Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

Don't make excuses, just tell them the truth.

I used to get overwhelmed at the thought of meet ups and scheduled social activities and made excuses to back out but then I decided to just tell my friends that I need down time and sometimes it's just too much. I've been much better since, I don't get invited places as much but I know I'm always welcome to opt in instead.

Tell them the truth then that you enjoy the runs but aren't in to socialising

Its fine that you like your own things, we are app different

They’re being kind. Just say “I don’t like going out and weekends are family time for us, I’d rather just meet for our runs. Have fun!”

Sure, they might think you’re boring, but if you only want to see them for the running, is that a big problem?

@ComtesseDeSpair

They’re being kind. Just say “I don’t like going out and weekends are family time for us, I’d rather just meet for our runs. Have fun!”

Sure, they might think you’re boring, but if you only want to see them for the running, is that a big problem?

Yup.

You're 48, as am I, and at our age you should be able to be straight with people without being concerned how they feel about it. You tell them you love to run with them but going out doesn't work for you. They can take it or leave it.

I think they get excited about doing things. I dont get that excited. Could it be cos they are younger than me. They are nice girls but they are not really close friends.. I wouldn't message them about anything other than running.

One of the girls has just told us that she is 20 weeks pregnant. First baby so I can imagine that's a big deal for her. My son is 10 so I am past all the baby stuff. I am pleased for her. They have now decided that they need to organise a big baby shower. They were talking about ideas like day trip to a local spa or picnic. They were talking about dates. I replied to this discussion. I can meet for an hour or so as I am always busy at weekends. I hope this covers it. I feel mean and antisocial. Thank you for replying xx

No need to be rude and bring a bad atmosphere.

Just say you cannot do weekends because you are busy.

It's absolutely fine and normal not to get involved with everybody else social life, but put yourself in their shoes: if you tell them they are good enough for a run but you can't be bothered to see them anywhere else, it's unpleasant.

They are being nice to involve you! If they weren't, there would be another thread about the "mean girls". Just be knowns as the one who can't do weekends (and evenings...).

I agree with just telling them the truth without giving many details. You're busy weekends and spend spare time with your family. I do think introverts are hard for extroverts to understand, they assume it must be anxiety or shyness when some people are just happy with much less social interaction than others.

It sounds like they see themselves as a group of friends but you don't see them as friends, just someone to run with.

There's usually someone in the office who doesn't do work socials or see anyone outside the office and you sound a bit like that. It's not a problem. I think at some stage they will realise you're not interested. They may or may not keep asking to be polite.

I'd just be honest and say - I'm a real introvert - I love running with you all but I really find other types of socialising are not for me - hope you all have a fab time doing xxxx.

Without being too unkind here-I think what you are saying here is you don't want to be friends with the people you run with, just running mates. This is absolutely fine and your choice and completely valid, but "friends" would suggest you actually actively want to see them
and do things with them.

And that is fine and your bag, just we long as you don't get upset if they stop inviting you to things and get closer to each other as a result of spending more time together.

This is one of the things I found strange when I moved back to the UK - the lack of willingness of some British women to socialise and do anything away from their husband and children. (not to mention the obsession with their ages, vat an age where its perfectly normal to do things that they claim to be too old to things at).

It's well known that socialising outside a marriage and making new friends is good for your mental and physical health and stands you in good stead throughout your life.

Now, I know that in a British based discussion group, I'm going to he absolutely slated for this, but I honestly found your post so depressing. The comments about the pregnant woman, her age, the use of babyish phrases ("cos", "and I don't want to", "I am not bothered"), etc) , seriously, its perfectly normal to make new friends, you are allowed to have friends who are different ages to you, and many of us can't be bothered socialising but occasionally make the effort out of consideration for other people.

Why on earth would getting invited to things make you grumpy? So yes, you probably will get a reputation for being abti-social, your comments about them are pretty awful to read actually and 8 think I'd stop wanti g to run with you at all as you really do come across as quite unpleasant (although by the sound of it, that would please you).

Do you know what atrophying is?

at our age we should be able to be straight with people without being concerned how they feel about it

WTH?!? At no age should you be cavalier about people’s feelings. Just be polite: “Oh, that sounds lovely, but we always go walking/swimming/play Scrabble/visit granny on Saturdays. Have a great time!”

Yeh you do sound pretty grumpy to be honest. There are good suggestions above of texts to send and maybe they'll be fine with just being your running pal, but you might find as they evolve into a closer friendship group that you need to find some other people to run with.

I agree with everyone else. If you just want them as running buddies and not socialising buddies, then just tell them straight.

However, I'd sound a slight note of caution - if your son is 10, he'll soon be at the stage that he will be making his own plans and not be wanting to spend so much time with the family. Will that leave a space in your life and you'll suddenly wish that you'd made more effort with friends?

@Stripyhoglets1

I'd just be honest and say - I'm a real introvert - I love running with you all but I really find other types of socialising are not for me - hope you all have a fab time doing xxxx.

This ^^ is a good response. DH is a massive introvert and I'm afraid he does come across as rather aloof and very unsociable. It makes other people think he doesn't like them.

This is one of the things I found strange when I moved back to the UK - the lack of willingness of some British women to socialise and do anything away from their husband and children

There are a lot of posters on MN like that as well @CirclesWithinCircles. They seem to have a cap on the number of people they want to associate with. I must admit I don't understand it either, but I didn't grow up where I live and have no family nearby, so friends are important to me.

can you tell them that you really appreciate the thought, but you genuinely cant make the extra socialising work, and you love the running group, but you wont be doing the extra meet ups

It’s one thing to be self-sufficient, and another to be nasty about hapless people who try to be friends, implying they’re sad losers.

Seen this so much on MN over the years: you can’t make friends at the school gate, at work, at toddler groups, at Pilates classes. Oh, no, your one chance to find friends was as fellow foetuses. If you missed that opportunity, well, then, tough cheese.

I'm also a runner, and I'd hazard a guess that having taken it up recently in the near super veteran category, you're what a lot of runners would call a "social runner" ie you run with a group partly for social reasons such as motivation, safety and company, not to train to win races or get qualified subsidised coaching. As an adult, you shouldn't need pointing out to you that using people in the way you are and not reciprocating in terms of giving them your friendship (it's not really a lot to, ask) is rather selfish.

Even competitive level runners are encouraged to be sociable, you travel to races together with all age groups on the club bus, you support each other, you encourage beginners. You also swap advice, give tips on recovering from injury prevention, shoes, etc..

In biological terms, it's referred to as social facilitation and it makes use of human nature to keep us encouraged when doing certain activities. Running clubs encourage it because it works.

So my guess is that you will stop running regularly pretty soon.

Don’t even offer an hour, that’s worse than just having clear boundaries in my opinion. The best would just be to clearly say “I love running with you guys but weekends and other evenings are family time. Thanks for asking but I’ll stick to running with you guys for now.”

I have colleagues who decline all work social events in the above way and it’s fine, it just helps everyone understand their priorities, people are less likely to take it personally than you refusing every invitation separately with different excuses.

@CirclesWithinCircles I disagree - I am a club runner and just because someone doesn’t want to do all the social stuff that goes with it, doesn’t mean they won’t carry on running. That’s ridiculous and makes your club sound very unwelcoming.

@IrmaFayLear

It’s one thing to be self-sufficient, and another to be nasty about hapless people who try to be friends, implying they’re sad losers.

Seen this so much on MN over the years: you can’t make friends at the school gate, at work, at toddler groups, at Pilates classes. Oh, no, your one chance to find friends was as fellow foetuses. If you missed that opportunity, well, then, tough cheese.

thats quite a stretch implying that from what the OP posted.

They probably assume you'd be interested in making friends. You're not, so tell them so.

But really? You literally don't want to do anything unless it's with your family?

its nice that the group are trying to build lasting friendship circles from it. It doesnt mean everyone who runs with them has to be part of it.