To say women can have it all?

[BlossomOnTrees]

1. A strong and loving marriage or relationship
2. Gorgeous kids
3. Financially stable with lots of extra left over
4. Close family and friends
5. Fantastic and high paying job.

People do have everything on your list but not everyone would agree that your list is right.

A woman I worked with had all the things you mention. Nanny came at 7am, got baby up and dressed, breakfasted so Mum could get ready and just had to kiss baby goodbye. When she got home from work, baby had had tea and bath and all Mum had to do was read bedtime story. Fast forward and the children were weekly boarders, home for quality family time at the weekend. She had it all in her mind. Not at all in mine.

What an annoying post ! 'Gorgeous kids' urgh. Cue lots of smug responses from people telling us about their amazing lifes.

I've read the OP several times and can't decide if OP is serious or being a GF.

Like my kids are obviously gorgeous but also behave like the spawn of Satan..do they cancel out?
My close family and friends help me out but are also intrusive and over involved in my life?
Nothing like this is ever so black and white as ticking a box.
If only life were so simple.

It is not possible to have a well paid job and keep close ties with family and friends. I quit my job and finally made some local friends and started getting back into my hobbies. We could easily afford to live on one income. Then recruiters kept calling, and I was too excited about the challenge of a new job that I forgot about all the things I would be giving up. I will once again have no time for anything except work.

You can have it all so long as only one of those areas on your list cracks off at once. Two areas explode at once and you'll be in trouble.

If you have a lot of luck you can have all this. Generally you need a very good start in life with supportive middle class parents, and good educational achievements.

At a major disadvantage are children born into poverty. Far less likely to achieve those things.

However even the most amazing life can be derailed easily. Disabled child, life changing illness, redundancy, spousal affair.

If you are lucky enough to have this ideal set up then be grateful every day.

It is not possible to have a well paid job and keep close ties with family and friends.

I disagree with that although I guess it depends on what you class as a well paid job.

DH & I are very close to family & friends, family lives super close & friends are from school so very tight bonds.

The issue is Time. If you’re working a high powered job then that takes a lot of hours. Your remaining time would be spent with your kids, leaving no time for friends and very little for your husband, especially if the kids don’t sleep. If you want lots of free time to have friendships and spend school holidays with your kids then you can’t have a high powered job, you’re probably looking for a term time only position. It’s impossible to have it all because there aren’t enough hours in the day.

A tiny percentage could achieve that list. But it hasn't got things on which are important to many so not everyone would just want to achieve those things.
Can we stop saying that men take those things for granted? I've grown up in WC Liverpool, born in the 60's. Most of the people, including men are just grateful to be in work. Why do you think that drug dealing and crime is seen as a valid choice by many? Because they know that they have no chance of ever earning much over minimum wage. Most people I know put value in a good work/life balance and just cut their cloth. Men also struggle with friendships and family issues. That list is a matter of luck. Look at the Cains, I'm sure they'd swap their lives for a couple working in Tesco if it would have changed the outcome of Azaylia's health.

It is time. If you have a well paid job then that is not going to be done in a few hours a day. So time for kids, friends, hobbies, exercise all gets eaten up.

For me that’s not having it all. If I don’t have TIME.
Time is the most precious thing. I’m lucky that we don’t have to worry too much about money but I don’t have it all as I sacrificed a full on career for more time and less stress.

It is not possible to have a well paid job and keep close ties with family and friends.

I find this so weird. Do you honestly think nobody with a well paid job has close friends/ family?

I think you could be unhappy even if you had all those things and happy even if you don’t. It’s more about outlook and appreciating what you have. Comparatively few people would have all those things though.

Many well paying jobs have long hours, require travel or some sort of sacrifice - which is why they are well paying. Therefore less time for other stuff. However there will be some jobs that have both good pay and good work-life balance - just not many and there would probably be lots of competition for those jobs.

Odd, I would consider a high powered job not having it all. The stress, the sacrifices and everything else that comes with that. Being financially secure enough to not have to work is having it all, to me. Having the freedom of time to pursue interests, meeting friends, volunteering etc. That to me would be better than working 40+ hours in a stressful job with little down time. Having an allowance of days for when you go can on holiday. No thanks.

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job. DP has tons of friends and earns big money but then he can be flexible with his hours which helps.

I find this so weird. Do you honestly think nobody with a well paid job has close friends/ family?

Exactly! I totally get not having time for hobbies, DIY, exercise but family & friends is high on the list for me.

@CarlottaValdez

It is not possible to have a well paid job and keep close ties with family and friends.

I find this so weird. Do you honestly think nobody with a well paid job has close friends/ family?

I also find this really weird. I have a high paying job and have close ties with my friends and family. Was I just supposed to...abandon them for work?

DH works for a megabank, but still found the time to take his teenage brother on a College visit after their useless dad decided he CBA. And he speaks to his other brothers at least once a week. They're all a bit spread out, so they don't see each other in person that much, but they're constantly in touch.

I also have time for hobbies and exercise, although not for DIY to be fair. And I never have much time to watch TV - it takes me forever to get through a season of anything .

Anyway, I have basically everything on this list except my job is boring thanks to the pandemic. But I still get paid well and get flexibility, so I suck it up. And I don't get on well with my parents, but that's because they're difficult and not very nice.

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job
Where do you find the time though? If you get up at 7am, do the school run, work all day, pick up the kids and cook dinner, bedtime then tidy up - it’s at least 9pm and all you can do is read or watch tv for an hour before it’s time for bed. Weekends you do chores and laundry, the obligatory visits to grandparents, and you still don’t have time for friends or hobbies.

@Donitta

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job Where do you find the time though? If you get up at 7am, do the school run, work all day, pick up the kids and cook dinner, bedtime then tidy up - it’s at least 9pm and all you can do is read or watch tv for an hour before it’s time for bed. Weekends you do chores and laundry, the obligatory visits to grandparents, and you still don’t have time for friends or hobbies.

Well, the well paid job should pay for a cleaner etc. Potentially even for a nanny.

It really does depend on none of the plates dropping, and I think the right supportive relationship would be key. The wrong partner would make it very hard indeed.

I think it's a myth that a high paid role means working every hour under the sun to the detriment of everything else. I wonder if a bit is just to help people feel more comfortable with their decisions, ie I don't earn much but have a good work/life balance, but you can have both. I earn a fair bit more more than a lot of my friends who work longer hours in more stressful (albeit a different type of stress) roles. If anything I have more flexibility, and once DS starts school I can go to term time only working and still have a decent income.

@Donitta

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job Where do you find the time though? If you get up at 7am, do the school run, work all day, pick up the kids and cook dinner, bedtime then tidy up - it’s at least 9pm and all you can do is read or watch tv for an hour before it’s time for bed. Weekends you do chores and laundry, the obligatory visits to grandparents, and you still don’t have time for friends or hobbies.

I don't get this though, plenty of people work long days and so have the same responsibilities, but for low pay. What's magically different for higher paid roles? I know everyone assumes they're attached to laptops and phones 24/7, but that's not the case.

This is interesting, I have 4/5 but we don’t have children and I’m not sure I could without losing my career. I don’t work in a field where flexibility is considered, most of my colleagues have wifes at home full time taking care of everything.
If I continued my career and outsourced everything the children would be brought up by a nanny

Agree @Roboticcarrot

I work 3 days a week so fit it all in. Have a fair whack of unearned income too.

OP needs to meet a few more people.

Also, plenty of the state school mums are juggling part time/full time work with professional/semi pro careers, have gorgeous kids, detached houses, finish work at 5pm and are off having hikes with the grandparents on the weekend.

I appreciate we are incredibly fortunate but it's definitely not impossible.

@Donitta

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job Where do you find the time though? If you get up at 7am, do the school run, work all day, pick up the kids and cook dinner, bedtime then tidy up - it’s at least 9pm and all you can do is read or watch tv for an hour before it’s time for bed. Weekends you do chores and laundry, the obligatory visits to grandparents, and you still don’t have time for friends or hobbies.

Ok so now we’re saying people who work full time don’t have time for friends? Does your husband have a job? Does he not have any mates? I just don’t recognise this as my life at all!

@Donitta

Here was my Monday:
6:30 am - Get up. DH is already up and working out.
6:50 am - Take dogs for a quick walk. While I'm out DH gets up DS (23 months) at 7am.
7:10 am make DS breakfast. While DS eats breakfast I make his packed lunch for nursery and feed the dogs
7:30 Clean up DS and brush his teeth, coat and shoes on etc.
7:45 DH take DS to daycare (15 minute walk). I do a quick email check and deal with anything non-urgent
8:00 am 30 minutes of Peloton. While I'm on the Peloton, DH gets home, showers, has breakfast and starts work.
8:30 am. Shower, breakfast etc.
8:45 am log on for work. Finish breakfast if I don't have a call.
Take dogs for another walk around noon. Throw some lunch together.
4:45. Log off to go and pick up DS.
5:15 Home with DS. Play with him, make sure he doesn't kill himself. DH takes dogs out again.
5:45 Start dinner. DH logs off work to look after DS.
6:00 DS Dinner. One or both of us will sit with him.
6:30 DS bedtime. DH takes him for a bath while I quickly catch up on some work. Then throw on some mascara and do my brows in the bathroom while they're finishing up bath time. Also change into a new outfit.
7:00 DH puts DS down for bed. I kiss him goodnight and head out to dinner with friends
7:15 Cocktails! Steak Frites! Catch up! Chocolate mousse!
9:30 Home from dinner with friends. Cursory email check. Catch up and cuddles with DH
10:30 Bed

Obv this is WFH due to Covid, but I always had somewhat flexible hours. Tonight I'm going to an art opening with friends - won't be out for very long, but it'll be nice to see them. DH and I switch off who logs off early depending on how busy we are that day.

@Donitta

I disagree with the not being able to have close friends if you have a well paid job Where do you find the time though? If you get up at 7am, do the school run, work all day, pick up the kids and cook dinner, bedtime then tidy up - it’s at least 9pm and all you can do is read or watch tv for an hour before it’s time for bed. Weekends you do chores and laundry, the obligatory visits to grandparents, and you still don’t have time for friends or hobbies.

I think the big thing you're missing is the other parent. It's a bit different at the moment because of WFH but pre pandemic we took that stuff in turns so twice a week, I could either socialise straight from work or come home to find DH had put DS to bed and cooked dinner.

I don't really want any hobbies and my friends all work so more free time during the day isn't massively attractive.

We do outsource a few things- e.g. cleaning but I can't say I have ever wished I had a less good job so I had time to do the cleaning!