I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

Another one saying possible Adhd. If you can have a private assessment it would be worth it - if nothing else they will suggest things that we’ll help him - even if they don’t make a diagnosis. But from what you say I would be very surprised if no diagnosis.

@Bslhbwie. There is your answer. He arrived and spoilt your perfect marriage.

You are blaming his hyperactivity for this but any child coming along will change a 'perfect' marriage. That isn't down the the child itself or any health or behavioural problems they might have. It's because being a group of three with one of the three being tiny, super needy, demanding and 100% dependent on the original two is a completely different dynamic to being a dyad.

Moving from being a couple to being a family is a massive transition for any family unit. It causes stresses and strains that often end romantic relationships. It's not insurmountable though. As in my previous post you should be considering couple therapy to talk through your conflicting feelings and get some perspective. Maybe then consider family therapy.

It really bugs me when people jump to a diagnosis on here, usually ASD, but this is a child who it seems fairly obvious has ADHD from what you've described. Has he ever seen a paediatrician for assessment? Ask for a referral if not. Have a read at this and see if it rings true to you. www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/when-your-child-has-attention-deficit-disorder-adhd.htm

Op I feel you’re getting really harsh responses here. It’s clear you love both your kids no helpful advice to give, just wanted to say I understand and get how stressful it must be. I hope you get some answers x

My son has ADHD and is a different child when on his Meds, If he misses we can tell straight away-He is much more hyper and silly, To the point he does really irritate me.
I know how you feel,I feel this way a lot of the time about my own son, However he is so witty and full of facts!! I have to try and change my behaviour when I am around him-I am quite impatient and I do have to work at this and remember this is the way he is-and if he takes 20 minutes to tell me a 5 minute story it is just how he is.
I believe if you get the diagnosis and he goes onto medication this will improve things
You also need to learn how to react to him etc, something I do still struggle with

He was assessed through cahms and seen by an educational psychologist and observed in school. He is a perfect child in the meetings etc and has full control over his behavior so they said he can't have adhd or asd because it would be in all situations. Wouldn't help us further.
We then arranged him to see a child mental health therapist without us there for 6 weeks and again no use at all apart from confirming its anxiety. They said to us he's a very mature young man, who comes across as very sensible and controlled. Nothing like at home or at school.
Then because he's had a better year at school with this teacher and all of the covid stuff the sen at school hasn't spoken to us in coming up to 2 years (he's on the sen register)

It sounds like your son doesn't have any friends, and possibly has never had friends. I'm wondering if, at school, this is why he acts up. As a defence against feeling isolated or fear of being ignored and this is perhaps the only way he can get attention?

Also, it sounds like your DH actively dislikes your son. And while you say 'you treat them both equally', you've also said your DH dotes on your DD. Your son will know he is not the favoured child - whether you can see it or not. He will absolutely know that your DH doesn't like him - sorry, but kids pick up on really subtle beahviours from their parents.

So you can't put all the blame on your child for not being 'likeable', you have to take responsibility for how you respond to him and the impact this might have. I would agree that you and your DH need to look at your behaviours first, rather than trying to 'fix' your DS.

I do think people are being a bit harsh here op. I have 3 and my oldest dd sounds similar. At home She talks non stops, interrupts constantly, loses her temper in a second and is very attention seeking/silly. She struggles to focus at school and I am nearly certain she has adhd - girls can show differently - for example my dd will sit at school and appear to be paying attention but in reality she hasn’t heard a word and has no idea what she’s supposed to be doing. I’ve even had a teacher ask me if she has hearing issues as she never seems to know what’s going on. I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her or trying to drown out her chatter to listen to one of my other children. I adore her but she is exhausting!

In your situation if you can afford to I would pay for a private assessment.

@fiveminutebreak I do understand what you say. That's why I'm asking for advice. I am so sad because basically my husband has to put an act on to be nice to his own son and I know it's not real because inside he actively dislikes him. Again with me, I make a huge effort to be really nice and supportive and interested in everything he has to say when inside I feel like crying and so mentally drained from his intensity

I don't understand how a child can have all these problems then when they say 'he's just anxious' no one does anything about that.

Poor boy if it is anxiety causing this - surely someone can advise on this whilst you wait for an adhd check.
And poor soul living with these 3 faultless introverts. That could upset anyone.

I think it's easy for other people to say 'parent him, love him ect'
It sounds really difficult for you and your husband. I echo other pp I think you should get him reassessed. I think once he gets help it will take the pressure off of you. Make life a bit more calm and easier.
Your the one living this not anyone else and you need support and empathy.
Have you tried one on one time with him? Maybe take him out for the day just you and him then a day with him and your husband? So he has both of yours complete attention?

I would keep looking for advice from experts, child psychologists etc, What does his teacher say - she must be able to see his previous records, why is she doing better?
He sounds like my DNephew, very irritating, would play pranks (though not very funny for the one on the receiving end) and always misbehave when you least want it. Also no friends. But I do think it was partly due to my DSis anxieties being picked up by him when small.
Perhaps some counselling for you and DH. Your DD knows her DB, why is she complaining to you about what he does, you'd expect her to be resigned to it, she's making you feel worse. DNephew's sibling just accepted it.

I understand that it's challenging to consider the ways in which we might be unconsciously or consciously rejecting our own children but you are basically repeatedly saying that your husband at least is doing this. Please seek therapy. Your child's mental health is taking a massive hit over this, he will already know that he is the disliked one. I was that child in my family. I am not afraid to discuss this topic. I think we need to discuss it more openly before we diagnose our children even more.

my husband has to put an act on to be nice to his own son and I know it's not real because inside he actively dislikes him
Perhaps it is this - anxiety because he knows his DF doesn't like him. I would think people would know if it was put on.
And he doesn't know how to get him to like him.
I'm not blaming DH as I can see how it happens but DH should speak to someone.

@quincie the dd complains because she's a small child who can't even have her birthday without her brother ruining it with his behaviour. Why shouldn't she complain to her mum?
And to blame the dd for making the OP feel worse is incredibly unfair. She's 7, why should she bottle up all her emotions to protect her mum.
I feel incredibly sorry for your nephew's siblings. It sounds like they just had to put up and shut up because the adults in their lives didn't give a shit

I could have written your post two years ago. My son is now 11 and daughter is 8. Son dominates everything at home and is often so difficult he's ruined weekends/holidays/special occasions. It overshadows our family life. He was diagnosed with ADHD last year and is now on medication. It's really helped (though he's still a handful in the evening when it has worn off). We had a assessment when he was 6 but he was deemed too young and the local services were so stretched we were packed off to deal with it ourselves. It took a couple of switched on teachers to realise something still wasn't right to push for a positive assessment. As parents you have a feeling for what is 'off'. You will get posters here saying to deal with it and poor kid, but living with a kid with ADHD day in day out while also trying to hold your own shit together is not easy! Keep going x

Why shouldn't she complain to her mum?
Because he probably always does it. So I'd have thought it would be expected.

As you have said, your child can’t help being who he is. If there is a reason behind his behaviour/personality then only you can do something about this right now and that’s get him tested for behavioural issues.

Do you think he understands how you feel? Children are not stupid and they know how their parents really feel about them.

As an outsider who is not in your position i can only speculate on what I would do. I’d firstly look into testing ASAP. I’d also start looking at ways to change yours and your DHs behaviour with him. Sitting him down, talking about boundaries and behaviours for a start. I’d stop prioritising his needs over your DDs too.

Maybe start doing things separately as a family, your DS and DH have days out together doing things DS loves, look at the big inflatable courses that are popular these days, have him burn of energy, go ape courses, something he can be loud of extroverted on, go karts... Something that he can be himself on. You may be lucky and DH may start to bond with him in these activities.

While they are doing that you and your DD can focus on something just for her. Then the following month, it’s Mummy Son day and DH has a Daddy daughter day... if these are put into the calendar, he can spend time and energy planning things he’d like to do with you both.

When you do things as a whole family, do things where you can take time out, if say at a theme park and DS is getting too much for one of you, just say, hey why don’t me & you go do this together while dad and your sister go get us some drinks, then dad takes dd off to do something and you meet up after a short pause from each other. Rotate it through the day. I can’t remember the last time we spent the whole day together at a theme park, I usually take the little one off while DH dose the rides with the big 2 then we swap for anything with heights as DH dosnt like them. We meet up at certain times throughout the day, for lunch, drinks or watch shows etc.

I would totally avoid situations you know is going to cause discomfort to everyone quiet places, restaurants etc... anything with restrictions why put you all through that when you know it won’t end well.

Maybe look at some activities where he can also be himself, drama, he can definitely be the centre of attention there and there will be others just like him. One of my DDs would go for 3 hours on a Saturday before covid, something like that would give you all some respite. Or if he’s physical then maybe boxing or kick boxing, in a gym where they will teach him discipline. Maybe set up something at home if you have room.

My DH and I have always done one on one time with each of our DCs, including weekends away, they choose, what they want to do and who with. This way they all get individual time with us.

One thing I’d immediately put a stop to is other people comments and opinions. This is your child, you need to have his back and be 100% on his side.

Other children tell me he irritates them.
My response would be, I’m sure some people think your irritating at times too! If they get upset, tough.

Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality.
my response, I know it’s fantastic isn’t it, not sure who he takes after! Or What do you mean unusual? What are you saying about my son, there is nothing bloody unusual about him!

Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up.
ask them if they want you to gag him? Ask them if they are qualified teachers as surely as teachers they should be use to all sorts of different personalities.

I worry what his adult life will be like. it will be happy if he feels happy and loved.

There is a mum I know through my DCs school, your situations are almost mirrored, DS & DD the same age as yours. Her DS actually got expelled from school though. She said it was the best thing to happen to her son as it meant he was able to get into another school that was better to cater for his needs. I know they do a lot of outdoor activities where he can burn energy off. He loves animals so they focus a lot of time where he can spend time with animals too. But their dd still gets to go her things too.

I don't disbelieve you love him but it frankly does sound like you are none too fond of his extraversion or loudness, even if he wouldn't have ADD or others, and that his dad disliked him him worse, in which case surely it should come as no surprise that he is anxious? He is being disliked for a very essential part of himself.

I am also baffled by your assertion that he is fine now but won't be next years because he will get teachers that are no good match for him - surely that shows he can be a better match with certain teachers, and shouldn't the focus be om getting him into a system where he is, as much as possible, with people who appreciate him.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are making it sound, perhaps believing, that all that you - you, his father, teachers, his sister - feel is an inevitable response to him, which is untrue and which puts the blame for the dynamic firmly on the child. You are the parent, so get help.

It must be horrible knowing no one in the whole world genuinely likes you, not even your own family. From the outside I feel heartbroken for him but I know it's different when you're living it. My sister is like this and was always like this, had to have attention even negative attention. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her 20s but I don't think that's the only reason she is like she is, she has been this way since she was little it just amped up when she hit puberty and went through a series of traumatic events that she was never able to fully recover from. I'm fiercely protective of her but there are days when I'm not sure how I've managed not to kill her, she knows how to press people's buttons. I have no advice, I just want to say you're not alone, other families have been through this too. It's really good that you're seeking help, I think husband could do better though.

What's the anxiety about & is it still being addressed via counselling? Does he feel outclassed or over shadowed by his sister in some way, do they get compared negatively by you or teachers, or is he just generally anxious? I saw that a lot as a Teacher & it was never the problem child who was really a problem, it was a negative family dynamic. It needs to be addressed as the loud class clown thing sounds like a coping strategy & any attention is better than no attention . Scheduling regular one on one time is a good idea for anxious childen. So on DD birthday the prompt would be it's DD day but you have Dad/Mum time tomorrow etc. The empathy & social skills, I'd encourage an interest he has & find a club that he can attend with other children who have that interest & think about a pet. The reason prisons have started introducing animal volunteer work is because research found caring for animals helps build empathy. And yes I'd get him assessed re ADHD.

I also think you need to push a bit more for further assessment. My friends ds was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 15 but this was after he had been expelled and sent to a PRU. The school had said it was just bad behaviour, experts don't always get it right.
Can you afford to have a private assessment?

If you can afford to save up for it I' get a proper assessment, not just an observation in school. He sounds like he has ADHD or ASD.

Your poor little boy.

He absolutely sounds like he may have ADHD or ASD. Please, please go back and push for a diagnosis and don’t stop until you get a referral. Change GP if you have to.

This isn’t his fault. YANBU to find the situation tiring/exhausting and hard. Many parents with SEN children will no doubt be along to offer advice, but I’d just say it’s not surprising you feel the way you do, but please don’t let him be aware of how you feel, and do keep pushing for another assessment.

My friend was told to be stricter as a parent, to ignore attention seeking behaviour, to send to her child to his room or outside to play in the garden, to improve their diet, lots of lots of suggestions that made little difference.

Finally getting an ADHD diagnosis at secondary school and then medication made a huge difference. As an adult he is much less irritating but still struggles with organisation and time keeping.