Friends want me to do things but I don't want to

[paul2louise]

I have been always quite happy with my hubby and son. I don't need a lot of excitement. I work part time and run a lot in spare time. I do some of runs on my own but have started running this last year with a small group of 6 ladies from our running club. The group is quite mixed background age, family circumstances, work commitments. I enjoy my runs with them. Now lockdown is lifting they want to do other social things other than our meet up for runs. I am not bothered. I like my weekend with my family. I don't want to go out at night much. I am 48 and just happy with quiet life especially after covid. I have got used to staying home a lot.
I am self motivated to keep fit and healthy so don't lack self discipline and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.
Thank you

'There are a lot of posters on MN like that as well @CirclesWithinCircles. They seem to have a cap on the number of people they want to associate with. I must admit I don't understand it either, but I didn't grow up where I live and have no family nearby, so friends are important to me.'

'Introvert' is the word you need to Google to understand this. There's lots of information out there about how people's social needs differ. No need to be in the dark about it!

@CirclesWithinCircles

This is one of the things I found strange when I moved back to the UK - the lack of willingness of some British women to socialise and do anything away from their husband and children. (not to mention the obsession with their ages, vat an age where its perfectly normal to do things that they claim to be too old to things at).

It's well known that socialising outside a marriage and making new friends is good for your mental and physical health and stands you in good stead throughout your life.

Now, I know that in a British based discussion group, I'm going to he absolutely slated for this, but I honestly found your post so depressing. The comments about the pregnant woman, her age, the use of babyish phrases ("cos", "and I don't want to", "I am not bothered"), etc) , seriously, its perfectly normal to make new friends, you are allowed to have friends who are different ages to you, and many of us can't be bothered socialising but occasionally make the effort out of consideration for other people.

Why on earth would getting invited to things make you grumpy? So yes, you probably will get a reputation for being abti-social, your comments about them are pretty awful to read actually and 8 think I'd stop wanti g to run with you at all as you really do come across as quite unpleasant (although by the sound of it, that would please you).

Do you know what atrophying is?

I actually agree with you. I've pushed myself to attend meet ups and found they are not my cup of tea but at others I have made very good friends.

I would tell them straight you love running with them and really enjoy it but you just don’t have time outside of that to do anything socially with them.
They will probably keep asking if they are nice people as not to exclude you so better to be upfront with them and save you all the trouble.
It’s awful having to think of constant excuses so better to just let everyone know where they stand

Make up a 2nd job.

@NuffSaidSam

'There are a lot of posters on MN like that as well *@CirclesWithinCircles*. They seem to have a cap on the number of people they want to associate with. I must admit I don't understand it either, but I didn't grow up where I live and have no family nearby, so friends are important to me.'

'Introvert' is the word you need to Google to understand this. There's lots of information out there about how people's social needs differ. No need to be in the dark about it!

Not necessarily! I would be considered an "introverted" person but always try to make new good friends wherever I live/work. I don't like socialising in large groups (apart from parties where you can talk to one or two people at a time) or doing really active/loud things, and spend most of my time happily alone, but I still value having lots of close friends and am always glad to make new ones!

I think people have taken on the labels of introvert/extrovert (well, mostly introvert - which also seems to have been assigned some moral superiority over extrovert) as some concrete, real thing that people can be defined by, when in reality almost everyone is a mix between the two, because people can't just be categorised into two opposite behavioural groups like that.

I'm 10 years younger than you and have recently found my strongest friendships have been colleagues and running buddies. I never thought this would happen! I believe we should be open to friendships at every stage of life and it's very insular to only want to spend time with family. At some point it will only be your husband left, you might fibd you're quite lonely.
If you really don't want to socialise with them as PP have said - just tell them.

@CirclesWithinCircles if it makes you feel any better, i don't particularly like socialising with my husband and/or children a lot of the time either 😁

Even as a child I was content with a small group of friends and would take myself off to play sometimes. I've always been happiest in my own company and definitely need my own space sometimes - my biggest issue with lockdown has been that I'm constantly around people at home and work!

It's interesting the way peoples needs vary.

If I have learned anything from lockdown it is that I'm going to be stricter in sharing my time going forward and an not going to overbook my social life. I have been so much more relaxed having fewer things in the diary.

I totally enjoy spending time at home with the family and have realised that I don't need a huge social life either.

I might pop out on the odd evening social event, but I think it's perfectly fine to turn down invitations simply because you don't feel like it!

Just say that you don't enjoy going out in the evenings because you are usually too knackered and you like to make sure you get time to unwind.

You get one life, own your time and do what you want with it, not what other people want you to do.

Love the way all the introverts on this thread are going, "yep, that's me"! :-)

I'm the same. I have friends, but am very introverted and can't deal with too many people at once, I find it completely overwhelming. I have a couple of friends who I walk with, who started to wonder why I'd bail on a walk after they'd invited nine or ten other people on the walk that we'd arranged for just us three. I had to literally spell it out that I just can't cope with having to socially interact with all those people - people who I knew!

Now, they get it. So I go on walks with them, and they organise larger walks with others, that I'm invited to if I want to go. I never do, but it's nice that they understand. They are both real extroverts and gain a huge amount of energy by being with other people, but that's the complete opposite of me. I could do a run with six people for an hour, but that would be my limit - spending a long leisurely 3 or 4 hours on a meal with them, or a baby shower, would be something that I just couldn't do. I'd do a hour at the start, drop off a present, and then disappear.

[quote notalwaysalondoner]@CirclesWithinCircles I disagree - I am a club runner and just because someone doesn’t want to do all the social stuff that goes with it, doesn’t mean they won’t carry on running. That’s ridiculous and makes your club sound very unwelcoming.[/quote]
I'm not even talking about one club or my club, just the basic science of being a human being.

I don't know whether the OP is or isn't an introvert. What she does describe is poorly trained and developed social skills which make her come across as a bit selfish and only interested in what she can get from other people.

Bigger running clubs will mean you get away more with being anti social, but when you are running with a small group of 6 other runners, not making the occasional effort might not come across well. But surely every adult human is aware of this...?

I agree with a few posters that the amount of posts you get on here about being unable to make friends, how do you make friends, etc are pretty sad.

But be a giver, not a taker, when you do meet friendly people. The other women in this group sound absolutely lovely, but I think I'd be tempted not to let the grumpy, busy member who can't be bothered to feign interest in another member's pregnancy not know when the next training session is. This is just basic manners!

Just pick one of them , and tell her what you posted here. Then she can just tell the rest, next time they are wondering how to persuade you to join in, or why Louise didn't come.

Just be honest and say it’s not really your sort of thing, you’re busy with family commitments and so forth. I’m sure they won’t mind.

@HoboSexualOnslow

I'm 10 years younger than you and have recently found my strongest friendships have been colleagues and running buddies. I never thought this would happen! I believe we should be open to friendships at every stage of life and it's very insular to only want to spend time with family. At some point it will only be your husband left, you might fibd you're quite lonely. If you really don't want to socialise with them as PP have said - just tell them.

I completely agree with this! The best way would be to have a balance of family time and time with friends. I couldn't live without either, and I think you make yourself quite vulnerable by not having friends.

and am happy in my own skin. I want to carry on running with them as they are nice girls but I get fed up with the pressure to do things and keep trying to find excuses. I don't want to feel like I am being boring or antisocial. I think people think I just need persuading. I don't want to agree to something just to get them off my back. It's making me grumpy and I feel like I might be better just not running with anyone else and just do things on my own.

I don’t think that you are happy in your own skin at all - otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your choices.

You come across as a bit self righteous and cold - probably as an unconscious defensive strategy as you are actually unable to calmly assert yourself. You sound avoidant and have withdrawn from society less because you are a true introvert but more because you have poor communication skills. There is a difference.

If you are happy in your own skin - then just calmly and politely say that. Making excuses is confusing and disingenuous.

Wriggling out of things is hard but over the years I've learnt that a simple ' no' works wonders. Don't lie or invent things or look embarrassed, just say thanks , but no thanks.
They will give up asking you eventually.
At least they can't say your not being honest here.
The pandemic meant that people couldn't meet up and I didn't miss it at all to be honest.
I like my friends but I prefer one to one meet ups. Big crowds of people don't do it for me.

It sounds like you could really do with having some friends. If anything ever goes wrong with your marriage and when your children get older you’ll basically just be alone in the world. Nobody you can rely on, nobody to see. It sounds pretty miserable to me and not a great life plan. Your kid will soon be old enough to not want to hang out with you.

I thought the whole point of joining a club/hobby was to make friends? You always see posters asking how to make friends and everyone says to join a club. I don’t run so I may not understand, but why does this need to be in a group? If you didn’t want to make friends then you’d just run by yourself surely? Is it because you have other friends you socialise with and don’t want to let anyone else in your circle.

Your husband and child are not going to be there forever. Child will grow up and something may happen to them leaving you on your own. It sounds extreme but it does happen. You might want people to support you. I mean if you’ve got other friends then fine. But you just limit yourself to family time on weekend only doesn’t sound healthy.

I think you need to take the pressure of yourself and be totally honest with them, if they are as nice as you say, they will understand

@CirclesWithinCircles

This is one of the things I found strange when I moved back to the UK - the lack of willingness of some British women to socialise and do anything away from their husband and children. (not to mention the obsession with their ages, vat an age where its perfectly normal to do things that they claim to be too old to things at).

It's well known that socialising outside a marriage and making new friends is good for your mental and physical health and stands you in good stead throughout your life.

Now, I know that in a British based discussion group, I'm going to he absolutely slated for this, but I honestly found your post so depressing. The comments about the pregnant woman, her age, the use of babyish phrases ("cos", "and I don't want to", "I am not bothered"), etc) , seriously, its perfectly normal to make new friends, you are allowed to have friends who are different ages to you, and many of us can't be bothered socialising but occasionally make the effort out of consideration for other people.

Why on earth would getting invited to things make you grumpy? So yes, you probably will get a reputation for being abti-social, your comments about them are pretty awful to read actually and 8 think I'd stop wanti g to run with you at all as you really do come across as quite unpleasant (although by the sound of it, that would please you).

Do you know what atrophying is?

Excellent post @CirclesWithinCircles.

I don't think age is relevant, you obviously ust don't want to be friends with them. If you are only interested in the running itself you would probably be better just going alone or join a bigger group where you can more anonymous.

Love the way all the introverts on this thread are going, "yep, that's me"! :-)
I'm an introverted, but even I find the not socialising beyond husband and children approach that comes up on here to be odd. Limiting most social interactions to your immediate nuclear family isn't an introversion trait, it's a social choice.

Introversion is about where we get our energy from and having time alone to recharge. It's kinda frustrating when introversion is used instead of 'I just don't want to' or is combined with making excuses to other people's polite offers.

People who are very sociable often like to think there’s something wrong with people who aren’t, and feel the need to jolly or chivvy them out of it because ‘it’ll be good for you’. Not forgetting, ‘But you’ll enjoy it!’ when you know that’s unlikely.
They just can’t understand anyone who’s different.

OP, just tell them the truth. If they think you’re boring - as very sociable people often feel about those who aren’t - so be it. As long as you’re still pleasant on the runs, it really doesn’t matter.

I am a runner and had a friend a bit like you (she's moved now). We would go for 3-4 hour runs, chat about everything, have a good time/ actively try to coordinate our long runs, but she would always shut me down if I asked her if she wanted to do anything else (drinks, dinner etc.). Eventually she just told me she's not much into socialising/ barely drinks etc. I was fine with it. We carried on running together for years. Everyone's different. I'd just be open with them.

You can easily excuse yourself, because the group is big enough that one absent won't make much difference.

I do think it's a mistake not to have social networks outside your family, because children grow up and life changes. As a PP said, you leave yourself vulnerable not building friendships.