I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

Go private. Organisations such as Psychiatry UK will assess and treat children and adolescents. Their costs are all listed on the website so that you can be utterly clear about whether you can afford this.

Once your son is stabilised, they will hand over to your GP. You will need to ask them about liaison with school and CAMHS in order to be clear about the path going forwards after diagnosis.

I am also utterly AMAZED that people who purport to be professional psychotherapists are so willing to 'diagnose' your family dynamics on a social media platform, and to also hilariously discount neuro-divergence in the same post. I think you can safely discount any such posts - no actual member of a recognised professional body would do this.

Well they are two very polarised positions

I can very much empathise with this. We have the same dynamic in our family. Older DD has always been a live wire, very chatty, class chatterbox and always ready for mischief. Dominating force in the family. I could tell she wasn't very endearing to her teachers in primary and I can tell certain friends don't warm to her. Many adults tend to like quiet and compliant personalities. My younger DD is very quiet and compliant so gets a lot of warmth and validation from adults.

I too can feel irritation because you can be very bamboozled by strong personalities.
What helps me is ...

1. to see the long term benefits of this type of personality. A strong personality and drive can be harnessed with maturity and is often an asset in the work place. A natural leader maybe.

2. I acknowledge that my DD isn't being naughty, her personality makes it a lot harder to control her impulses. It is very easy for my younger DD to be good. It is a monumental task for my DD1 to sit still and focus.

3. she will not be a lazy adult, she is nearly 15 now and has always helped more readily with chores than my more laid back younger DD.

4. for about a year, she has become a more typical teen and prefers to chat to friends so we get a break from the attention seeking behaviour. I now miss her. However, she still tells me about her life which is very much appreciated. On the other hand I worry that the introverted younger DD will not open up about teen issues and could be more prone to bottling things up.

5. I enjoy her qualities. She never holds grudges and we never struggle for conversation. She is an open book and the teen chat is more interesting than before.

6. She isn't perfect at secondary school (still struggles to focus) but she is never rude and some teachers say she is funny and has a heart of gold.

7. setting very clear expectations of the day/ outing.

8. choose one behaviour at a time that you want to improve and have a reward chart.

9. The most important thing for me was to realise the positive aspects of this type of personality. I had to change my mindset. Stop looking at your child through other people's eyes. He will mature, he will naturally not want to be the centre of attention soon (far from it) .

10. detach from what is happening at school, show him alot of love and kindness and big up the positive aspects. As long as he feels loved and supported, I believe the rest will follow.

I think he has ADHD. Do whatever you have to to get a diagnosis and then support, such as more 1-1 attention in class/ reasonable adjustments at school (guided exams/ movement breaks/ fidget toys etc). In the meantime I’d suggest reading some good resources on it as it will help you understand how his brain works and why he is how he is- this should also help you learn how to manage it.

Just in case it’s not ADHD, it could be age and maturity will help?
My DS really calmed down and came into his own at High school.

Gp, doctors go back and ask for help, they should be able to help.
Push, different doctors.. Keep pushing for docs to assist you.

It's hard to see what else it could be other than ADHD really, though strange that previous assessment refuted this.

OP wrote about the CAMHS assessment
But because he can sit quietly, can focus on things and sleep well they aren't interested

Hyperfocus is a trait of several conditions including ADHD.
www.healthline.com/health/adhd/adhd-symptoms-hyperfocus

Please OP, like so many other parents of children with neurodiversity have said, arrange a private assessment for your son.
You can ask that his history is not discussed in front of him because it's been done previously and he's found it a very negative experience. they certainly can accommodate that.

Don't let him read his reports because they only focus on things he needs help and intervention with, therefore by nature they are very negative and do not give the picture of the whole person.

My extremely ADHD daughter can sit still and apparently pay attention for a teacher she likes (she wishes to please) but very little goes in because all her effort is going on the sitting still.

And she can hyperfocus on things she is genuinely interested in like computer games.

This is not unusual.

Reading your updates I think the nub of the problem is not your son but your husband. You've said he actively dislikes his own son. He idolises the younger sister. No wonder this poor 10yo boy is feeling anxious and trying to make everything about him.

I think you need to protect your son from damaging behaviour by your husband. Growing up in a home where one parent actively dislikes you is incredibly damaging. He's only ten and I wonder if any part of his young life he's felt secure and liked by his own family. This is not your DS fault. Your DH needs to change his ways.

[quote Bslhbwie]@IdblowJonSnow I think my husband struggles to accept it and also grieves in a way for the son that he thought he would have. He was so excited when I was pregnant with a son, had so many plans to do with him. And now such sadness that they have so little in common.
Hes out at work for long hours in a stressful job and then his evenings and weekends are an intense mix of meltdowns, noise, etc and I think he finds it difficult that he doesn't get any down time[/quote]
To a degree this is, of course, understandable. Many people expect that their children will turn out to be a particular sort of person. But your husband has to be a father to the child he has, not the child he wanted. And to "idolise" his daughter, while feeling no connection for his son, is not good for anyone in the family. I would say the same for you, OP. You say you have nothing in common with your son? Surely it is possible to figure out ways that you can interact with your child that all of you will enjoy.

The fact that your son experiences anxiety but expresses it as over-confidence is quite significant. His behaviour is communicating a lot. If you think he doesn't sense that his parents dislike him, you are probably wrong. The family dynamics sound quite distressing for him. I agree with previous posters' suggestions to seek out family therapy.

He may also have ADHD, despite the lack of diagnosis so far. But with or without ADHD, the family dynamics should absolutely be addressed IMO.

It’s been said but he really sounds like the children I meet every day with ADHD

I totally agree about the fact we had to sit and discuss all the things e found difficult about our sons behaviour in front of him! I was very uncomfortable with this and at one point I looked at son and he looked very upset.
That only happened the once though and the other Doctors we saw were much better and one had my Son laughing and he in fact got so giddy he fell over the chair when she asked him to sit down( I think this helped back up our diagnosis)

We take him to all sorts of places, climbing walls, trampoline places, obstacle courses. He's got a bike and we take him off roading with that. He has a best friend who lives in the next street and he plays out a lot with him. This friend has been amazing for him and has really helped him socially. He never says thank you for any of this tho

Some of your expectations seem odd. He's a 10 year old - he is supposed to take his parents for granted. I don't mean he shouldn't say thank you when given presents/treats, but you can't expect him to be in a constant state of gratitude because his DF and his best mate choose to spend time with him.

“Tal45
I would also speak to his teacher - what has she put in place that allows him to thrive?”

Yes, this.

And also what were the qualities about him she saw that you may be missing?

These books might give you insight and hope, OP
“Simplicity Parenting” by Kim John Payne

“Scattered Minds” by Gabor Mate who has a holistic understanding of adhd

“Raising Boys in the Twenty-First Century” by Steve Biddulph. He mentions, “ADHD or DDD ( Dad Deficient Disorder)

“My husband has to put an act on to be nice to his own son and I know it's not real “

Your son will know only too well it’s not real too.

So it’s a vicious circle.

He may have ADHD and he may also have some emotional issues, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

The behaviour around his sister’s birthday and the fact that his dad dislikes him but adores his sister. He was what, 3? When dsis came along? You and DH had been shell shocked by his arrival and now as a toddler here comes the perfect baby girl to show him up as being needy and difficult.

Greylamp100

I can very much empathise with this. We have the same dynamic in our family. Older DD has always been a live wire, very chatty, class chatterbox and always ready for mischief. Dominating force in the family. I could tell she wasn't very endearing to her teachers in primary and I can tell certain friends don't warm to her. Many adults tend to like quiet and compliant personalities. My younger DD is very quiet and compliant so gets a lot of warmth and validation from adults.

I too can feel irritation because you can be very bamboozled by strong personalities.
What helps me is ...

1. to see the long term benefits of this type of personality. A strong personality and drive can be harnessed with maturity and is often an asset in the work place. A natural leader maybe.

2. I acknowledge that my DD isn't being naughty, her personality makes it a lot harder to control her impulses. It is very easy for my younger DD to be good. It is a monumental task for my DD1 to sit still and focus.

3. she will not be a lazy adult, she is nearly 15 now and has always helped more readily with chores than my more laid back younger DD.

4. for about a year, she has become a more typical teen and prefers to chat to friends so we get a break from the attention seeking behaviour. I now miss her. However, she still tells me about her life which is very much appreciated. On the other hand I worry that the introverted younger DD will not open up about teen issues and could be more prone to bottling things up.

5. I enjoy her qualities. She never holds grudges and we never struggle for conversation. She is an open book and the teen chat is more interesting than before.

6. She isn't perfect at secondary school (still struggles to focus) but she is never rude and some teachers say she is funny and has a heart of gold.

7. setting very clear expectations of the day/ outing.

8. choose one behaviour at a time that you want to improve and have a reward chart.

9. The most important thing for me was to realise the positive aspects of this type of personality. I had to change my mindset. Stop looking at your child through other people's eyes. He will mature, he will naturally not want to be the centre of attention soon (far from it) .

10. detach from what is happening at school, show him alot of love and kindness and big up the positive aspects. As long as he feels loved and supported, I believe the rest will follow.“

This post has so much insight and gives hope and perspective I think.

What is his sugar intake like? I have known of children who become very difficult after having sugar.

I had a thought (if you are still here, OP - this must be tough to read). Set up a meeting with the year 5 and year 6 teacher ASAP. Go straight to the Head to arrange this and ask for advice on secondaries too.

You have the possibility here of a) getting the year 5 teacher to advocate for your son plus picking up tips on what worked; b) avoiding a disaster in year 6 and c) heading off issues with secondary, but there are only a couple of months more of year 5, so move fast.

How about talking to next year's teacher in Seotember about strategies to get him to curb the impulses.

A note book, he can note what he wants to say or doodle in.
A fidget toy
Be given more responsibility to do jobs around the classroom or school.
Have a positive reward card. For every 30 minutes he controls his impulses, he gets a stamp.
Always ensure that he apologises if he is told off and acknowledges that this can be tricky for the teacher and his peers. Do this in a gentle way so he doesn't feel disliked.
Get him to decide what will work for him. Talk it through in a positive way. Tell him his personality is awesome and he just needs to allow others to be awesome too.
I think the key is that he is in control of this contract.

Your husband needs to be aware of the imbalance in the way he treats the DC. He might think he hides it well but if you have picked up on it then your DS will have too.
He needs to actively love bomb your DS. Spend 1-1 and quality time really talking to him and listening.

Have you tried Omega 3 fish oil supplements. There was research that it can improve concentration and a link to decreased hyperactivity.

Private ADHD assessment if you can/ask for a second opinion. And for God’s sake get some family therapy or your son will become a family scapegoat and your daughter a golden child and those dynamics are not healthy.

When he was born up to the age of 3 when he started nursery he was a wonderful child. He was still hyper and always on the go and didn't sleep well at that time, but my husband and I absolutely loved being his parents and everyday was great and fun with him. We enjoyed it so much that we decided to try for another baby to be a playmate for him and because we loved being parents so much. So we were not shell-shocked at all by his arrival, it was the best thing that had ever happened to us.

When he started at a school nursery, almost immediately the teachers were wanting to speak to me every day and they put him on the sen register. At the time we were dumbfounded as we couldn't believe there was an issue. They told us that he struggled to focus and sit still at carpet time for example. I was furious at the time, I couldn't accept that a 3 year old would be spoken about this way after only a few weeks at school . So much so, after 12 months of this we changed schools.
Unfortunately the issue persisted there and teacher after teacher were telling us the same thing. So it became obvious there was definitely a problem there. Then as his sister grew as a NT child we could see the striking differences that we didn't realise were there. My husband and I have always had his back and been completely supportive to him with regards to school.

He was always bouncing off the walls at home but he was very young so it was all fun to him. As he has got older, the constant negatively shown towards him at school and me having to be spoken to every day has really got to him until this year. His anxiety spiralled. Then along came an attitude, cheekiness, anger, swearing, moodiness etc in combination with the hyper and impulsiveness which has just made it very difficult for everyone, including him.
Because it is so intense every single day it becomes difficult to see the positives. I am also desperately sad for him and miss that beautiful little boy who didn't have a care in the world. My husband feels exactly the same way, but he struggles with the intensity of it