Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

@Sssloou

and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.

I don’t think that you are happy in your own skin at all - otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your choices.

You come across as a bit self righteous and cold - probably as an unconscious defensive strategy as you are actually unable to calmly assert yourself. You sound avoidant and have withdrawn from society less because you are a true introvert but more because you have poor communication skills. There is a difference.

If you are happy in your own skin - then just calmly and politely say that. Making excuses is confusing and disingenuous.

🤣🤣 Good lord!!

@CirclesWithinCircles and I am British. I'm also an extrovert though so happy to meet people and go out with friends

You really exemplify a lack of basic social skills

No, really, I don't. That point is so off the mark that I don't even know where to start.

Your first post showed limited understanding compassion or understanding towards the many people who simply do not enjoy socialising. For many of us, once we have a family we permanently peopled-out by everyday life.

Whatsmore - you made this point specifically about British women

Your long post about running - brilliant, you run, well done. You've done quite a bit of reading around running, again, well done. But you know what, so have loads of people - but most of them wouldn't make an un-asked for 'prediction' about someone giving up running. The running community is so awesome and supportive, I just can't imagine anyone I know saying that to someone.

I did write a whole post directed at you. That’s because I found your arguments problematic and offensive. If you're going to post on the Internet people are going to respond.

@Stripyhoglets1

I'd just be honest and say - I'm a real introvert - I love running with you all but I really find other types of socialising are not for me - hope you all have a fab time doing xxxx.

I agree. Best be honest so they don't do things like reschedule so you can make it and you find yourself boxed into a corner.

KatherineJaneway
You're right, though it would be even better without the irrelevant introversion comment.

I'd prefer "that's really kind, I'll pass though. I love running with you, but nights out aren't my cup of tea".

@EvilOnion

Don't make excuses, just tell them the truth.

I used to get overwhelmed at the thought of meet ups and scheduled social activities and made excuses to back out but then I decided to just tell my friends that I need down time and sometimes it's just too much. I've been much better since, I don't get invited places as much but I know I'm always welcome to opt in instead.

I get the "don't make excuses, just tell the truth" thing... but couldn't you chuck in a little white lie or two as well?

Perhaps tell them that you react really badly to alcohol now as you get older - one drink and you feel rough as hell the next day. Tell then you have a hobby that you really really love, you wished you could have dedicated you life to but the best you can manage is 2 or 3 evenings in the week and you've learnt you need to make sacrifices (such as not going out with friends you'd like to go out with) to really push the hobby like you want to.

@MissKeithsNeice

You really exemplify a lack of basic social skills

No, really, I don't. That point is so off the mark that I don't even know where to start.

Your first post showed limited understanding compassion or understanding towards the many people who simply do not enjoy socialising. For many of us, once we have a family we permanently peopled-out by everyday life.

Whatsmore - you made this point specifically about British women

Your long post about running - brilliant, you run, well done. You've done quite a bit of reading around running, again, well done. But you know what, so have loads of people - but most of them wouldn't make an un-asked for 'prediction' about someone giving up running. The running community is so awesome and supportive, I just can't imagine anyone I know saying that to someone.

I did write a whole post directed at you. That’s because I found your arguments problematic and offensive. If you're going to post on the Internet people are going to respond.

OK, thanks for explaining in such detail.

In the country I primarily grew up in, it's really encouraged to have quite a full diary after school/work and to join clubs and societies/go on away trips, etc. Introverts are catered for too, no one forces people, etc but it's considered almost part of being society to make a little bit of an effort.

My comment about social facitation is just standard human biology and its employed by most sports coaches in that training in groups usually encourages people to improve and not lose interest, etc.

I'm actually one of those runners who isn't that social at training and train a lot on my own, I do like other runners though and I prefer to socialise outwith training. Maybe not that often. I honestly hate being forced to talk and run at the same time, particularly since I'm asthmatic and like to focus on my breathing pattern! I do prefer socialising with people that I have something in common with, if I had to socialise purely with family members, I'd be bored to tears!

A lot of British people are wonderfully sociable but to be honest there do seem to be an awful lot of women who seem to be based here and who post on here who have no friends. And are completely perplexed at how to make any, and again its really quite standard advice to join clubs or societies or take up new hobbies to make friends.

It's almost an old fashioned thing that it's seen that being married with children is the ultimate achievement for women here by some, and that all their energy should be devoted to that and that alone. And yes I do know that you get that in some European countries too. Perhaps its just the area I'm in, but at times I just think..well, anyway..

None of this is really very controversial, but these types of discussion do seem to attract a few posters who have clearly never got over not being called onto the casting of Mean Girls!

But @CirclesWithinCircles the OP didn't ask how to make friends or to say that she's struggling with groups etc.

Your posts aren't relevant to the discussion she started.

@EvilOnion

But *@CirclesWithinCircles* the OP didn't ask how to make friends or to say that she's struggling with groups etc.

Your posts aren't relevant to the discussion she started.

Indeed. I recognise my failings in advising posters on how to put people off being friendly with them.

Wow, the extroverts and 'social butterflies' on here do NOT like it when people don't want to socialise with them, and prefer to stay in a very same circle of friends/family DO they?

Weirdly, I never see introverts/people who aren't keen on socialising/joining big groups etc, slating and berating people who DO enjoy all the socialising/typical extrovert stuff.

And LMFAO at @CirclesWithinCircles calling posters 'mean girls' on here for daring to challenge her posts. So YOU can spout rude and obnoxious views, like suggesting anyone who doesn't socialise a lot will rot and wither and DIE, (accusing them of 'atrophying,') and saying they lack BASIC social skills, and are so on, but no-one is allowed to say anything back to you?!'

Also, note to self - NEVER join a fucking runners group. Yours sounds horrendous circles. Seriously, like a bunch of controlling, manipulative bullies.

@circleswithincircles

I do have a friend who suffers from agoraphobia and possibly ASPD but certainly depression, withdrawal and associated problems, and that started out as a dislike of socialising and friends, and a refusal to make an effort. But thats an actual clinical disorder different from what the OP describes (I think) and its terribly sad to witness such a downward spiral.

Her being pushed and bullied into socialising when she doesn't want to, by pushy 'outgoing' people accusing her of being 'boring,' probably didn't help.

To be honest @circles, I agree with the posters saying you sound pushy and rude, and your posts are offensive. Problem is, no matter how many times you read your posts back, you will NOT see how wrong you are, and how rude your posts are. People like you never do.

The thing is, some people say 'just say you don't fancy socialising.' The problem is, some people like circles won't take no for an answer, and accuse people of not wanting to socialise, of being miserable boring fuckers, who will probably never have any friends, will never be happy, and will disappear into a downwards spiral of dark deep depression.

Oh and @paul2louise YANBU. No real suggestions though, other than tell them you love going running with them, but are happy to leave it at that. If they keep on at you. just leave the group, because they won't stop nagging you. Some 'extroverts' and 'social butterflies' will not take NO for an answer, and HATE introverts for some reason. Some of them can be real bullies.

They are not friends but running mates. Friends you do want to see and spend time with, folk you see with similar hobbies meh... not so much you are completely normal.

Wow, the extroverts and 'social butterflies' on here do NOT like it when people don't want to socialise with them, and prefer to stay in a very same circle of friends/family DO they? hmm

Yeah, we just can't cope when you don't want to go out with us, you're that amazing Love yourself much?

Have manners. Dont' call people friends when they aren't. Don't use them when you want and sneer at them for being nice to you. Just basically don't be a dick.

Be introverted, literally nobody cares. But stop using that as an excuse for rudeness.

littlepattilou I do have a friend who suffers from agoraphobia and possibly ASPD but certainly depression, withdrawal and associated problems, and that started out as a dislike of socialising and friends, and a refusal to make an effort. But thats an actual clinical disorder different from what the OP describes (I think) and its terribly sad to witness such a downward spiral.

Her being pushed and bullied into socialising when she doesn't want to, by pushy 'outgoing' people accusing her of being 'boring,' probably didn't help. wink

Ignoring the rest of your post, but you really do not have a clue about clinically diagnosed personality disorders, do you? Its really not a winking matter, its very sad, his disorder doesn't really respond to treatment, and nothing to do with what other people do or do not do. Its entirely different from being a self-proclaimed introvert. Your comment, and the wink attached to it, is disgusting.

I am really against making up 'little white lies' about hobbies, etc, and even, as someone suggested, inventing a part time job. Why lie, when you can just tell the truth? "Thanks, but I do stuff with my husband and son at the weekends, and I just don't go out in the week. I do enjoy our running, though!." Or something like that. Now that I can do my yoga class at home, I won't be going back to the hall. It's not so rigorous but it's cheap and I don't have to go out on rainy nights. I do have a small circle of friends I see, and I bet the OP does too.

I think you really should be straight with them. You can't expect people to understand you if you don't explain a little more. Help them out here! They sound like decent people.

"Thank you so much for all of the lovely invites! But being as long in the tooth as I am, I know that I'm just not the most sociable of people - I like a lot of peace and quiet, so I'm going to take a pass on ! I would love to see you all for running and maybe the odd other thing, please don't think me rude and I love the friendships that we have. I hope you all have a super time at next weekend - I'll look forward to the pictures!'.

Have some agency and tell people what you want!

With a message like this, they'll probably set up another chat group without you, and your existing one will shift mainly to running. That would be a win surely?!

Good grief, some of these responses are incredible. It's honestly no big deal. Just do what @annacondom says and tell a polite version of the truth and don't do anything you don't want to do.

Maybe it is an age thing. I do actually enjoy socialising but not in great numbers these days and if I'm invited to something I don't fancy I'll just politely decline. Far better than forcing yourself to go somewhere you don't want to and potentially putting a bit of a dampener on it for everyone else.

@annacondom

I am really against making up 'little white lies' about hobbies, etc, and even, as someone suggested, inventing a part time job. Why lie, when you can just tell the truth? "Thanks, but I do stuff with my husband and son at the weekends, and I just don't go out in the week. I do enjoy our running, though!." Or something like that. Now that I can do my yoga class at home, I won't be going back to the hall. It's not so rigorous but it's cheap and I don't have to go out on rainy nights. I do have a small circle of friends I see, and I bet the OP does too.

The problem is, when you get bullies and control freaks trying to run your life, by telling you you are BORING and dull and will wither and die, (like in the rude and obnoxious and frankly offensive and nasty posts by @CirclesWithinCircles, who STILL hasn't apologised for her many offensive posts;) people feel they HAVE to lie, and make stuff up.

If they don't lie/make excuses, these type of manipulative individuals who think they have a right to run your life for you, won't leave you alone. People like this are just awful, and it's hardly surprising when you read some of the stuff on here from a certain few posters, that some people DO try and avoid them like the plague!

The problem is, when you get bullies and control freaks trying to run your life, by telling you you are BORING and dull and will wither and die, (like in the rude and obnoxious and frankly offensive and nasty posts by @CirclesWithinCircles, who STILL hasn't apologised for her many offensive posts;) people feel they HAVE to lie, and make stuff up.

Oh just give it a rest littlepatilou.

@littlepattilou the OP is not in that situation. Her running mates aren't unreasonable. I never lie if I don't have to (which is incredibly rare) and I think it's best not to, generally. There is no need.

@toocoldforsno

Wow, the extroverts and 'social butterflies' on here do NOT like it when people don't want to socialise with them, and prefer to stay in a very same circle of friends/family DO they? hmm

Yeah, we just can't cope when you don't want to go out with us, you're that amazing Love yourself much?

Have manners. Dont' call people friends when they aren't. Don't use them when you want and sneer at them for being nice to you. Just basically don't be a dick.

Be introverted, literally nobody cares. But stop using that as an excuse for rudeness.

But in the OP's case she has joined a running group and says she doesn't consider them close friends. I would think people enjoying the running and being pleasant and friendly is enough and that extra socialising is an add on.

I hardly consider the OP to be using the group. Is there an implied obligation to fraternise beyond the group's purpose?

I don't think the OP sounds unpleasant, but I also don't think the running mates are unpleasant either. The problem is not setting clear boundaries and expectations for the OP's participation in the group. I am a relative extrovert I think, but would never think badly of someone who made it clear that they weren't interested in anything beyond the running. OP may feel pressured, but are they really pressuring her or being friendly and inclusive?

....in the OP's case she has joined a running group and says she doesn't consider them close friends. I would think people enjoying the running and being pleasant and friendly is enough and that extra socialising is an add on.

I hardly consider the OP to be using the group. Is there an implied obligation to fraternise beyond the group's purpose?

Good point Maggie.

But the posts by a small number of people here have proven, that anyone having individual thoughts and opinions, and not wanting to go socialising with 'the group' is simply unacceptable!!!

@moynomore

I don't think the OP sounds unpleasant, but I also don't think the running mates are unpleasant either. The problem is not setting clear boundaries and expectations for the OP's participation in the group. I am a relative extrovert I think, but would never think badly of someone who made it clear that they weren't interested in anything beyond the running. OP may feel pressured, but are they really pressuring her or being friendly and inclusive?

Possibly not yet. But they do keep asking, so she needs to make it very clear she does NOT want to socialise outside the group. If they don't like it, and keep on at her, she needs to leave. No-one needs people like that in their life.

[quote annacondom]@littlepattilou the OP is not in that situation. Her running mates aren't unreasonable. I never lie if I don't have to (which is incredibly rare) and I think it's best not to, generally. There is no need.[/quote]
Fair enough. But some people ARE massive control freaks who don't like it when someone says NO, and doesn't do what they want, because they don't like other people having opinions and views they don't agree with.

So sometimes lying/making excuses IS the only way to deal with manipulative and controlling self-proclaimed 'outgoing, social-butterflies' like this. Because they are so obnoxious that they can't possibly grasp that not EVERYONE is like them.

And as has been illustrated on this thread, by a small handful of people some of them do NOT like it when they don't get their own way, and someone disagrees with them/challenges them.