I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

I think you need to get to a place where you accept him as he is
Accept his quirks and ways
And also be at a degree of peace

People are strange , quirky , wierd

I’d also need you could consider getting some help so that the family dynamic changes

They know when they are in , or out and they pick up
If he is having social issues it’s critical to get the family to a calmer place

I did a parenting course and the golden takeaways were

Ignore what you don’t like
Praise everything you do like
And ensure 1:1 time with them

It’s easier in some ways as I’m a lone parent so not managing a spouse and their reactions

Really unhelpful comment. While this may apply to some families it’s wrong to use your clout as a psychotherapist to assume this applies to OP’s situation.

OP I have a child with ADHD and I absolutely get what you’re saying. His behaviour makes our lives incredibly difficult at times and then I hate myself for feeling so angry/despairing/stressed/disconnected. One of the worst things is dealing with other people’s judgement and/or dismissive behaviour.

Here here.
Living with a child with this disorder is extremely difficult. I often wonder how we're still connected as a couple with such a domineering force and DC who doesn't sleep and finds injustice in every task his interruption causes panic, days of continuous crying his behaviour meltdowns are aggressive and even when he is kind his impulsive nature is unpredictable.

But there is no judgement in saying that we can read that it's difficult and challenging but please have the courage to look at the ways that you may blame your own child for not being how you think he should be. This isn't about anyone else, it's about the parent/child relationship and if you are at school and struggle to form friendships it is utterly shit to return home and be rejected and labelled by your family as to difficult. But I see that that is a bit too far of a stretch and that it is more comfortable to label and carry on letting everyone else know how hard our own children make our lives.

he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time

Make an appointment with this teacher and humbly ask them what they found worked with your son. The environment might be different but you may learn something

I say this humbly from having had similar feelings towards my son (16 with ADHD & ASD diagnosis). I sometimes struggle to think of positives about him but I know 100% that is because of my issues not his.

Ask the teacher to list his positive qualities in class . Keep that list prominent where you and your DH can see them and remember them. If you don't recognise these qualities at home ask yourself why that is. What is is about the environment and the relationships your son has there that makes it difficult to see those qualities as positive.

Getting a diagnosis may also be helpful as may medication but you need to fight for that

The OP is struggling to manage the child’s behaviour and demands. At the end of her tether.

But I see that that is a bit too far of a stretch and that it is more comfortable to label and carry on letting everyone else know how hard our own children make our lives.

So blame the OP. Make her feel like a shit parent. Isn’t tolerant enough, isn’t kind enough, isn’t supportive enough...

Praises and encouragement helps.
It is a bit harder than sticker charts for your family as he is older.
He needs a passion something positive it is hard to find it but very important before he is a teenager.

Interesting that you said he was assessed and dismissed for adhd and asd as your post screamed that at me.

I'd be going down the route again. You need to keep a diary. What he does, how you react, if and how that helps or what consequence is and hammer home how it's affecting his relationships at school and family dynamic.

If you have the means I'd be looking into a private assessment as the already stretched services are beyond belief atm.

I think it’s. dry easy to apply a label of adhd to exptionally lively children when you are yourself of a calm nature.

I agree with the poster who has a teacher experienced such children being very receptive when others weren’t.

The fact that he did have a good year with a teacher who ‘got him’ would indicate that he does respond well to the right personality and is therefore unlikely to be suffering from adhd.

It’s as much of a nightmare for an extrovert to live with introverts as it is for introverts to live with extroverts.

@vivainsomnia

I think it’s. dry easy to apply a label of adhd to exptionally lively children when you are yourself of a calm nature.

I agree with the poster who has a teacher experienced such children being very receptive when others weren’t.

The fact that he did have a good year with a teacher who ‘got him’ would indicate that he does respond well to the right personality and is therefore unlikely to be suffering from adhd.

It’s as much of a nightmare for an extrovert to live with introverts as it is for introverts to live with extroverts.

Don't agree with this at all.

My ds has asd. Most people get him because most people have a general understanding even if it's very shallow.

The odd person throughout his life who refuse to see him as anything as than intensely annoying have had problems with his behaviour. (He isn't naughty and can't be because it's against the rules but he gets uncomfortable and anxious which then causes those behaviours they find annoying to intensify)

The OPs son isn't any different with this teacher. But with acceptance he's more relaxed and can perform better.

I think the situation with ADD/ADHD is one thing, it must be so hard and have so much sympathy, but the post title is “I dislike my son” and the language chosen/ focus shows there is far more to this unhappy situation than the diagnosis and support for that. That should be addressed for sure but surely if cahms advising the issue is anxiety that should be considered, not just this poor little boys impacted on two grown adults (which I feel is how the OP is written and therefore worthy of comment on).

Aside from ADHD ASD etc consider personality OP.
You say you are very quiet as is your DH. Your DS is the opposite, outgoing, loud and mischievous (you say ‘silly’).

Family dynamics can be challenging at the best of times.
Look at the many siblings and parents who are polar opposites and don’t get on or rub each other up the wrong way.
Talk to teenagers and you’ll find many who ‘hate’ their siblings or parents.
Not all families get on.
People can get on your nerves. Including your own DC, parents, siblings, cousins...

Thank you everyone's for taking the time to comment. I have read them all.
The reason my writing was so negative is because firstly it was written when I was particularly annoyed over my daughters birthday and secondly because at the moment all the negative stuff seems to be building up and when you have a child that it so intense, it's sometimes hard to see the positives.
Of course he has many positive attributes. He is very kind. He is funny. He is entertaining in the right situation. He is a walking factfile.
Myself and also my parents (and the school teacher) already treat him as if he has a diagnosis. As in I try to make a lot of allowances for things and constantly tell myself that he can't help it. But my husband, although reminded of this repeatedly, gets worn down the behaviour and then isn't able to make allowances. We kind of go in a loop.

I've researched adhd etc for hours and thought I had a good case when went for diagnosis. But because he can sit quietly, can focus on things and sleep well they aren't interested.
I've stayed away from private assessments because one very bad thing I found at the time was that we had to discuss all of my sons negative traits in front of him which I thought was an awful thing to do and I think that increased his anxieties. He would often ask me why are we taking him to these places. I explained it was to help him and us, but he didn't get anything positive out of it which I understand.

My advice would be, Get the explosive child by Ross greene, and join add-Vance online. I would think very carefully about where he goes to school. Somewhere strict is no good. For my DS he eventually got excluded and he went to the local education support centre. It was so so much better as they actually understood him and understood it wasn’t bad behaviour. He said to me “mum if I had gone there for longer I would have got some GCSEs”, he is very bright but was completely turned off at school. I think he has pda as well as adhd. The right environment makes a massive difference.

It’s so rubbish that there is so little support. I have recently started taking anti anxiety tablets which I must say I resisted for a long time. But actually they help me deal with him better! He is very very focused on risky behaviour and that has caused me tremendous stress. This is adhd but it’s hard for a parent (he is 17 now)

@Heatingsystemwoes

The OP is struggling to manage the child’s behaviour and demands. At the end of her tether.

But I see that that is a bit too far of a stretch and that it is more comfortable to label and carry on letting everyone else know how hard our own children make our lives.

So blame the OP. Make her feel like a shit parent. Isn’t tolerant enough, isn’t kind enough, isn’t supportive enough...

I'm not blaming the OP. I am trying to voice a different viewpoint. This isn't about being a good or bad parent, this is about how we relate to our children. There is so much research and evidence that how we are treated in childhood informs our whole lives. So if we parent in a way that we tell our child they are unmanageable and need constant assessment they learn a very hard lesson about themselves that they carry forever. I know it's a tricky one to swallow but our children are with us from day zero, they learn from us, they breathe in our air, they learn their behaviour from us. If we can't challenge our viewpoint about them then what hope do they have. They are stuck forever as the problem.

Your description of your DS has reminded me of Ken Robinson talking about the choreographer Gillian Lynne and the difficulties she experienced as a girl.

I wonder if he might thrive in a Performing Arts environment. People like Robin Williams and Jim Carrey probably annoyed the heck out of other people in primary school but eventually their exuberance was channelled into performance and they ended up getting paid for being hyper.

I think it’s important to recognise that it’s ok to not always like our children. My husband and I sometimes say what a knob our son can sometimes be.
I do wonder though, whether your son will be sensing a disconnect between his parents, sister and himself. I wonder whether you’re leaking your true feelings towards him. I’m not saying you don’t love him, it’s clear you do.
It’s very difficult when a child is so draining and hard work. Hope you manage to get sorted.

CrazyNeighbour

As the sibling of someone who, as I said, ran riot over us all (other younger brothers and sisters included) when we were children you are indeed crazy to suggest that our intolerance of this was due to the fact that our parents had ‘groomed us’ into scapegoating our brother.
As I said, he is behaving the same to his own family now. Wife and children.
Who groomed them?

I do wonder though, whether your son will be sensing a disconnect between his parents, sister and himself.

I would say that this is a real possibility.
The OP said that they have mismatched personalities. Introverted/extroverted.

@Bslhbwie

Thank you everyone's for taking the time to comment. I have read them all. The reason my writing was so negative is because firstly it was written when I was particularly annoyed over my daughters birthday and secondly because at the moment all the negative stuff seems to be building up and when you have a child that it so intense, it's sometimes hard to see the positives. Of course he has many positive attributes. He is very kind. He is funny. He is entertaining in the right situation. He is a walking factfile. Myself and also my parents (and the school teacher) already treat him as if he has a diagnosis. As in I try to make a lot of allowances for things and constantly tell myself that he can't help it. But my husband, although reminded of this repeatedly, gets worn down the behaviour and then isn't able to make allowances. We kind of go in a loop.

I've researched adhd etc for hours and thought I had a good case when went for diagnosis. But because he can sit quietly, can focus on things and sleep well they aren't interested.
I've stayed away from private assessments because one very bad thing I found at the time was that we had to discuss all of my sons negative traits in front of him which I thought was an awful thing to do and I think that increased his anxieties. He would often ask me why are we taking him to these places. I explained it was to help him and us, but he didn't get anything positive out of it which I understand.

Op, there’s a chance that you might have to test again. One of my siblings was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia at uni. Before uni, they kept on passing the dyslexia test. They were also very disorganised, lack of focus for long periods of time, and very forgetful. But school only focused on “good” behaviour so they were never diagnosed with ADHD. And as the school didn’t notice the other factors, thinking my sibling was well-behaved but either average or under-performing, my mum would say that my sibling wasn’t like this at home. My sibling was for sure better behaved in school but the disorganization, lacking in focus, and forgetfulness were still there but teachers never pinpointed this. At secondary school, they went by the ADHD diagnosis of primary school so those who passed that test in primary weren’t tested again, despite teachers pushing for this, but they were tested again for dyslexia so the school could decide on who to give extra time in exams etc. My sibling once forgot about an important exam but the school still didn’t think much of it. Every time we watched a movie, we had to stop and explain what was going on.

The thing is, we had to do the dyslexia test every year, which was given by either homeroom teacher and later on, in college, the form tutor. It was and it was always the same test so I don’t know if that was why they passed. But when they went to uni, they found it hard to concentrate or sit still and couldn’t retain any information. They were missing deadlines because they were very unorganised. Initially the uni thought it was a standard case of a disorganised student, but I pushed my sibling to go to student services. They were tested by the counselling department for ADHD and dyslexia and found that my sibling had both. This had some kind of backlash from their old friends as it was thought that they were “putting it on” to get extra support.

It was only until my sibling went to university did they get the support they needed. All these years, they could have gotten extra time for exams due to dyslexia. They wouldn’t have been penalised in exams due to SPAG errors if they dyslexia was diagnosed. They were better at coursework based subjects and I would help proofread even when they went to uni. I just felt that this wasn’t normal to make this level of mistakes and not to remember anything from a lecture and they were studying a STEM subject so they clearly were very bright. Therefore, I asked them to get help from SSU and thankfully they did.

@CrazyNeighbour
You're very definite in your damning of a family/parents that you dont even know

My son has several similarities with your son. He is 11. When he was about 8-9 he has a bad year or 2 at school where he acted as the class clown, distracting other children and getting into lots of trouble. Since then he has called down, but in some ways almost too much as he appears shy and quiet. He has struggled academically too, we think because he missed so much during his silly phase. The teacher does not seem to know why he can't do well at school as says he is not stupid but have put him on the SEN register recently to try and get to the bottom of it. I think he does have anxiety at school and that was why he acted as he did a couple of years ago but feel like maybe we cracked.down on it too much and now he is too quiet.

As the sibling of someone who, as I said, ran riot over us all (other younger brothers and sisters included) when we were children you are indeed crazy to suggest that our intolerance of this was due to the fact that our parents had ‘groomed us’ into scapegoating our brother.
It is always nice when you have someone with lived experiences post on the thread.
Shocking judgement from the retired psychotherapist blaming the parents for the disabled DC's challenging behaviour.
You're post brought it home to me about your Dbro we've strict boundaries and charts setup.
My DD like pp's behaves very well and is often pushed out and controlled by DS.
We all are.
We adore him but he is hard work.

Having read one of your updates OP, i think your DH needs to buck up. You say many people already treat your son as if he has a diagnosis. But not your DH. Why does he not bother?
You sound like a good, responsible parent in a difficult situation to me. Agree that occasions can emphasize any existing issues.