I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

OP my child is exactly the same, I get it, I really do. I have no advice but it's incredibly draining and exhausting and the worst part is the judgement from other people who do not have to live with it and have no idea because their children are NT. It's so easy to say "just do this" or to slate you for feeling exhausted and irritated after years. It's not that easy.

Do you ever tell him to shut up? Do you ever discipline him? Do you ever give him positive attention? Set boundaries? You say you shower him with love and affection- what does that actually mean when it sounds like the pair of you actually resent him?

He sounds exactly like my DS who has been diagnosed with ADHD. He is just like that on his sister’s birthday. I had him diagnosed privately in the end. It is so hard I agree, you love them but find their behaviour very difficult. It gets slightly easier when you realise this behaviour is not a choice for them. Medication didn’t really work for him, actually what had worked best is recognising he is different and letting him be himself a lot of the time. I think you will need to keep on with the diagnosis as his needs in school will become much greater at secondary school. I regret the school we sent my DS to as it was very strict; they didn’t really get him and he ended up being excluded.

@joystir59, as a PP says, one of the worst things to deal with is other people’s judgment . I have a DD who is completely conformist, obedient, well behaved etc. So please, until you have walked in the shoes, don’t judge those parents whose children have behavioural difficulties. It really is very hard for us.

I had a friend with a dc like yours. The thing that stood out then and does now is that you're spending so much time trying to 'fix him' that you don't understand who he is. You just want a different dc.
Every post is negative about this dc.

You need professional help because you're lost.
I feel your frustration and feel really sad for this anxious 10 year old boy.

I lost touch with my friend and often wonder what happened to her ds.

Op can I suggest you read up on Disorganised attachment Your son sounds like he could perhaps fall under that category and it can manifest itself very like ADHD and there has been examples of people being misdiagnosed with ADHD.

An article here hopefully will get you started. If it is disorganised attachment the good news is it can be supported and helped but you will need some professional help there as it is about how you change your parenting style.

It’s hard to bring up a child who is so different to us and I find the introverted vs extroverted element often the biggest one to deal with. I have the opposite. Everyone in the family extrovert, my ds being the introvert. I am probably the closest to the line so understand him the best but his dad doesn’t at all and even at times, I’ve found his behaviour frustrsting.

What has helped me was to accept that this was his personality and that with all comes good things and some not so good. Once you can see the good, however totally different to the rest of the family, it becomes easier to manage it and support him to also appreciate his quality, hence helping him with his self esteem.

He seems to show the standard qualities of someone into acting, or that ends up being a leader in his field. Can you encourage him to take part in activities that value these characteristics? Then you cam start to talk to him about moderating some behaviours which although natural to him can irritate and cause him potential trouble when too extreme. This can be done very gently but only if he gets the rewards of being able to be himself in an environment that suits his personality.

Fleetheart I totally agree. Living with an ADHD child is exhausting. They dominate everything and can really test the boundaries of parental love. Judgement from others that dont have to deal with it day in, day out, is the worst. It's not something that a parenting course can sort out.

Please pursue other avenues for diagnosis.

Regardless of whether or not he has a diagnosis, you and your DH should access parenting support. This is key to supporting your son, and alleviating some of the chronic stress you are currently under.

My DS is 6 and autistic. His primary therapy is actually the 2 hours per week I spend with an advanced behavioural support practitioner. She and I brainstorm strategies for managing DS's behaviours, and the strategies ALWAYS focus on DH and I, not DS. I vent to her, cry - and she is just fantastic at triggering in me compassionate, loving feelings toward DS (rather than... anger and frustration) by reframing his behaviours in ways that help me understand what is motivating him to do what he does. I am sure this type of support would be immensely beneficial to you both, but particularly your DH.

I am also on antidepressants, which have been critical in 'taking the edge off' my stress levels.

Your son is managing brilliantly with a laid-back teacher - you either need to advocate for a similar natured teacher for him for next year, or find a different school. Placing him with a teacher whose personal style is set in stone will damage him.

The more you understand your son's neurodivergence, the easier he will be to parent - and to like.

Just to be clear, I am not judging or attaching you. I just believe our children show up to us as they are, and we project lots of our stuff on to them and end up labelling them with all sorts. No one has an easy time raising children, it is an illusion that it should be otherwise. It is also one thing to say you love someone and another one to feel that love, we all know that. Put yourself in your son's shoes and ask yourself if you are loving him or managing him.

I have a friend who has a similar sounding son. He is as you describe but he does have lots of positive qualities. He is a very talented actor and entertainer which your son might be too. I would take him to drama school and try and channel some of that energy in the right way. He might gel with other similar children there too.

You are going to need to throw some money at this problem somehow for the sake of your marriage, younger daughter and especially your poor son. Find a decent private assessment centre.

I completely get how hard it is. I have an ASD ADHD 8 year old who masks quite successfully at school and can be demonic at home.

Go on the websites of the ASD and ADHD charities (PDA too), read all the advice and find other parents in a similar position who will sympathise and give practical tips (we found a great Facebook group). You can ask other parents for recommendations of private assessment centres.

Never mind year 6, you need to think about year 7 now as that's where the wheels tend to come off.

Find a counsellor to talk to yourself as you sound very anxious, understandably.

Your DH needs to build connection with your son - at least one activity they both enjoy.

As a teacher l can see how the different styles of teaching can affect your ds. I am like your teacher this year and have found when a child like yours moves on to the next class and the teacher talks about him it's like we are speaking about a different child. They are constantly complaining about how impossible he is while all l can remember is a guy full of energy and enthusiasm who made me laugh and who l actually really liked. Getting negative reports from teachers can really change how you think about your child as all you want is a quiet life without constant complaints.This then transfers to stress at home.
Do a parenting course or read up on parenting styles. Try to think iscthere someone in the family he is like eg your brother or dhs . Seeing family traits can improve the bonding too.
Even if your ds is formally diagnosed with ADHD you still have to live with him. So learning strategies is vital. Keep strict rules but try to constantly catch him doing the right thing and praise him. Speak words of encouragement over him over day . Getting a good report from teacher is a great time to do that. Read out to him what teacher said and remind him every day.

He is already diagnosed by a professional as anxious, living in a home where his family actively do not like him will make him more anxious. Imagine how working with people who all hate your presence would make you feel.

Hi OP. He really does sound like he has ADHD. We went through the NHS and they declined to diagnose DS with ADHD and wanted to reassess in six months. My DS was 9 at the time and I cried in the doctor's office because I was at the end of my tether and KNEW it was ADHD. Paid £800 for a private assessment and Lo and behold, ADHD was diagnosed.

Life was hell between the ages of 9-11 and my relationship with my DP suffered badly. DS is now medicated. He struggles with school but as a person, he is a wonderful, funny, kind human being and most importantly we now understand why he is the way he is. We pick our battles, hold our tongue, and try to embrace his quirks. I think a diagnosis will help your family to understand your son and hopefully help him to understand himself.

In the meantime, I really recommend the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys.

Good luck

"I am 100% positive he has adhd but no one will help us. "

I get really frustrated with statements like this.... PAY for a PRIVATE DIAGNOSIS.

People seem to expect the NHS to step up and sort it out....but for non-life threatening condition private is the way to go if you want something to happen quickly.

@junebirthdaygirl

As a teacher l can see how the different styles of teaching can affect your ds. I am like your teacher this year and have found when a child like yours moves on to the next class and the teacher talks about him it's like we are speaking about a different child. They are constantly complaining about how impossible he is while all l can remember is a guy full of energy and enthusiasm who made me laugh and who l actually really liked. Getting negative reports from teachers can really change how you think about your child as all you want is a quiet life without constant complaints.This then transfers to stress at home. Do a parenting course or read up on parenting styles. Try to think iscthere someone in the family he is like eg your brother or dhs . Seeing family traits can improve the bonding too. Even if your ds is formally diagnosed with ADHD you still have to live with him. So learning strategies is vital. Keep strict rules but try to constantly catch him doing the right thing and praise him. Speak words of encouragement over him over day . Getting a good report from teacher is a great time to do that. Read out to him what teacher said and remind him every day.

I loved reading this. I have a son with adhd and his class teacher this year genuinely likes and enjoys my son and it makes SUCH a difference: to me, but especially to him. His confidence and self worth have increased immeasurably. Thank you for doing what you do.

Op - get him diagnosed. Give him love and understanding. Your perspective on him will change and so will his behaviour.

I never saw a situation like this where, looking in from the outside, the 'problem' child seemed to be in any way to blame. Generally speaking the problems in the family came from situations that existed before they had even been born but something about them made it easy for them to be scapegoated. In your son's case his demanding behaviour seems to be that issue.

So when my sibling ran riot over our family growing up - always pushing in, dominating, demanding attention, pushing others out of his way that was my parents fault was it? Mine too? We ‘scapegoated him’?

Your issue right now seems to be that whatever angle you’re tackling this from, it’s not working. You’re fighting with your husband, you’re both fighting with DS (him overtly, you even just inside emotionally), DS is fighting with his sister for every bit of attention.

So we know that the children obviously aren’t going to be the problem solvers, which means it’s up to you and DH. Maybe set aside a time after the children are in bed to sit down and talk through a strategy, maybe based on some of things you’ve read here. But you need to talk about DS and come up with a plan (“are we going to try to discipline as if he’s neurotypical? Do we want to trial that? Do, instead, we feel confident it’s ADHD or autism, even if he masked in front of CAMHS, and we want to seek a private diagnosis? Can we do that immediately, perhaps even private extra insurance through one of our jobs, or do we need to save up?”), and I really recommend your first words be along the lines of, “I love you and I hate fighting about this, and I want to come up with a plan together. I’m willing to listen and try.” And you may need to be willing to try something your husband thinks will work, even if you’re unsure (with the exception of corporal punishment which is never the answer) - it’s compromise. Because you may ask him to do the same. You may need to have check-ins together once a week to talk about what’s working and what isn’t. You may not find the right answer right away. But if you don’t work together, I’m afraid you’ll both end up resenting DS and each other, which is a terrible way to live.

So when my sibling ran riot over our family growing up - always pushing in, dominating, demanding attention, pushing others out of his way that was my parents fault was it? Mine too? We ‘scapegoated him’?

Just to add to my previous post above.
What about now this person is an adult and does the same within his own family.
Are his wife and DC scapegoating him too?

I like Right's suggestion above (although a lot of DC have sleep issues too, so I hope that's not the case here -- DH and I were very lacking in sensible adult conversation after the 2-4 hour battle to get DD to sleep each night).

While reluctantly accepting that what tick said is true, these conditions are very serious. I have felt suicidal at times. They break up relationships. It is wrong that the NHS helps so little. I have spent thousands trying to get help for us and our daughter. Would anyone think that was okay if it was a physical health condition? What are people supposed to do who are hard up?

@Confusedandshaken

I am a psychotherapist (retired) who worked primarily with couples and young people. I would often see family dynamics like this. I would get couples telling me their marriage and home life would be great if it wasn't for X child. I'd see young people who were blamed for all the family ills and I'd see the child who had the burden of being the golden, peacemaker child of the family.

I never saw a situation like this where, looking in from the outside, the 'problem' child seemed to be in any way to blame. Generally speaking the problems in the family came from situations that existed before they had even been born but something about them made it easy for them to be scapegoated. In your son's case his demanding behaviour seems to be that issue.

I would strongly recommend that you look at family therapy or if that's not available some couples therapy for you and your DH.

Really unhelpful comment. While this may apply to some families it’s wrong to use your clout as a psychotherapist to assume this applies to OP’s situation.

OP I have a child with ADHD and I absolutely get what you’re saying. His behaviour makes our lives incredibly difficult at times and then I hate myself for feeling so angry/despairing/stressed/disconnected. One of the worst things is dealing with other people’s judgement and/or dismissive behaviour.

Sawaan

I agree.