with it.

Sounds like they can't manage that. Probably because they're so pandered to.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 08/05/2021 19:35

As for the husband. He sounds like an arse to be honest. I would bin him off and live happily every after where I was only responsible for providing milk for myself.

Quincie · 08/05/2021 19:35

Jings wish I was bringing up kids these days - they can eat what they want, bring in loads of sweets and junk, help themselves to anything they want and any amount. Spend all day on their phone in their rooms.
Not made to do anything to help.
It must be great - just spend your day on MN, OP, or maybe get a few takeaways in for the SDCs, then put your feet up.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/05/2021 19:36

I'm a bit astounded at all of the responses where they think it's ok for the kids to binge eat.

Rookw · 08/05/2021 19:37

How would we know the “he hounded them out” was tongue in cheek? When you’re criticising him quite so heavily?

TatianaBis · 08/05/2021 19:37

I do understand the attempt to create boundaries for these overeating kids, in an attempt to stave off obesity.

I’m just not sure why you’re with this guy all things considered, he sounds a bit of an arse.

lalafafa · 08/05/2021 19:39

I find it really odd they have to ask for food.

Lou98 · 08/05/2021 19:40

@Besswess88

My DC did not move out as a direct result of him, both two of them had partners move in first then moved out, it was slightly tongue in cheek. I forget it’s AIBU.

That makes quite a big difference then. Doesn't sound like "tongue in cheek" so much as you now back tracking. A comment like that obviously creates a very negative view of him so seems odd you would say it if it isn't true unless that was the intention.

I agree with PP that it sounds like the rules for your children were rules that you were happy with and wanted implemented. That's fine and worked for you but now his kids are older he doesn't want the same rules, that's equally fine.

Swipe left for the next trending thread