I love but dislike my own child

[Bslhbwie]

I've name changed for this because I'm so ashamed. Can anyone relate to this and tell me it gets better or give me any advice on how to make it better?
Background.... I have two kids. Eldest is a boy age 10. Youngest a girl age 7. Husband and I are married, we are both nearly 40. Have a lovely life and lovely home.
My son has been a very difficult child since day one really. He is very intense. Pretty hyper. He has a lot of attention seeking behaviour at home, with extended family and also at school.
In the past every teacher has had to speak to me almost daily about him shouting out and being distracting /distracted in class. He is a class clown type of child. (never been naughty). He gets on the other children's nerves and struggles socially. Everything has to be his way, and about him. Hes not interested in other peoples likes or feeling , and doesn't show much empathy. His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me until this past year where he's had a lovely teacher mixed with him getting older and maturing and hes just had a wonderful report for the first time. But I know it won't last. School pushed me to get him assessed as they were thinking adhd/autism. He went through cahms and was observed in school etc and they discharged him saying no issues, just anxious, which was a shock to us as he comes across as a very confident loud person, but once we discussed all this and he had some counselling we could see this was an act he puts on.
Anyway, my husband and I are quiet people, introverted really. Our daughter is the same. Whereas our son is very extraverted, loves being around people and being the centre of attention. Basically the opposite to us. We have nothing in common at all. Because we are together alot, especially this last year with covid, the impact of the way he acts is causing a lot of negative feelings in our family that I find very upsetting. We treat both of our children equally and we shower them both with love and affection but it's difficult sometimes.
Today is our daughters birthday. He has spent alot of the time trying to get the attention away from her and on to him and it just causes such negative feeling towards him. I sometimes wish that he would just go away a bit and give us a break from the intensity and allow our daughter to have some attention on her for once. (feel terrible saying that).
As time has gone on my husband says that he finds him very difficult to be around, mentally draining and just plain irritating. Every holiday or day out we go on or family gathering etc is dominated by his loudness, attitude, constant talking, interrupting, impulsive silliness etc.
I feel so awful that my husband feels this way that I try to overcompensate with love for my son because I feel sorry for him that he has these struggles and comes across to people in this way. But I'm starting to feel the same way. I get so frustrated with how he is sometimes and wish he was easier to be around. Other children tell me he irritates them. Friends and family comment to me about his unusual personality. Teachers always commenting how he never shuts up. I worry what his adult life will be like.
Can anyone advise me how to make our family a happier unit as I feel like it's him against us and I don't want it to be like that. I genuinely think that if we didn't have our daughter who my husband idolises he would have left us because every argument we have is about our son

School have put things in place at our insistence but again it's all dependent on the teacher and then covid has added an extra layer of difficultly in there as I said previously the sen lead at school is supposed to meet us every six months and his pupil passport and education plan updated and its coming up to 2 years since she has contacted us
He has fidget spinners and cubes, he has emotion cards to show. At our insistence he is allowed to go into the store room /office for a break if he needs it.
In previous years if he needed a consequence /punishment at school they would keep him in at playtime. They would take away the only thing he needed to burn off energy. I was told its school policy and cannot be changed for him.
I've got plans to speak to his teachers as I always do to explain his ways and what things work best and but it never seems to happen when he goes into a new class they disregard everything they was told to them. It is very frustrating

I'm surprised an experienced psychotherapist would choose to make this point on a thread where the op is so patently struggling. I've no doubt what you say is often the case, but the problem with this blanket perspective is that it is very judgemental towards parents who are often doing their very best in difficult circumstances

I have a similar background and I’ve made the same point. Where dynamics are very entrenched, like they seem to be here, sometimes you have to say what you see. All parties here are clearly struggling and it’s very difficult, but the fact remains that what they’re doing isn’t working, the help they’ve had has been poor, and they need to change things. The kids will of course have a part to play in that, but the primary responsibility for changing the family dynamics will be with the parents - both of them.

There’s also clearly some grief going on here on the OP’s part that she didn’t get the kind of kid she hoped for/expected. That is hard for parents of ND kids, it does bring challenges and it’s important that parents get a space to work through that independently of the child(ren) and get to come to terms with the reality of raising a ND kid. That’s super important, so I’m definitely not judging the OP for feeling what she feels.

Schools have behaviour policies like this; my son also got the sharp end of this; they should make reasonable adjustments but most of the teachers, particularly in secondary do not understand ADHD and the variability of behaviour although often they think they do.

So I would repeat to you please think very hard about the right school, and see if you can get the cash for a private assessment. He definitely will need an EHCP (not that the schools will tell you that!)

We've never been able to get him an ehcp. Schools wise I'm just at a complete loss. There are just standard high schools I'm our area and no kind of provision for things like this apart from the schools for more severe disability which he can't access. I'm also a member of a local support group who have tons of advice specifically to our area and the school side seems to be lacking in support.
Our son wants to go to the feeder high school with the rest of his class. This will help his anxiety he says as he will know people.plus his best friend is going there. Of courses we will pull him out and transfer if it doesn't work out but that's where he wants to go.
And again due to covid we aren't able to go to look at the high school etc. Just have to choose blind

I’m a big believer in endurance sports for children with this level of energy. My kids don’t have ADHD but do do triathlons and the circuit is full of kids with “so much energy I can’t cope with him/her normally.”

In endurance sports it is actually a positive to not have an off button.

Is there a swimming club, a running club, a cycling club he can join. Evolution has made your son how he is (thousands of years ago your son would be the one catching the woolly mammoth when everyone else was exhausted and thus stopping the whole tribe from starving to death) so you just need to find a way of harnessing that strength.

He needs to be pushed hard to use his energy in a positive way. Michael Phelps is a good example of this - no “normal” ten year old could train as hard as he could but he was fine with it.

You can apply for an ECHP yourself so maybe that would be the next thing to pursue, so it can be in place for secondary? In some ways it's a positive that there's little choice for secondary, as you know what you're dealing with.

www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/special-educational-needs/your-rights/getting-an-ehcp/

Its interesting hearing that his relationships with you both before age 3 were great and really positive. Did he start nursery around the same time as his little sister arrived? Could those changes have kick started all the anxiety?

the sen lead at school is supposed to meet us every six months and his pupil passport and education plan updated and its coming up to 2 years since she has contacted us

The squeaky wheel gets the grease

Start emailing / calling them regularly.

Escalate it if you don't get a response.

You need an update each term AT LEAST.

Covid not an excuse.

Write to governors if you don't get anywhere. If SENCO too busy they need to fund more hours.

Make a written record of all requests.

Make a written record of all behaviours.

Why can't you get an EHCP? What happened when you applied? Did you appeal? You can apply yourself you know?

You haven't mentioned private assessment?

Have you got a list of all schools in your area? Do any have a resource base? Have you spoken to the SENCOs and pastoral heads there? What do they say? What are their sen policies like?

Would you consider moving to an area with better schools?

You and your DH are your son's only advocates and it sounds like you've given up on him a bit.

@baldafrique

Its interesting hearing that his relationships with you both before age 3 were great and really positive. Did he start nursery around the same time as his little sister arrived? Could those changes have kick started all the anxiety?

That probably didn't help, but before school age children have many fewer restrictions put on them.

It sounds like at his nursery he was expected to sit still and be quiet, follow instructions etc and that's when the problems showed up.

Before then he probably didn't have that expectation put upon him.

I meant more that it is evidence against the "early parenting" idea proposed by some on this thread

I'd robustly challenge that diagnosis as it sounds like some kind of attention deficit, or autism which can look similar because the child isn't 'reading the room' and is oblivious to the usual social cues. My son is autistic in that way, diagnosed at 12 after similar fob offs. Once you have that diagnosis more support appears and his behaviour is taken in context not just being naughty or silly. It's the age when the 'silly' ones begin to look more different to their increasingly sophisticated peers and it's hard for them to understand why they're losing friends and being told off more than other people. Now my son shrugs his shoulders and says "I'm autistic" if anyone laughs at him. It's like his armour and it's helped his confidence massively and things have settled down as a consequence.

I think you need to get him assessed to see if there is a diagnosis so you can help him? I understand its draining and it must be so hard, for you all. Dont feel guilty for feeling this way, definately get him checked out ?

We enjoyed it so much that we decided to try for another baby to be a playmate for him and because we loved being parents so much. So we were not shell-shocked at all by his arrival, it was the best thing that had ever happened to us

Apologies OP. I must have misinterpreted something you said upthread about the change in your relationship dynamic when he was born.

I just wondered if the arrival of Dsis was a contributory factor, adhd notwithstanding.

His whole school experience so far has been a nightmare for me

How has it been for him? It sounds like his natural behaviors are incompatible with a school environment, which is difficult for all concerned.

Your posts mostly seem to focus on the issues caused by his school situation, so would home ed be an option? I appreciate that spending more time with him might seem counter intuitive in terms of diving your problems, but without the pressure of having to sit down, be quiet etc that he's getting at school, he might not struggle so much to focus his energy in a more positive manner.

We've had to homeschool for basically twelve months due to covid and he hated it. He actually loves people and wants to be with his classmates, he hates nothing more than being alone.

With regard to school at age 3, that's what it was. He was allowed to be himself at home and I didn't have anyone to compare him to. We were only made aware of his "differences" by his teachers.

We actually have a virtual parents evening on Wednesday so I'm going to write a list of what I want to ask and set some expectations and ask why the hell we haven't heard from the sen lead

If you have joined a local charity then they may be able to advise you. I would also consider asking for support from sendiass they have been very helpful to me in school meeting situations

The problem is that schools generally seem to spend most of their time trying to fob you off. In herts where I am this is particularly true. So it may be better where you are. There are generally some schools who do cater for adhd children but you need to fight and of course an EHCP and diagnosis are needed. But your son obviously needs help and support.

We've had to homeschool for basically twelve months due to covid and he hated it. He actually loves people and wants to be with his classmates, he hates nothing more than being alone.

He wouldn't be on his own if he were home educated - there are loads of groups and activities in most areas of the country, so he would be able to get the social stimulation he craves without the negativity of not fitting with school routines.

Home ed during covid was nothing like it can be when you deregister. It can be hugely beneficial to kids who suffer the problems you describe - lots of opportunities for more hands on learning and less focus on the rule following needed in a class of 30.

Good idea OP.

I'm sure you've heard about people fighting for their kids at school - you literally have to fight. You are highly unlikely to have anyone give you the answers or adjustments you need without fighting for it.

ADHD mum here and I'd diagnose your child myself just off your OP. I'm glad you can see it. You need to save up and go private - nothing else is going to help. When you see him on medication you will cry that you didn't do it sooner. Imagine him being at peace and able to enjoy the family with you?

I feel so much empathy for you because it is tricky when one child takes the focus and energy. I totally get it. It's not your fault. Nor his of course but that doesn't make it yours either! I do try to remind my child (who is also a child not just a condition!) that other people matter too. But family life does sometimes feel like 'The Jack show' (not his real name).

OP
This was a very interesting programme about an alternative treatment for ADHD ( without the side effects and lack of proven long term benefits) while at the same time being entirely sympathetic about the condition.

“The Doctor Who Gave up Drugs” Series 2, episode 1. It is mixed in with information about Calpol but is very interesting and worth watching.

The book, “ Simplicity Parenting” by Kim John Payne also mentions how a form of PTSD can be mistaken for ADHD, and “Raising Boys in the 21st Century” by Steve Biddulph mentions the effects of “dad deficiency” so this where family therapy might possibly help, don’t you think?

How do you know the teacher is "more lenient"? Perhaps this teacher is giving the support required. It screams ADHD/ASD to me but one thing you can do is to look for new ways to meet his needs. What physical activity can he do at home to redirect his anxiety? Look into sensory processing, he may need some simple adjustments at home to give the feedback he is seeking. Can you set aside 10 mins 3 times a day and get him used to using theses slots as the time when he can get your undivided attention? Take turns with your DH. Stick to the same rough time slot each day to be consistent and give him attention. Listen to him and reflect back. Listening to children in an unpressured way is so nessecarry and you'll reap the rewards. He will need drilled in how to "wait" for the talk time. Try not to use any negative language at first, and see what happens, it's harder than that, I know but it can help. Remove environmental "white noise" when you can. Switch screens off, open window a bit, circulate air. Keep colours in his room calm and pastelly, not Primary colours that overstimulate the brain, remove clutter where you can in his room. Make it calm and see what happens, he can't regulate himself so his motor runs constantly. Really draining but you need to notice the issues and try to help.