I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

It’s fine to sometimes dislike your children but one thing that really stuck out to me as completely abnormal is that you say it’s ‘us vs him’. It’s that way because YOU are making it so. You’re the adults and presumably you wanted to be parents. So parent. And do it properly. Your son doesn’t deserve this, and it seems like he can’t do anything right (you say he had a glowing school report for the first time and it was immediately shot down with ‘it won’t last’).

Your son absolutely has all the hallmarks of ADHD. I would (if at all possible financially) have him assessed privately by an educational psychologist. That would potentially lead to him having therapy and medication to help him focus. All of your lives will be improved if he does have ADHD and gets the correct treatment. I grew up with an older brother who had ADHD and he was a very domineering force in my life and not always in a good way. My parents chose to not medicate him (general scepticism of psychiatric drugs that many people have) and it probably made all of our lives harder!

This is really sad OP. I sympathise with you, but how heartbreaking for your son. It's probably also a.bit if a chicken and egg situation, the more he senses you like his sister better (and he will know this) the more he acts up.

I think it's been really hard this year having to be together all the time, but now things are opening up, sign him up for some activities that play to his strengths and give you all some time apart. He sounds like he'd flourish at a drama club? Or sport maybe of he has a lot of excess energy. Get him out the house doing something that he enjoys, where he can socialise and be with people. Cubs/Scouts is another good option they do lots of activities and have away days/camping trips.

I would also make time to spend with him alone. Send DD to an activity/playdate and really spend quality time with him. Give him all the attention he clearly needs and see if you can find an activity you enjoy together. You owe him this effort.

Family counselling would be a good idea because it sounds like there is a very unhealthy dynamic between you all.

Focus on his positives. Make a list if you have to. Pp is right about his good school report being written off as 'it won't last'. That's a very negative approach. You need change how you view him.

It doesn’t sound like he’s been properly assessed at all. And this does sound like ADHD. A friend went through a similar experience with her son, making life very difficult for the rest of the family. He’s on medication now and things are much better.

You do have to try to advocate for the help he needs.

him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last.

How do you know it won’t last? Maybe he will be utterly delightful and your daughter will become a pain in the arse? Or maybe it won’t last because it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and you’ve already picked your golden child.

Come on, you must know you can’t do this. Give the kid a chance!

I was going to say ADHD (and possible ASD) too. He sounds just like my son in lots of ways. He has struggled educationally and socially. When he was diagnosed and his ADHD medicated everything started falling into place. It wasn't a wonder cure by any means but his focus at school massively improved and he finally has a long lasting group of friends. Please do look into this. We got the ASD diagnosis via CAMHS but it took so long as they are completely swamped, so we went private for the ADHD.

He has just turned 16 and will always have difficulties but everything seems more positive now. God knows what GCSEs he will get after only being on meds since last summer and all the covid disruption.

My husband struggles with him sometimes, mostly because of the incessant talking about his pet subjects (usually politics) and whilst he is mainly tolerant I feel really sad he often seems not to "like" him that much. Though he now spends a fair bit of time in his room or out with mates which takes the pressure off a bit. Also like you we have a younger, neurotypical daughter who is the apple of her dad's eye and I do feel so sad to see how much "easier to love" my husband finds her. I find myself doing a lot of emotional and practical labour to balance things out.

But to summarise, please do look again at a neuro diverse diagnosis. One thing I have found - you have to fight to get anyone to listen to you!

PP are right. This is a very complicated dynamic. You’re essentially saying that your DD is keeping your marriage together. That’s quite a lot to put on a 7 year old.

I am a psychotherapist (retired) who worked primarily with couples and young people. I would often see family dynamics like this. I would get couples telling me their marriage and home life would be great if it wasn't for X child. I'd see young people who were blamed for all the family ills and I'd see the child who had the burden of being the golden, peacemaker child of the family.

I never saw a situation like this where, looking in from the outside, the 'problem' child seemed to be in any way to blame. Generally speaking the problems in the family came from situations that existed before they had even been born but something about them made it easy for them to be scapegoated. In your son's case his demanding behaviour seems to be that issue.

I would strongly recommend that you look at family therapy or if that's not available some couples therapy for you and your DH.

You described my eldest son who has adhd (not diagnosing). He is a much easier child to love on adhd medication

When I say it won't last I mean he is only OK this year because the teacher is more lenient, his behaviour in school is extremely the same. Theybe said themselves he will revert back next year as they are stricter teachers.
I am 100% positive he has adhd but no one will help us. My daughter has just said to me he's ruining my birthday. It's so upsetting.

For the comments saying parent better, I over compensate and he gets the most attention from all of us, always has. It's our daughter who's pushed aside, because of him.
I suppose I'm just asking will this ever get better?

Adhders alway get so much negative attention - I'm totally guilty of it. My new thing is trying to tell my DC something I love about him everyday. Also lots of sports help.

We went private for one of put childrens adhd diagnosis. Took 2 months and cost around £800

My son aged nearly 19 at uni is awaiting ADHD assessment as he was always too bright and did well at school that they didn't listen and regularly told - me - off about how he couldn't sit still.

He blasted through his GCSEs and A levels, high achieving and it's only now when he's struggling at uni to focus and sit still that he's got assessed again.

I wish I hadn't accepted the schools assessment when he was younger, nor camhs as they were rubbish, apparently, they can't work out if someone is on autism spectrum or adhd if they are otherwise articulate and high achieving,

He is a wonderful boy but drove me to to distraction on occasion , he's never just sit, or be quiet, he is the most chatty exhausting child ever. I have 3 and was on my own. However I adapted snd used to listen to him and got very little sleep until he hit his teens when boy hormones helped him sleep more.

Your son needs you to love who he is. He may be loud fidgety and talkative. But he's you son and amazing.

You all may be quiet and god knows I love a bit of peace and quiet. But I wouldn't change my boy for the world.

@Confusedandshaken

I am a psychotherapist (retired) who worked primarily with couples and young people. I would often see family dynamics like this. I would get couples telling me their marriage and home life would be great if it wasn't for X child. I'd see young people who were blamed for all the family ills and I'd see the child who had the burden of being the golden, peacemaker child of the family.

I never saw a situation like this where, looking in from the outside, the 'problem' child seemed to be in any way to blame. Generally speaking the problems in the family came from situations that existed before they had even been born but something about them made it easy for them to be scapegoated. In your son's case his demanding behaviour seems to be that issue.

I would strongly recommend that you look at family therapy or if that's not available some couples therapy for you and your DH.

I agree with every word of this. Please address your own feelings towards your children as soon as possible.

What has your GP said when you raised concerns about adhd with them?

I will find it weird not to have a fidgety talkative boy if he goes lnto any meds.

If you think your boy may have ADHD then push your Gp and school. Waiting list is long for specialist assessment anyway,

But if it's not that (, you can look up screening questions), and if it's just that he's different to you, please find a way to love him snd hemp him cope (hey do this anyway!)

You can say "son, it's DDs birthday cut it out for a bit please"... You can tell him to listen to his music on his headphones 🎧, or find something that keeps him active ....my son was constantly out doing sports or cycling and he has a huge group of friends and really got into gym and sports.

He couldn't keep still and was bouncing off the walls otherwise.

I'm pretty sure I irritated a lot of children and my parents when I was a child.

I wasn't popular. I talked too much, had ropey social skills and missed a lot of cues, had a temper. I sometimes look back and cringe a bit. I grew out of it. Even now I think I'm too blunt for a lot of people but having found "my people" and working in a place where my personality is valued, I have plenty of good friends and good relationships with family. My parents were patient, provided consistent boundaries regarding socially poor behaviour and gave me time.

If you can afford it get him assessed privately, make sure it's someone who really knows what they're talking about - perhaps ask your GP for recommendations. Unfortunately CAHMs are not fit for purpose a lot of the time, we were very lucky and didn't have to go through CAHMs for our ds's diagnosis but got to see a specialist in asd who was fantastic - but it's a postcode lottery.
Look up both ASD and ADHD and read as much as you can and think back all the wat to when he was a baby and write as much as you can that was different about him in as much detail as you can. Anything odd or unusual or quirky. Keep the list and add to it as things occur to you. The more evidence you have the easier it will be for them to make the right diagnosis.
I would also speak to his teacher - what has she put in place that allows him to thrive? Use this at home and ask her to speak to his next teacher if she wouldn't mind. Anxiety is very common with ASD and probably ADHD too but I don't know so much about that. x

@Confusedandshaken

I am a psychotherapist (retired) who worked primarily with couples and young people. I would often see family dynamics like this. I would get couples telling me their marriage and home life would be great if it wasn't for X child. I'd see young people who were blamed for all the family ills and I'd see the child who had the burden of being the golden, peacemaker child of the family.

I never saw a situation like this where, looking in from the outside, the 'problem' child seemed to be in any way to blame. Generally speaking the problems in the family came from situations that existed before they had even been born but something about them made it easy for them to be scapegoated. In your son's case his demanding behaviour seems to be that issue.

I would strongly recommend that you look at family therapy or if that's not available some couples therapy for you and your DH.

This is exactly right. You really need to seek therapy urgently to avoid this situation (which you must control as the adults/ parents) further jeopardises your children’s mental health. Please look up “golden child/ scapegoat” family dynamics. This is exactly what you are creating

He sounds like my DS. Adhd and pda asd.
Your not alone with your thoughts, I often feel the same it is a horrible feeling, he is my 2nd DC my first DD was 6 when he was born he had taking over the house from day one, every day is an exhausting battle.

Where have i said I don't love him? My husband doesn't have a connection with him but he still loves him because he's his son.
@Confusedandshaken We had a perfect marriage before having children. Then we had a hyperactive child who caused us huge levels of exhaustion and stress. We aren't blaming our son as he can't help it, if anything I feel huge guilt worrying that I've caused this, maybe something went wrong during pregnancy etc and I feel guilt every day that people struggle to like him.

Your son absolutely has all the hallmarks of ADHD

Agreed. Your description of your DS's behaviour/loudness/personality sounds very much like my son at the same age. Although I didn't find him irritating/frustrating, it did feel like everyone else did when he was at primary school and I felt so sad for him. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 11. He's 15 now and has pretty good coping strategies, he seems to have developed volume control and empathy with others during puberty somehow (pastoral support from school? Just maturing a bit? Magic? I have no idea). He has good friends now, follows social/conversational norms more and you'd never realise he has ADHD unless you paid attention to his lack of organisation (practical and mental). So don't despair.

It also sounds like family therapy would be extremely useful. The situation is obviously getting you down and resentment is building, which can have very damaging effects on your son.

Ive also posted on here because we love him and want to help make life better for him and our family. Looking for advice from similar families who can advise me in whether to allow him to control and overpower our family or to point out to him his behaviour

It is clear you love him.
When dealing with challenging behaviour day in day out it becomes exhausting and unfortunately the mind does think wouldn't it be great of X was more relaxed, didn't aim to tease or cause mayhem every day.
If you can afford it go for a private assessment. I've done a few courses on sensory processing issues and understand adhd it helps change your mindset and identify triggers it is really hard for them.
Best of luck.

OP have a read up on vestibular and proprioception sensory issues and how it affects behaviour, there is some tools online to interrupt and understand the behaviour.