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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say women can have it all?

205 replies

BlossomOnTrees · 05/05/2021 15:37

  1. A strong and loving marriage or relationship
  2. Gorgeous kids
  3. Financially stable with lots of extra left over
  4. Close family and friends
  5. Fantastic and high paying job.
OP posts:
Lottie2017 · 05/05/2021 16:32

You can have all those things at once, but also feel stretched to the limit so it's hard to enjoy it all? The well paid job would surely involve a lot of work and less time to put into your children, family and friends?

ChameleonKola · 05/05/2021 16:36

YANBU. I’d say I’ve got all of the above (one kid though).

Funny how nobody ever asks if men can have it all!

MaryMow22 · 05/05/2021 16:38

Of course!! Why settle for less??

PicsInRed · 05/05/2021 16:41

You can say whatever you want.

I say I'm a unicorn named Steve.

ChameleonKola · 05/05/2021 16:42

Mind you, it depends on your perception.

I grew up in poverty so an income of 40k is genuinely mega bucks to me. Our household income is probably small fry compared to a lot of others, but having earned 8-14k for much of my adult life it feels like loads.

Never thought I’d be someone who’d be able to buy a house, so having a mortgage on a nice semi in a good area feels like a mansion to me haha.

Never thought I’d be lucky enough to become a mum, so every single day I think about how incredibly lucky I am to have had a child.

Strokethefurrywall · 05/05/2021 16:43

Pffft, I have all the things on your list but I also considered that I “had it all” when I had half of those things. These are not aspirational points in every little girls dream journal, it’s just how my life ended up.

It’s not hard to work out that “having it all” means different things to different women - we’re not a hive mind and shit like this perpetuates the belief that “what women want” is all the same life achievements.

corlan · 05/05/2021 16:45

I almost ticked off the full list but my bloomin daughter has ruined it for me by having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.Sad

MattyGroves · 05/05/2021 16:47

I have all of those except 4 - I have family and friends but am not super close to them.

I am a bit envious of friends who have grandparents willing to look after the kids regularly - we pay for evening babysitting but that's not really appropriate for overnight so won't get a night away for a long time to come.

RosesAndHellebores · 05/05/2021 16:49

Yes but not necessarily all of the time and the successful high paying job either needs high quality childcare or a SAHD in the background. Alternatively there may be periods of coasting until dc are more independent.

Beetlewing · 05/05/2021 16:54

Happiness isn't on there

riotlady · 05/05/2021 16:55

@corlan

I almost ticked off the full list but my bloomin daughter has ruined it for me by having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.Sad
I genuinely snorted at this xD
Onedropbeat · 05/05/2021 16:57

@corlan

I almost ticked off the full list but my bloomin daughter has ruined it for me by having a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.Sad
Sending hugs Flowers
soberfabulous · 05/05/2021 16:58

@CarlottaValdez

I have all that I suppose (just one kid). I’m not sure it’s that unusual?
Me too. One child was key to having this balance fit me.
ithoughtisawapuddycat · 05/05/2021 16:59

I have 4 out of 5 (no kids through choice). My jobs isn't high paid in comparison to others but for where I live it is.

MildredPuppy · 05/05/2021 17:03

Realistically most people, men and women, arent particularly financially stable. A growing number of jobs are minimum wage and with crappy terms and conditions. They tend to be really essential jobs as well. So we cant all have it all whilst we rely on somone to do that work because they wont have it all. Even if individually that person could 'better" themself it still has to be done.

greeneyedlulu · 05/05/2021 17:11

@CarlottaValdez

Yes but with an entourage of staff (cleaner, nanny, gardener etc)

No you don’t need all this to have a high paying job and children if your husband pulls his weight.

It would to me as it would mean an easier life which is a big part of "having it all".

What's the point of the high paying job to give you a comfortable life if you can't enjoy it fully if you're stuck in cleaning, doing the gardening and the nanny would be for the wrap around care that you would surely need for school aged children if you're at work and your partner is at work? Having staff to do stuff for you around the house doesn't mean that DP isn't pulling his/her weight. However everyone's "having it all" differs

Onceuponatime1818 · 05/05/2021 17:12

I would say top of that list should be good physical and mental health, without those the others are irrelevant

grapewine · 05/05/2021 17:14

@VWcamperT5

Your list of "having it all" is very different to mine
Absolutely this.

You do you, though.

BigFatLiar · 05/05/2021 17:23

1. A strong and loving marriage or relationship
Not on Mumsnet Smile but in reality you can if you have the right partner
2. Gorgeous kids
They're all gorgeous surely. As for pretty/beautiful in the way the world looks at people - a matter of chance & genetics surely. If you've been following the baby surgeon program then if you're like me you'll probably just be grateful they're healthy.
3. Financially stable with lots of extra left over
Depends on your outgoings, we can't all be rich, who's going to be the nanny, cleaner etc to allow you to have you're great job.
4. Close family and friends
I do but many are not so fortunate.
5. Fantastic and high paying job.
But who'll be on the tills, behind the bar, cleaning etc. We don't all get to be the boss.

lifeturnsonadime · 05/05/2021 17:53

@CarlottaValdez

Women cannot have it all. Maybe a few do but generally no.

Which of the things on OP’s list do you think are wildly difficult to achieve?

Depends on your luck really. I might have had it all but my kids have disabilities which make it impossible.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/05/2021 18:12

If you're born a male, to 'have it all' is simply your expected lifestyle. It's never assumed that all the domestic and caring labour, including remembering everyone's birthdays and 'reminding' you to phone your mum, will fall at your feet, or that you'll give up your own career to facilitate that, or that even if you still work full-time after having children you'll still take on the bulk of it. Nowhere is it ever suggested that you're somehow being greedy or want things all your own way if you do carry these expectations.

The phrase 'have it all' epitomises male privilege. I despise it.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/05/2021 18:16

You forgot

  1. Being stunningly beautiful at all times.
SpaceRaiders · 05/05/2021 18:17

I have 3 out of 5, were comfortable, multiple holidays in normal times, normal family stresses, but I had ‘gorgeous’ kids with a dud of a husband now ex, which has made other areas in life far trickier than they’d otherwise have been.

I don’t believe women can truly have it all in a patriarchal society. Anyone who thinks otherwise is being completely disingenuous.

Might also be worth recognising there’s nothing intrinsically better or worse about the life choices people make, rather it coming down to luck or simply being at the right place at the right time. I remember which study I was reading which showed that outcomes are pre-determined at birth and actually very few deviate from that path. Hence why upward mobility is increasingly static.

CastleCrasher · 05/05/2021 18:17

Not really sure what your point is. Fwiw I have all of the things on your list. Yours wouldn't be my "having it all" list though. I'm happy with those things of course, but they're definitely not all my priority list

Cocomarine · 05/05/2021 18:22

I have all that.
All the mums in my social circle have that.
Some of us are on our second attempt at #1 though 🤣